Ill-equipped to deal with alcoholic boyfriend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 4
Ill-equipped to deal with alcoholic boyfriend
Hello
I found this forum yesterday and am grateful.
I've been dating a man for more than a year now. He is a dear, childhood friend with whom I reconnected two summers ago. He's an alcoholic. I am totally ill-equipped in this and am seeking help and support from those with experience around this problem.
It's been several months since the first episode. He promised then it would "never happen again." Then, there were several others that followed and his behavior towards me turned mean and abusive.
I confronted him and engaged him every time and have since been made aware that it is best not to confront or engage an alcoholic when he/she is drunk. Horrible things were said and done, and I was left feeling confused and crazy and hurt.
A friend suggested I try Al Anon. It's been very helpful, as have the various pamphlets and books and online articles about alcoholism.
I don't have a single friend or family member that supports my relationship with this man anymore.
I know he has been dishonest and even cruel. And, just as i have read other accounts herein, my boyfriend has a totally different side. The side I love.
He has made promise after promise and when he keeps them, it feels so good and right. He professes so much love and care and want for me. And then he seems to slip, and all the promises are broken and the professions of love are empty.
I feel stuck. I also feel like I am getting unstuck. Slowly.
We live 100 miles apart. Last night I was sure he had been drinking. I am starting to recognize the signs. Slurred speech. Long gaps of silence. Ambiguous and even baiting comments. He was a horrible all over again last night.
This morning I awoke to an apologetic text message but no acknowledgement of the drinking. He will not admit when he has been drinking!
How do I navigate this? He goes in and out of AA meetings, but he is not consistent in his efforts.
I feel myself pulling away (painfully) when I believe he is lying to me and when he is so mean. He is NOT a nice drunk. I have never known anyone personally to be so unkind and abusive while under the influence of alcohol.
What do you do when someone you love and sleep with lies to you about the fact that he is or has been drinking? How is it best to navigate this? Can someone suggest how best to communicate with this man when he is in the midst of a drinking spell? He calls me continually and erratically and hangs up on me and then seems to forget the horrible things he said just minutes ago. It is torture to be entwined in this! Lastly, aside from telling me to RUN, how is it best to respond to him when he is rested and apologetic? He apologizes for the things he said but will not admit to the drinking.
Thank you in advance for anything you might offer in the way of help and support.
I found this forum yesterday and am grateful.
I've been dating a man for more than a year now. He is a dear, childhood friend with whom I reconnected two summers ago. He's an alcoholic. I am totally ill-equipped in this and am seeking help and support from those with experience around this problem.
It's been several months since the first episode. He promised then it would "never happen again." Then, there were several others that followed and his behavior towards me turned mean and abusive.
I confronted him and engaged him every time and have since been made aware that it is best not to confront or engage an alcoholic when he/she is drunk. Horrible things were said and done, and I was left feeling confused and crazy and hurt.
A friend suggested I try Al Anon. It's been very helpful, as have the various pamphlets and books and online articles about alcoholism.
I don't have a single friend or family member that supports my relationship with this man anymore.
I know he has been dishonest and even cruel. And, just as i have read other accounts herein, my boyfriend has a totally different side. The side I love.
He has made promise after promise and when he keeps them, it feels so good and right. He professes so much love and care and want for me. And then he seems to slip, and all the promises are broken and the professions of love are empty.
I feel stuck. I also feel like I am getting unstuck. Slowly.
We live 100 miles apart. Last night I was sure he had been drinking. I am starting to recognize the signs. Slurred speech. Long gaps of silence. Ambiguous and even baiting comments. He was a horrible all over again last night.
This morning I awoke to an apologetic text message but no acknowledgement of the drinking. He will not admit when he has been drinking!
How do I navigate this? He goes in and out of AA meetings, but he is not consistent in his efforts.
I feel myself pulling away (painfully) when I believe he is lying to me and when he is so mean. He is NOT a nice drunk. I have never known anyone personally to be so unkind and abusive while under the influence of alcohol.
