Years of struggling and now he says it's over
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 1
Years of struggling and now he says it's over
After a few very stressful weeks, I started looking into him and not blaming myself so much and this is how I find myself on this site.
My husband and I are highschool sweethearts and at the age of 36 I have been with him for almost 22 years. We married in our early 20's and had three beautiful boys. When our eldest was 5wks old I felt I had made a mistake, even though he wanted this baby he didn't know how to cope with the demands and also having no money, he turnt to smoking pot and drinking heavily. The drinking was only a problem when he ran out of pot then he became angry, he first said it was over at this point then changed his mind.
When he was 18mths old he left for a couple weeks on a drinking/smoking tirade then did this again when our 2nd was 18mths and I was pregnant with our 3rd.
Up until this point he had MANY jobs and often had periods of no employment stating he needed change to make him happy. A couple years after this last time he had a big career change which meant he could no longer smoke drugs. This is when the big problems started with alcohol, he became very verbally aggressive towards me and this could sometimes last hours to all night sometimes. He had an accident at a work function and suffered burns but he somehow blamed me for not being supportive and abused me a lot during this time. This behaviour continued for many years until 2 years ago he stated he only drank because he hated his job and just had to leave it and go to university to make him happy. I again agreed even though the financial strain was huge and he failed to get the part time job he promised to have to help us.
This was a huge mistake as it only fueled his alcohol dependency as I would often find him drunk by the time I got home from work with the kids and this could be 3:30pm and he also discovered watching porn on the internet. He would continue to drink and not eat and just abuse me calling me horrible names. In the morning he would sometimes apologise (while I'm at work exhausted cos I haven't slept) saying he won't drink anymore. This may last a couple days at the most at each time he would say I'm only having one. It wouldn't take long until the same pattern returned. He told me he had to stop and he was depressed and I begged him to go get help but he insisted we could do it together! Even though I said I didn't know how.
12 months ago his father died and six wks later he left me again but not leaving the home then all of a sudden he wanted us to be together again but the drinking started straight up again.
Approximately 6 months ago I decided that could no longer do these stupid arguments as we never argued when he wasn't drunk so I started putting he boys to bed and I would go to bed too to avoid the argument. I thought his was working cos we didn't argue anymore and I would get a bit of sleep. But then all of a sudden he stopped touching me romantically and avoided my touch. This went on for a couple months until early December when he finally told me our marriage was over in a drunken night again.
The next morning he said he was leaving and going to his mothers for a few days he lasted a couple hours before making an excuse to watch something with the kids. I had it out with him then, begging him to leave if that is what he wants but he refuses to go and says that I am being selfish not thinking of the kids.
That was 5 wks ago and I have had a few arguments with him since then begging him to leave and let me start over with the boys but he says I should go cos this is his home and he will look after the boys. I absolutely refuse to leave them in his care with is drinking. He also started internet dating sites and doesn't care that I know he is doing it.
He says that I should just get over it and it's not the end of the world so I should stop moping about. I am utterly depressed, heart broken and betrayed. He wants me to pretend like nothing is going on and that he hasn't broken my heart.
I am angry that I have taken all the good with the bad but somehow this is all my fault. He talks to me like normal unless he starts drinking and then he changes like the alcohol makes him hate me.
So far all he can tell me is that we have been together too long, I look at my beautiful children and feel I have failed them and don't know where or what I should do. I wish I could turn off all the memories and the love that I shouldn't have for him.
My husband and I are highschool sweethearts and at the age of 36 I have been with him for almost 22 years. We married in our early 20's and had three beautiful boys. When our eldest was 5wks old I felt I had made a mistake, even though he wanted this baby he didn't know how to cope with the demands and also having no money, he turnt to smoking pot and drinking heavily. The drinking was only a problem when he ran out of pot then he became angry, he first said it was over at this point then changed his mind.
When he was 18mths old he left for a couple weeks on a drinking/smoking tirade then did this again when our 2nd was 18mths and I was pregnant with our 3rd.
