kcbf

I have been here on and off over the past few years. Today, I looked at myself in the mirror (which I have avoided for so long) and realized what I have done to myself.

I have been drinking 1-2 bottles of wine every night for years and my body cannot handle it anymore. As with a recent post I just read, I too have moments where brushing my teeth leads to throwing up and gagging. What is that about? Why? I have acid reflux, my toe nails are looking strange and I haven't had a regular bowel movement in months and months (sorry for the detail there).

I am scared I have done damage that cannot be undone. I function, I have a stressful job and 2 kids. My husband was unemployed for 2 years, and my father just passed away 2 months ago. So, things have been progressively getting worse with the drinking.

I need to stop and want to stop, I do not want to live in this dark place any longer. My children deserve to have a mother who is present and a part of their lives. My husband deserves to have a partner who isn't blacking out every night.

Please give me strength. I need to find the courage to say goodbye to this awful enemy once and for all. Wish me luck!

Kaneda8888

Hey kcbf

Welcome back to SR. try and stay connected as much as possible to this site. Post a lot, read a lot, join the December class. Have you got a recovery plan ? One thing I have learnt is that one needs support. YOu can't stay abstinent on will power alone ! I wish you not only luck but also the resolve to change things and move forward !

soberhawk

It can be done and you will not regret it.

You should probably talk to your doctor before you stop if your health is bad.

Do it for your own sake and for your kids sake.

We can not escape pain by drinking, we can numb some pain but we just end up feeling depressed and miserable, it is not worth it.

Dee74

Welcome KCBF

Most of us fear that. If it's preying on your mind, I recommend you see a Dr - that way you can put your mind at rest.

Generally it's not a bad idea to see a Dr anyway - detox can be rough for some of us.

It's never to late to stop
Do you have any kind of plan on how to stay stopped?

D

KateL

Glad you came here. You can look good again and recover your health xxxx

kcbf

Thanks everyone for your encouragement. I do not have a plan, really. Maybe that is why I have not succeeded in the past. I am hoping to just get through the next 72 hours first and then was thinking about going to some meetings, looking for a sponsor perhaps? I have been to my Doctor and have been honest about what has been going on. She ordered me to go get some lab work done and I am just afraid of what I might find out.

I am afraid that it is too late and that it won't matter if I stop at this point. But, I am willing to try. Being on this site is very helpful. I have found that it is a great support system and that I don't feel as alone here.

least

Glad you're back giving it another go. You can do this!

bigsombrero

The damage can be undone - but it won't happen overnight! It's a really big commitment - think of it as if you were taking a trip around the world. Wouldn't you need to make some plans, map out your journey and set goals? And set up safety nets in case things fall through?

Same goes for sobriety. The first steps involve not drinking - when do you drink? Evenings? Weekends? What are you going to do instead? How are you going to stop yourself from taking that first sip each night? Are you living with a drinker and is he prepared to support you? What kind of support do you have, if any?

There are a lot of things you'll need to get straight here. This is serious business. Quitting can return you to proper health, help your marriage and your family. More importantly it will probably save your life!

JaylaaKent

I had liver and pancreatic damage and an ulcer - all healed after a few months. Total abstinence though. The detox was horrible - getting sober was enough to make me stay sober the past few months. I never want to go through that again. Welcome back - keep us posted about your condition and progress please.

digdug

By the end of my drinking career, I was throwing up every morning, usually just bile because I had not eaten the night before. My liver panels were off the chart, and I had a stomach bleed. I was severely malnourished and my liver was protruding.

With 8+ months of sobriety, every issue has resolved itself. I am actually seeing my liver doctor tomorrow, but I have no worries because I haven't had a drink since my last visit.

Please see a doctor about your symptoms and detoxing from alcohol. You don't have to do this alone.

FeelingGreat

Hi kcbf, you're disgusted with yourself and worried about your health. You are not doing the right thing by your family. You have looked yourself in the mirror and you don't like what you see. USE THIS!!!
I was a bottle of wine a day drinker, and the breakthrough for me was when I told my doctor. I didn't give up right away, but I did stop soon after. There's a point in all successful recoveries where we realise we can't continue drinking and ignore the consequences.
Don't focus on the hard bits, you are not 'giving up' something, you're embracing life and there will be a huge gain for you and your family. Honestly, when I look back I feel so sorry for that person who couldn't control her drinking.
The best payoff for me was waking up the next morning without a hangover and self-reproach. Hence my online name.

