Victoria74

So I am down to drinking once a week. But I drink myself completely wasted. No fun at all. And I drank when I had my kids, I feel so terrible about that and keep thinking about the stuff they have had to put up with in the past when I drank much more often. Feel guilty about destroying their lives. But beating myself up doesn´t help...I need to get completely sober and at least be the best mum I can in the future. How do you come to peace with the fact that you´ve been a bad parent at several occasions?

Image101

Hi Victoria. I'm not a parent but dealing with guilt over past actions is something everyone in recovery has to deal with. I think quitting for good is the absolute best way you can get over past actions. That way you can be the best parent you can be from here on out.
We both know that drinking isn't going to make ANYTHING better and will In all fairness will likely make things worse.
Do you have some sort of idea of a recovery plan?

Victoria74

Thanks. No I don´t have a recovery plan, or the one I had is obviously not working. I am not attending AA. I started excersising, which I enjoy and that is how I cut down to once a week. I really don´t want to drink, I hate myself drunk. But after a sober week I forget I can´t moderate, sort of think I "deserve" a drink. Got to get rid of those idiotic thoughts. I have my kids half the time, I am divorced, and I did (until yesterday) not drink at all when they were with me for the past 2 months or so. Which gave me a false sense of control...I obviously control nothing. And the guilt is making everything worse. When I don´t have my kids I miss them terribly and wine takes away the worst. But the next day I feel 10 times worse and like such a huge failure. Why is this so difficult, I read here daily about people making it. Why can´t I.

SpartanGreen

Nothing is impossible and just ask yourself, do you enjoy your life more on the 6 days when you don't drink or on the 7th day when you do drink? If you're doing to right thing 6 days out of the week, why keep that guillotine hanging over yourself for 1 day of the week? Think of the sense of freedom and peace of mind you'll have if you eradicate it completely.

Image101

AA isn't a 'requirement' for sobriety by any means. There are so many different programs and techniques for recovery that I think it would be somewhat foolish to insist that there is only one. I've found that parts of different recovery programs can be combined to make an effective, personal program.
Here are some parts of my recovery:
1) I have a large piece of paper tacked to the wall right over my bed with the AVRT 'Big Plan' (google it), which states that I will NEVER drink or use drugs again and I will NEVER change my mind.
2) Below that on the wall is another large piece of paper with HALT (this is from AA, I think): it means don't get too Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired. Next to each one I have a list of things that I can do if I find myself feeling any of those (I replaced angry with emotional in general, however). I also have a small index card taped to my desk with HALT on it as well.
3) I took the time to make a list of the Positives vs. negatives of quitting. It was very important to me to focus on the POSTIVES of quitting rather than the NEGATIVES of using/drinking. I probably don't have to tell you that the postive side stretches across 3 pages so far and I think I have 2 or 3 (VERY WEAK) negatives of quitting. Looking at this is very powerful.
4) Another thing I had to come to terms with is that I CANNOT drink or use drugs again. Ever. Period. It's never, ever, ever 'just one.' I can't drink socially. I had to come to terms with forfeiting my right to chemical relief, which is something that even non addicted people turn to on a regular basis.
5) TELL PEOPLE!! This was a big part of my plan as well. I've informed people close to me in my life (girlfriend, parents, siblings, etc) that i've quit and am never going back. Suffice to say they knew I had a problem so they have only given me unconditional support and praise.

There is much more: a healthy diet, exercising regularly, finding meaningful things to do, not isolating, etc...but it all started with the firm decision to not drink or use. Ever. Period.

Is life going to be tough and will there be ups and downs? Of course!! That's life. But I also know that drinking will NEVER EVER EVER make anything better.

I was a terrible alcoholic, and there are people on these boards who were far worse than me but made it. You can too. If there's one thing I KNOW, it's that you can do it.

Skye2

Hi Victoria - I don't know how old your kids are, but how about using the time they're not with you, to make surprises for when they return? You could use the alcohol money to buy tickets to somewhere or decorate their room etc. How about a small pet to take care of for them?
Xx

Victoria74

Skye2, that´s a great idea, to make plans and surprises. Pets are impossible due to me travelling a lot with my job when the kids are not here. Image101, thanks for the tips, I see no negatives with quitting drinking, the only thing is that I am afraid I will spend every single day thinking about and caving alcohol, not a pleasant thought.

mecanix

I call that part of my brain the one that has these idiotic thoughts , "my crazy old alike brain " …you as a person and you inside your head are bigger than those thoughts and you can choose to ignore them .

I didn't have kids but i can understand how life quickly goes out of control after just one sip of one alcoholic drink , roll the dice , sometimes it might be ok , other times very bad , no way of knowing until it's too late …

I had to give up picking up the first drink firstly but there was a second part of recovery which is hard work, where i had to learn how to deal with life sober , it's ups and it's downs without seeing alcohol as a choice to take the pain away .. (alcohol stopped working somewhere along the way and i was just running into a brick wall all the time )

You can do it , try to add stuff , if what i was doing wasn't working i'd kick AA doors down to get in , read every book , learn everything i could , chain myself up , lock myself up , anything …

You can do this

Bestwishes, m

bigsombrero

What if someone said "I'm down to shooting heroin just once per week", or "I only do coke on weekends now". Would you give them a Blue Ribbon and a cookie and a pat on the back? Or would you think....geeez, that person doesn't get it!

