I couldn't do it and remain sober - old me is dead
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
You're a stubborn thinker about accepting our advice without trying yourself.
I believe I've gathered that you were once an extremely good athlete and that single minded goal seeking no matter what is what often separates winners and losers in sports.
However, you seem to learn quickly when you see our predictions come true, and you take action quickly to save your sobriety,
In this affliction we are all startlingly similar. I'll bet you get the hang of accepting the consensus advice without testing it more in the future.
Wish you well, glad you are still dry.
I believe I've gathered that you were once an extremely good athlete and that single minded goal seeking no matter what is what often separates winners and losers in sports.
However, you seem to learn quickly when you see our predictions come true, and you take action quickly to save your sobriety,
In this affliction we are all startlingly similar. I'll bet you get the hang of accepting the consensus advice without testing it more in the future.
Wish you well, glad you are still dry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Thanks all...I just woke up, and have about an hour to catch my car. Hoping that my flight is not interrupted by the Super Typhoon that I am flying into. I have a knack for natural disasters - perhaps my Firm is trying to tell me something, lol (I was in Europe with the volcano that stranded me during the Boston marathon in 2010 and the fires in Russia when I was concerned about getting radiation all over me).
A couple notes that might help others.
1) I had a very spiritual experience on this trip. I am not a spiritual person - my whole life has been science based whether skiing, all my training, tennis, physics, racing cars you name it. But I cannot explain the experience of seing who I was destined to become and what I thought I wanted in these other people and that I wanted none of that myself. I cried uncontrollably for the first time in 20 some odd years and I can only attribute this to my higher power. This has allowed me to fully surrender and not just say this.
2) I am an alcoholic and an addict. I struggled through the big book with trying to define me drinking but I realized that deep down, really deep in my subconscience this was really me trying to justify the ability to date alcohol in the future. My romance with alcohol is dead there is none nor will there ever be - this was a tough one to truly and I mean truly accept.
3) I have an amazing support network here with some bonds that in a short time are as strong as my few close friends. I am following my heart here in trusting these. I also have a network of three people I call daily. My sponsor whom I relate (same age same high bottom) on step #5 himself and his sponsor a 5yr recovered alcoholic/addict that I relate perhaps too close too, and my mentor a 30yr recovered alcoholic that deal with this stuff daily. Without these four and my posts to you all, which I help myself by commenting on others and thinking I am helping others by being honest about what I am going through then I would be drunk right now and probably missing this flight.
4) I am working very hard on not lying to anyone in the real World or in Cyberspace. This is tough but as much as I have accomplished I have lost an equal amount and been plagued by by a low self esteem. I also have some issues of early child abuse (not from my parents), which is playing a role and things that I have compartmentalized for decades and this weight of destroying things I have built tucking it into spaces in my brain and carrying this baggage have driven my disease to an unmanagable level where my World's that used to be separated by home and business travel have collided into the 10 month bender I have been on that should have killed me.
IF I did not have any one of these four items I would have drank last night. Last night at this club was the ultimate test for me and for the Grace of God, I thank each of you (there is goes I am breaking down in tear writing this now). Thank you for this and I sincerely hope that some of what I write helps some of the newcomers get there life back, as I have been imprisoned by this awful disease like all of you.
God bless,
JD
A couple notes that might help others.
1) I had a very spiritual experience on this trip. I am not a spiritual person - my whole life has been science based whether skiing, all my training, tennis, physics, racing cars you name it. But I cannot explain the experience of seing who I was destined to become and what I thought I wanted in these other people and that I wanted none of that myself. I cried uncontrollably for the first time in 20 some odd years and I can only attribute this to my higher power. This has allowed me to fully surrender and not just say this.
2) I am an alcoholic and an addict. I struggled through the big book with trying to define me drinking but I realized that deep down, really deep in my subconscience this was really me trying to justify the ability to date alcohol in the future. My romance with alcohol is dead there is none nor will there ever be - this was a tough one to truly and I mean truly accept.
3) I have an amazing support network here with some bonds that in a short time are as strong as my few close friends. I am following my heart here in trusting these. I also have a network of three people I call daily. My sponsor whom I relate (same age same high bottom) on step #5 himself and his sponsor a 5yr recovered alcoholic/addict that I relate perhaps too close too, and my mentor a 30yr recovered alcoholic that deal with this stuff daily. Without these four and my posts to you all, which I help myself by commenting on others and thinking I am helping others by being honest about what I am going through then I would be drunk right now and probably missing this flight.
4) I am working very hard on not lying to anyone in the real World or in Cyberspace. This is tough but as much as I have accomplished I have lost an equal amount and been plagued by by a low self esteem. I also have some issues of early child abuse (not from my parents), which is playing a role and things that I have compartmentalized for decades and this weight of destroying things I have built tucking it into spaces in my brain and carrying this baggage have driven my disease to an unmanagable level where my World's that used to be separated by home and business travel have collided into the 10 month bender I have been on that should have killed me.
IF I did not have any one of these four items I would have drank last night. Last night at this club was the ultimate test for me and for the Grace of God, I thank each of you (there is goes I am breaking down in tear writing this now). Thank you for this and I sincerely hope that some of what I write helps some of the newcomers get there life back, as I have been imprisoned by this awful disease like all of you.
God bless,
JD
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by jdooner 
So, as many of you know from my posts, I have been over here in Singapore for the F1 races, which I used to do every year. I made it through the hospitality events no problem and had some major breakthroughs. Tonight was a club event at the Amber Lounge - perhaps my favorite club in the World. A client insisted I attend in spite of my desire to clean up - I told him prior to this trip I could not drink but not that I was an alcoholic/addict. Anyhow, with my $2K pass I sat on our couch waited on by the most beautiful people and girls trying to pull me on the dance floor. Yet the only thing I could focus on was the Magnum of Belvedere and how I could score some blow.
I texted my sponsor and told my client and his friends I had to leave. I just could not do it and remain sober. I know some of you predicted it would be too tough and you were right.
I am definitely leaving the old me behind, yet tonight I am a bit melancholy over the whole thing. I am sober and heading to bed for an early flight to Taiwan.
I texted my sponsor and told my client and his friends I had to leave. I just could not do it and remain sober. I know some of you predicted it would be too tough and you were right.
I am definitely leaving the old me behind, yet tonight I am a bit melancholy over the whole thing. I am sober and heading to bed for an early flight to Taiwan.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
You're the man, no doubt. That place is incredible and I couldn't have resisted it for 5 min, much less in the first 90 days of recovery. I guess if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger, LOL. You sure found something to get you outta there sober.
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