beancounter26

I am on day one, yet again. I am so tired of being sick, both mentally and physically. I am smart enough to know that alcohol is killing me, but stupid enough to keep taking that first glass of wine. I am 44 and have been drinking heavily for about 10 years, with the heaviest being in the last 5 years. I don't drink every day, (partly because I am too sick from the binge drinking on previous days), but when I do take that first glass of wine, I don't stop drinking until I pass out. I have already reconciled with myself that I don't drink because I like the taste, or to be social, or because I am a connoisseur...I drink solely to get drunk. If I have a glass of wine or two I am not content with the buzz from that; I become almost ravenous with the need to keep going. The longest I have gone is 11 days recently without a drink. I felt so amazing, even though my mind was a little foggy. To wake up sober is incredible. To have the whole day clearly in front of me is incredible. Yet, it is when I feel great that I tell myself "hey, you are doing great; you can afford one night of fun." Or I tell myself that I am not really an alcoholic and convince myself that I am missing out on the fun of drinking for no good reason. Then I wake up the next morning, feeling horrible, dizzy, sick, in pain, etc... It is that addict voice that I am struggling with. I don't know how to not listen to it. I could be doing something enjoyable like taking my daughter to her softball game, and the whole time in my mind I am wondering which restaurant is close to the field so I can get a glass of wine. The thought of never drinking again terrifies me. How do I go the rest of my life without drinking? Again, I know that is the addict voice in my head, but how do I conquer it? I recognize that this addiction is evil and only wants to hurt me, but I can't get past the initial first days of sobriety. I see people who are on 30 days, 90 days, years, etc... and I think they are superhuman. How do they get there? I want to be there so badly.

pinkdog

Hi beancounter, welcome. I think alot of people will tell you one day at a time. Best wishes.

ScottFromWI

You get there by wanting to be there and not picking up a drink more than you want to pick up a drink. It sounds simple, and the concept itself is. Some need more help than others to get past the first stages though. Have you tried AA or any other sobriety plan? Have you considered counseling or perhaps some type of rehab/detox?

There are lots of ways to "get there - SR itself is even a key tool for many. I wish you the best of luck in finding something that works for you.

soberclover

Scott is right. It really comes down to not picking up a drink.....no matter what. I have spent almost the last year working through some rough times of wanting to drink by keeping myself home and occupied. Generally the things I keep myself busy with don't have the WOW factor; cleaning, laundry, cooking, quilting, reading, watching movies, going for walks, swimming....but they keep me sober. The longer I stay sober the less of the WOW-factor I need in my life. My WOW-factor is waking up every morning sober. Don't pick up that first drink.

Venecia

In addition to excellent points from Pinkdog, Scott and Soberclover, I'd add this: don't ever -- and I mean ever -- view a drink as a reward for having made it so long. Or a treat. That may work in other realms -- someone trying to lose weight can still have an occasional piece of cake, for instance. And that's all right.

But it doesn't work that way for us. I've reminded myself during tough times that there is no reward for me in alcohol, but plenty of jeopardy. Alcohol has never done us a single favor.

beancounter26

Thank you everyone. The one time that I was able to go 11 days without drinking I did it by demonizing the glass of wine in a way. If I thought about drinking I wouldn't think of the "fun" of it, I would think of the bad taste, the fact that it is a poison, the fact that I knew that 1 glass meant 10 glasses, etc... I think I was very honest. I really had a good state of mind going and I blew it by going out to dinner with some friends. I had full intention of ordering a soda, but that voice came around telling me "I deserved a glass of wine." What I should have told myself was that I deserved to wake up feeling great and sober. That was 2 months ago. I have not tried AA, but have looked into where meetings are in my area. I have a hard time going to a room full of strangers and opening up like that. This thread on SR is the closest I have come to reaching out to others. I feel like this is a big step for me and I appreciate you all.

anyistoomuch

Hi Bean, I am on day 2. So I am there with you.

I am 42 and don't want to drink any more. I have tried everything to have wine in my life in some sort of form - only with friends, only on weekends, only one (yeah right), only after 7pm at night, but none of it worked. I ALWAYS wind up drinking every day, which for some is no big deal but for me and my health it is too much. I worry about what my life will be like without alcohol, but I've going to give it a shot.

Today will be hard because it is Friday and friends are coming over. I won't drink.

DoubleDragons

Beancounter, I am on Day 34 sober and I have done it through staying very connected to SR and doing tons of reading (books and on-line reading). Since demonizing wine seemed to help you, I recommend the book Kick The Drink by Jason Vale. It really appealed to my logical side of just how terrible alcohol really is, for just about anybody. It really shows how alcohol is every bit as much of a drug as heroin, crack, etc. with an equal and sometimes even worse downside physically, emotionally and spiritually. Most of us would never dream to do just a little bit of any of those drugs on a regular basis. Governments and rich liquor companies have made a tidy sum in duping people into believing that having a little bit of a poisonous, highly addictive drug on a regular basis is a "normal" thing. This author believes that drinking alcohol will soon go the way of "smoking" where it will almost be embarrassing to be a drinker, as many smokers feel today, whereas just a couple of decades ago, smoking was considered an acceptable normal part of society. Kind of like how stupid I feel driving around in my SUV, whereas just a few years ago I was quite proud of it. In short, the author's perspective really gave me food for thought and when my AV kicks in, I often think about points from this book.

least

Welcome to SR! Our own CarolD used to say you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. Then you'll be able to stay sober.