What do you do when someone you love and sleep with lies to you about the fact that he is or has been drinking? How is it best to navigate this? Can someone suggest how best to communicate with this man when he is in the midst of a drinking spell? He calls me continually and erratically and hangs up on me and then seems to forget the horrible things he said just minutes ago. It is torture to be entwined in this! Lastly, aside from telling me to RUN, how is it best to respond to him when he is rested and apologetic? He apologizes for the things he said but will not admit to the drinking.
Thank you in advance for anything you might offer in the way of help and support.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Welcome to SR, Meadowbrook. You'll find a lot of support here. We have a forum for the loved ones of alcoholics that I think you'll find very helpful. Here's a link...
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope you'll check it out. You'll find a lot of people dealing with some of the exact things you are and receive a lot of support.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope you'll check it out. You'll find a lot of people dealing with some of the exact things you are and receive a lot of support.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Welcome to SR Medowbrook 
Yes, my first impulse upon reading was to tell you to run, so I'm not sure what else I can add.
If you stay you need to face the possibility that things may not get better - they may even get worse.
Have you thought of AlAnon for yourself at all?
D
Yes, my first impulse upon reading was to tell you to run, so I'm not sure what else I can add.
If you stay you need to face the possibility that things may not get better - they may even get worse.
Have you thought of AlAnon for yourself at all?
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I too would tell you to run, so don't know what else to say except 'brace yourself for a bumpy ride' cause it always gets worse.
As for how to deal with him sober... well, I wouldn't want to deal with him at all given his erratic personality. I'd find it hard to be with someone I couldn't trust. (I know, I've been there and am done with that)
As for how to deal with him sober... well, I wouldn't want to deal with him at all given his erratic personality. I'd find it hard to be with someone I couldn't trust. (I know, I've been there and am done with that)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Originally Posted by Meadowbrook 
What do you do when someone you love and sleep with lies to you about the fact that he is or has been drinking? How is it best to navigate this? Can someone suggest how best to communicate with this man when he is in the midst of a drinking spell? He calls me continually and erratically and hangs up on me and then seems to forget the horrible things he said just minutes ago. It is torture to be entwined in this! Lastly, aside from telling me to RUN, how is it best to respond to him when he is rested and apologetic? He apologizes for the things he said but will not admit to the drinking.
Thank you in advance for anything you might offer in the way of help and support.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Meadowbrook
Hello
I found this forum yesterday and am grateful.
I've been dating a man for more than a year now. He is a dear, childhood friend with whom I reconnected two summers ago. He's an alcoholic. I am totally ill-equipped in this and am seeking help and support from those with experience around this problem.
It's been several months since the first episode. He promised then it would "never happen again." Then, there were several others that followed and his behavior towards me turned mean and abusive.
I confronted him and engaged him every time and have since been made aware that it is best not to confront or engage an alcoholic when he/she is drunk. Horrible things were said and done, and I was left feeling confused and crazy and hurt.
A friend suggested I try Al Anon. It's been very helpful, as have the various pamphlets and books and online articles about alcoholism.
I don't have a single friend or family member that supports my relationship with this man anymore.
I know he has been dishonest and even cruel. And, just as i have read other accounts herein, my boyfriend has a totally different side. The side I love.
He has made promise after promise and when he keeps them, it feels so good and right. He professes so much love and care and want for me. And then he seems to slip, and all the promises are broken and the professions of love are empty.
I feel stuck. I also feel like I am getting unstuck. Slowly.
We live 100 miles apart. Last night I was sure he had been drinking. I am starting to recognize the signs. Slurred speech. Long gaps of silence. Ambiguous and even baiting comments. He was a horrible all over again last night.
This morning I awoke to an apologetic text message but no acknowledgement of the drinking. He will not admit when he has been drinking!
How do I navigate this? He goes in and out of AA meetings, but he is not consistent in his efforts.
I feel myself pulling away (painfully) when I believe he is lying to me and when he is so mean. He is NOT a nice drunk. I have never known anyone personally to be so unkind and abusive while under the influence of alcohol.
