courage2

Fallow, I'm glad you're still coming to SR & take it as a sign than some part of you knows you needs support, sobriety, and recovery. That's what we're all here for. I just hope you realize it sooner rather than later. Your wife, your daughter, and your child on the way deserve the best dad they can have.

Delilah1

Hi Fallow, I am back today and trying again as well. I agree with you about the journey. I think we take something from all of our experiences: the good, the bad and the ugly!! Hope to see both of us on here!

Fallow

I'm 35 right now. Yes in nine months my life really took a turn for the much better. My wife and I get along pretty great now. A lot of that was me learning about recovery and al-anon stuff I think. I lost a ton of weight and got back in great shape. I haven't smoked a cigarette since December. Mental health wise I feel more at peace with myself than I have in my adult life. A lot of that is thanks to sobriety and all of the great people on SR.

Really life is going great. My daughter is healthy, and happy. And beautiful.
We have another baby on the way.
I think when I got that surprise news it really created an emotional tsunami. Every emotion in the book for sure. My sobriety was hanging by a thread with all that emotion going. My wife is ok with me drinking just not getting drunk or being mean etc.
Which I am not doing anyway.

I got a friend who's in the hospital today. He's been having alcohol withdrawal seizures again. He got out of the hospital 2 days ago after seizing earlier in the week and started drinking again. Hiding it from his family. They are trying to get him a bed in a rehab and he can't stay sober long enough to keep out of the ER. I really think he is gonna die. He is the same age as me. Its very sad.
I feel awful for his wife. I've been friends with her over 10 years.

Maybe I don't think I'm an alcoholic or bad enough that I have to never have a drink. Maybe I am just getting through a stressful time. Maybe I like reading and posting here because it helps my life. Even if I still drink. I don't know. I'll think on it and read some of my old posts.

You all are great, really. Thank you. Happy Sunday

jaynie04

Hi Fallow,

I was really struck by your post. In the first half you outline all of the wonderful things sobriety brought you.

THe second half you segue to a friend who has lost everything because of drinking.

I applaud you for being here and posting, I think it is courageous. Something is jumping off the page to me, maybe because it was the reason I quit.

I didn't quit because I had lost everything, I quit because I had a lot to lose.

Jeni26

Fallow, I don't know all your history, but just reading this thread shows me there are an awful lot of people who do. People who have travelled part of the journey with you and who are really concerned.
I've no doubt there are those who can drink moderately. Listening to what Dee and RAL are saying, they don't believe you are one of them. Why are you so determined to drink? You have listed the improvements in your life since you got sober. What are they since you started drinking again? Or are you simply hanging on now and hoping you don't lose what you've gained? The rewards of sobriety just keep mounting up the longer you keep going.
The story of your friend is tragic.
Don't let that be your story Fallow. X

LadyBlue0527

Fallow, I am so glad that you came back! You recognize that you need this. One part of your last post struck me:

Same with my husband. This is attempt 4 for me and I am 2 weeks shy of 5 months. On attempt 3 he spoke the words "I wish you could just limit yourself and have a good time. Not get to the point where you're not yourself and then get angry, you ruin your own good time". Boy, did I ever take that one and run with it. But I can do that, oh yes, yes indeed, I can do that, I promise! I did ok for a while, as most of us do. Then it just went back to the same old same old but this time it was worse. Before he didn't know who he was going to end up with at the end of the night. Could have been ok, might not be. The last time through, towards the end, he pretty much knew every single weekend what was going to happen. It was inevitable. We lived a great life Sunday through Thursday then Friday came and all hell broke loose. I quit on May 27th of this year and within a month I hear the words come out of his mouth "I wish you could just........." and I shut him up quickly, looked at him and said "I can't, that's the point, ever".

Getting drunk and mean isn't something that magically disappears if you promise not to. Just like making the decision that you're going to moderate. These are decisions that are made while sober. We know what happens with those decisions after we have just enough drinks. They fly out the window. Just like the addiction itself it keeps getting worse. Some recent soul searching brought me to the realization that my anger and being mean had nothing to do with my husband. It was me justifying my drinking, squelching my anger at myself for doing it, and deferring the anger onto things that he did so that I didn't have to face it.

Please, realize that the only way to not get drunk and be mean is to not drink. It might seem like you can do it at first but it doesn't last.

jaynie04

Lady Blue....interesting point. The first thread I ever started was called Using the Naivete of Loved Ones, and I spoke directly about that being a huge trigger for me.

I had a therapist say to me once during a period of sobriety, "everybody slips", two days later I was back at it.

When someone says to me "oh you weren't that bad, you just need to be more careful" ...I've never mainlined but boy it is like I can feel those comments go into my blood. It is like they have an almost physical effect on me. So powerful, and to me there lies the distinction between me and a normie.

If someone told me "everyone eats 4 bags of frozen brussel sprouts" it would be a comment, pure and simple. But if someone said "everyone drinks 2 bottles of wine a night"..it feels visceral, like a call to action.

Aiko

Fallow

You never should compare with anybody we are all different, no more no less than you.
If you have been 9 MONTHS IS A GREAT ACHIEVEMENT.

Yo are ready today!!!
do not tell yourself different!!!
You have a long healthy life in front of you.
NEVER DOUBT IT

I have had fall backs and have been trying since 20/02/12.

This site is a great place to be.
We all will help you!!!

wiscsober

sometimes just bringing the body to the table is good enough.

foolsgold66

Fine post. Newcomers, if you can't say anything, just say hi I'm here, I'm reading. We want to see a zillion of those a day. Some of that zillion will succeed. Break the ice, we aren't allowed to bite, at least not hard...

Fallow

That's a great quote there Jaynie. Powerful.