Up until this point he had MANY jobs and often had periods of no employment stating he needed change to make him happy. A couple years after this last time he had a big career change which meant he could no longer smoke drugs. This is when the big problems started with alcohol, he became very verbally aggressive towards me and this could sometimes last hours to all night sometimes. He had an accident at a work function and suffered burns but he somehow blamed me for not being supportive and abused me a lot during this time. This behaviour continued for many years until 2 years ago he stated he only drank because he hated his job and just had to leave it and go to university to make him happy. I again agreed even though the financial strain was huge and he failed to get the part time job he promised to have to help us.
This was a huge mistake as it only fueled his alcohol dependency as I would often find him drunk by the time I got home from work with the kids and this could be 3:30pm and he also discovered watching porn on the internet. He would continue to drink and not eat and just abuse me calling me horrible names. In the morning he would sometimes apologise (while I'm at work exhausted cos I haven't slept) saying he won't drink anymore. This may last a couple days at the most at each time he would say I'm only having one. It wouldn't take long until the same pattern returned. He told me he had to stop and he was depressed and I begged him to go get help but he insisted we could do it together! Even though I said I didn't know how.
12 months ago his father died and six wks later he left me again but not leaving the home then all of a sudden he wanted us to be together again but the drinking started straight up again.
Approximately 6 months ago I decided that could no longer do these stupid arguments as we never argued when he wasn't drunk so I started putting he boys to bed and I would go to bed too to avoid the argument. I thought his was working cos we didn't argue anymore and I would get a bit of sleep. But then all of a sudden he stopped touching me romantically and avoided my touch. This went on for a couple months until early December when he finally told me our marriage was over in a drunken night again.
The next morning he said he was leaving and going to his mothers for a few days he lasted a couple hours before making an excuse to watch something with the kids. I had it out with him then, begging him to leave if that is what he wants but he refuses to go and says that I am being selfish not thinking of the kids.
That was 5 wks ago and I have had a few arguments with him since then begging him to leave and let me start over with the boys but he says I should go cos this is his home and he will look after the boys. I absolutely refuse to leave them in his care with is drinking. He also started internet dating sites and doesn't care that I know he is doing it.
He says that I should just get over it and it's not the end of the world so I should stop moping about. I am utterly depressed, heart broken and betrayed. He wants me to pretend like nothing is going on and that he hasn't broken my heart.
I am angry that I have taken all the good with the bad but somehow this is all my fault. He talks to me like normal unless he starts drinking and then he changes like the alcohol makes him hate me.
So far all he can tell me is that we have been together too long, I look at my beautiful children and feel I have failed them and don't know where or what I should do. I wish I could turn off all the memories and the love that I shouldn't have for him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi. All I can say is I'm sorry. I hope you know that you or anyone can get him sober or drunk. Period, forget the finger pointing and feel proud to have working neurons that you can utilize.
I strongly suggest you looking into Al Anon meetings for you benefit and sanity, you may take awhile to appreciate what's being suggested but they are black belt pros there to help you. Friends and families on this can be of benefit also.
BE WELL
I strongly suggest you looking into Al Anon meetings for you benefit and sanity, you may take awhile to appreciate what's being suggested but they are black belt pros there to help you. Friends and families on this can be of benefit also.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
It's hard to see it when you are in it. I stayed in a bad marriage years too long. Subjected my children to insanity (doing the same things over and over again). I still mourn the loss of my marriage (been divorced almost a year). I miss the home we had, but the bad far outweighed the good. It might take you leaving and moving on for him to realize he has a problem. Your love life (and his) is not important at the moment, what's important is creating a stable healthy environment for the kids. His online dating is just silly and absurd.
IOAA2 has excellent advice. A new beginning always starts at the end.
IOAA2 has excellent advice. A new beginning always starts at the end.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
big hugs. Talk to a lawyer this week. Kids come first. He is an unfit parent at this time. Get a court order, you get the house and kids until it's all worked out legally, and likely in divorce court.
I was married to my sweetheart for 25 yrs. I was 17 when we met and 19 when we married. Three kids. He kicked me out and kept the house as my daughter and her infant son lived with him.
Hurts like hell, but he did what he had to do. Kids come first.
I was married to my sweetheart for 25 yrs. I was 17 when we met and 19 when we married. Three kids. He kicked me out and kept the house as my daughter and her infant son lived with him.
