EverySngleNight

Not morbid. When my step-father died (found in a ditch on the side of the road) of organ failure from the prolonged use of drugs and alcohol- I was relieved. I was able to start letting the pain he caused me- to die too. It's closure. My absentee bio-father is dying (also alcohol related). I was called to his bedside earlier this year. I went, but I didn't want to.

I went because despite the fact that my family doesn't value or cherish the concept of "family"- I do. So, for me- I did what was "right". (kinda' like attending 2nd weddings of sisters who relegate you off to the "acquaintance section") ;-)

It was easier when he was not part of my life. Now, he's still living and I feel so much pressure to call and see how he is. But I don't... because, why should I? I don't know him and I don't know what to say. I mean, what do you say to someone on their deathbed? "Why didn't you save me dad?" "Why did you wait until now to reach out?" Even in death he's selfish! LOL That makes me feel awful!! So, I just wish it were over already. You can't get more closure than that, especially not from someone who will never change.

It WAS easier before he showed back up. You can't be let down/hurt by something that doesn't exist. That's just the sad truth.

Mizzuno

For the next few days.....
Today, I planned on washing the dishes, hanging my curtain rod, and possibly cleaning the bathtub. I have found myself to be in bed watching Doctor Who and realizing that I am tired.

Tomorrow- My step-son is coming home for the week. My husband has left me on my own for today and tomorrow. So, I can do whatever. Possibly accomplish the list that I have for today tomorrow. I would prefer to not think too much.

Yes, family and the weird obligatory stuff. I am so happy to be an adult and away from all that childhood stuff. As the days move into years and then it will be decades. I heal. I am grateful for all that I have. For you all. I am especially grateful for the love that I receive from my husband and his family. Honestly, I need it. We all need love.

Thanks for understanding the closure with the death thing DD and ESN. It seems like it makes sense. ESN, I do not know what one would say on someones death bed.....especially when the relationship is lacking. I do understand where you are coming from. I too wish it was already over for my own situation. We will have closure with all of this. In time. Thanks for the real talk here.

EverySngleNight

It's just such an ongoing process really!! I mean, if you're growing and changing as a person- You're going to inevitably find yourself re-processing things in the light of a new awareness/greater maturity. Especially once you reach the age range that your parents were when you were being hurt- it adds a whole new understanding of just HOW effed up things really were. Looking at it as a self-possessed adult offers a completely different perspective of the past. So you end up having to re-process along with your stages of growth. If that makes sense??? Hope I'm not writing too much! I'm your age, and I just really relate to this right now. I haven't met too many people that can totally understand this stuff and I really appreciate you sharing it... TY

bemyself

Gee, Mizz. This is all extremely difficult stuff you're facing, and my heart goes out to you big time. I've read through the entire thread, so forgive me if I forget some of the exact details. And I certainly don't wish to add to what's clearly a lot of your inner turmoil about this wedding.

But, if I may: of course, all of us including myself honour whatever way you decide to approach the event. However, from my own experience, I know that the Big Life Events (births-deaths-marriages) can be fraught breeding grounds for so many of the familial and personal tensions - just like those you've described - to erupt.

Even if they don't erupt in obvious ways, for someone like yourself - 10 months sober - the sheer tension will be rather dangerous for you. Even having your hubby there and your minimalist appearance on the day may not be enough to keep you sane and on an emotionally even keel.

I realise the wedding is a mere couple of days away. But, just a thought to throw into the mix: could you consider something like......I don't know....calling your sister direct, thanking her for inviting you etc, wishing her all the very best for the day. And then being really assertive by saying that you MUST protect your hard won sobriety. And to do that, it's better that you don't attend. lnstead, that you would dearly love to meet up with her very soon after the wedding / honeymoon if there is one, just you and her, so she can tell you all about how it went, show you the lovely pikkies taken, etc etc.

like I say, just a sort of Plan B, C, whatever you care to call it.

