EndGameNYC

Unfortunately, the pattern that has emerged for you, one that you have created, now includes two unappealing but strangely compulsory alternatives, each of which is potentially lethal.

I'm at a loss as to how to help someone who seems determined to destroy himself. I'm concerned, and genuinely don't know how it is that you continue to bring increasing harm to yourself and others, as though there were no limit and no endpoint in you're quest for self destruction.

I'm also concerned -- no, deeply disturbed -- by your doc's continuing collaboration (Perhaps unwitting?) in your inexorable march to hell.

EndGameNYC

The road to hell is paved with bad excuses.

Aiko

Seriously I will be fine...

It is not the first time... I get very nervous... but will be walking and walking...
I have very strong will...
and got a pile of pills...
anti-epileptic , anti-depresants,... and my favourite the blue ones if I get very desperate...
I might get arrested in the airport

the worse one was last year when I stopped Lorazepan+valium...
I was for a week nearly crazy. And I survived!!!

EndGameNYC

I loved your sentence paving with excuses but:
I am not excusing myself nor putting a pavement to get head injured...
I am determined!!!
but need one more week!!!

I shall let you know when I have done it...

Carlotta

If that keeps you from collapsing and that's what it takes for you to get help....
Like Jaynie, I am concerned about you taking a walking trip in your condition.
This is insane, please reconsider.

jdooner

Aiko- we are all feeling the same thing bc we have been there. You think you are thinking rationally but you are not. You can't right now. So everyone here just cares. None of us know you other than the words but we can all relate and we know how close you are on the edge, we can see this bc we are sober. You are showing all the late signs and we know how this movie ends, unfortunately.

You have been given some good advice, hopefully 10% sinks in...this is dangerous ****.

You remind me of a friend I used to call The Pharmacist. He had a pill for everything. Too high on the blow take some benzos, tripping too hard here is some Molly. He had all signs you do. Then we were partying one night and he was not that screwed up, he just went into seizures and started foaming at the mouth and like that was gone. You never know when it's your time. If you have to wait till the 7th there is nothing we can do but pray for you. But if you can't even tell your mom about your disease, I am sure she certainly would not want that phone call.

Stay safe, keep posting, I for one care and want to make sure your alive. Stay safe.

ReadyAtLast

I also think it's crazy to go rural walking when withdrawing. Alcohol withdrawal is serious-you could die. The fact your friend is a pharmacist isn't going to be any help at all if you have a seizure and/or need A&E care.

I'm glad your friend has expressed his concerns. Maybe he will cancel the trip. You say you can't stop drinking today-it seems as if you aren't really trying or bothered about stopping now-it's just some mystical date in the future. We've all been there -it's easy to say we'll quit tomorrow but you know tomorrownever comes.There will always be a reason/excuse/need to put it off till tomorrow again. What makes you think 7th will be any different. You're playing with fire and your life but no matter what anyone says seems to make any difference.This isn't a game. I agree,rehab seems sensible as you are unable to quit alone. I hpe you make enquiries and consider rehab instead of walking.

seashell2005

"and should not been drinking, smoking pot,... antidepressants and I did not tell him about the benzo of the other night cos he will go mad..."

Alcohol consumption is bad enough alone but mixing it with all of the above??? You NEED to get ALL the help you can and quit otherwise you can end up with a permanent damage for life.

Please take this seriously.
I am sending you lots of cyber hugs xxxx

EndGameNYC

"Seriously I will be fine...

It is not the first time... I get very nervous... but will be walking and walking...
I have very strong will...
and got a pile of pills...
anti-epileptic , anti-depresants,... and my favourite the blue ones if I get very desperate...
I might get arrested in the airport"

For the life of me, I don't see the point of your using smilies in your comments that indicate laughter, and then success. Given your own comments about your behavior, it's entirely possible that you will be arrested at the airport, and there's nothing funny about that.

You take seriously enough your self-destructive behaviors that you comment about them here, yet you apparently do nothing else about them beyond placing them within humorous contexts that predict ultimate success for you by essentially doing the same things you've always been doing.

You've been skidding off the rails for some time, and tacking on an additional six or seven days before you get real help seems crazy to me. If you actually do get sober, you need to start being completely honest with your psychiatrist and other healthcare professionals.

I don't even know what all this means.

Do you at all appreciate that you're slowly killing yourself? Or that you're narrating your own demise, both literally and figuratively, here on SR?

jdooner

A guy told me that doing the same thing over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. If you have tried to quit and relasped I guess we are guilty of being insane to some degree. If you are insane then your mind is broken. If you have a broken mind how are you expected to fix yourself? Its a never ending downward spiral.

At some point you have to reach out and let others help. Others that are sober and can see intelligently that you are in full on self destruction. This is what we are all saying. You can't help yourself now now matter what you do. In fact, your Doc should get a clue and should have the decency to stop supporting your suicide. This is perhaps what your friends are doing.