Jeni those are all great questions that I really need to come to terms with.

foolsgold66

I missed this one the first time around, thanks to jaynie for saying it, and OP for quoting it, I'll do it again because it sums up why I quit nicely too.

Personal experience, I could moderate for a while and not be a mean *******, but then I lost my grip on the moderation and was a mean ******* again. That wasn't fair to me or my loved ones, the vicious cycle or its affects on me and my loved ones...

pinkdog

Hi Fallow, I think it takes longer than 9 months to get to a really good sobriety. When you get enough issues resolved in life. For me, I had to get sober, then one by one resolve life's issues that stressed me. I think it is a journey. A process. I am aware that many people do not drink. They manage life's stresses, so it can be done. Very best wishes to you. Stick around.

Fallow

Still here sticking around. You know its funny I have participated on a few forums but never continued for this long.

I still drink though. I get the question 'why would you hang around a sobriety forum if you still drink? Or if you think you can moderate?' I get it. I like this forum because people are willing to ask the tough questions.

Its been more than a month. I have not gotten drunk, blacked out, or had a hangover. I have not had more than 3 drinks in a day on any day. I have typically drank 2 or 3 nights a week. I did go on vacation and drank 8/10 days but no more than 3. I enjoyed the vacation.

I still listen to speaker tapes all the time. Joe and Charlie talked about normies having a slightly tipsy out of control feeling when they had a couple of drinks. And the normies don't like that feeling so they don't drink anymore.

I can relate to that slightly tipsy out of control feeling. That buzz. I know I could drink more on certain nights too. Drink past that feeling to be completely out of control. But I don't have to. I know I'm not a normie of course.

My relationship with booze and drugs is long and complicated. And mostly over. In the months I was sober I think I found out I don't enjoy not being me. The person I am supposed to be. I like being in control of myself. That out of control feeling is a big warning not to cross that line.

You know in the past I always had to have a major blackout bender to go back on the wagon. Had to hang my head one more time. I think that's why for me its so hard to get sober all over again. Waiting for the bad news to happen first.

Since I am a father and husband I know I must get and stay clean. If for nothing but attempting to stay in top health. Its been fun but the writings on the wall.

Happy Sunday

Fallow

Just checkin in. Thanks for the well wishes I got. Im still ok. Wife is still crazy and expecting. Seriously its a joke. You know I certainly wish sometimes I hadn't lived the life that I have, but at the same time I love my life. I wouldn't wish for another. And what other story do I have? This sobriety recovery deal is a struggle but so is life. Maybe someday I will prevail and be squeaky clean. But maybe not. If I live for anything its to show my kids that they are my number 1 priority in life. Its a tough deal to be hitting on all cylinders 24/7, and I haven't been. We'll see...

ReadyAtLast

How's it going Fallow? I'm glad to see you're still checking in

It's not an all or nothing, one chance Fallow. Ok you started drinking again but you can stop again too. You've proven that you can do it before. If your kids are your number 1priority then they deserve as sober you and you deserve it to. Read your posts when you first came here when you were on the brink of losing your wife and family because of your drinking. You can easily get back to that place if you keep drinking. Especially with all the stress of a new baby.Don't kid yourself otherwise.

Have you got a plan to quit? I'm not sure from your post if you are wantring to uit of just trying to moderate still, Maybe look at getting more support. I reallyhope you do this Fallow

LadyinBC

Welcome back Fallow!

desertsong

We have followed each other's journeys for some time, Fallow. I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know the particulars, but I do know where you're at right now because I've been there. I'm glad you came back, that is a good first step. Keep talking and sharing with people who understand. It took me 3 years of starting and stopping to finally get 10 months under my belt ... I will have a year on January 4th. Do I wish I'd figured this stuff out sooner? You bet I do. But it takes what it takes. Every time I went back out, I learned something new about myself and my drinking. The last time was when it all finally "clicked" and settled into my brain. Will I stay stopped forever? I don't know. But I know that I will today. That is all that matters.

Wishing all the best for you on your journey, and glad to see you again.

Fallow

I am doin ok. I'm overall pretty stressed out but makin it through. I just can't wait for the holiday season to be over with.

I do need some support I guess. I feel like I don't have any. Through the years all of my friends and I have gotten busy with work and families etc. and mostly it seems I am now alone. Sure my wife is there but she brings stress into my life rather than taking it away. Luckily I have been able to not respond to the emotional tsunami she is at the moment. But I am left pretty lonely right now.

I do plan on quitting drinking. Again. It was great while it lasted. I don't think I'll be returning to AA though just based on a lack of time. And a lack of fitting the mold. I liked the support I felt there though. I don't exactly have the plan yet but I am gonna take on the challenge here soon.

ReadyAtLast

It's good to see you back. I know what you mean about the holiday season but remember last year. We quit on 8th December and got through office parties, Christmas parties, Christmas & New year sober. I never thought in a million years I could do that . I just thought it would be easier to wait till New Year to quit. I look back now and realize that if I could get through the holiday season sober I could get through anything
You did too. You did it once, there is no reason why you can't do it again.

Maybe your wife is lonely too and in emotional turmoil. Maybe she can see the way your drinking is taking you away from her and she is worried,especially being pregnant. Pregnancy hormones can be all over the place anyway but if you're drinking again she may be even more worried. Drinking isn't going to solve anything or help the situation. I know it's sometimes easier to numb the emotional pain and problems but they will need addressing eventually and drinking isn't going to solve them. Maybe she's in emotional turmoil because she can see her marriage ending? It's not too late to try and reverse things but that can only be done by stopping drinking.As always, I hopeyou know my comments come from a place of care and concern for you Fallow

Maybe the F2F support in AA may help you especially if you feel alone but maybe look for additional support too. AVRT/RR or SMART? Perhaps join the December 2013 class when it starts next week as firm support to help you through the holiday season. Check in on us too