Day One...Again
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 164
To echoe what others have said, I avoided AA for a good amount of time despite knowing I had a huge problem on my hands. I finally went when things got bad enough. All of my preconceived perceptions of AA were very quickly destroyed. At AA, I felt I could be honest for the first time in years.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
What are you scared of?
Hi beancounter,
It is Day 1 for me (again) as well. You mention being scared of never drinking again, I feel the same way.
It's amazing when you think about being scared of not having something again that has caused so many bad things in your life.
I think that people say take it one day at a time because the future can be scary. Just realize that the world is amazing with so much to offer, and you will have much more time to really ENJOY the world without alcohol.
Best of luck
or wait, none of us need luck just strength.
It is Day 1 for me (again) as well. You mention being scared of never drinking again, I feel the same way.
It's amazing when you think about being scared of not having something again that has caused so many bad things in your life.
I think that people say take it one day at a time because the future can be scary. Just realize that the world is amazing with so much to offer, and you will have much more time to really ENJOY the world without alcohol.
Best of luck
or wait, none of us need luck just strength.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
beancounter,
My pattern of drinking wine was identical to you. I didn't drink every day. It DID progress up to 2 or 3 times a week and, each time was a massive binge (2 or more bottles at a sitting). That ravenous craving for MORE after that first drink is, to me, the signal that I'm not, and never have been, a "normal" drinker.
Knowing that it's not the taste but the buzz, the drunk, the high, I'm craving makes it pretty clear that I've got a problem.
After a couple of bottles, that temporary high has the potential for a blackout and a guaranteed massive, soul-crushing hangover. I couldn't live that way any longer. My body was not processing the alcohol as in years past (I'm 44) and the cravings, the obsession, my tolerance grew. I didn't want to find out how much worse it could get b/c I was already on pretty shaky ground.
The idea of "never again" is a bit overwhelming (to me); hence, I think I'm more inclined to look at it for a day to day thing for now. I'm almost at a year sober, and, really, never thought I'd achieve it. However, it is possible. I used this website as my primary source of support. To come on and read stories/input before work helped me make it though the day many times. There were some days where it was really a get-through-this-craving-minutebyminute but it does pass.
I can say that the cravings to get wine-obliterated have lessened over the months. I can also say my depression/anxiety has lifted to a great degree (I'm off meds I've been on for years). My attitude toward life/work/love is more positive. Finally, I think I'm a stronger person for trying to tackle this problem. I have to keep reminding myself I was never a normal drinker and that my alcohol habits were destructive. It really is a toxic substance and more toxic for some than others.
I'm not "superhuman." It does take an effort. You have to plan ahead as to how you are going to handle situations, cravings, people, a bad day etc. It's not easy at first, but it's worth it.
Good luck to you.
My pattern of drinking wine was identical to you. I didn't drink every day. It DID progress up to 2 or 3 times a week and, each time was a massive binge (2 or more bottles at a sitting). That ravenous craving for MORE after that first drink is, to me, the signal that I'm not, and never have been, a "normal" drinker.
Knowing that it's not the taste but the buzz, the drunk, the high, I'm craving makes it pretty clear that I've got a problem.
After a couple of bottles, that temporary high has the potential for a blackout and a guaranteed massive, soul-crushing hangover. I couldn't live that way any longer. My body was not processing the alcohol as in years past (I'm 44) and the cravings, the obsession, my tolerance grew. I didn't want to find out how much worse it could get b/c I was already on pretty shaky ground.
The idea of "never again" is a bit overwhelming (to me); hence, I think I'm more inclined to look at it for a day to day thing for now. I'm almost at a year sober, and, really, never thought I'd achieve it. However, it is possible. I used this website as my primary source of support. To come on and read stories/input before work helped me make it though the day many times. There were some days where it was really a get-through-this-craving-minutebyminute but it does pass.
I can say that the cravings to get wine-obliterated have lessened over the months. I can also say my depression/anxiety has lifted to a great degree (I'm off meds I've been on for years). My attitude toward life/work/love is more positive. Finally, I think I'm a stronger person for trying to tackle this problem. I have to keep reminding myself I was never a normal drinker and that my alcohol habits were destructive. It really is a toxic substance and more toxic for some than others.
I'm not "superhuman." It does take an effort. You have to plan ahead as to how you are going to handle situations, cravings, people, a bad day etc. It's not easy at first, but it's worth it.
Good luck to you.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,164
Hi BC, you could have been writing my story there, I described my drinking as gluttony, sheer greed to swallow down everything until I couldn't force down another drop. Like you initially I went days without but in my last 18 months I drank every day, hiding bottles, replacing bottles, managing my alcoholism.
