jazzfish

Nothing. I fit my alternative definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over again knowing perfectly well I will get the exact same miserable result." And it really is crazy. All I am doing is pushing the inevitable into the future by numbing the present.

Nuudawn

Jazz, although I did sit down and make of list of things to do instead of drinking when the cravings and urges hit (because you know they will), I had to decide that drinking was no longer an option when the opportunity arose.

I had to quit drinking in my present. My plan was indeed long term, but it was actually a much more short term, in the moment endeavour. I stay present to sobriety. I have to fight not drinking in my now...all the time. I am always dealing with "not drinking right NOW". That is all I can bend my brain around..and I really don't have to concern myself with much else. I don't drink NOW.

I don't have to think about drinking at any event or moment..until I get to that moment.

ejackson

Jazzfish, I'll join the others in encouraging you to try again. I'm on my 11th day sober, and I haven't gone this long in years. I could have written your OP--I've known that feeling of utter despair and frustration with yourself... waking up feeling horrible and wondering what it will take? I mean, really, WHAT DOES IT TAKE?!?!

For me, it was just trying one more time. And what I did differently was focus on what many posters here have encouraged you to do: One day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow or next weekend or "forever," but just don't drink for today.

Your thread here has given me inspiration, because I've been where you are and know it can be overcome. You can do it. Just keep trying.

ejackson

Jazzfish, I forgot to mention that I sometimes watch Craig Ferguson's monologue about his alcoholism that he shared with his audience. It's available on youtube, and something about his common sense approach mixed in with humor is very simple and real to me. I love your quote--it's really what it's all about. What you can do with your life when you let go of drinking. It's worth trying.

dwtbd

Logan's Run!?
Gtfo haven't see that in years lol

awuh1

Quote:

Originally Posted by jazzfish

I am so frustrated, angry, and disappointed in myself, that I am afraid to say “this time will be different”

But this time CAN be different.

I found that looking very carefully at what went into the decision to drink was all important. I had a host of patterns I needed to address. I had to come up with a plan for what I would do if these same things were to happen again (and most did).

By looking very carefully at how different situations unfolded I was able to see a number of patterns involved in my decisions to drink. This gave me the opportunity to be very proactive. I addressed many of these things head on, and far ahead of the situation arising.

This can be a difficult exercise. The ‘causes’ of our drinking can be difficult things to look at. Perhaps this is not the best time to do this, yet I would suggest that you do it soon. I found it quite usefull to take a proactive approach to my sobriety.

And this time it CAN be different.

All the best to you.

jazzfish

Close, but it's an old Saturday morning show from the 70s. The show Ark II.

dwtbd

yeah that's it
Still coolest winnabego ever, I remember sketching that in math class

CharlieNoogan

I agree with the poster who recommended giving AA an honest try. It looks like you went to a meeting a few months ago and here is what you said about it:

Instead of a step meeting, I would suggest finding a Big Book meeting in your area to start. I also made the mistake of going to step/tradition meetings in the beginning and I found it difficult to relate to what was going on. The Big Book meetings I attend read a chapter aloud out of the book and then people simply discuss their reactions to what was read. This format was much easier for me to digest and provided a comfortable environment to gain understanding of the program.

You are miserable because you continue drinking. You can have what the other people in the room have as well if you give yourself over completely to the program.

You want change, no? Nothing worth doing is easy. We often have to step outside of our comfort zone in order to grow, especially in recovery.

I suggest you give it another shot. You said in the OP that you keep trying different big plans and they are not working. It sounds like you could use some face-to-face support from others. A place to go, or people to call when those cravings strike. Best of luck!

ChloeB

definitely all great advice!! you can do this jazz...

jazzfish

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. Lots of good stuff here.

On another note, I just got back from the store to shop for dinner. I was starting to feel a bit antsy and was thinking I could buy just a small bottle to ease me past the loopiness. Then I thought about this post and everyone who said I could do this. I remembered HALT and remember that I hadn't had a thing to eat since breakfast. I was was mainly feeling the effects of low blood sugar from having had no food since the morning. I thought "I can do this." I left the beer aisle empty handed and went straight home. There is nothing here at home, so I should be safe for the night.

GeishaRunner

Im cheering for you!!!! After reading that you resisted the beer isle, I started doing the happy dance for ya!!!!! Stay strong, Jazz!!!!

ChloeB

awesome Jazz!! Proud of you!!! Happy Sober Saturday and Sunday...24 at a time!!

minouminou

What was hardest for me was the fact that I was supposed to rely on my brain to keep me from taking that first drink. Yet my brain is sick -- it's trying to kill me. So how is that supposed to work, right? For me, it was unfathomable and it felt totally hopeless (also, terrifying). Eventually I decided to try borrowing someone else's brain for a while. I'm in AA so that meant I got a sponsor, but if you're not in AA I think the folks here could be your "proxy" brain for a while, while you need it.

For what it's worth I have 90+ days and I absolutely find step meetings too difficult. I can't understand or connect with anything and I usually end up crying and feeling alienated. My first meetings were all speaker meetings. All I had to do was listen and nobody expected me to understand anything... except: "Keep coming back," which even my brain could grasp.