Hurts like hell, but he did what he had to do. Kids come first.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to SR. 
Have you considered getting support from AlAnon? Living with an active alcoholic is very draining on the family. I too would suggest seeing a lawyer for some advice. If he's drinking like that then he's not fit to have the kids with him.
We have a special forum for people in your situation. Give it a look.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
Have you considered getting support from AlAnon? Living with an active alcoholic is very draining on the family. I too would suggest seeing a lawyer for some advice. If he's drinking like that then he's not fit to have the kids with him.We have a special forum for people in your situation. Give it a look.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Some good stuff on this thread.
Time to turn the tables. As others have recommended, get a lawyer and document everything he does starting now. Instead of worrying over him leaving you, set the conditions for him to remain both in your marriage and in your home, if that's what you want. His past and present will work against him in terms of getting custody. And get some help for yourself.
All this stuff in some of the threads here about people spending time with porn and on dating sites is about that person having checked out emotionally in a very complete and disturbing way.
Abusive partners always promise that they'll change, that things will get better, with no intention of doing anything about it besides offering more promises. That is, when they're not blaming us for all their problems.
Your being proactive in the disposition of your relationship with him will bring you to a much better place. The alternative is to stay on your current path, which only promises more pain and suffering.
Time to turn the tables. As others have recommended, get a lawyer and document everything he does starting now. Instead of worrying over him leaving you, set the conditions for him to remain both in your marriage and in your home, if that's what you want. His past and present will work against him in terms of getting custody. And get some help for yourself.
All this stuff in some of the threads here about people spending time with porn and on dating sites is about that person having checked out emotionally in a very complete and disturbing way.
Abusive partners always promise that they'll change, that things will get better, with no intention of doing anything about it besides offering more promises. That is, when they're not blaming us for all their problems.
Your being proactive in the disposition of your relationship with him will bring you to a much better place. The alternative is to stay on your current path, which only promises more pain and suffering.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
The same situation just happened to me and my beautiful children. Have been married to my AH for 18 years and after 4 rehabs and several relapses, asked him to leave the home during a drunken episode. Of course, he refused. Therefore, I arranged a court order for temporary residence of the home as well as a court order protection. The women's shelter walked me through this process and the judge was totally, without question, in my favor. The kids do not deserve the insanity. Initially, I was worried about the kids missing their dad and not understanding what was going on (ages 12 and 13), however, the opposite occurred. They are more relaxed and at peace which makes me even more aware of how stupid it was to keep them in this situation. Best of luck and hugs!
Alcohol Free Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 482
If you are truthful with yourself and on behalf of your boys, do you believe that the situation will improve, stay the same (going around and around) or get worse?
Only you know the true answer to this, because you are living with this everyday.
If the situation stay as it has or gets worse, it may start to affect your boys mental health in a permanent way.
People get divorced all the time, its no longer the big deal it used to be. In some cases, when people abuse alcohol and drugs, they don't think clearly and can become depressed, your partners inability to leave or stay, would indicate he is conflicted certainly, but again only the both of you know to what extent.
I refrain from telling people what they must do, that said when children are involved, I would only say they have to be your future going forward. You cannot change the past or today, but you can certainly change tomorrow if that is what you want to do.
Please come back to SR and we offer you support and kindness. Every single member has a family and there are groups on here where people far smarter than me, can give you better advice and help you.
Welcome to SR
Only you know the true answer to this, because you are living with this everyday.
If the situation stay as it has or gets worse, it may start to affect your boys mental health in a permanent way.
People get divorced all the time, its no longer the big deal it used to be. In some cases, when people abuse alcohol and drugs, they don't think clearly and can become depressed, your partners inability to leave or stay, would indicate he is conflicted certainly, but again only the both of you know to what extent.
I refrain from telling people what they must do, that said when children are involved, I would only say they have to be your future going forward. You cannot change the past or today, but you can certainly change tomorrow if that is what you want to do.
Please come back to SR and we offer you support and kindness. Every single member has a family and there are groups on here where people far smarter than me, can give you better advice and help you.
Welcome to SR
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