I stay sober (almost four years so far) with the help of this site and my addiction counselor. I wish you the best in your sober journey. You are not travelling alone - we are all here with you.

beancounter26

Thanks anyistoomuch. I have done some pretty ridiculous things trying to keep wine in my life as well. I buy the small boxes of wine which only have 3 servings (which is really equal to 1 glass for me) to keep myself from going overboard, but what always happens is I finish the box of wine, then get mad at myself for not stocking up, then I go and drink my husband's beer until I get obliterated...and I hate beer. I also told my husband to not allow me to order more than 2 glasses of wine at dinner, like my sobriety is under his control. I would pride myself on not being an alcoholic because I don't drink during the day at all, and I only start at 8pm...a true alcoholic drinks all day long, right? Ridiculous!! I lie to myself all of the time just to justify drinking. That is sick. I am aware at this point that I will either get sober or I will eventually die from this addiction. I feel I can do this, I just have to get past my self-defeating addiction voice that tells me I can drink normally. There is no normalcy to my drinking.

beancounter26

DoubleDragons thank you so much for your post. I will definitely check out that book. I have picked up Living Sober to try to relate to living life sober. I am a logical person as well, and I am so annoyed that I can be so easily duped by my own self into drinking poison, and actually going out of my way to drink poison. Crazy.

anyistoomuch

I'm rooting for you! You can do it. Of course you can. Get help if you need it because that means you are doing it. That's what I plan to do. I'm beyond being ashamed or hiding anything...sooo done with the shame that I can't control my drinking. Screw that - I am going to help myself get through this anyway I can, and I hope you do too. If I have to tell everyone I run into - "UGH - no wine for me because I can't stop once I start" then that's what I'll do.

Venecia

Hey Beancounter -- A lot of what you wrote was familiar to me. There was a time when I couldn't envision myself ever being able to make it. But here I am on Day 78.

What I neglected to say earlier is that I, too, am rooting for you! Like others have said, you can do it. SR is a great place to turn for support.

Hevyn

Welcome Beancounter. You found a great place - we all understand what you're going through.

I got my sober time because I kept going into my 50's - until I almost lost my life due to alcohol. I was too terrified to continue, even though I couldn't imagine living without it. (But why? It only brought me misery.) I'm glad you're taking a look at what it's doing to your life. You don't need it, it never helps us - in fact, it means to kill us. Glad you are here!

SoberForMySon

I was surprised to find I readily share at AA meetings. I feel safe there. But you can pass if you don't want to talk.

IOAA2

Hi Bean and congratulations with your insight. Honesty about our drinking is so important in battling this disease.

" I have not tried AA, but have looked into where meetings are in my area. I have a hard time going to a room full of strangers and opening up like that."

Your feelings are understandable. There is no requirement that you even give your first name or that your an alcoholic until and if you want to. Many just say "I'll listen" which is sufficient.

BE WELL

Dee74

Hi beancounter

I was an alcoholic for 20 years - an all day everyday drinker for the last five of those.
I'm nearing my 7th year sober now.

How I did it was to commit to being sober every morning for that day - that meant when I thought about drinking I called someone, or I posted here, or I used some techniques I'd learnt so that I didn't give in.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

I made changes to my life too.

My life was pretty much geared around drinking. That had to change. It meant I had to change the way I socialised, the way I relaxed and a few of my friends had to go too.

There were some big changes there but I really wanted to stay sober - I was prepared to do whatever it took.

If you're prepared to do that too, I don't see how you can lose

some days were rough, but I don't regret it - and there's a lot of support here.

D

zoey09

Hey Bean ,

I used to not be able to get past the 2 week mark. I'm up to 70 days, and like you I wanted it so badly but didn't see myself ever getting there. I knew it was ruining my life, but I still continued to get drink / use.

I was a also a binge drinker, and on the days I didn't drink I spent hating the life I was living.

I think what it boils down to is you have to fear what your life will be like if you continue down this path -- more then you fear giving up the drink for good.

And when I feel anxious about it all I just slow it down, take it one moment, one day at a time.

And keep visiting SR - living proof is on these boards that it can be done

Zebra1275

I resisted trying AA for a long time for a variety of reasons. When I finally got desperate enough to try it, I was surprised at how much it helped me. The biggest surprise was the fellowship of other people in the program, what a relief to find out I wasn't alone!

Prior to going to AA I tried to quit on my own using a variety of unsuccessful methods. How stupid was that?

Thing about it. I'm a drunk, trying to give advice to myself on how to stay sober!

MIRecovery

I found I was ready to quit was when the fear of change was less than the fear of staying the same. You will likely try AA when things get bad enough.

I have found AAers to be the nicest most welcoming non judgemental people that I've ever met. Many go to their first meeting and for the first time in their entire life feel like they belong.