Crushing on another AA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 13
Crushing on another AA
Hey everyone,
I'm new in the program--about 2.5 months sober. I am having a pretty hardcore crush on one of the men in the program and it's very distracting. I get really nervous around him at the meetings and at night I can't sleep. The feelings were there when I met him, but only intensified over the last couple of weeks. We've exchanged a couple of longer-than-normal supportive hugs and glances, which have left me wanting and curious. I love the meetings I go to, so even though he's there everyday I really don't want to go to different meetings. He has 2 years sober, but recently ended a relationship and seems quite heartbroken. My slight co-dependent nature totally wants to coddle the little bird with a broken wing, so I'm aware that's not the best situation to put myself in. I realize the last thing I need is to distract myself from the stuff I need to work on by obsessing over another--and the last thing this kind, broken hearted man needs is for some unstable newcomer to be crushing on him. I really don't know the guy aside for the meetings. We could have nothing in common. I just feel such chemistry (I know, probably because I'm actually feeling) and want to find out if there is really anything there or if I'm totally making this up in my head. I feel like if I had a couple of conversations with him, maybe I could diffuse this whole thing. He seems deep, caring, super funny, in touch with his emotions and very much a gentleman. I sincerely want to find out how he's doing and maybe at some point down the line, get some coffee with him just so I can see if my ideas about this person are real or imaginary. Am I just a normal nutty newcomer? Everyday I avoid eye contact my crush grows stronger. Hard to tell if it's intuition pushing me to approach him or just the difficulty of saying no to desire. Any thoughts?
I'm new in the program--about 2.5 months sober. I am having a pretty hardcore crush on one of the men in the program and it's very distracting. I get really nervous around him at the meetings and at night I can't sleep. The feelings were there when I met him, but only intensified over the last couple of weeks. We've exchanged a couple of longer-than-normal supportive hugs and glances, which have left me wanting and curious. I love the meetings I go to, so even though he's there everyday I really don't want to go to different meetings. He has 2 years sober, but recently ended a relationship and seems quite heartbroken. My slight co-dependent nature totally wants to coddle the little bird with a broken wing, so I'm aware that's not the best situation to put myself in. I realize the last thing I need is to distract myself from the stuff I need to work on by obsessing over another--and the last thing this kind, broken hearted man needs is for some unstable newcomer to be crushing on him. I really don't know the guy aside for the meetings. We could have nothing in common. I just feel such chemistry (I know, probably because I'm actually feeling) and want to find out if there is really anything there or if I'm totally making this up in my head. I feel like if I had a couple of conversations with him, maybe I could diffuse this whole thing. He seems deep, caring, super funny, in touch with his emotions and very much a gentleman. I sincerely want to find out how he's doing and maybe at some point down the line, get some coffee with him just so I can see if my ideas about this person are real or imaginary. Am I just a normal nutty newcomer? Everyday I avoid eye contact my crush grows stronger. Hard to tell if it's intuition pushing me to approach him or just the difficulty of saying no to desire. Any thoughts?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Welcome 
This will probably not what you want to hear but...stop. breathe. Think about this.
I think it's wise to wait.
At 2.5 months, you're still working out who sober you is.
I reckon now is not the time to introduce a significant other into the mix - sounds like he has his own issues right now too?
If you have a sponsor, talk to them.
Why not go to different meetings for a while - womens meetings might be the best?
I may be wrong, but ti sounds like there's a lot of fantasy and imagination here but not much of the tangible stuff, you know?
I recognise it cos I used to do this ALL the time.
Focus on yourself for now.
If, in a few months, these feelings are still there, you're be better equipped to work out what they mean, I think?
D
This will probably not what you want to hear but...stop. breathe. Think about this.
I think it's wise to wait.
At 2.5 months, you're still working out who sober you is.
I reckon now is not the time to introduce a significant other into the mix - sounds like he has his own issues right now too?
If you have a sponsor, talk to them.
Why not go to different meetings for a while - womens meetings might be the best?
I may be wrong, but ti sounds like there's a lot of fantasy and imagination here but not much of the tangible stuff, you know?
I recognise it cos I used to do this ALL the time.
Focus on yourself for now.
If, in a few months, these feelings are still there, you're be better equipped to work out what they mean, I think?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 13
Thanks Dee for your advice. I'm not ready for a significant other and I realize that a lot of this is my mind making mountains out of little mole hills. I truly do want the chance to get to know him, person to person. However, it may be best to take heed and wait because I guess the obsession and/or fantasy is probably not the healthiest…I just don't want to keep building this person up in my mind without getting to know him at all. I feel like we'd really get along, but again, how the heck can I know? As I'm writing this I realize this whole situation is probably just a reflection of my thinking problem….
