WOW! Am I ever being tested
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
WOW! Am I ever being tested
Yesterday morning my boyfriend left saying when he came home he would have a big smile on his face and we would start over with a new slate. A few hours later he was telling me that he didn't think this relationship is going to work out. This is a man that picked up his entire life with only the clothes on his back, moved 2,500 miles from Florida to be with me. All along he has said things like I am his dream girl and he never knew he could be so happy.
Anyway I guess yesterday that changed. He wouldn't talk to me much on the phone about it and said that we would go to dinner to discuss it. What it boiled down to was all the fighting over the last couple of months when my drinking was getting worse. I can hardly blame him because I wasn't myself. I lost my easy going, silly, loving and fun personality. I told him that the drinking is over and the fighting should stop. He is also upset that I'm not working. I'm constantly telling him I hate my self. He feels like if I got a job, even a part time job I would feel better about myself. The funny thing is when I was at my moms yesterday in hysterics over what he told me on the phone they said the same thing, that I need to be independent and not rely on him. So I will being searching for a job. Not really sure what to do I haven't worked for 5 years, I have a degree I am wasting but can't work full time do to my illness and constant fatigue.
I never did drink yesterday, I didn't even dare, I knew I would lose him for sure and more importantly I would ruin me. So today I have 8 days and all though I am very shook up. I will not drink.
Anyway I guess yesterday that changed. He wouldn't talk to me much on the phone about it and said that we would go to dinner to discuss it. What it boiled down to was all the fighting over the last couple of months when my drinking was getting worse. I can hardly blame him because I wasn't myself. I lost my easy going, silly, loving and fun personality. I told him that the drinking is over and the fighting should stop. He is also upset that I'm not working. I'm constantly telling him I hate my self. He feels like if I got a job, even a part time job I would feel better about myself. The funny thing is when I was at my moms yesterday in hysterics over what he told me on the phone they said the same thing, that I need to be independent and not rely on him. So I will being searching for a job. Not really sure what to do I haven't worked for 5 years, I have a degree I am wasting but can't work full time do to my illness and constant fatigue.
I never did drink yesterday, I didn't even dare, I knew I would lose him for sure and more importantly I would ruin me. So today I have 8 days and all though I am very shook up. I will not drink.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Congrats for staying stong and not going back to the bottle.
When you've been out of the work force for a while it can seem a bit scary and overwhelming to get back in.
I'm sure you will do fine.Good luck on your search for a PT job.
When you've been out of the work force for a while it can seem a bit scary and overwhelming to get back in.
I'm sure you will do fine.Good luck on your search for a PT job.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Toomuch - I second your decision to look for a job, any job. It will really get you out of yourself and move your focus from just your BF. Congratulations on 8 days! Stay on SR and have faith that things are going to get better and better.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 664
Hi. I also agree that getting out and meeting people, even if it's voluntary work, to ease your way back in, is a great idea 
I don't know what your illness is, but is it perhaps one that you could help others with, who are going through the same?
I'm guilty too, of isolating myself, especially when I was drinking and work / volunteering is something I too, am looking into doing.
Well done on day 8! - I'm on it too!!
I don't know what your illness is, but is it perhaps one that you could help others with, who are going through the same?I'm guilty too, of isolating myself, especially when I was drinking and work / volunteering is something I too, am looking into doing.
Well done on day 8! - I'm on it too!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 355
This on again, off again - mean, sweet, supportive, not supportive, understanding, angry guy is just starting to bug me.
Abuse doesn't have to be physical to meet the criteria. You speak of "walking on eggshells", control, verbally abusive outbursts, and then peace and forgiveness.
Tension Building - Incident - Reconciliation - Calm
Abuse doesn't have to be physical to meet the criteria. You speak of "walking on eggshells", control, verbally abusive outbursts, and then peace and forgiveness.
Tension Building - Incident - Reconciliation - Calm
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
Originally Posted by Toomutch 
This is a man that picked up his entire life with only the clothes on his back, moved 2,500 miles from Florida to be with me. .
And congrats w/ your 8 days...what a miracle the 9th will be...