I got to the point where my self loathing was such I was at a precipice, I could either walk to safety or fall into oblivion and lose all I held dear. I reached out to SR and chose to take alcohol out of my life. I can drink any time I like, but I know if I do I will never stop. So I choose sobriety. Every day. Good luck
I got to the point where my self loathing was such I was at a precipice, I could either walk to safety or fall into oblivion and lose all I held dear. I reached out to SR and chose to take alcohol out of my life. I can drink any time I like, but I know if I do I will never stop. So I choose sobriety. Every day. Good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 64
Wow! Thanks so much for all of your kind words and advice. It comforting to know that people have the exact same problems that I do and can truly relate. I am now on day 2 and its a weekend so I have to make sure I fill my time up. I have had lots of thoughts today about how nice a glass of wine would be this evening, but then I told myself that the reality of that is me drinking until there was nothing left to drink or drinking until I pass out. Whichever comes first. That is the truth. There is no such thing as a nice glass of wine...only and nice bottle or two of wine. That is not normal. I am trying to stop those addict thoughts in their tracks by being honest with myself. As many of you have said, take it day by day and don't pick up that first glass. On to day 3!!
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
Welcome to SR.
I avoided AA for a long time and my drinking got worse,all the things I said I would never do,I did.I hid drink,I drank in the mornings,I drank if I woke up in the night,the unacceptable became acceptable to me.
Eventually I was beaten and I went to AA,it was nothing like I imagined,you never have to speak if you don't want to and at the meetings I attend newcomers are encouraged to just listen for the first few meetings.I have not needed to drink since that first meeting,I have been going back ever since.
I wish you well
I avoided AA for a long time and my drinking got worse,all the things I said I would never do,I did.I hid drink,I drank in the mornings,I drank if I woke up in the night,the unacceptable became acceptable to me.
Eventually I was beaten and I went to AA,it was nothing like I imagined,you never have to speak if you don't want to and at the meetings I attend newcomers are encouraged to just listen for the first few meetings.I have not needed to drink since that first meeting,I have been going back ever since.
I wish you well
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Way to go, Beancounter! It's not easy, but I have found the path gets a little less rocky. I wish I'd gotten on to SR earlier (I joined a little over two weeks ago). From this rookie's perspective, the Tuesday and Friday meetings are super helpful, as is joining your "class." Give it a try!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
I see you're an accountant who I have found to be generally analytical minded people. Problem solvers. Getting to the bottom line.
Have you tried googling AVRT and taking the crash course? It's a real short little quiz of sorts.
Can't hurt to add it to your tools or at least it is what propelled me into abstinence.
Just a thought.
Glad you found us.
ETA: If you're interested in learning even more about it, you can visit our secular forums here at SR.
Have you tried googling AVRT and taking the crash course? It's a real short little quiz of sorts.
Can't hurt to add it to your tools or at least it is what propelled me into abstinence.
Just a thought.
Glad you found us.
ETA: If you're interested in learning even more about it, you can visit our secular forums here at SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 64
Received, thank you very much. I will check it out. I am an accountant and do think analytically. I think that is partly why I am so flabbergasted that this unbelievable addiction is able to have the hold on me that it does. I am a logical person and an alcoholic. How can those two live in one persons body at the same time? It is crazy!
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi beancounter, not taking that drink in the beginning is the hardest but the cravings do subside. I'm now at a little over 5 months and if you told me on May 26th that I'd make it this far I would have never believe it.
It's a lot of one day at a time. Don't focus on forever, focus just on today and that will run into a string of days.
It gets better and it's so worth it, you just have to do whatever is necessary to not take that first drink.
Be prepared that you'll have booboo face for a bit but you will get past it.
So glad that you're here
It's a lot of one day at a time. Don't focus on forever, focus just on today and that will run into a string of days.
It gets better and it's so worth it, you just have to do whatever is necessary to not take that first drink.
Be prepared that you'll have booboo face for a bit but you will get past it.
So glad that you're here
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
Posts: 196
Beancounter thanks for the support over this last week!!!! I too have an accounting degree but left the field after a few years. It was a second career for me and although I enjoyed the course work in college, found that in the real world I was not very good at it. I'm a right brainer all the way and never really got the hang of the whole attention to detail thing...Lol! I have come to believe over the last few months of getting ready and preparing for this next chapter in my life that we have been duped. Like some of those that posted here before said, the marketing machine works as well as ever. Remember a time when you were sober and you were at a party or other function where the drink was flowing. Was it like a Bud of Coors commercial? I remember leaving early and being annoyed at my friends drunken behavior. I don't plan to fight this battle the rest of my life. I am going recondition my thinking to see alcohol for what it is and move on, never looking back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 64
Thank you for your support too, Dirk. I think we value things that we had to work hard for. I don't believe I had ever worked for my sobriety before now. Sure I once went 11 days without drinking, but I didn't put any work into it. I just didn't drink for 11 days. I think that is why it was so easy to give up last time. This time I have more of a foundation to stand on, which becomes stronger each day. I work every day at my sobriety: I come on SR, I fight my cravings with reason and honesty, and I make my goal to go to bed sober each night...one day at a time. I am so glad I found SR!
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