We care about people here, and in the case of recovery, that means total abstinence. Your reasoning for your drinking (it helps you "not focus" on drinking) is a classic alcoholic statement. So you drink...because it helps you not crave drinks? Do you also drink water because it keeps you from being thirsty?

Water is essential to life...is alcohol? In your case, your alcoholic mind is telling you that it is. Until you kick the drink completely - in my opinion - you are still firmly in the grips of alcohol, and denial. This is not healthy. And we want you to be healthy! You have to do this for yourself, not as an obligation to your kids or family. For you. When do you think you'll be ready to truly do something good for yourself? I hope it's soon....good luck!

Victoria74

I really know I have to quit, I think I have come past the denial stage, yesterday was a real eyeopener. I know once a week is too much, the aim still is to quit completely. I was fooling myself thinking once a week is not too bad, for me it is as it always ends in misery.

KateL

You have to put it behind you and forgive yourself. The guilt I felt about my children held me back for a long time and made me drink more. They have forgiven and to carry on drinking through guilt will only create more guilt in the future. You can do it xxxx

misspond

Hi Victoria74 - I too used to get drunk when my children were with me. Mostly when they were in bed which in itself wasn't a great idea but it would only occur to me when I woke up hung-over the next day that had there been a problem in the night I would not have been able to deal with it.

I recall one day last summer when I began drinking wine whilst they were still up and how confused they looked when I sent them to bed very very early because I had at least realised that I was too drunk to stay out of bed myself and so obviously they needed to go to bed too. Not one of my finest moments in a catalogue of errors.

There are still days when I find myself thinking, "I could just pop out and buy a bottle...." but I don't. Because I know from all of that previous experience that it will end badly.

Letting go was the key for me. I let go completely of the idea that I was being deprived of something good when I didn't drink. It took a little doing but once I embraced the idea that I was refusing poison and destruction it became a breeze.

You can do this, just keep trying different ways until you find the one that fits for you.

Skye2

Friday was always my 'day' for drinking (or should I say starting to, as it continued through the weekend in the end). Once I got over the first couple of Fridays without, it broke the cycle and became normal, not to drink

IOAA2

AA is not a favorite way to sober up because, I think, several reasons.

1 Ignorance of what's involved and fear of the unknown.

2 It asks us to do things that many are not used to. Like getting honest with our self about our drinking, talking about it among other alcoholics instead of a long wire, making a list of our characteristics that trigger our drinking.

3 Overall it is NOT a religious fellowship and most don't care if we attend church or not. The higher power reference is used to help us realize it's not us, with so many strong ego issues.

4 Most of the suggestions on these forums have been the backbone of AA since it started about 78 years ago and works IF we work them. Its helped millions to get and STAY sober over the years.

At this point in my life it's difficult to understand how it works on these forums with so little personal contact. It's been said many times at meetings about people arriving at their first meeting a feeling of arriving home with the vibes they sense in the air.
I'm not saying life gets easy but it sure gets better after we work at it and don't pick up that first drink.

BE WELL

Skye2

IOAA2 - I understand what you're saying, but I think different things work for different people. In my own case, AA is like being on a diet and going to a slimming club - hearing them going on and on about food would make me more likely to think about it, whereas normally it's not on my mind all the time.

I found the same with AA. Listening to people talking about alcohol for an hour or so, brought it back into my head non-stop.

Xx

Johnston

If you stop drinking you'll likely become a better parent. Many of us have been in your shoes.

JaylaaKent

Great advice above. I too put my kids through a lot of drama and unnecessary turmoil. Most kids do OK and grow up, forgive, and move on. Most people blame their parents (especially mom) for everything wrong in their life - whether their parents were addicts or not. I've seen this first hand in some of my friends. So whether or not your children forgive and move on - is up to each one individually. I CAN tell you that quitting drinking and become a person your children can run TO and not run FROM will definitely help. If you are drinking (even just once a week) this isn't going to happen. "Don't go to mom's on the weekend - she's really on a bender" - also, just weekends, easily turns into weekdays, everyday, every morning.... you get the hint. At this point in my life - I just don't see anything positive about alcohol. It does more harm to society than good. Just my opinion.

Victoria74

My kids are 8 and 10, they do realize when I am drunk that something is not ok, but I am not sure if they realize that it is the alcohol causing it. I have to stop before it is too late, if they get a sober mum from now on, maybe that will make up for the mistakes I have made so far and they might not hate me totally.

bigsombrero

I don't think AA is the solution, all the time, for everyone.

In Victoria's case, I think AA would certainly help - at least one meeting. There's a "shock value" that Victoria74 might benefit from. We lie to everyone around us, and more importantly ourselves, and releasing that burden to a group can be a big step forward.

It's important to note that the feelings about AA in Northern Europe are likely much different than in Massachusetts. Everyone's situation is somewhat determined by their current location and culture.

What ever helps you stop, completely, Victoria, we support you. It's important to make this a priority though, I think.

IOAA2

Yes I understand. I was trying to point out some facts and I overlooked that even with its record only about <50% make it to long term sobriety. Myself and most of my friends have 30 thru 45 years and are "conditioned" to what works for us. All I'm saying is it works and there are many seats available.

BE WELL