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
You said something really significant here:
I'd think about that. If you're anything like me you'll do anything to avoid dealing with your problems, up to and including creating new ones 
Not saying that this situation is necessarily a problem, but if you're using it to escape that's no bueno.
Originally Posted by BombusQueen 
I realize the last thing I need is to distract myself from the stuff I need to work on by obsessing over another
Not saying that this situation is necessarily a problem, but if you're using it to escape that's no bueno.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
If someone with two years of sobriety in AA allows himself to become romantically involved with you after only two-and-a-half months, that's a radioactive red flag.
Of course, you and he will do what you'll do.
Of course, you and he will do what you'll do.
That's what the little angel on my shoulder keeps telling me! I think the part that wants immediately is only fear: the opposite of love. So yes, thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
When I hit three months sober I had the same issue. I was lonely. Meetings and work, meetings and work, I wanted something more.
I called a person from my past that I knew was sober. We hooked up and started a FWB relationship but I obsessed. My thoughts were of him, when we would see each other again, would he call this weekend, what if he calls and I am at a meeting?, does he really like me...on and on. It was a distraction that I did not need nor I could I afford.
Eventually I came to my senses and realized this was not the type of relationship I wanted nor deserved. To get what I feel I really wanted to have, I needed to work on me and that takes time.
It in the end it was a just a blip on my recovery screen. I was lucky he was not in the program as that would be awkward to see him at meetings. It may have kept me away when what I needed more than anything was to be in the rooms.
I say to myself a lot these days when my patience grows thin, if it is meant to be, it will be. I hand it over to my HP to handle so I can continue on my course.
I called a person from my past that I knew was sober. We hooked up and started a FWB relationship but I obsessed. My thoughts were of him, when we would see each other again, would he call this weekend, what if he calls and I am at a meeting?, does he really like me...on and on. It was a distraction that I did not need nor I could I afford.
Eventually I came to my senses and realized this was not the type of relationship I wanted nor deserved. To get what I feel I really wanted to have, I needed to work on me and that takes time.
It in the end it was a just a blip on my recovery screen. I was lucky he was not in the program as that would be awkward to see him at meetings. It may have kept me away when what I needed more than anything was to be in the rooms.
I say to myself a lot these days when my patience grows thin, if it is meant to be, it will be. I hand it over to my HP to handle so I can continue on my course.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 370
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
If someone with two years of sobriety in AA allows himself to become romantically involved with you after only two-and-a-half months, that's a radioactive red flag.
Of course, you and he will do what you'll do.
Of course, you and he will do what you'll do.
Originally Posted by Carlotta
if there is truly something, it will still be there in ten months when you are more grounded and he is not on the rebound, right?
I bet if you found a new group it wouldn't take long before you found another love interest to be crushing on. Point being, I suspect your feelings for him has more to do with the need to fill a void than him being "the one".
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
I can honestly say, I never had a crush on any AA member and some were quite hot. I suppose there was too much going on. Plus I didn't want to get involved with an alky. It took me a while to realise that I WAS one myself
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I met this guy in AA 2.5 years ago and felt that same crush feeling.... Crush or not, I wasn't really interested in dating someone in the fellowship. Been there, done that, ended up drinking again.....
My sponsor suggested that the only relationship I needed the first year was one with my higher power. I followed this suggestion.
This past summer, I started talking to him more when I saw him. Again, not really seeking a relationship, especially not with another AA....
We did exchange phone numbers....
We started dating in September. I am so very glad I waited! The emotional roller coaster a relationship brings is intense. I don't know if I could have handled this at 2 months sober. Not only that, I was pretty "broken" back then.
We're taking things slowly and all seems okay today.
There's a lot more to my story than I am writing, but seriously, try to stay stopped before venturing forward with a relationship. If you are like me, I've gotten drunk when relationships have failed me in the past, I wasn't willing to start drinking again at this point in my life. He's my age with 7 years of sobriety and is still rebuilding his life (I am also still rebuilding my life). I'm 52 with 2.5 years of sobriety as of tomorrow. There IS hope!
I wish you well!
My sponsor suggested that the only relationship I needed the first year was one with my higher power. I followed this suggestion.
This past summer, I started talking to him more when I saw him. Again, not really seeking a relationship, especially not with another AA....
We did exchange phone numbers....
We started dating in September. I am so very glad I waited! The emotional roller coaster a relationship brings is intense. I don't know if I could have handled this at 2 months sober. Not only that, I was pretty "broken" back then.
We're taking things slowly and all seems okay today.