What do you do when someone you love and sleep with lies to you about the fact that he is or has been drinking? How is it best to navigate this? Can someone suggest how best to communicate with this man when he is in the midst of a drinking spell? He calls me continually and erratically and hangs up on me and then seems to forget the horrible things he said just minutes ago. It is torture to be entwined in this! Lastly, aside from telling me to RUN, how is it best to respond to him when he is rested and apologetic? He apologizes for the things he said but will not admit to the drinking.
Thank you in advance for anything you might offer in the way of help and support.
I found this forum yesterday and am grateful.
I've been dating a man for more than a year now. He is a dear, childhood friend with whom I reconnected two summers ago. He's an alcoholic. I am totally ill-equipped in this and am seeking help and support from those with experience around this problem.
It's been several months since the first episode. He promised then it would "never happen again." Then, there were several others that followed and his behavior towards me turned mean and abusive.
I confronted him and engaged him every time and have since been made aware that it is best not to confront or engage an alcoholic when he/she is drunk. Horrible things were said and done, and I was left feeling confused and crazy and hurt.
A friend suggested I try Al Anon. It's been very helpful, as have the various pamphlets and books and online articles about alcoholism.
I don't have a single friend or family member that supports my relationship with this man anymore.
I know he has been dishonest and even cruel. And, just as i have read other accounts herein, my boyfriend has a totally different side. The side I love.
He has made promise after promise and when he keeps them, it feels so good and right. He professes so much love and care and want for me. And then he seems to slip, and all the promises are broken and the professions of love are empty.
I feel stuck. I also feel like I am getting unstuck. Slowly.
We live 100 miles apart. Last night I was sure he had been drinking. I am starting to recognize the signs. Slurred speech. Long gaps of silence. Ambiguous and even baiting comments. He was a horrible all over again last night.
This morning I awoke to an apologetic text message but no acknowledgement of the drinking. He will not admit when he has been drinking!
How do I navigate this? He goes in and out of AA meetings, but he is not consistent in his efforts.
I feel myself pulling away (painfully) when I believe he is lying to me and when he is so mean. He is NOT a nice drunk. I have never known anyone personally to be so unkind and abusive while under the influence of alcohol.
What do you do when someone you love and sleep with lies to you about the fact that he is or has been drinking? How is it best to navigate this? Can someone suggest how best to communicate with this man when he is in the midst of a drinking spell? He calls me continually and erratically and hangs up on me and then seems to forget the horrible things he said just minutes ago. It is torture to be entwined in this! Lastly, aside from telling me to RUN, how is it best to respond to him when he is rested and apologetic? He apologizes for the things he said but will not admit to the drinking.
Thank you in advance for anything you might offer in the way of help and support.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Meadowbrook.
I fell in love with my best friend many years ago, and she felt the same way. It just wasn't the "right time" for me. (I've since learned that I don't even know what "right time" means.)
After several years without communicating with each other, I decided to contact her in the hope that she was single and still felt the same way. I did this shortly after my three-year relapse had begun. We moved in together after about six months of dating. Though she caught on to my drinking pretty quickly, she was willing to at first turn a blind eye to it, and then still give me a chance when she put my cards on her table.
I'm not a screamer, and I didn't abuse her physically or verbally, but my drinking behavior was nonetheless abusive on its own merits. Lying, being irresponsible, not being there fore her...and more.
In less than a year, I managed to turn this intelligent, successful, caring and emotionally stable woman into a suspicious, homicidal and paranoid mess. When our relationship came to its inevitable end, with her placing my belongings on the wrong side of a front door with freshly changed locks, she also communicated to me that I should never contact her again.
She was in the hospital a few months later, and consented to my coming to see her. After six months of sobriety, I emailed my amends to her. She didn't take my calls, and I wasn't going to block my number to trick her into answering her phone. Since that time in the hospital, I never heard from her again. That was over two-and-a-half years ago.
That she was able to do this for herself, to move on with a healthy life, to put back together all her broken pieces, was indicative of why I loved her. She had the courage and the strength to remove herself from a harmful and abusive situation. Not many people can do that, but I imagine those who do are in a much better place.
