Ugh......Heavy read. Tread lightly.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 332
Hi Mizzuno,
You're an amazing person! You've survived so much. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you don't allow your mother take up any more of your energy-it sounds like she's already taken enough from you.
Congrats on your sober time. You're an inspiration!
June
You're an amazing person! You've survived so much. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you don't allow your mother take up any more of your energy-it sounds like she's already taken enough from you.
Congrats on your sober time. You're an inspiration!
June
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by bemyself 
Dear Mizz. Your thread has thankfully (seems odd, doesn't it?) brought many of us out of the woodwork of old and current pains.
In the spirit of gentle encouragement: I am 58. Both my parents are many many years dead. My father was the alcoholic but Mum tried her best, and it still didn't stop Dad wreaking his havoc on me and my two older sisters. In the meantime, I've had two children (now twin adults, only just a little over your age now). I've had / endured various marriages / defacto relationships.
My mental health is decidedly not great. I too do variations on loving kindness meditations and so forth, very seriously. Such things are sometimes all that keep me sane.
I shouldn't 'project' my experience onto you (Endgame might have something to add about this), but the very first time I tried to get sober, at barely 3 months, I had to attend my ex-mother in law's funeral. A little like you, though of course not the same details, I too was on the outer. I was not in the fold of the funeral party, the wake afterwards and so on. I had to see and EXPERIENCE my ex-husband, my two daughters, and all the family, as if I was just a visitor.
I went to a park after the cortege left, and cried. Then I went wherever I was staying nearby and drank. After my first 3 months of sobriety. It was all too overwhelming. All the unsaid stuff, all the tensions (that I spoke about in my last post to you), it was far and away all too much. It was THAT experience, four years ago, which sent me back down the rabbit hole of trying to get sober and slightly sane again.
Mizz, dear, don't let the lovely dress and the makeup distract you. You can say 'Vic, you're full of shi*&&^'. Or, 'you're not ME'. All of which are probably correct.
But, in a way that some of us (me) understand, you are feeling drawn to go to this wedding. The details of how little or how much you attend are perhaps covering up how much you want to see your sister, if not your mum. Most of us also 'get' the sense of likely guilt - that women especially feel - if you DON'T go, or even if you 'go' but are not truly present as you wish you were for your sister.
You're in a virtually un-winnable situation, Mizz. Life is just like that. Who will be the 'winner' here, Mizz? I usually hate the black n white of winners / losers. But: given what I've said from my experience....what will YOU gain for YOUR life, going forward, if you attend? Your dear younger sister will go on to muddle about with her actual married life; your mother will go on to muddle about with her life, however long or short it goes.
What about YOU? The dress will keep :-)
xxxx
In the spirit of gentle encouragement: I am 58. Both my parents are many many years dead. My father was the alcoholic but Mum tried her best, and it still didn't stop Dad wreaking his havoc on me and my two older sisters. In the meantime, I've had two children (now twin adults, only just a little over your age now). I've had / endured various marriages / defacto relationships.
My mental health is decidedly not great. I too do variations on loving kindness meditations and so forth, very seriously. Such things are sometimes all that keep me sane.
I shouldn't 'project' my experience onto you (Endgame might have something to add about this), but the very first time I tried to get sober, at barely 3 months, I had to attend my ex-mother in law's funeral. A little like you, though of course not the same details, I too was on the outer. I was not in the fold of the funeral party, the wake afterwards and so on. I had to see and EXPERIENCE my ex-husband, my two daughters, and all the family, as if I was just a visitor.
I went to a park after the cortege left, and cried. Then I went wherever I was staying nearby and drank. After my first 3 months of sobriety. It was all too overwhelming. All the unsaid stuff, all the tensions (that I spoke about in my last post to you), it was far and away all too much. It was THAT experience, four years ago, which sent me back down the rabbit hole of trying to get sober and slightly sane again.
Mizz, dear, don't let the lovely dress and the makeup distract you. You can say 'Vic, you're full of shi*&&^'. Or, 'you're not ME'. All of which are probably correct.
But, in a way that some of us (me) understand, you are feeling drawn to go to this wedding. The details of how little or how much you attend are perhaps covering up how much you want to see your sister, if not your mum. Most of us also 'get' the sense of likely guilt - that women especially feel - if you DON'T go, or even if you 'go' but are not truly present as you wish you were for your sister.
