Erratic

Still havent crossed even 2 days.

When i write in a post i mean in all my heart but it slips away and think i cant do this.

I still have docs tomorrow and addaction, trying to think how i can change things. I just become blank and the dam withdrawels and cravings kick in so hard it brings out alot of my borderline disorder which finding it hard to control.

I do have psychotherapy at end of month which i will go even though its going to be hard going to appointments.

I want to get rid of this and take control of something i cant. I know i should let control go and prob relaxe but my anxiety is coming as just as much as the cravings and that.

sry im sure u heard it all before from me and im sick of having to restart and restart and not get anywhere.



Im getting so sick of myself that its making an impact on my metal health and i dont know how to turn it around. I think back when i gave up for a yr and how i seem not to be able to crack this. sick and tired of being me, just letting everyone down including myself which hell im not worth much anyway.

sry again for this bleak post.

DNVR

I know how you feel. When I recently decided to get sober for good, the anxiety was a nightmare. I couldn't eat or sleep, I was filled with guilt, and yet the cravings were still there.

Instead of grabbing a bottle when the anxiety got too bad, I went for a run, or did simple exercises. It was the greatest decision I ever made. It was hard to do but worth it. My anxiety didn't go away but was manageable, I was got hungry and was able to eat, and I was so tired I finally slept. Before I knew it, I was sober for more than 2 days.

Give it a shot, please. It has been working for me and I'm sure it can for you too.

You deserve the best.

DNVR

ejackson

Erratic, I've quit so many times I can't count, only to break my resolve and start drinking again. I, too, couldn't make it past that 2-day mark. But I'm on Day 6 now--it's progress! The only difference between you and me is I tried one more time...

You have to keep trying. Just keep trying.

Ptcapote

Hi Erratic, I'm so sorry you're feeling like crap right now. I really enjoy your posts and LOVE your avatar.

I know what you're feeling. I did not have a year of sobriety behind me when I tried to stop in the past but I do clearly remember that absolute feeling of being defeated. Of how no matter what you seem to do, no matter WHAT, you can't seem to beat the damn thing back at all. Spiraling depression and anxiety made it all the worse.

I don't have any real words of wisdom for you except to say that it seems like you're in the dreaded "spiral." The drink-hangover-anxiety-guilt-depression-drink thing. Maybe it doesn't go exactly like this for you but some combination thereof. This makes it truly seem like giving up is impossible because some days trying to live through that cycle is hard enough and taking a drink seems to be the only thing that stops it.

Even though, of course, it is creating it if not making it 100 times worse. The only thing that finally worked for me was forcing myself to step out of the cycle for enough days to get some perspective. I thought it was impossible but once I got past five days or a week, the perspective was so much clearer. I still felt like absolute sh!t, mind you, and the cravings were still there, but I finally felt like I could make a choice instead of the booze making it for me.

I don't know if any of that makes sense but that's how I was able to start and then build from there. I don't know if you have AA available to you or some other means of distracting yourself those first five days or so. I basically woke up, went to work, went to AA, and went to sleep. For weeks. I know you are a Mum (I think?) and probably don't have that option but if there is a way for you to basically put yourself on a rigid schedule for just a week that basically takes up all your free time with either support or sleep (lame, I realize), that might just give you enough daylight between the last drink and feeling better.

I know having emotional and mental issues going on in addition to the drinking also needs to be addressed and makes it extra challenging. But I have found that my years and years of anxiety and depression have almost gone completely with a combination of the right medication and complete abstinence from alcohol. It was HELL to get to the point where I could do both...but so worth it.

Anyway, sorry for the long post but I have been watching your posts for a bit and feeling for you very strongly because I was there eight months ago. Now I am here and although "here" isn't perfect, it is a feck of a lot better than anywhere I've been in a decade.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of good vibes and support.

Erratic

Thank you both.

Its not just about trying its about coming here and repeating myself doing it over and over. I just hate myself letting people down and again coming out with excuses. I do it enough at home also.

Good job on ur 6th day xxx

Im on a down today and all i can think is why live, i dont know how to, im allways working on myself and trying to keep alive. The borderline i know causes me to feel this way but hell im stuck.

Tomorrow im sure i will be another mood after having so many today.

least

Keep trying! Do something different this time. Never ever give up! As long as you're still breathing there is hope.

MythOfSisyphus

Hang in there, Erratic. Maybe the doctors can help? Keep trying! You just have to keep trying. You can do it.

Regretter

Hey Erratic,

With respect, you're talking bollocks if you really believe ^that^. In fact it isn't even you talking bollocks it's the voice of depression talking. You're just listening to it.

By what standard are you measuring yourself.. because you drink but don't want to, but do?

So what? You're still a human being, man, and have inherent worth. Having an addiction doesn't make anyone worthless.

I bet you if I asked you to list ten things in life you're good at you wouldn't struggle to do it. The people who love you hold you dear. You make a contribution to society. Ergo you have worth.

Chin up mate. We're all in the same boat here in one way or another and you're no less worthy than any of us

Erratic

Thanks for all the encouraging words yesterday.

Today i had my doctors, he gave me some medication called chlodiazepoxide which ive never been on before. Im to see him on friday to see how i get on.

My mood has lifted a little today, im going to plan of action to start on it tomorrow and see how i am on it.

I cant get my liver tested until next week which is a pain as my alcohol guy needed my results when i see him next week. Nvm i guess it will all work out in the end.

Again thanks for all your support and advice xxxx

MythOfSisyphus

Keep your chin up! It's a process, Erratic. It will take some work but you just have to believe in yourself.

GracieLou

My worse day sober is better than my best day drinking.

I know it does not seem that way now but it was the truth for me. One day at a time. Try not to look at yesterday or tomorrow. Just today. If you want to drink to tomorrow, fine. Just not today.