Snaggle

I dont even know how I made it into work this morning. Still trashed from 2 1/2 bottles of wine from last night. Thought I was being so clever, hiding it from husband but he caught me last night - apparently I fell over, dont remember - although he thinks I only had one bottle of wine. He is sympathetic because my mum hasn't been well since July and it has been stressing me out. But that wasn't why I drank.

I read posts here every day and see people who have drank heavily start to count their sober days and think why can't I do that?

I have pains in my back and sides and presume it is my kidneys/liver protesting. I am averaging at least a bottle of wine per night. I can't do this anymore.

I would like to check out of life for at least a week - I can't see the point in anything anymore. Life is just too much hard work. I had to take several weeks off with my mum when she wasn't well so can't take anymore time off work at the minute.

I don't feel strong enough to stop drinking - I feel like it has such a hold on me that I can't say no anymore.

I don't even know if I am being coherent but I am just saying how I feel at the minute. I just want to go home, close the door, and see nobody.

I feel so ashamed. I joined SR in March and so many of my fellow Marchers are doing so well - I read their posts every day - I feel such a failure.

Ok enough of self pity.

Skye2

Hey, you're posting and still with us, so that's a good thing
Sorry to hear about your mum, it must be awful for you but a lot easier to cope with without being hungover yeah? You'll get there, I have a feeling

Lots of water today!!

Snaggle

Thanks Skye. Drinking loads of water. Thought I could handle this - every time I think of quitting I panic. But this is not worth it.......

ImperfectlyMe

Hey snaggle chin up. You were completely coherent, in fact I could feel everyone of you pain filled words. I was a wine warrior myself who couldn't comprehend why or how I should ever stop! But I did, and I'm well, and you can too! Start today no matter whst don't drink today!!! Stay close to SR we are here to support you!!!

Snaggle

Thanks Imperfectlyme. I can't/won't drink today. I think it would put me over the edge totally if I did. Husband and I are going to have a 'talk' tonight. I dread those talks.

anchorbird

It took me almost a year of posting here until I finally "got it". You CAN quit drinking. You will feel SO MUCH better about yourself and your life if you do.

ImperfectlyMe

Ok my husband and I would have those talks often before I sobered up!!! If I may give you some advise because I was never hearing him!

Let him speak without taking it as a personal attack. Try as hard as you can to not put up the walls of denial or defense! It's hard to hear sometimes. If you break down that's ok. There's only up from here.

My husband often pointed out my drinking which further set me in retreat mode. It wasn't until I couldn't deny it anymore that I heard his words were not an attack but a cry for my surrender! Although he angers me to no end, I must give credit where it's due. And his concerns set sail to this amazing life I'm now living!

Don't dread this talk get excited.... You're about to finally feel true happiness. If you ever need a friend I'm there. Another poster pointed out to me the other day how fortunate I was to have someone holding me responsible and accountable, you have this as well!

Snaggle

Thankfully he's not angry with me - just worried. We have had this talk many times before. I really want to be free of this addiction. When I imagine a life without alcohol I feel free. So why can't I do it?

Dee74

you did pretty well when you where posting daily - why not try that again for a start Snaggle - join Novembers group?

it might give you the running start you need, and if you decide you need more support after that, there's tons of ideas here.

nothing is beyond you - your addiction is telling you its hopeless but it's not.
It will require some changes, but you can turn things around, I know it

D

Snaggle

Dee - that's it exactly - I feel totally hopeless - feel like I have no power to fight this. I don't have the energy. How do you pick yourself up and get the energy to fight this?

I will start by joining the November group - unfortunately I feel like I will fail before I start.

I want to be one of those people who post that their life is so much better without alcohol. I see those posts all the time here but never feel that I can do it.

Sorry for being so negative, but I am just being honest. If this is what drink does, then why can't I stop??

Dee74

Drink broke me. It filled me with self doubt and self loathing and so much fear about how massive a job recovery would be that the only thing I could do was drink more.

Take back the reins. Kick out the BS self talk.

The only thing to do against that crippling self doubt and fear of failure is action - act like a winner, Snags

give it 100% of whatever you have to give....put the time in here, use the support to stay sober a day, then two, then a week...

your AV will hate it and fight you every inch of the way, but you'll feel your perspective start to turn soon enough.

the alternative is more of the same...only worse. The longer you let yourself believe that you're hopeless and impotent, the harder it will be to challenge that.

you're not hopeless and you can turn this around - if you don't quite believe that yet have faith in your friends here who do

D

Snaggle

Thanks Dee. Its hard to gather my self together to fight this - but the alternative is more of the same and its not worth it. I don't want this anymore.

wiscsober

It was at my weakest moment that I stopped drinking. There was nothing I could do anymore. I found the strength in recovery programs and recovery people. Without their support I would still be drunk, locked up or dead.

It doesn't take strength...it takes giving up.

melody196365

just stop hun be good to yourself. I struggled for years trying to stop but then I just stopped. I can still look at a drink and know exactly what it will taste like and I know if I pick it up I will start again ..for me the trick was not doing that... and walking away from that thought. I can do it and you can do it too...believe in you.. believe you can be alcohol free and never pick up that drink, just never pick it up.

azureseas

most of us have walked in your shoes, I certainly have, you are heading in the right direction by posting here. I also favoured wine so no exactly the feeling you are describing
sending you a big hug

Hawkeye13

Hi Snags;
I had the same feeling you did. I could never deal with it or quit. My mother also was ill and I was the only caregiver. Besides ill from smoking, she was also an alcoholic and acting out almost until the end.

There were days I was so upset I would sitting in the shower crying with a triple martini while the hospital called saying she was acting crazy and wanted to check herself out and go home. I drank so much to deal with stress that I ended up a full-blown alcoholic myself. I might have got there anyway, but the caregiving really sped it up.

You need to look at what you can do to protect yourself in that situation. Either other siblings or the welfare services may need to support you more. You just can't do everything.

I send you lots of hugs and encouragement. I did quit in the end and I got help with my mother too. Both were what had to be in place for me to have time to focus on my needs as well as hers. I know it's your Mum, but you can't keep damaging yourself or your marriage looking after her without any respite.

ZeldaFan

I can't even count how many times I wanted to quit but couldn't find the strength to do it. It took me years of thinking "I know I need to quit but I just can't bring myself to stop" before I just couldn't take who I had become and decided I had to quit.

For me, I looked at it as a non-negotiable. Once I got into that mindset, I was better equipped to do things right this time around. I was drinking almost a fifth of vodka a night at the height of my drinking and I gave it up. It was most definitely not easy (and continues to be a daily struggle to stay vigilant) but it can be done. You can do this!

PurpleKnight

It all starts with a Day 1, whether people have been sober only 1 week or 10 years!! . . . it's almost a leap of faith to try it out and see where the rabbit hole leads!!