You're in a virtually un-winnable situation, Mizz. Life is just like that. Who will be the 'winner' here, Mizz? I usually hate the black n white of winners / losers. But: given what I've said from my experience....what will YOU gain for YOUR life, going forward, if you attend? Your dear younger sister will go on to muddle about with her actual married life; your mother will go on to muddle about with her life, however long or short it goes.
What about YOU? The dress will keep :-)
xxxx
The dress will keep.
Being accountable here and in my life has gotten me this far. I could end up enrolling myself back into a therapeutic setting and dealing with this again. I just don't know Vic. I no longer choose to be my worst enemy. I have chosen to actually realize my full potential. Drinking is not an option. No matter how hard all of this is and will be in the future. No matter what, I can not kill myself by alcoholism. I have this much say in the situation. It is this simple, I pick up and I lose all that I am gaining. I do not drink and I receive more than I have ever had mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I was not meant to live my life with unrealized dreams. I am not allowing anyone to take away my purpose, including myself. I have to obtain the highest education that i can because I am worthy of this. I can do this. All of our lives will go on. All of our lives will be what they are. There is no part of me that wants to see my bio-mother, but my sister yes. I will be present. This is a good thought Vic. My being present is really important. Not in my head and concerned, but present for the ceremony. So, I will continue on and possibly gain some healing from this. Possibly understand a little more about myself and the healing that I need to do. Thank you for coming out of the woodwork. Do you think this makes sense?
The more i think about giving power to this person, I can see it with my thoughts. The more I think of this wedding and my concerns the more she has control. No more of that $hit.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
A thousand blessings to you, Mizz, and to all who 'worked' - i.e. are present - for Mizz, on this thread. Of course, the thread isn't finished either; in the sense that Life isn't.
Mizz, dear, and the others who've contributed (it gets too fiddly to do the thanks to everyone some days): THIS kind of deep, soulful and often quite practical talk is what SR is for.
You know, Mizz, that you are one of the many many honoured members of this large worldwide community. Whatever you end up doing re the wedding, yea verily, even on the very morning of it: as you say above: it is YOU who will be living it. Not us.
I for one will be looking to hear what happened, how you did (or didn't), and am thinking of you in these next few days.
PS I admire you tremendously on many levels - not least that you do not want to drink over this.
Mizz, dear, and the others who've contributed (it gets too fiddly to do the thanks to everyone some days): THIS kind of deep, soulful and often quite practical talk is what SR is for.
You know, Mizz, that you are one of the many many honoured members of this large worldwide community. Whatever you end up doing re the wedding, yea verily, even on the very morning of it: as you say above: it is YOU who will be living it. Not us.
I for one will be looking to hear what happened, how you did (or didn't), and am thinking of you in these next few days.
PS I admire you tremendously on many levels - not least that you do not want to drink over this.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
My warm hugs to you, Mizzuno.
I hear and understand you very well about all that you are talking about. Childhood wounds are hardest to heal, they make us vulnerable. I have this issue with having a lot of food as well.
You have every right to be proud of yourself.
And you have all our support)
Take care of yourself.
P.S. Imagine that you are bulletproof, you are titanium.
I hear and understand you very well about all that you are talking about. Childhood wounds are hardest to heal, they make us vulnerable. I have this issue with having a lot of food as well.
You have every right to be proud of yourself.
And you have all our support)
Take care of yourself.
P.S. Imagine that you are bulletproof, you are titanium.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Take care of yourself, Mizz. It seems that you've put in the work and wound up in a good place. Above all else it seems to me that you've begun to see yourself for what you really are: A survivor. I pointedly say survivor and not victim! Seeing what you overcame to get to where you are, and your victory over drinking too, you have to see the strength you have. I won't say adversity is a good thing but in some way it is; you'd never know how strong you can be until you're forced to access that inner reservoir of strength.
So let it come! She was horrible to you but you survived. You not only survived but you've thrived. If your mother deserves any feelings from you it's pity more than scorn. It sounds like she's a lost and broken, bitter old woman. It's not your fault nor your problem, and you don't owe her anything. But maybe you owe it to yourself to give both of you a break. Not a pass, but a break.
Appreciate where you are right now, especially given where you came from. I know you will make it through okay!
So let it come! She was horrible to you but you survived. You not only survived but you've thrived. If your mother deserves any feelings from you it's pity more than scorn. It sounds like she's a lost and broken, bitter old woman. It's not your fault nor your problem, and you don't owe her anything. But maybe you owe it to yourself to give both of you a break. Not a pass, but a break.
