Butterfinger

Hello All... I wanted to say hello and also see if anyone has been where I am and has some encouraging words. Long story short, I can go without drinking for days and weeks with no problem but once I do start drinking.. I don't have a stopping point.... and liquor flips my evil switch (one of my most hated family traits). I don't get evil every single time but when it happens... it is not pretty and I wake up not remembering a thing. Sadly, my husband, who I love very much, is who I project my evil verbal abuse on for reasons uknown to my sober mind and he obviously remembers all of it. This last time, 3 of our really good friends were there to witness my crazy which made it even worse. So, I have decided that since I can't seem to control my intake... and always seems to get over confident in my ability to drink shots and whatever I want like everyone else... I have decided to just abstain from alcohol completely.
I'm very excited about it.. the idea of not spending entire days on the couch because I'm too hungover to move is fantastic (especially since we have a 5 year old who shouldn't have to deal with hungover parents, I did as a kid and hated it). What I'm having an issue with is every person I have told that i have decided to stop drinking they all act like I'm crazy and being over dramatic and tell me "oh you can drink, just drink beer" or "everyone has those nights every now and then, it's okay you don't need to quit drinking" .... it is so annoying. They make it seem like just because I'm not having to drink every day that I don't have a problem or a form of alcoholism when I really feel like I do. In my opinion, even if 25 out of 26 times drinking goes great and I don't turn evil, that 1 time that I hurt my husband or someone else I love because my crazy switch flips is not okay and it can't happen anymore.
Okay, so maybe this wasn't "long story short" and now seems more like "long story long" lol. If any of you can relate and/or have some encouraging words they are much appreciated. Again, I'm super excited about my sobriety but it is getting a little lonely with no one who truly understands. Thanks in advance! I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving!

deeker

Hi BF,


Big Book Online Fourth Edition

Above is a link to an AA Big Book. it will explain a lot.

Linked with Permission Of AA World services, inc

Glad you are here!

thebluewolf

Hello Butterfinger

I can relate to the drinking. I was a daily drinker and could switch from 'happy drunk' to 'evil drunk' in the blink of an eye. I lost a lot of friends, relationships, etc through that. Plus I wasn't much use to my kids in the morning either. I was the same in that I'd convince mainly myself that it was just a few but I always ended up steaming drunk

Most people who know me know what a nightmare I can be under the influence so they are pretty understanding of my choice to be completely sober. I do sometimes get the 'have a few, what's your problem?' comments but I just politely explain I'm good on soft drinks and leave it there.

Oh and welcome to the board

Wastinglife

I also have an evil twin inside me that comes out with the right amount of booze. Like you, I didn't always flip-out and go crazy, but I was unpredictable and got myself in a lot of trouble when I did become that monster. A complete alcohol ban is the only way I have been able to guarantee I don't become that person again.

KateL

I was a binge drinker like yourself. And I could be horrible. I thought I would never get better and tried for years. In the end something just clicked. I think the trick is to never give up x

girlsearching

I don't feel like I have an evil side but I do have the stupid side that will say anything and that can be just as bad. Last weekend I said something really stupid to a best friend and I don't even remember it. I woke up and decided this was so crazy to do things I don't even remember. I was so embarrassed. I just decided I cannot control this unless I just don't drink. I have not had a drink since Sunday, only day five....but I have to stick with this. I don't trust myself anymore and the only way to stop that other side of me from coming out is to just not drink. I haven't had to deal with the "why aren't you having a drink" issue with friends yet, but I know I'll have the answers when the time comes. I think I'm just going to say "I'm not drinking today" and at some point they will get my point. But right now my focus is on me and my health and I am not worrying about what my peers think or don't think of me. I need to overcome this. Good luck!

Butterfinger

I really appreciate your responses.. Thank you! I have been reading posts in here for days and was a bit nervous about posting my own. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
deeker - I have started reading the book thank you!

Butterfinger

girlsearching - thank you and good luck to you as well!

malcolmsloan

You are not alone at all, butterfinger. I relate to the "switch." I found that as the years went by, the "swtich" did get more and more sinister. I said and did things that I am/was so shocked at once I sobered up. Welcome to SR. You'll find lots of support, compassion, and insight here

Butterfinger

Thanks Malcolm! I'm happy to be here... its such a relief so have stumbled across and become a part of SR.

George3334

Butterfinger, congratulations on your decision to stop drinking and thank you for posting in SR. I can relate to the "switch" that gets flipped. A journal article I'd like to share with you helped me understand a bit about what goes on in the mind that makes our social behaviors more extreme. The title is: "Alcohol Myopia, Its Prized and Dangerous Effects" by Steele and Josephs.

Here's a link: http://www.dishlab.org/blog/wp-conte...sephs-1990.pdf

Vigilance

Not only can I relate to the "switch", but I also had numerous friends who did not believe me when I told them I quit and I am an alcoholic.

misspond

Hi Butterfinger

I didn't have an evil side but I do have a stupid reckless side and like everyone else here once one drink is inside me my switch flips and I drink and drink and drink.... well, I did

Anyway - you're definitely not alone here, and definitely not alone in the experience you've had with your friends. Most of mine have not questioned my decision (probably the ones who would agree that I can be stupid and reckless once I've had too much to drink) and the ones who have said similar stuff to yours, the ones who try and tell me that I don't have a problem, just cut down a bit, just drink on days with an "R" in them etc - well, I guess that I'm one of their bench-marks and they maybe see that if I feel the need to give up maybe they should examine their own drinking?

It's not an easy path, but it's a good one, so keep up the great work you've been doing on yourself x And I hear you about the 5 year old - how excellent is it to not have to spend the day on the sofa until you can rouse yourself to be a great parent for an hour before the kids go to bed? xx

least

to SR Butterfinger and Girlsearching. You've come to a great place with lots of support.

Dee74

Welcome aboard butterfinger - you'll find a lot of support here

D

Hevyn

Pleased to meet you Butterfinger!

I definitely relate. Drinking turns me into a person I don't even recognize. A person just about the complete opposite from the real Hevyn. I had to send her packing - she was out to destroy me. I think you'll find it a huge help to be here with us! We are with you.

trudgingagain

Welcome, Butterfinger! I have heard it said that you might be an alcoholic (of course it is up to you to decide...or not to use a label at all if: 1) drinking negatively affects your personal professional life, 2) you drink daily (usually a lot) or 3) when you DO drink you lose control over your drinking....Many of us have not been daily drinkers. I know that for me, I was not a daily drinker until the end (this time). I had blackouts when I drank too much and would saw awful, hurtful things to my husband and (at times) to my girls....and never remembered them....BUT THEY DID. I always hated it when someone said that you "say what you really feel" when you are drunk. For me, at least, that was SO NOT TRUE. Glad you found us! SR is a great place with great, sober people! And...BTW...good for you!