Many hugs from me
xx
Vic

Renarde

This is amazing advice! Whatever you do, do NOT go to the reception! Take someone with you - do not go alone. Take off when it's over, and then send a note. Take a picture during the ceremony and get it developed and stick it in the note.

Immediately afterward do something good for yourself! A massage, get your nails done, go see a musical, hire someone to clean your house while you're at the service, take a hike, go to the animal shelter and play with puppies - something incredibly positive.

Marcher13

Mizz I'd suggest a big deep breath and decide what you want to do. Look at what Anna said, it makes sense. Can you go, keep your mother at a distance and not come back emotionally distraught? If you can't then maybe it's better not to go. The most important thing is your sobriety and your well being.

Mizzuno

I hear everyone and what they are saying. I hear that this event is triggering me. I do believe that being able to process this is only helping me to be stronger. I am not sure if I will attend. Part of me believes this is the last time that I will see this woman who is my bio-mother. I never had any intentions of making anything "functional" between us, and I do not intend to ever. I have made sure that she is blocked from being able to access me in any way. My in laws have done a great job of guarding my privacy. She has contacted them and they have not responded.

I was not aware that big life events pertained to being a guest at a wedding. Now, this makes perfect sense considering this is a family event of sorts. I do guard my sobriety like it is a precious precious gift that needs special care and attention. I have this dress that is fabulous. I spent a great deal on it. If anything, it has to be worn. I even selected special make-up for this day. When I wake up in two days, I will know what to do. If my gut is in knots, then I will be the first one to speak up and say "No, we are not going." If I think that I can maintain my health mentally, and deal emotionally, then I will go.

It is reassuring to know that this is the last time I will see her. If I have to work it out with her in the afterlife, I will. Not on Earth.

Its interesting when I look back at my child self, I was a mommy's girl. Stuck at her side, with my mother everywhere. This abandonment runs through every last cell of my being. I never intended to draw these lines in the sand, but I thought she would come back.

I am the age that my mother was when all of this mess started. 33. I have been processing a lot of it this year. Every year since it began really. $hit loads of money with a head doctor, many many journals. (she stole my poems and sent them to her convict husband in prison. said they were hers) Medications to help through depressions. Up and down and all around for years. Now, I have leveled. Thank god for the 30's. I am not such a mess any longer. (Some would think my stability is questionable. I have worked my *ss off to get to this place. I have worked really really hard)

This story is one that many children have when their parents have gone to the depths of their addiction. So, I think it is good to be on this site even if it is heavy. Its real.

Hawkeye13

You are not morbid at all.
Both of my parents are dead, and frankly, it was a burden I was happy to put down.
Father less than mother as he was out of the house before I was born, but an active alcoholic traumatizing my stepsister and his second wife a scant 60 miles away.

Mother was another thing entirely. She pretty much dragged me for years and I stupidly held on.
I started to detach emotionally the last few years of her life but was still her enabler / caregiver pretty much to the end
in part due to a promise extracted by my grandmother some 20 years before.

Her death was upsetting but also a cathartic relief I cannot even begin to enumerate on this page.
She was the black hole in my life sucking my life energy away and I was too stupid and too codependent to know I needed light years between us.
Good for you for figuring that out early.

It is what it is. The pain inflicted by the one we loved first and hardest (me too on that one) doesn't easily go away.

It's more like making your own pearl over the sharp piece of glass in your heart.

You coat it and coat it and one day it is smooth enough to remove without destroying you,
and even has a kind of translucent beauty from all the lessons and experiences it took you to get to that place.

Sometimes you put it back in your heart in that empty space it left to test it, and you know the sharpness is still there like the hole.
And you wish you could be whole but you know you can never be in the way that others are who worry about keeping their mothers on the planet, and grieve their loss.

I'm not mad at her anymore now that she isn't around. I wish her peace and I try to build that peace for myself. Sounds like you are doing the same.

