New relationship
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hi there,
sounds to me like you two are drastically different in the way you look at yourselves and your alcoholism(s).
what you see as red flags may well be just his different way from yours.
but see, i wouldn't want to go for oxygen filling up a balloon-me, i'd rather check to see if there's anchor-material for steadiness and non-drifting stability
just thinking about the joking about his alcoholism...i love to do that with my good long-term sober pal; it's a relief. it's our way of acknowledging that particular common bond of really "getting" each other that way. i don't do it with "normies" - they wouldn't "get it" the same way. it's an "insider" joking, a comfortable thing for me to do with this one person. it's safe there. and funny.
maybe the red flags you see are about your fears more than about his behaviour? just wondering about that because i haven't really read anything in your post that sounds weird about him...and no, i'm not suggesting you avoid looking at the flags, no matter the reason they're popping up. but look carefully...they may not be about him....
take your time. there's lots of that. no hurry. you need decide nothing right now, yes?
sounds to me like you two are drastically different in the way you look at yourselves and your alcoholism(s).
what you see as red flags may well be just his different way from yours.
but see, i wouldn't want to go for oxygen filling up a balloon-me, i'd rather check to see if there's anchor-material for steadiness and non-drifting stability
just thinking about the joking about his alcoholism...i love to do that with my good long-term sober pal; it's a relief. it's our way of acknowledging that particular common bond of really "getting" each other that way. i don't do it with "normies" - they wouldn't "get it" the same way. it's an "insider" joking, a comfortable thing for me to do with this one person. it's safe there. and funny.
maybe the red flags you see are about your fears more than about his behaviour? just wondering about that because i haven't really read anything in your post that sounds weird about him...and no, i'm not suggesting you avoid looking at the flags, no matter the reason they're popping up. but look carefully...they may not be about him....
take your time. there's lots of that. no hurry. you need decide nothing right now, yes?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Ashtabula, Ohio
Posts: 7
Thank you fini....I agree with you, this is all new to me and coming from my own issues and living with alcoholism through my growing up and my previous marriage, I may be the one worrying to much! You are the first one that makes sense to me. I tend to want things to happen to fast and that is where I am getting the mixed signals, he talks to me about the future with him then he gets cold feet and wants to take it slow, we live 4 hours from each other and have only met once in the 4 months since we connected. You are right taking it slow is probably the best way...he has some decisions to make and pushing him will just add to the confusion! Again, thank you...I think he is worth it right now...so I will take it slow and see what happens.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by Anna 
I also hope that you go to AlAnon for support for yourself.
Since you said you are newly involved with this man, maybe you could take it a bit slow. You said there are red flags and you should pay attention to those. Have you expressed your concerns to him?
Since you said you are newly involved with this man, maybe you could take it a bit slow. You said there are red flags and you should pay attention to those. Have you expressed your concerns to him?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by low57self
...and coming from my own issues and living with alcoholism through my growing up and my previous marriage, I may be the one worrying to much!...
There are red flags. Yours.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
Posts: 1,333
I've learned over the years to trust my instincts. I met my wife to be when I was sober about 2 years sober. I told her in the beginning and when things got serious that my recovery was number 1 in my life. Without that, I was screwed. It upset her at first, but then seeing how AA worked in my life, she saw it was an asset. Our next wedding anniversary will be our 30th.
A recovering alcoholic who can't commit to some recovery plan would get me to to wonder just how much they would commit to a relationship.
A recovering alcoholic who can't commit to some recovery plan would get me to to wonder just how much they would commit to a relationship.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
it comes down to what's important to you.
you didn't say, for example, that he's not doing anything recovery-related, you said he hasn't been to a meeting in a while. lots of people don't go to meetings and live good sober lives. you need to decide how important it is to YOU, and how important it is to YOU that meetings may not be important to him.
for example: if he's not into any kind of program but believes his sobriety is solid and it seems to be so...is that a dealbreaker for you? if you believe that alcoholics need ongoing meetings and programs, then it may well be that this would be so if his beliefs are different.
that is for YOU to decide.
if it's very important to you that your recovery "methods" and views mesh, then cut your potential losses if you're seeing that they don't.
only having met once in four months in person would definitely be a signal to me to take things very slowly.
you didn't say, for example, that he's not doing anything recovery-related, you said he hasn't been to a meeting in a while. lots of people don't go to meetings and live good sober lives. you need to decide how important it is to YOU, and how important it is to YOU that meetings may not be important to him.
for example: if he's not into any kind of program but believes his sobriety is solid and it seems to be so...is that a dealbreaker for you? if you believe that alcoholics need ongoing meetings and programs, then it may well be that this would be so if his beliefs are different.
that is for YOU to decide.
if it's very important to you that your recovery "methods" and views mesh, then cut your potential losses if you're seeing that they don't.
only having met once in four months in person would definitely be a signal to me to take things very slowly.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by low57self
Again, thank you all for your responses. I need Alanon for myself not just for this guy. This is my first to recovery.
I am so glad to see you realize you are in need of support/recovery. Some red flags for me regarding you flew up actually. I mean that with love. It is a new relationship (like how new?)...and you are already pretty emotionally invested by "wanting to be there for him"...suffering anxiety over his hot/cold behaviour yet continuing to endure it..defending him with the "second chances" comment...what has he done?
With regard to you...really glad you posted. Are you aware of codependency issues? You are showing all the signs hon. Believe me, it takes one to know one.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by low57self
Again, thank you all for your responses. I need Alanon for myself not just for this guy. This is my first to recovery.
If it is low self esteem that makes you want to pursue a relationship you have a number of worries and reservations about then I think you are right YOU need al anon, to address your issues so YOU are ready to recognize and have a great relationship.
We are always our own best investment I think.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
check out this thread i just came across; it talks about the same things but from a less personal angle: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4213681
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Originally Posted by roomsforall
Alanon sounds like a really good idea. I believe there is also a Friends & Family board here, and they might be able to give you some perspective.
Speaking from my own experience, I have tended to joke about my alcoholism. I've tried to cut it out, because I have noticed that it makes others uncomfortable. It's a coping mechanism. I want to be open about what I'm dealing with, but I am afraid sometimes. So I joke. The impulse toward "dark humor" seems natural. But if he isn't noticing your signals... well, maybe that is something to think about.
The whole over-texting/dropping out of sight thing... Some alcoholics have really poor social skills. It's hard to say, based on the info you provide. If it makes you uncomfortable or seems suspicious, you should probably listen to your gut.
Speaking from my own experience, I have tended to joke about my alcoholism. I've tried to cut it out, because I have noticed that it makes others uncomfortable. It's a coping mechanism. I want to be open about what I'm dealing with, but I am afraid sometimes. So I joke. The impulse toward "dark humor" seems natural. But if he isn't noticing your signals... well, maybe that is something to think about.
The whole over-texting/dropping out of sight thing... Some alcoholics have really poor social skills. It's hard to say, based on the info you provide. If it makes you uncomfortable or seems suspicious, you should probably listen to your gut.
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