There's a lot more to my story than I am writing, but seriously, try to stay stopped before venturing forward with a relationship. If you are like me, I've gotten drunk when relationships have failed me in the past, I wasn't willing to start drinking again at this point in my life. He's my age with 7 years of sobriety and is still rebuilding his life (I am also still rebuilding my life). I'm 52 with 2.5 years of sobriety as of tomorrow. There IS hope!
I wish you well!
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
If someone with two years of sobriety in AA allows himself to become romantically involved with you after only two-and-a-half months, that's a radioactive red flag.
Of course, you and he will do what you'll do.
Of course, you and he will do what you'll do.
Last thing I was interested in when I quit drinking was taking on someone elses baggage along with my own.
And us alcoholics aren't know for our patience either. It's all about instant gratification. At least for me it is.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by BombusQueen
I am having a pretty hardcore crush on one of the men in the program and it's very distracting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by BombusQueen
I'm new in the program--about 2.5 months sober.
I am having a pretty hardcore crush on one of the men in the program
Any thoughts?
most of these early sobriety crushes don't make for a long term relationship
even knowing that
as with the moth -- drawn to the flame
MM
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I know when I went to AA it was very strict,women stick with the women.This is the reason why.We're so very vulnerable in early sobriety.
tbh I think a man in AA even hugging a new female member is going too far-it could give out the wrong signal,especially when we are so vulnerable. Not everyone has the same motives-some people do prey on the vulnerable. Simple things can be misconstrued,especially to the alcoholic
Even pretending it's just friendship-be honest, you fancy him and probably want more than friendship.
Maybe stick closer to the women,or even attend another meeting.
tbh I think a man in AA even hugging a new female member is going too far-it could give out the wrong signal,especially when we are so vulnerable. Not everyone has the same motives-some people do prey on the vulnerable. Simple things can be misconstrued,especially to the alcoholic
Even pretending it's just friendship-be honest, you fancy him and probably want more than friendship.
Maybe stick closer to the women,or even attend another meeting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
I found that when I was in AA/NA in past attempts at getting clean and sober that I was lusting over this one guy even though I was married.
I personally believe it is our addiction manifesting itself in another form. It was a rush seeing him at meetings, kinda like a high just like drugs. The adrenaline starts pumping, you get a little sexually excited etc.
He had 3 years sober at that time and I would watch him and I noticed that he had this unbelieveble integrity, that even though he was so attractive, he did not go up and hug new ladies or girls in recovery.
Later he had mentioned He didn't see how that was a benefit to his recovery or theirs.
He was seeking help from those with experience, strength and hope. There was no point in him hugging a new girl. He could easily welcome her with a simple hello or welcome.
He feels very strongly about other men doing the same. He cares about new people in recovery. He knows how vulnerable women are in early recovery and he doesn't want to jeopardize that.
When I heard him speak these words at a meeting, something just clicked in me and I knew he was right.
I never looked at him the same again. Now I look at him with great respect and he is a friend who I see at a meeting every week. I have seen attractive men come into the rooms since then but because of him, I also strive to have that kind of integrity so I as a woman do not run up and hug them.
I do see him hug ladies who have been around awhile and who have a solid foundation in recovery and he even hugs me now and I even am pretty sure that he saw this transition in me. Cuz I used to be all giddy when I met him, I am sure he knew I had a crush on him.
One day I hope to tell him how his appropriate behavior totally turned me around. I am sure it will be a funny conversation.
I personally believe it is our addiction manifesting itself in another form. It was a rush seeing him at meetings, kinda like a high just like drugs. The adrenaline starts pumping, you get a little sexually excited etc.
He had 3 years sober at that time and I would watch him and I noticed that he had this unbelieveble integrity, that even though he was so attractive, he did not go up and hug new ladies or girls in recovery.
Later he had mentioned He didn't see how that was a benefit to his recovery or theirs.
He was seeking help from those with experience, strength and hope. There was no point in him hugging a new girl. He could easily welcome her with a simple hello or welcome.
He feels very strongly about other men doing the same. He cares about new people in recovery. He knows how vulnerable women are in early recovery and he doesn't want to jeopardize that.
When I heard him speak these words at a meeting, something just clicked in me and I knew he was right.
I never looked at him the same again. Now I look at him with great respect and he is a friend who I see at a meeting every week. I have seen attractive men come into the rooms since then but because of him, I also strive to have that kind of integrity so I as a woman do not run up and hug them.
I do see him hug ladies who have been around awhile and who have a solid foundation in recovery and he even hugs me now and I even am pretty sure that he saw this transition in me. Cuz I used to be all giddy when I met him, I am sure he knew I had a crush on him.
One day I hope to tell him how his appropriate behavior totally turned me around. I am sure it will be a funny conversation.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
what to watch out for
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
I know when I went to AA it was very strict,women stick with the women.
This is the reason why.We're so very vulnerable in early sobriety.