JaylaaKent

Ummm no one was saying she didn't have a grasp or wasn't doing anything wrong/right. My comment was to hopefully help Mizzuno realize that people have no more power than what we give them. A lot of times we spend more time pondering/wringing our hands/avoiding them than they do to us in a year's time. Especially with narcissistic personality disorder, which is what I think is at play here with Mizzuno's mom (just a personal opinion). When people have NO power over us - we don't over-analyze, relive the past, rationalize, or justify our actions towards that person. Now if I can only practice what I promote.

I too suffered years and years of abuse from my mother - but this thread isn't about me - so I can relate to everything you say MIzzuno. I forgave my mother and realized she was a very very sick woman, but it was after she died.

JaylaaKent

Love this - thanks DD.

Mizzuno

This is a deeper response that I appreciate. I am sure that she is not spending anytime thinking of her past actions. True and very unfortunate. I suppose, being that I am her child, someones child, there is a part of me that still wants and needs a mother. I think of the life I lived with her more so now then I have in a long time. This wedding has triggered a lot. I am not able to (at this moment) put all this stuff down. Working on that.

I guess the more I think of her and the actions, the more power she has. I never really thought of it this way. I am not a victim now but was in my childhood. Or am I a victim now? WTF? I really need to learn something here. It is so ugly. The past. I do have a choice and I can choose to relive this or not. There is unsettled emotions. Deciding how I intend to approach this is having my power? or, no?

Im not in the forgiveness part with my bio-mother. I am not sure how to do this. I am not sure what it looks like or how to begin the process. How does this happen?

Hawkeye13

I notice that Jaylaa and I both were able to forgive
but it was after our mothers had died.

Quite frankly, until then they are still dangerous.

What I did to start forgiving was to let go of the less hurtful things first.
There is a meditation process called Lovingkindness which is quite helpful.

Here is a link:
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm

Mizzuno

Hawkeye,
I was thinking this myself. Both of your mothers have passed. Loving kindness mediation will help me in the long run. I am not making excuses here, but I have tried mediation many many times. The process of mediation makes me really angry and overly emotional. I know I am supposed to work through this, but seeing how I have some stability I dont want to mess up the whole flow. Whatever flow that is. I sat down a few weeks back, and I ran into the same damn thing with mediation. I am thinking that I have to focus on something rather than closing my eyes. A candle flame. I need to see what is going on in the room.
Meditation has been a suggestion over the many years of therapy. Its funny now that I am implementing the suggestions after the therapy. During the therapy, I was just too confused for any suggestions. I was like "what do you mean breathe? Deep breathe? No." "You want me to write a gratitude list? No." Now, I implement these suggestions and they pay off.

So, the mediation thing will be revisited.

Hawkeye13

I hear you about the "try and think of nothing" type of meditation.
Me too. My mind is a hamster wheel of angst, so not good material for that.

However, LK meditation is more active; you basically first focus on (this is from the link I posted)

• a dearly beloved - which could be a close family member or friend;
• a neutral person - somebody you know, but have no special feelings towards, e.g.: a person who serves you in a shop;
• a hostile person - someone you are currently having difficulty with.

and you go through a process of visualization about each.

Quite frankly, I wasn't able to get to the last one for quite awhile.

I think you are dealing with a difficult situation very well, and whatever you feel comfortable and good about is your best choice. We are here to support that.

Kat60

Mizzuno,
I wish I could respond with something wise, comforting and helpful, but I cannot because I am still in the throws of coming to terms with my own issues...

This post has been both a trigger and a great help for me!
Thank you!

What I can say is that I think that you are a strong and amazing woman!

I think that YOU have created your life despite the difficulties that you were raised in, and you are working your recovery!

Way to go sister!!!

I pray for your peace over the course of these next few days and weeks... Thinking of you...

Kat

Mizzuno

Oh, my bad. Somehow I did not see the link. I will read it now

Deckard

Mizzuno, I'm really glad you posted this. You are getting some amazing words of wisdom and support here.

Just two little thoughts to add from me.