Tell someone the pain you are in so they can help get you to a rehab and detox safely. Trust me a month, two maybe six months you will look back and be so grateful you did this. Bascially we areo n the otherside telling you you can get free from this spell but you have to accept hte help of others bc your in the grips of your own self destruction.

wpainterw

Alko: Your posts seem to me to be a classic example of a disaster waiting to happen. From the looks of things you are headed for serious trouble, putting yourself at risk in a foreign land. You say you'll be fine, with your packet of pills. That's the problem- the pills. You say you'll quit on the "7th". That's what everyone says, that they'll quit "tomorrow" and that never comes. It's very simple. Unless you face up to this and quit kidding yourself you're going to be in very very serious trouble.
Do keep posting on this website. We don't want to be judgmental. But we owe it to you to try to keep you from doing something which could be disastrous. The very first priority should be to cancel the trip. The second should be to seek the best medical help, a rehab and aftercare. Your life is at stake. Do it today. Forget about always talking about "tomorrow".

W.

Mizzuno

From what I am gathering, you have decided to go on an excursion of some sort, walking for 10 days in a rural area with an arsenal of pills? So, are you planning to seriously injure yourself in some way, or kill yourself? This sounds like a horrible plan. IMO. Life could turn upside down for you in a heartbeat on this excursion? Will you have medics with you? Not to be harsh but maybe the Airport authorities will intervene. I hope they do. I think that you are setting yourself up for serious trouble Aiko. What is up with the statement "and my favorite, the blue ones if I get desperate." This is serious Aiko.

wpainterw

P.S. One further thought occurred to me. I assume you plan to go to a foreign country, such as Argentina, with your package of pills. If you don't get stopped at the airport on the way to your destination, I assume you plan to return. Have you considered what might happen if you get arrested with your pills when you attempt to return? If that happens you may face what could be a very nasty "rehab" in a foreign jail with the possibility of a lengthy jail sentence, legal costs. I hope it does not take this to bring you to your senses. If you've been on medications this will probably be apparent from your appearance and they are likely to give your luggage an extensive search. Reminds me a little of that movie, "Midnight Express".

W.

soberhawk

I am sorry you are struggling Aiko.

Are you planing to end your walk in Santiago de Compostela?

I do understand your temptation to do this walk – but I think you need to listen to your friend you need to cut down first. Your health is first priority Aiko.

Take care.

Carlotta

Are you going with your friend? If so, please stop a minute and consider that he might be really looking forward to that special trip and hike abroad with and that if you get seizures, need to be bailed out or worst, you will completely ruin his trip and you might put your friendship in jeopardy.
Maybe right now you do not care anymore about yourself but please don't put your friend though that hell.

Please reconsider.

soberhawk

I am not sure here - but I am kind of guessing that Aiko is staying in Spain.

wpainterw

Soberhawk:
At 7:28 p.m. yesterday Alko posted in part "This is my Home made Rehab!!!!
From O cebreiro to Santiago... 9 days 4 planes and 133 km walking
and a pile of pills...
PRICELESS"

Santiago is in Chile is it not?

W.

ReadyAtLast

I see your point painter though he said he's walking the Camino,It's in Spain where he lives.Bit unsure after the post you refer to though

jdooner

FYI - Aiko is a woman

wpainterw

Yes, I just checked it out. The Camino de Santiago, the road of pilgrimage to Compostela. If that is her destiny, may Saint James preserve her! She needs all the help she can get! IF they arrest her she may be in a Spanish prison! Plenty of chances of arrest with all those aeroportos and all of those pills!

W.

jaynie04

Aiko, I assume you are going on the 10 day walking pilgrimage in Spain from O Cebreiro to Santiago, and from your avatar I assume it is your native country (at least now). I also have a guess about what those blue pills are.

I think there is an enormous amount of concern because of the perceived nonchalance about what you are facing. We all care about you. I use humor to deflect uncomfortable feelings too....but when it is this serious I think we would not be doing right by you to laugh at your jokes. Your life and your well being is not a joke. I understand you did a similar trip before, but I have read about posters who have a difficult time on their 2nd, 3rd, 4th detox, adding restraints because of geography and then physically exerting expectations...it sounds like a recipe for grave concern.

I am also concerned about your comments regarding trying to get all the worry free drinking in before you leave, that last hurrah can sometimes be just that. Aiko, not everyone with a medical license understands addiction, nor is every doctor ethical. I was prescribed benzos for years by a don't ask don't tell doc, and he actually had a wall of credentials. I actually left him before I got sober because he was so cavalier about prescribing.

Getting sober is life altering. I firmly believe that big issues require bold decisions. You sound like someone who is sure of herself except for this one area, please consider rehab instead of this trip.