Is my fellow sober friend REALLY a FRIEND?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: san francisco, ca
Posts: 130
Is my fellow sober friend REALLY a FRIEND?
Good evening all !
I've been grappling with this situation and thought I'd finally get it off my mind and type it out sinceI have been going back and forth quite a bit..
SO, a friend of mine has a friend who is newly sober and got her in touch with me several months ago (during a previous sober run) so that we could support one another, etc..
She is a therapist and had just gotten a DUI. If she gets another she will lose her license. She was adamant about going at least one year without drinking. I never agreed with this, but it's her journey after all and I'm not her sponsor.
Long and short of it is that she relapsed last weekend and told me she's not 'as bad as most of the people in the rooms' and declared she's not an alcoholic because she can take sips of her friends drinks etc. Last text I received from her was about how 'yummy yummy' a chocolate martini was that she tried. She then said "well, I don't have the same thing happen when I drink as YOU do". Meanwhile, I've never been in trouble with the law, no DUI, etc..
She's also RACING through the steps and had no one to even mention on step 4?!?!?!? She's on Step 8 and only was sober for 2.5 months before she relapsed. Said she wanted to finish to tell her clients she did them.
I feel she is making a mockery of recovery (and especially the program of AA) and has zero sensitivity for me and my journey. I feel that because she has to start counting days again (which she was PISSED about BTW) that now she wants me to relapse so she can be ahead of me. She does believe she is smarter and better than 99% of humans. She has quite the messiah complex in my opinion.
I'd love some advice on how to handle she since she is not really a friend but was just brought into my life very recently…I need to be diplomatic about my response to her but firm. I don't want to build resentment or blow up at her when it gets to be too much but I certainly don't need this in my life during this vulnerable time either…
Any suggestions??
Thank you!
Shay
I've been grappling with this situation and thought I'd finally get it off my mind and type it out sinceI have been going back and forth quite a bit..
SO, a friend of mine has a friend who is newly sober and got her in touch with me several months ago (during a previous sober run) so that we could support one another, etc..
She is a therapist and had just gotten a DUI. If she gets another she will lose her license. She was adamant about going at least one year without drinking. I never agreed with this, but it's her journey after all and I'm not her sponsor.
Long and short of it is that she relapsed last weekend and told me she's not 'as bad as most of the people in the rooms' and declared she's not an alcoholic because she can take sips of her friends drinks etc. Last text I received from her was about how 'yummy yummy' a chocolate martini was that she tried. She then said "well, I don't have the same thing happen when I drink as YOU do". Meanwhile, I've never been in trouble with the law, no DUI, etc..
She's also RACING through the steps and had no one to even mention on step 4?!?!?!? She's on Step 8 and only was sober for 2.5 months before she relapsed. Said she wanted to finish to tell her clients she did them.
I feel she is making a mockery of recovery (and especially the program of AA) and has zero sensitivity for me and my journey. I feel that because she has to start counting days again (which she was PISSED about BTW) that now she wants me to relapse so she can be ahead of me. She does believe she is smarter and better than 99% of humans. She has quite the messiah complex in my opinion.
I'd love some advice on how to handle she since she is not really a friend but was just brought into my life very recently…I need to be diplomatic about my response to her but firm. I don't want to build resentment or blow up at her when it gets to be too much but I certainly don't need this in my life during this vulnerable time either…
Any suggestions??
Thank you!
Shay
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 47
That's her journey, and she is who she is. If she is an alcoholic then it sounds like she is in denial... Didn't we all fight sobriety in the beginning? I haven't met many people that were super ready and pumped to admit they were alcoholic. And some people need to fall further than others before they realise they truly have a problem.
I think treating her from a place of no judgement and well wishes is the best thing for you to do for yourself on your journey. Don't be pulled down by her comments and when she does say those sorts of things realise it is more about her than it is about you. She has to walk her own path, wherever that takes her
I think treating her from a place of no judgement and well wishes is the best thing for you to do for yourself on your journey. Don't be pulled down by her comments and when she does say those sorts of things realise it is more about her than it is about you. She has to walk her own path, wherever that takes her
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hey Shay ,
She sounds like an out of control alcoholic , who will desperately clutch on to anything to carry on denying she has a problem . It's not pretty and you don't owe anything to her .
If it were me i'd put up firm boundaries as her behaviour is what i'd class as unacceptable , sending texts about drinking to an alcoholic is a bit crass .
I'd back right off , not answer calls and if cornered by her or friends say i need to concentrate and work hard on my own recovery.
good luck with it , m
She sounds like an out of control alcoholic , who will desperately clutch on to anything to carry on denying she has a problem . It's not pretty and you don't owe anything to her .
If it were me i'd put up firm boundaries as her behaviour is what i'd class as unacceptable , sending texts about drinking to an alcoholic is a bit crass .
I'd back right off , not answer calls and if cornered by her or friends say i need to concentrate and work hard on my own recovery.
good luck with it , m
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: san francisco, ca
Posts: 130
True Mecanix! I think I'm in the phase where I am beginning to recognize certain behaviors in myself and others which are most unhealthy for
Continued growth and transformation in life.
My hardest issue is telling someone that their behavior bothers me. I never want to hurt someone's feelings. However, I know that to get stronger and HEAL, that i need to put my own needs ahead of my acquaintances!!