Appreciate where you are right now, especially given where you came from. I know you will make it through okay!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Once again thank you all for the sincere replies. All of your words are with me and being thought of deeply. If it was not for this community, I would not be processing this is a new light. The only thing that makes the most sense is to attend the ceremony and leave immediately after. Nothing more or less. I am not able to walk in heels, and so this has to be a quick experience. 
I do not owe anyone an explanation for anything. I do owe myself a break from all of this, and I have gotten that in some respects over the last 8 years, and more importantly now that I am sober. I spent a great deal of time wrapped up in trying to drown out my emotion's with alcohol. Other than the fact that I thought of wine as a sophisticated drink, I used the high as an escape from the pain that I felt and also because it was what people did. Being that alcohol is one of those most commonly accepted ways to celebrate everything, I managed to lie, cheat myself, and run from the fact that addiction runs through the veins of my birth family. I could only run for so long until the truth was knocking on my door and telling me that my life would end up in the same manner (as my mother and fathers) if I didn't stop. Running from my parents resulted in my being able to run from myself. My bottom was really the best thing for me. Ive known of the addictive patterns in my own life for so long. I mean at 10 years old, I was trying to get away from it. I think it took a very rude awakening to get me to start doing what was right. I also think that I needed to gain some maturity. Does that make sense? Being young and running around like your invincible seems to be a part of the experience. Or, being young and trying to be an adult way before your supposed to be was the reality. Either way, I have found peace which did not come without a price. I only have this peace while sober. Period. I don't mean that I do not experience ups and downs, but I have a more leveled existence. It equates to peace.
A huge part of me does not want to let my sister down anymore than she has already been let down. Her experience was different than mine, but pain is pain and it is all relative. Im older and do not have the expectations of mending anything with my bio-mother. She still needs her mother. Mothers can not be replaced and she will build what she can with her bio-mother. This is what I wish for both of them honestly. I want my mother to be able to be there for one of her children, and one of her children needs to experience the relationship of having a mother. I encourage this with all of my heart. It's besides the point of my own battle and lifelong struggle to heal. Having family is extremely important. Or at least having someone who is in your corner, cheering you on and loving all that is within you, good and bad. Sometimes the right thing is not always the easiest. Sometimes we have to walk through the uncomfortable, to realize our own strength and our own power. I am taking you all with me.
I am so honored that so many of you took the time to post and see this for what it is. Without the process, I am not sure where my head would be and I feel so calm now. I actually feel taken care of by all of you. I only hope that I can give back in the way that you all have given to me. I suppose that would be to listen and implement the advice that has been given. Also, to continue on with sobriety and being a part of this amazing community.
I do not owe anyone an explanation for anything. I do owe myself a break from all of this, and I have gotten that in some respects over the last 8 years, and more importantly now that I am sober. I spent a great deal of time wrapped up in trying to drown out my emotion's with alcohol. Other than the fact that I thought of wine as a sophisticated drink, I used the high as an escape from the pain that I felt and also because it was what people did. Being that alcohol is one of those most commonly accepted ways to celebrate everything, I managed to lie, cheat myself, and run from the fact that addiction runs through the veins of my birth family. I could only run for so long until the truth was knocking on my door and telling me that my life would end up in the same manner (as my mother and fathers) if I didn't stop. Running from my parents resulted in my being able to run from myself. My bottom was really the best thing for me. Ive known of the addictive patterns in my own life for so long. I mean at 10 years old, I was trying to get away from it. I think it took a very rude awakening to get me to start doing what was right. I also think that I needed to gain some maturity. Does that make sense? Being young and running around like your invincible seems to be a part of the experience. Or, being young and trying to be an adult way before your supposed to be was the reality. Either way, I have found peace which did not come without a price. I only have this peace while sober. Period. I don't mean that I do not experience ups and downs, but I have a more leveled existence. It equates to peace.
A huge part of me does not want to let my sister down anymore than she has already been let down. Her experience was different than mine, but pain is pain and it is all relative. Im older and do not have the expectations of mending anything with my bio-mother. She still needs her mother. Mothers can not be replaced and she will build what she can with her bio-mother. This is what I wish for both of them honestly. I want my mother to be able to be there for one of her children, and one of her children needs to experience the relationship of having a mother. I encourage this with all of my heart. It's besides the point of my own battle and lifelong struggle to heal. Having family is extremely important. Or at least having someone who is in your corner, cheering you on and loving all that is within you, good and bad. Sometimes the right thing is not always the easiest. Sometimes we have to walk through the uncomfortable, to realize our own strength and our own power. I am taking you all with me.