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I'm also glad you didn't drink, but this guy sounds very unreliable to me. First he's going, then he's staying, then he's going... I hope you can find a job and take care of yourself, after all, you're the only person you can depend on. 
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
So glad you didn't turn to drink, because it wouldn't have solved anything, just added to your already spinning situation.
So you see you do have strength and courage and a good head on your shoulders to make that good decision for yourself.
Your drinking probably did do some damage to the relationship, but it sounds as if he has some issues too. I doubt it was all on you, and don't allow yourself to be talked or guilted into taking on what you are not responsible for. I was in a relationship where the finger was always pointed at me and I can see, and others could always see, that there were serious issues on both sides, I was the easy target when it came to blame.
Your best investment is in your all around health and well being, then no matter what happens you are in the best position to have an optimum life.
So you see you do have strength and courage and a good head on your shoulders to make that good decision for yourself.
Your drinking probably did do some damage to the relationship, but it sounds as if he has some issues too. I doubt it was all on you, and don't allow yourself to be talked or guilted into taking on what you are not responsible for. I was in a relationship where the finger was always pointed at me and I can see, and others could always see, that there were serious issues on both sides, I was the easy target when it came to blame.
Your best investment is in your all around health and well being, then no matter what happens you are in the best position to have an optimum life.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Toomutch.
Unfortunately, most of us don't work out the important details in our relationships until after we move in together. Love alone is never enough, and long-distance plans and promises rarely work out the way we think they will. Or should.
Sounds to me like you're both in a power struggle, with neither side willing to give ground, and both drawing up separate contracts for how your relationship will proceed. This rarely ends well.
You might want to try outside help.
Unfortunately, most of us don't work out the important details in our relationships until after we move in together. Love alone is never enough, and long-distance plans and promises rarely work out the way we think they will. Or should.
Sounds to me like you're both in a power struggle, with neither side willing to give ground, and both drawing up separate contracts for how your relationship will proceed. This rarely ends well.
You might want to try outside help.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
I agree that this changing in midstream is not what you need TM. You're trying to put yourself back together after a traumatic time & you need consistent love and support. Congratulations on your 8 days. Proud of you.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
There appears to be a whole lot of pressure on "the relationship"..what it should do, what it can't be. Entire lives are revolving around "the relationship".
The poor little relationship is straining under all the pressure put on it.
The poor little relationship is straining under all the pressure put on it.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Congratulations on 8 days 
and please do not drink no matter what.
It seems like you have fallen from the pedestal he had put you on and no matter what you do, you will not be able to go back up. Anyway, it is NOT your job to get back on your pedestal.
I would also like to join the chorus and urge you to look for a job. Forget about what he says, self esteem or God knows what...what is worrisome is that you are dependent upon him financially and it looks like the relationship might be at its tail end. You really don't want to end up destitute. Please take care of YOU and don't drink no matter what.
and please do not drink no matter what.It seems like you have fallen from the pedestal he had put you on and no matter what you do, you will not be able to go back up. Anyway, it is NOT your job to get back on your pedestal.
I would also like to join the chorus and urge you to look for a job. Forget about what he says, self esteem or God knows what...what is worrisome is that you are dependent upon him financially and it looks like the relationship might be at its tail end. You really don't want to end up destitute. Please take care of YOU and don't drink no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Great on the 8 days. Maybe the job thing is a good idea, regardless of whence the suggestion comes. Often what we do at our jobs are a lot more of our identity than we care to admit. You don't have to work in your degreed field, maybe just find something working where you like the stuff. I've often thought that if I didn't need more money I would get a job at a nursery, the plant kind...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Eight days! Wonderful, TM. But, in my case, if my sobriety were based upon guts and willpower, I'd be toast. I need to draw on stuff greater than mere Warren.
Rhetorical question: Are you trying to get sober or trying to appease your boyfriend?
When our disease is active, we try to protect our "supply" at all costs. We minimize, justify, rationalize, and just plain hide the stuff around the house. We alter our behavior. I did, making sure I scheduled, in advance, time when I would be free to drink.