I fell in love with my best friend many years ago, and she felt the same way. It just wasn't the "right time" for me. (I've since learned that I don't even know what "right time" means.)
After several years without communicating with each other, I decided to contact her in the hope that she was single and still felt the same way. I did this shortly after my three-year relapse had begun. We moved in together after about six months of dating. Though she caught on to my drinking pretty quickly, she was willing to at first turn a blind eye to it, and then still give me a chance when she put my cards on her table.
I'm not a screamer, and I didn't abuse her physically or verbally, but my drinking behavior was nonetheless abusive on its own merits. Lying, being irresponsible, not being there fore her...and more.
In less than a year, I managed to turn this intelligent, successful, caring and emotionally stable woman into a suspicious, homicidal and paranoid mess. When our relationship came to its inevitable end, with her placing my belongings on the wrong side of a front door with freshly changed locks, she also communicated to me that I should never contact her again.
She was in the hospital a few months later, and consented to my coming to see her. After six months of sobriety, I emailed my amends to her. She didn't take my calls, and I wasn't going to block my number to trick her into answering her phone. Since that time in the hospital, I never heard from her again. That was over two-and-a-half years ago.
That she was able to do this for herself, to move on with a healthy life, to put back together all her broken pieces, was indicative of why I loved her. She had the courage and the strength to remove herself from a harmful and abusive situation. Not many people can do that, but I imagine those who do are in a much better place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 4
Wow. Words cannot express the extent of my gratitude to all. Thank you.
I went to my first Al Anon meeting just over one week ago and have been back once since. The experience of Al Anon gave me the insight to do some research and, therein, I found all of you.
This is a GODsend.
The time each of you has taken to respond to my post is beyond meaningful!
It has felt like a kind of darkness has come over my life, and I have been missing the light. I am beginning to understand this disease and my part in this relationship. I have surrendered to the truth and am digging deep for the strength to do what is healthy and honorable. As weak as I am in moments, the stretches of time where I am strong are getting longer. I am deriving strength from all of you.
Thank you thank you thank you.
I went to my first Al Anon meeting just over one week ago and have been back once since. The experience of Al Anon gave me the insight to do some research and, therein, I found all of you.
This is a GODsend.
The time each of you has taken to respond to my post is beyond meaningful!
It has felt like a kind of darkness has come over my life, and I have been missing the light. I am beginning to understand this disease and my part in this relationship. I have surrendered to the truth and am digging deep for the strength to do what is healthy and honorable. As weak as I am in moments, the stretches of time where I am strong are getting longer. I am deriving strength from all of you.
Thank you thank you thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Tucson
Posts: 5
Hey, I do have to say congratulations on not drinking WITH him...that whole 'if you can't beat 'em join 'em' mentally happens far to often. Happened to me and now I'm on this forum trying to deal with my own problem and he's dead.
In my experience I would only have grim news, I grew up with an alcoholic father who I tried to get to quit my whole life all the way up to his untimely death in a car wreck, the boyfriend I spent a lot of time trying to him him to quit, then a boyfriend trying to get *me* to quit, and now I husband I'm trying to get to quit he just sneaks it.
The only advice I can give is to hope he realizes the damage he's causing to your relationship, his physical health and his life in general.
In my experience I would only have grim news, I grew up with an alcoholic father who I tried to get to quit my whole life all the way up to his untimely death in a car wreck, the boyfriend I spent a lot of time trying to him him to quit, then a boyfriend trying to get *me* to quit, and now I husband I'm trying to get to quit he just sneaks it.
The only advice I can give is to hope he realizes the damage he's causing to your relationship, his physical health and his life in general.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Welcome meadowbrook. I have to agree with others who said run. Also, what would you say to a friend who told you the same story you told us? Try to think about that and take that advice. You deserve so much more.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Leeds
Posts: 399
I honestly think nobody except the alcoholic can get them to quit. It has to come from yourself. People told me my problem was hurting them and I ignored them, it needs to come from the person themself. You need to do it for yourself. It least that's what I think. So your support will never push him to quit, it has to be his decision.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 4
I have reflected on what I would tell a friend if she/he were to share with me what I have shared with you. My answer? R-U-N.