I am so honored that so many of you took the time to post and see this for what it is. Without the process, I am not sure where my head would be and I feel so calm now. I actually feel taken care of by all of you. I only hope that I can give back in the way that you all have given to me. I suppose that would be to listen and implement the advice that has been given. Also, to continue on with sobriety and being a part of this amazing community.
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I'm really blown away by the depth of your insight and your willingness to bravely examine these painful dynamics, and still try to selflessly do what is best for your sister. You have my support and admiration. Keep posting.
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Ugh....
Okay. I am awake. Tomorrow is the day. I told my husband about this thread. I am overwhelmed in a good way over the love and respect that has been given to me through this process. I have never experienced this sort of positivity before, especially from people that I do not know. However, I feel like I do know you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I am getting messages in my inbox. You all are letting me know that you are thinking and praying for me. Please know that I am doing the same for you.
The pressure with the wedding has been intense. My little sister has posted on Facebook in an aggressive manner many times; "If you did not respond to my requests about attendance, you are not allowed at the wedding." " This is the final call for attendance, you are not allowed".......yada, yada, yada. I can not tell her to have some class and let others do what they will. I am sure there will be another round of posting and from what I am gathering, yelling at people on Facebook. She is very similar to my mother and this is way too much for me. It freaks me out. Other posts of "Dying Moms hair and then off to blah, blah, blah.....Oh, and the big thing with this is the always and forever asking for some type of funds for wedding. I had to set some boundaries with her and let her know that with Christmas, wedding gifts, and all that I am financially responsible for, I can not help her with this event. Somehow she has been able to afford it and make it happen.
I have purchased her wedding gifts and had them sent to her house. I did my part in that respect.
Now, over this weekend I have unintentionally let my head space get rented out with memories of my past. I do understand NOW how I could let someone have power. Yesterday, I remembered that I am not a child anymore. I remembered that no one can hurt me any longer, and I purposefully told myself that I am okay. I am better than okay. I am doing a find job of taking care of myself, being a step-mother, a guardian to cats, a wife, a solid person. I looked around at my environment and felt a sense of pride with my surroundings. We live simply and comfortably.
I was reading about abandonment issues and all that it takes for people to overcome them. I read that these issues can be triggered and it is like a raging fire. I commend my husband for being involved with a person who has such deep deep wounds. He told me years ago; "You just need to be loved in the right way." Something in that manner. I know this to be true. Very very true. I ran from any type of emotional connection for what seemed like my whole life. Until I let him love me. Even that was hard. I stayed and I can feel the rewards on a daily basis.
So, today I will remain calm to the best of my ability. I feel peace at times and then I feel complete confusion. Almost like walking back into the lions den. This is the choice I have made. I have made this choice because I know what it is like to be let down by the people that are supposed to be there for you. Family..... I can not intentionally let her down because I have these issues. Why does this has to be so hard?
I will attend the ceremony and then leave. I do not have to be at the reception. My sister has posted about the head count and paying for the meal. So, if she does not like that I do not sit and eat with strangers, I will send her the money for our meal. This is what I can do.
Off to work. Thank you for allowing me this space to process my feelings. I did not intend for it to be so long. I hope the other members do not mind this. I know that we all need help here. I hope I am giving back in the ways that you all have given to me. Have a good day everyone.
Okay. I am awake. Tomorrow is the day. I told my husband about this thread. I am overwhelmed in a good way over the love and respect that has been given to me through this process. I have never experienced this sort of positivity before, especially from people that I do not know. However, I feel like I do know you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I am getting messages in my inbox. You all are letting me know that you are thinking and praying for me. Please know that I am doing the same for you.
The pressure with the wedding has been intense. My little sister has posted on Facebook in an aggressive manner many times; "If you did not respond to my requests about attendance, you are not allowed at the wedding." " This is the final call for attendance, you are not allowed".......yada, yada, yada. I can not tell her to have some class and let others do what they will. I am sure there will be another round of posting and from what I am gathering, yelling at people on Facebook. She is very similar to my mother and this is way too much for me. It freaks me out. Other posts of "Dying Moms hair and then off to blah, blah, blah.....Oh, and the big thing with this is the always and forever asking for some type of funds for wedding. I had to set some boundaries with her and let her know that with Christmas, wedding gifts, and all that I am financially responsible for, I can not help her with this event. Somehow she has been able to afford it and make it happen.