We do the same thing with relationships, too. I did. Even when they were a source of pain. We attach to things, we cling to anything! Even if it is bad for us.
Your boyfriend signed up for you, not your addiction. I remember thinking, "If only SHE understood!" WTF? Others do not NEED to understand us. WE need to understand us.
Sounds to me like you have many things all raveled up in a yarn ball and the kitten of addiction is having her way with it. I would not have a chance in such a scenario. Like you I was sober for a number of years. Hell, Suzette, we were here at the same time! Like you I relapsed. In my case because I thought sobriety was all about not drinking.
A year and a half ago, I was on my knees from trying to drink normally. I was a mess emotionally, physically, and, most important, spiritually. The only reason I am writing this is because I enlisted a power greater than myself. It's not important what my concept of that is. But, I needed to make becoming spiritually fit my ONLY task. Sobriety is the byproduct of that. Willpower has nothing to do with it. The obsession, the need is lifted. I no longer feel self pity because I can't drink normally. Is what it is, I can think of a gazillion things in life that are worse.
I am now dating again. And it is TOTALLY different! Gone is the needy man who looked for a caretaker. I am hoping to find a woman who really wants what I have to give!! An equal partnership. Egos on a leash. I am joyous with WARREN and I project that to women. And they want some of that.
You cannot continue to let that kitten play with your yarn ball. No one can. It's not about boyfriend, cars, payments, bankruptcy court, exes, kids, yadda yadda. That gives you about 96 excuses for relapse. Phew! I am sober because, by some miracle, I was able, with help, to make my health #1. And, in my case, I had places to go EVERY DAY where that message was carried.
I hope you can simplify and get some help, TM.
Warren
Rhetorical question: Are you trying to get sober or trying to appease your boyfriend?
When our disease is active, we try to protect our "supply" at all costs. We minimize, justify, rationalize, and just plain hide the stuff around the house. We alter our behavior. I did, making sure I scheduled, in advance, time when I would be free to drink.
We do the same thing with relationships, too. I did. Even when they were a source of pain. We attach to things, we cling to anything! Even if it is bad for us.
Your boyfriend signed up for you, not your addiction. I remember thinking, "If only SHE understood!" WTF? Others do not NEED to understand us. WE need to understand us.
Sounds to me like you have many things all raveled up in a yarn ball and the kitten of addiction is having her way with it. I would not have a chance in such a scenario. Like you I was sober for a number of years. Hell, Suzette, we were here at the same time! Like you I relapsed. In my case because I thought sobriety was all about not drinking.
A year and a half ago, I was on my knees from trying to drink normally. I was a mess emotionally, physically, and, most important, spiritually. The only reason I am writing this is because I enlisted a power greater than myself. It's not important what my concept of that is. But, I needed to make becoming spiritually fit my ONLY task. Sobriety is the byproduct of that. Willpower has nothing to do with it. The obsession, the need is lifted. I no longer feel self pity because I can't drink normally. Is what it is, I can think of a gazillion things in life that are worse.
I am now dating again. And it is TOTALLY different! Gone is the needy man who looked for a caretaker. I am hoping to find a woman who really wants what I have to give!! An equal partnership. Egos on a leash. I am joyous with WARREN and I project that to women. And they want some of that.
You cannot continue to let that kitten play with your yarn ball. No one can. It's not about boyfriend, cars, payments, bankruptcy court, exes, kids, yadda yadda. That gives you about 96 excuses for relapse. Phew! I am sober because, by some miracle, I was able, with help, to make my health #1. And, in my case, I had places to go EVERY DAY where that message was carried.
I hope you can simplify and get some help, TM.
Warren
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Suzette,
I think finding a part-time job would be a good idea for you too. I also have fibromyalgia which was more or less manageable until recently. I have been struggling in the past few months with more pain and fatigue that I would like, but I'm not ready to stop working yet.
I think finding a part-time job would be a good idea for you too. I also have fibromyalgia which was more or less manageable until recently. I have been struggling in the past few months with more pain and fatigue that I would like, but I'm not ready to stop working yet.
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