I have two daughters. Thankfully, they are grown and have made healthy, sound choices regarding dating and men. I would be sick, angry and even fearful if I knew them to be in a situation like this one.
For some reason (and I am beginning to get clarity on the reason) I don't demand for myself what I would for my own children! I'm so damn stuck, and I'm hanging on to something that doesn't serve me or those who are most important in my life. I know that. I get it. I get that I may be "addicted to the addict" and that impacts me profoundly! It scares me.
While he looks me in the eyes and swears he is not drinking, I know in my belly he is lying. He has lied before. Countless times. About little and BIG things. Some of the lies have been exposed, and some I just know. I have forgiven him and believed (hoped) things would be different going forward. Every, single time. He has accused me of doing the very things he has done. He has violated my privacy, hacked into all of my computers and accounts, gone digging for things that he would never find because they don't exist! Yet, he's managed to point the finger at me as if I have done so much wrong. I have been left to question myself, to doubt my own heart and spirit of intent, and I feel so weak!
Then, I have spurts of strength and self worth, and I disengage. But it's not lasting. He gets me back every time. I remind myself of our long history, of our sweet connection, of his moments of sweetness and promise, and I fall back in all over again. And the cycle of insanity continues.
He is very convincing when he apologizes and makes promises and professions of great "love" bla bla bla. I get it I get it I get it. But, I also don't get it. I feel crazy! Tortured. And every time it starts to feel like it might just all be a horrible nightmare, reality strikes again.
My life is blessed with love of family and good friends (and a fabulous dog), all of whom are sick of this toxic relationship. All who say what you all have said here. I was in an Al Anon meeting, and someone said "be careful of who you turn to, because while they might have good intention, they could be offering advice that isn't helpful." I have been advised to seek help and support from a body of people who GET IT. I found YOU.
I am slow to detangle from this web of crazy making...but I can feel myself detangling.
Thank you.
I have two daughters. Thankfully, they are grown and have made healthy, sound choices regarding dating and men. I would be sick, angry and even fearful if I knew them to be in a situation like this one.
For some reason (and I am beginning to get clarity on the reason) I don't demand for myself what I would for my own children! I'm so damn stuck, and I'm hanging on to something that doesn't serve me or those who are most important in my life. I know that. I get it. I get that I may be "addicted to the addict" and that impacts me profoundly! It scares me.
While he looks me in the eyes and swears he is not drinking, I know in my belly he is lying. He has lied before. Countless times. About little and BIG things. Some of the lies have been exposed, and some I just know. I have forgiven him and believed (hoped) things would be different going forward. Every, single time. He has accused me of doing the very things he has done. He has violated my privacy, hacked into all of my computers and accounts, gone digging for things that he would never find because they don't exist! Yet, he's managed to point the finger at me as if I have done so much wrong. I have been left to question myself, to doubt my own heart and spirit of intent, and I feel so weak!
Then, I have spurts of strength and self worth, and I disengage. But it's not lasting. He gets me back every time. I remind myself of our long history, of our sweet connection, of his moments of sweetness and promise, and I fall back in all over again. And the cycle of insanity continues.
He is very convincing when he apologizes and makes promises and professions of great "love" bla bla bla. I get it I get it I get it. But, I also don't get it. I feel crazy! Tortured. And every time it starts to feel like it might just all be a horrible nightmare, reality strikes again.
My life is blessed with love of family and good friends (and a fabulous dog), all of whom are sick of this toxic relationship. All who say what you all have said here. I was in an Al Anon meeting, and someone said "be careful of who you turn to, because while they might have good intention, they could be offering advice that isn't helpful." I have been advised to seek help and support from a body of people who GET IT. I found YOU.
I am slow to detangle from this web of crazy making...but I can feel myself detangling.
Thank you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