I have purchased her wedding gifts and had them sent to her house. I did my part in that respect.
Now, over this weekend I have unintentionally let my head space get rented out with memories of my past. I do understand NOW how I could let someone have power. Yesterday, I remembered that I am not a child anymore. I remembered that no one can hurt me any longer, and I purposefully told myself that I am okay. I am better than okay. I am doing a find job of taking care of myself, being a step-mother, a guardian to cats, a wife, a solid person. I looked around at my environment and felt a sense of pride with my surroundings. We live simply and comfortably.
I was reading about abandonment issues and all that it takes for people to overcome them. I read that these issues can be triggered and it is like a raging fire. I commend my husband for being involved with a person who has such deep deep wounds. He told me years ago; "You just need to be loved in the right way." Something in that manner. I know this to be true. Very very true. I ran from any type of emotional connection for what seemed like my whole life. Until I let him love me. Even that was hard. I stayed and I can feel the rewards on a daily basis.
So, today I will remain calm to the best of my ability. I feel peace at times and then I feel complete confusion. Almost like walking back into the lions den. This is the choice I have made. I have made this choice because I know what it is like to be let down by the people that are supposed to be there for you. Family..... I can not intentionally let her down because I have these issues. Why does this has to be so hard?
I will attend the ceremony and then leave. I do not have to be at the reception. My sister has posted about the head count and paying for the meal. So, if she does not like that I do not sit and eat with strangers, I will send her the money for our meal. This is what I can do.
Off to work. Thank you for allowing me this space to process my feelings. I did not intend for it to be so long. I hope the other members do not mind this. I know that we all need help here. I hope I am giving back in the ways that you all have given to me. Have a good day everyone.
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wait? She is asking for funding for her wedding on FB???? are you kidding me? she is asking PEOPLE SHE INVITED to help fund her wedding?
tres TACKY! sounds like a CIRCUS.
Miss Manners, Ann Landers and her sister Abby, Emily Post are frowning down on this.
you sent a gift to her, you do NOT have to send her $$ to pay for your meal. If you cannot AFFORD to host a big event, you simply have a smaller one that you can.
tres TACKY! sounds like a CIRCUS.
Miss Manners, Ann Landers and her sister Abby, Emily Post are frowning down on this.
you sent a gift to her, you do NOT have to send her $$ to pay for your meal. If you cannot AFFORD to host a big event, you simply have a smaller one that you can.
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Originally Posted by Fandy
wait? She is asking for funding for her wedding on FB???? are you kidding me? she is asking PEOPLE SHE INVITED to help fund her wedding?
tres TACKY! sounds like a CIRCUS.
Miss Manners, Ann Landers and her sister Abby, Emily Post are frowning down on this.
you sent a gift to her, you do NOT have to send her $$ to pay for your meal. If you cannot AFFORD to host a big event, you simply have a smaller one that you can.
tres TACKY! sounds like a CIRCUS.
Miss Manners, Ann Landers and her sister Abby, Emily Post are frowning down on this.
you sent a gift to her, you do NOT have to send her $$ to pay for your meal. If you cannot AFFORD to host a big event, you simply have a smaller one that you can.
The amount of control over the wedding quests has been intense. I have never seen anything like this before. She needs a head count because of the meal cost and we have to tell her if we are going to eat, and we have to respond to all these posts. I am now in a position that If I do not eat it is breaking the "rules" that she has placed on everyone due to cost and what not. It has been post after post. I blocked her news feed due to the pressure and not wanting to see all of it. She is 23. Not an excuse but operates in a manner that I do not. Over sharing on Facebook.
My husband has said that we responded by saying we would be there so we have to partake due to all the cost and what not. My stance on the situation and not wanting to cause any turmoil with my sister is that If I do not eat and stay, I will send her the money for the meal. I do not want to tell her all this stuff that is internally taking place within me a day before her wedding. I am trying to keep things neutral and pleasant between us. Also, I do not want my bio-mother to catch wind of this because I fear she will cause some kind of . drama. It's a circus yes. Big giant crazy circus.
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Originally Posted by Gilmer
You sound like you're in a very solid place, Mizzuno. We are continuing to pray for you and pull for you. What time of day tomorrow?
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