First, you might consider what specifically would count as a successful experience at this wedding for you? I bring this up because it sounds like keeping expectations realistic at this event will be important.

Second, remembering back to my wedding day… it was crazy. The people. The logistics. The expectations. The food…. It would not have been the ideal day for me to work through any additional or outstanding emotional issues. I just would not have had the bandwidth. Again, this goes to handling your expectations so as not to be disappointed.

Wishing you the best on this difficult challenge!

LadyBlue0527

Hi Mizzuno, first, my heart goes out to you. That had to take a lot for you to type and to share. I'm so glad that you were able to do that.

I think that in most of our minds we think of the act of forgiving as going directly to the person and telling them that we forgive them. This isn't a necessity.

Without supplying your mother with any excuses for her behavior and what she's done think of it this way. We are all a product of our experiences. I am only guessing that your mother grew up with a rough childhood and in a tough environment. If this is true then she's acting based on her own experiences. Again, that doesn't excuse her for anything that she's done but at least if that's the case then maybe that can give you a sense of understanding of why she is the way that she is. Through that understanding you might then be able to consider that had she been through different experiences in her life she might not be the same. It comes down to the fact that you can't change the past but at least you can try to develop that understanding which in turn might allow you to forgive. Not by going to her and forgiving her but doing it for your own peace of mind.

Forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves and only then can we begin to heal. That person never needs to know that you forgive them, it's only you who needs to know.

bemyself

Dear Mizz. Your thread has thankfully (seems odd, doesn't it?) brought many of us out of the woodwork of old and current pains.

In the spirit of gentle encouragement: I am 58. Both my parents are many many years dead. My father was the alcoholic but Mum tried her best, and it still didn't stop Dad wreaking his havoc on me and my two older sisters. In the meantime, I've had two children (now twin adults, only just a little over your age now). I've had / endured various marriages / defacto relationships.

My mental health is decidedly not great. I too do variations on loving kindness meditations and so forth, very seriously. Such things are sometimes all that keep me sane.

I shouldn't 'project' my experience onto you (Endgame might have something to add about this), but the very first time I tried to get sober, at barely 3 months, I had to attend my ex-mother in law's funeral. A little like you, though of course not the same details, I too was on the outer. I was not in the fold of the funeral party, the wake afterwards and so on. I had to see and EXPERIENCE my ex-husband, my two daughters, and all the family, as if I was just a visitor.

I went to a park after the cortege left, and cried. Then I went wherever I was staying nearby and drank. After my first 3 months of sobriety. It was all too overwhelming. All the unsaid stuff, all the tensions (that I spoke about in my last post to you), it was far and away all too much. It was THAT experience, four years ago, which sent me back down the rabbit hole of trying to get sober and slightly sane again.

Mizz, dear, don't let the lovely dress and the makeup distract you. You can say 'Vic, you're full of shi*&&^'. Or, 'you're not ME'. All of which are probably correct.

But, in a way that some of us (me) understand, you are feeling drawn to go to this wedding. The details of how little or how much you attend are perhaps covering up how much you want to see your sister, if not your mum. Most of us also 'get' the sense of likely guilt - that women especially feel - if you DON'T go, or even if you 'go' but are not truly present as you wish you were for your sister.

You're in a virtually un-winnable situation, Mizz. Life is just like that. Who will be the 'winner' here, Mizz? I usually hate the black n white of winners / losers. But: given what I've said from my experience....what will YOU gain for YOUR life, going forward, if you attend? Your dear younger sister will go on to muddle about with her actual married life; your mother will go on to muddle about with her life, however long or short it goes.

What about YOU? The dress will keep :-)

xxxx

Mizzuno

Okay. I know it sounds superficial but looking fabulous counts as a success for this wedding. Also, the other expectation I have is to not speak to my mother at all. So, no talking and looking really good. This dress I bought is amazing. I am excited to wear it. Another success is being calm and maintaining my strength. Walking in and out without any sort of verbal anything. This is my expectations. That is all. I can not control anyone else only myself.