Mizzuno

I do understand where you are. I have been there. The suggestion to see a doctor is one that I would seriously consider. You can do this. Create a plan and soar with it. Do not look back.

kcbf

I know it will not be easy for sure. Yes, my husband drinks too. He is also very social. Often when I tell him I just can't always be out and socializing it makes it difficult because he wants to be out. We have friends that all drink. Although I know if I said that I were stopping because of some health issues that I would get the support I need from my friends. My husband would be supportive, but he doesn't really recognize when I do go for several days without a drink.

I drink in the evenings and on the weekends starting now as early as noon and just goes on from there. So, it has progressed. I don't know what kind of safety net I would put in place, I haven't really ever thought of that. I have thought about replacing the drinking with exercise and some other new hobbie I could take up, yoga is one think I love to do. But, I know that isn't going to do it. I have looked into AA meetings. The good think is that since I work, that prevents me from drinking all the time, probably has saved my life.

Suggestions? Journaling is another thing I thought about, reading at night too. I love to read.

Babs78756

Kcbf- Your thinking is all where it needs to be. I'd try all of the above to fill your time. I went and got a fitbit (counts your steps, calories etc.) and focused on getting all my steps in each days - so that's lots of running for me... Any exercise will help get that anxious energy out. I totally relate to your story. Be strong girl!

chaili05

Those are all great ideas! I would definitely try out AA... and try out a few before deciding if you found one that suits you as they can all be pretty different. I have found a few I really enjoy and others not as much.
Journaling is really helpful for some...exercise has helped me out extremely!

What I've personally been struggling with is exactly that of what to fill my time with now that I'm not drinking... when I really think about it I spent quite some time drinking throughout the week and now those are hours I need to fill with something! I'm trying to think back on what I did before drinking took over (while it was only a few yrs of drinking it's pretty difficult to think of lol). That might help for you too!

marselles

well done kcbf for plugging in. welcome home. i feel your pain and your fear. i too was hesitant to confide in my gp/doctor that i had a drink issue. i had destroyed relationships and the people i was with. i had caused untold suffering to my dear family. i blamed them and pushed them away. i ruined educational and occupational prospects. i found myself waking up in police cells. i wound up sleeping in office doorways and back streets for years. i was in and out of hospitals. i was stabbed and dying in an ambulance. i felt relief in that ambulance because here was a way out i thought. then i woke up in hospital intensive care. but i still carried on. i was telling myself 1. i could do it on my own when i was good and ready, 2. i better not speak to my doctor coz making it official could affect my employment prospects! lol! also i too feared that my consequences were irreparable. if i can do it so can anyone. if we can admit our problem and see that there is a solution, by following with solid action a life beyond your wildest dreams awaits you. i did not believe this "nonsense" a short while ago but its now a reality for me and millions of others the world over. if i see what works for other people, then it can work for me too.

Renarde

Welcome! It can be done. There is wonderful support here - glad you found SR.

kcbf

You know, it is hard for me to even figure out how I got here to begin with. I used to work out almost every day. Then, I got into an abusive relationship and I think that is where it all began. That is why getting back to the exercising would be good for me because it is something that I really loved. I am an all or nothing person. So, my challenge is to try and go slow so I don't just give up as I am a bit out of shape and haven't been on an exercise regime consistently for a long time.

It is so true, drinking takes up a lot of time. Such wasted time too (no pun intended). The old cliche' I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have a little book of quotes that I am going to start with, daily affirmations to help me stay on track and keep me strong.

Thank you all for your replies and suggestions. It really helps to know that I am not alone in this journey.

kcbf

Thank you for sharing your story Marselles. I am glad you are here and that things have turned around for you. I think that is the part that scares me sometimes the most that life without alcohol will prove to be so amazing, and yet it is something I have had a part of my life for so long I don't know who I will become or if people will like me any other way. Crazy thinking I know. Congratulations on your sobriety.

chaili05

Oh my gosh I completely relate. I used to exercise daily, was always in good shape, ate very healthy, etc... and at the end of my drinking I was never working out and ate the unhealthiest I've eaten since I was probably 13 years old.
I started working out again about 5x/week around... my second week of sobriety I'd say (I'm now at 34 days). I'm still nowhere near where I was, but I've already seen improvements in my stamina. What helped me was that I kept telling myself "Something is more than nothing" in regards to working out. Just like that saying goes "No matter how fast you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch." Also, I keep in mind what my mom always tells me "be nice to yourself"- especially early on in sobriety after we've been so mean to ourselves because of our drinking (being ashamed, angry etc...) it's so important to just be nice to yourself and take care of yourself. Not drinking and doing ANY exercise, even walking around the block, you're doing something to help your health. Feel good about that!!