low57self

I have just got involved with a man who is a recovering Alcoholic going on 2 years. He has not attended a meeting in a while but stated recently he needs to go to one to get updated. We seem to really hit it off but he sends me so many mixed signals. The more I talk to him, the more I get so many red flags of his lifestyle. He is a great person and a lot of fun to talk to but he keeps making jokes about his alcoholism. I do not know how to react when he does this, it makes me feel uncomfortable! I told him to quit being so hard on himself and the past is the past. I do not want to know what shameful things he has done because I also have done them during my drinking days. I want to be there for him but this has been a struggle trying to read him! He either goes overboard with texting, emails and phone calls then I do not hear from him for a couple of days. I find myself beating myself up thinking it is because of me. I know I need to go to Alanon but I to keep making excuses not to go! Please help me with all these concerns.

Sobersunshine

Hiya. I am not really good at relationship advice, even though I've been in quite a few relationship. However, my drinking was always more important than the relationship and they never seemed to work out. I am not yet ready to embark on the relationship path sober.

Anyway, enough about me. My one piece of advice, do not ignore red flags! Especially early on, when it is much easier to get out. I'm not saying end it, I'm just saying pay attention to waht your gut is telling you (as opposed to your heart or hormones!).

As for joking about his alcoholism, well I sometimes do that too. He may just be uncomfortable about it and is trying to make you comfortable. Except that it makes you uncomfortable. I'd just ask him why he jokes about it so much.

roomsforall

Alanon sounds like a really good idea. I believe there is also a Friends & Family board here, and they might be able to give you some perspective.

Speaking from my own experience, I have tended to joke about my alcoholism. I've tried to cut it out, because I have noticed that it makes others uncomfortable. It's a coping mechanism. I want to be open about what I'm dealing with, but I am afraid sometimes. So I joke. The impulse toward "dark humor" seems natural. But if he isn't noticing your signals... well, maybe that is something to think about.

The whole over-texting/dropping out of sight thing... Some alcoholics have really poor social skills. It's hard to say, based on the info you provide. If it makes you uncomfortable or seems suspicious, you should probably listen to your gut.

Anna

I also hope that you go to AlAnon for support for yourself.

Since you said you are newly involved with this man, maybe you could take it a bit slow. You said there are red flags and you should pay attention to those. Have you expressed your concerns to him?

Amajorityofone

Friend-

Aristotle once said that we are never standing still. Instead we are constantly spiraling, either up or down. Thus, my advice would simply be to only associate with people who are likely to improve you. If his energy is like that of an anchor, pulling you down instead of what it should be, which is oxygen filling you up, I would let go, and do so asap.

Good luck and God Bless

Threshold

Don't ignore red flags. Don't assume all red flags are related to someone's drinking past, present or future. Doesn't matter what they are related to, if you are just getting to know someone you have the wonderful luxury, freedom and responsibility to yourself to NOT GO THERE, if things don't look and feel right and safe.

Best to you!

low57self

I want to thank all of you for your concerns and responses. No, I have not mentioned anything to him because I do not want to hurt him or scare him off, that sounds stupid but that is my low self esteem taking over! I will go to Alanon for my own sake not his! I know he has to want to help himself, I can be there to listen but he has to do the work. So I will give him some space and not push him. Thank you again.

least

to SR from a fellow Buckeye.

low57self

Yes, I do believe this man deserves a chance. He is a good person and a fellow human being not a dog! As being a dog lover myself...yes they do make a better companion because they love you unconditionally. I just have to realize he may not be my soul mate but just a friend in the end. Thanks for your advise anyway!

SkyeSea

Love this post It is SO true - some people just drain the energy out of you x

whiskeyman

I wish my program worked like that.

Go to a meeting to get updated.

But it doesnt for me. It is a gradual slope down to the pit again for me.
the redflags are showing themselves for a reason.

LISTEN

nettles

As a veteran of many relationships, my advice is to always listen to your gut.

Good luck!

low57self

This relationship is new so I will first go to Alanon to help myself to help me see if he is a waste of time or something to hold on to? Is there anyone out there that has a successful relationship with a recovering alcoholic? If so, please share.

doggonecarl

I view early dating as a chance to identify areas of compatabilty and incompatability. A time to nurture the intuition for those "Red Flags" to show up. Then act accordingly.

What I don't think the early stages of a relationship is for is to identify red flags, drive yourself crazy trying to figure them out, and then commit to something like Al-Anon when it is easier to just say, "Hey, this isn't going to work out."

Lots of men in this world to date that don't need group support to deal with.

My two cents...and about all that it's worth. Good luck.

advbike

Good lord why get involved with al-anon and all that if you don't have to? Listen to your gut. I agree with Carl.

Amajorityofone

If you stop and think about it, you're already in a successful relationship with someone in recovery.....and that person is yourself.

Thus, if you view yourself as a great woman, and you should, don't let someone drag you down to the bargain basement of life just because you're lonely. We must never forget Proverbs 27:17. Iron sharpens Iron....Meaning true greatness never goes on sale. Intelligent people only associate with intelligent people. Sober people only associate themselves with other, sober, people. Truly great people are not looking for someone "average" to be with. We cost, what we cost.

Sorry, me no go on sale! Trust me, this is a good thing.

Be Encouraged!

Tuffgirl

First of all, welcome!

Secondly, this sentence above really confuses me. And having spent a lot of time in Al-Anon, I am not sure you will find the answers to this in those rooms. But do go - you may find other answers there, like why you ignore your own intuition (red flags) and what motivates you to try to figure out a relationship that doesn't make you feel very good (mixed signals).

If his behavior is sending up red flags and mixed signals for you - why does he deserve anything? What has he done to deserve?

There are a lot of good human beings in this world - doesn't mean I want to date them. Or that I have to, just because they deserve a chance. There are a lot of people who wouldn't want to date me, either. Just not a good fit. That's ok. I wouldn't want someone to date me just because he thought I deserved a chance.

You have every right to be wary of this guy. Listen to your intuition - it is speaking loud and clear right now.

GroundhogDay

Ditto. It's your low self-esteem convincing you to give the guy a chance. But think about it, how high do you think your self-esteem is going to be when you are begging him not to leave you a year from now?

low57self

Again, thank you all for your responses. I need Alanon for myself not just for this guy. This is my first to recovery.

Received

Good gracious. I would run like hell-o!

When the heart and hormones take over what the brain and gut is telling you, it's not good. Not good at all.

My experience. Every. Single. Time.