I think a man in AA even hugging a new female member is going too far-it could give out the wrong signal,especially when we are so vulnerable.
Maybe stick closer to the women
some good strong healthy points made
helps us to concentrate on sobriety
by strictly sticking with our same gender (especially in early stages)
today - One Day At A Time - we need not complicate this thing
what to watch out for - self deception
MM
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
When I got into NA I had an insane knee knocking crush on this one guy. I had followed up on crushes (outside the program) before, and not to good outcomes because my brain on a crush is worse than no brain at all.
I sat in places where I could not make eye contact with him. Did not hug him at the end of meetings. It's real simple to just hug one or two of the women and start a conversation, or start putting up chairs etc and it not be an issue to not hug someone. Out of meetings when I started thinking about him, I'd turn to my literature and get busy seeing how it applied to my life. I had to make an effort to not put energy in that direction..
And in time I realized that I use crushes/relationships etc as a 'high', and as a distraction to the more mundane issues in life. It was so much more fun to think about that man than it was to deal with the issues in my life.
In time, not being fed, it subsided and became a non issue. I was involved in my program, and made friends and was glad I hadn't "gone there" not even in my head, because I have no reason to think this man had any interest at all. A few months in the program and it was clear to me that most of the drama in the rooms was due to romance/sexual relationships...oh dear. Women fighting over getting the attention of men. People thinking that their spouse was cheating or that other people in the rooms were flirting with their partner, illicit affairs, divorces, 13th stepping.
I had to remind myself that I was in the program to focus on recovery.
I sat in places where I could not make eye contact with him. Did not hug him at the end of meetings. It's real simple to just hug one or two of the women and start a conversation, or start putting up chairs etc and it not be an issue to not hug someone. Out of meetings when I started thinking about him, I'd turn to my literature and get busy seeing how it applied to my life. I had to make an effort to not put energy in that direction..
And in time I realized that I use crushes/relationships etc as a 'high', and as a distraction to the more mundane issues in life. It was so much more fun to think about that man than it was to deal with the issues in my life.
In time, not being fed, it subsided and became a non issue. I was involved in my program, and made friends and was glad I hadn't "gone there" not even in my head, because I have no reason to think this man had any interest at all. A few months in the program and it was clear to me that most of the drama in the rooms was due to romance/sexual relationships...oh dear. Women fighting over getting the attention of men. People thinking that their spouse was cheating or that other people in the rooms were flirting with their partner, illicit affairs, divorces, 13th stepping.
I had to remind myself that I was in the program to focus on recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by Threshold
When I got into NA I had an insane knee knocking crush on this one guy. I had followed up on crushes (outside the program) before, and not to good outcomes because my brain on a crush is worse than no brain at all.
I sat in places where I could not make eye contact with him. Did not hug him at the end of meetings. It's real simple to just hug one or two of the women and start a conversation, or start putting up chairs etc and it not be an issue to not hug someone. Out of meetings when I started thinking about him, I'd turn to my literature and get busy seeing how it applied to my life. I had to make an effort to not put energy in that direction..
And in time I realized that I use crushes/relationships etc as a 'high', and as a distraction to the more mundane issues in life. It was so much more fun to think about that man than it was to deal with the issues in my life.
In time, not being fed, it subsided and became a non issue. I was involved in my program, and made friends and was glad I hadn't "gone there" not even in my head, because I have no reason to think this man had any interest at all. A few months in the program and it was clear to me that most of the drama in the rooms was due to romance/sexual relationships...oh dear. Women fighting over getting the attention of men. People thinking that their spouse was cheating or that other people in the rooms were flirting with their partner, illicit affairs, divorces, 13th stepping.
I had to remind myself that I was in the program to focus on recovery.
I sat in places where I could not make eye contact with him. Did not hug him at the end of meetings. It's real simple to just hug one or two of the women and start a conversation, or start putting up chairs etc and it not be an issue to not hug someone. Out of meetings when I started thinking about him, I'd turn to my literature and get busy seeing how it applied to my life. I had to make an effort to not put energy in that direction..
And in time I realized that I use crushes/relationships etc as a 'high', and as a distraction to the more mundane issues in life. It was so much more fun to think about that man than it was to deal with the issues in my life.
In time, not being fed, it subsided and became a non issue. I was involved in my program, and made friends and was glad I hadn't "gone there" not even in my head, because I have no reason to think this man had any interest at all. A few months in the program and it was clear to me that most of the drama in the rooms was due to romance/sexual relationships...oh dear. Women fighting over getting the attention of men. People thinking that their spouse was cheating or that other people in the rooms were flirting with their partner, illicit affairs, divorces, 13th stepping.
I had to remind myself that I was in the program to focus on recovery.
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