We never cease to learn how to love ourselves better. The better I am, the better I can help others in their time of need..
Continued growth and transformation in life.
My hardest issue is telling someone that their behavior bothers me. I never want to hurt someone's feelings. However, I know that to get stronger and HEAL, that i need to put my own needs ahead of my acquaintances!!
We never cease to learn how to love ourselves better. The better I am, the better I can help others in their time of need..
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by shay17 
However, I know that to get stronger and HEAL, that i need to put my own needs ahead of my acquaintances!!
As for this woman, she is in serious denial, but I can remember thinking when I started out that I wasn't like everyone else in the room either. I wasn't homeless, had a job, wasn't on drugs and blah blah blah.
I kind of thought of myself as a high class drunk really. But at the end of the day, I was like every Tom, Dick, Harry, Sally, Martha etc, that sat in those rooms. It just took me a while to realize that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 638
You don't have to be her walking cane. I think it is important first and foremost to focus on YOUR OWN recovery. That means avoiding people that put you down or make you feel bad, because that isn't conducive to recovery. It is that self-defence against addiction.
Might actually be a very smart person and really nice as well, but if you feel like her company or attention isn't working for your recovery, I'd just leave them out of my life, at least for some time duration.
Might actually be a very smart person and really nice as well, but if you feel like her company or attention isn't working for your recovery, I'd just leave them out of my life, at least for some time duration.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 42
i would personally back right off. its your sobriety at stake at the end of the day, which is the most single important thing.
she sounds like shes taunting you which does not sound like a friend at all.
congrats on 31 days sober!
she sounds like shes taunting you which does not sound like a friend at all.
congrats on 31 days sober!
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Get Mr Number. I call it my codie app. It is excellent for "No Contact"
You can set it up to hang up on her or send all her calls and texts to voice mail.
and the price is right: free
Mr. Number - Identify spammers and block calls & texts on your mobile phone
oh and yeah she is a sick alcoholic but she also should know better as a therapist and it's horrifying thinking of that nut taking care of other people's mental health problems. Calling you about yummy chocolate martini when you are fairly new to sobriety is inexcusable!
You can set it up to hang up on her or send all her calls and texts to voice mail.
and the price is right: free
Mr. Number - Identify spammers and block calls & texts on your mobile phone
oh and yeah she is a sick alcoholic but she also should know better as a therapist and it's horrifying thinking of that nut taking care of other people's mental health problems. Calling you about yummy chocolate martini when you are fairly new to sobriety is inexcusable!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 112
Combative me would ask her what I should think of a therapist that encourages a friend with a treatable mental health issue to voluntarily relapse into disease behavior, and whether she thinks I'd recommend said therapist to a struggling friend. :-)
Back away from this person. Speak with your sponsor about how you should handle the situation, but be clear that it's weighing heavily on you. My advice would be to simply say that you've appreciated her camaraderie during your early sobriety, but that you think it's best for you to go your separate ways as friends. Then, wish her good luck.
One thing I noticed is that you seemed very concerned with her recovery program (I realize the irony of my stating this about someone else's recovery program). Just be careful not to take the focus off of your own program and not to measure it against other peoples. Be the best you can be.
Lastly, you deserve to have friends in your life that honor your friendship and support your recovery. AA is chalked full of those types.
Best of luck!
Back away from this person. Speak with your sponsor about how you should handle the situation, but be clear that it's weighing heavily on you. My advice would be to simply say that you've appreciated her camaraderie during your early sobriety, but that you think it's best for you to go your separate ways as friends. Then, wish her good luck.
One thing I noticed is that you seemed very concerned with her recovery program (I realize the irony of my stating this about someone else's recovery program). Just be careful not to take the focus off of your own program and not to measure it against other peoples. Be the best you can be.
Lastly, you deserve to have friends in your life that honor your friendship and support your recovery. AA is chalked full of those types.
Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 304
Shay - you need people like that around like you need a throbbing headache. She sounds toxic and completely taken by her disease, which is sad and I have compassion for her, but she also sounds manipulative and mean, which is what makes me think "see ya!". I'd just walk away, if anyone says anything about it, tell them the truth. You are doing an amazing thing staying sober and taking care of yourself. This is very hard, what you are doing, and you don't need some emotionally complicated denial queen making it harder than it is. You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
hey shay, nice post. you have some good answers here.
i'm no aa expert, but I think racing through steps is pretty counterproductive to the process. and taking other people's inventory - either she yours or you hers- doesn't help anyone, especially you.
it seems one of the most helpful things in recovery is to find people who "have what you want." people who are living good lives and seem happy in sobriety. sounds like she isn't that person.
good luck and enjoy your sobriety!
i'm no aa expert, but I think racing through steps is pretty counterproductive to the process. and taking other people's inventory - either she yours or you hers- doesn't help anyone, especially you.
it seems one of the most helpful things in recovery is to find people who "have what you want." people who are living good lives and seem happy in sobriety. sounds like she isn't that person.
good luck and enjoy your sobriety!
Swashbuckler
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Nether-world (CA)
Posts: 205
Originally Posted by shay17
I feel that because she has to start counting days again (which she was PISSED about BTW) that now she wants me to relapse so she can be ahead of me. She does believe she is smarter and better than 99% of humans.
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