longbeachone

When you get the chance can you explain a bit more? I'm jumping to some pretty dramatic conclusions. My first instinct is to say get the **** out of there now!!

EndGameNYC

This is precisely the dynamic involved in abusive relationships. The abuser demands that the experience of the abused spouse isn't real and, in order to hold onto an illusion of safety, the abused spouse complies with the abuser's version of reality. It's complicit denial on both sides.

Fandy

well, your fear came across as real...and then the drama of not connecting with it. YOU need to decide what benefits you and if you want sobriety.

I assure you that people posting here are REAL with compassion and concern. I never doubted them and they have helped more than anything to achieve 2+ years sobriety. If I ever met them in person, I would tell them the same thing. I hope you decided what you want.

jaynie04

Fandy, I echo your sentiments. I think we all go through ebb and flow in our journey and when we are having a tough time it is time to lean into the support not out of it. I only started posting consistently recently and am very new to sobriety. A lot of us are struggling. Obviously there are a lot of other types of support besides SR, but Missy right now it sounds like surrounding yourself with as much help as possible is a good thing.

Everyone here has different issues, but we also have a lot of the same issues. Writing things down helps us stay clear when that nasty AV starts creeping in trying to do damage control.

Missy you probably know about the honeymoon phase in the circle of abuse, please don't believe that his guilt today will keep you safe in the future. You were scared, that was a very real and healthy emotion. Our instinct is to preserve the status quo because it is what we know....even if it is hurting us. Please don't isolate now, that will only further enmesh you in the cycle.

There are no shoulds or musts. If you come here and talk it helps you stay connected for your sanity.

Mountainmanbob

Dee74

I deal with thousands of threads. I have a good 'BS radar'.

I found your fear to be very real.
My concern for you and your safety was real too, Missy.

I hope you'll think about this very carefully - you're an intelligent woman - you know whether something happened or not.

I hope you'll look at the DV link I posted Missy

D

EndGameNYC

Excellent!

Marcher13

Missy there really is so much help out there.

amy55

Hi Missy,

I read what you wrote here. I think your first post was frantic. That you came here because you trust being here, that you didn't know where else to turn to. I'm glad that you did that, because you can trust this forum. We just want the best for you.

I want to tell you a little about me. I was in an abusive relationship. I was verbally abused, emotionally abused, physically abused, etc... and I was gaslighted, told that the things that I remembered were not true. I was drinking then, and whether I had 1 beer or 10 beers, he did have me believing him, until I started to write things down in a journal. When I was married, I belonged to a verbal abuse forum. I became so embarrassed about how I was being treated, that I stopped posting there. I would read there, I would say Happy Birthday to people there, but I couldn't post anymore.

We care about you here so much, please don't let that happen to you. I began to isolate myself, that is the worst thing you can do.

I mostly post now on the friends and family section here. They have many "double winners" there. Meaning I am an alcoholic, and I was married to one.

We do want to help you. I do believe your first post that you were terrified. I have a feeling that you may not be use to opening up about your marriage and what you are going through, or that you may be afraid to.

We are your friends here. Please let us know what is going on so we can help you. You can also post this info in the friends and family section here. If you are feeling really uncomfortable posting it, you can also PM me. I really do care about you.

kadidee

But it was real and you were terrified, and thankfully you posted here for support. I was married to a man who told me I was 'crazy' when I tried to discuss his abusive behavior. He would yell 'that is not reality'. I didn't tell anyone, not even family, what was going on and continued to isolate myself. Eventually, even in my journal writing, I began to assume his 'reality' because I so desperately wanted it to be true. I just wanted it to be okay. But it was very much NOT okay.

As you can see from the responses to your post, many people here on this forum understand what you are going through. It is a safe place. Please keep posting. Hugs to you.

amy55

kadidee,

I actually felt the same way. I kind of wanted his reality to be real, because it meant that it was a problem with me, and if it was, then that was something that I could fix.

It wasn't until I did start to open up to some of my friends that I found out that my reality was real, and that I couldn't fix things. I didn't want to hear about abuse, didn't want to know about it. I just wanted to fix things.

((((((((((Missy))))))))) hugs to you.

kadidee

Me too, Amy. Your first post to Missy above resonates so much--thank you for sharing that here. Hugs back to you

Missy7

I've got him out on the tractor this morning so I have a chance to read these.

Remember, he has just lost his job. He's around all the time.

I'm knitting a lot. School will get going soon and I'll be out of the house much of the time.

He has always had was we called a serious "anger" problem. But he hasn't "raged" for a couple of years. What he did the other night is "rage" while driving us home. We had both had a few drinks--his unemployment has made me fail. When I fail, he drinks. He says he is not an alcoholic, but I think he is. He remembers less and less.

I very much appreciate your responses, and the problem was genuine. So genuine that I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. It is miraculous that he didn't kill us. I would guess we were driving 80 or 90 in and out of lanes...I tried to tape it on my phone but he made me throw the phone into the back seat. I don't know why he finally stopped. I honestly think he doesn't remember. I think he was in a blackout.

And that is scary. He has controlled his "anger" better in the past months but apparently it's still there. In a thread I started a few weeks ago I asked whether blackout behavior was genuine. I guess this qualifies for consideration.

So he has lost his job (his fault) and now I expect him to act out because of the tension. I guess I'm in for some good times.

He is always an aggressive driver, and his argument is that I was responding to that, but I remember the engine whining out and dashing between lanes. I'm no screaming mimi...I'm from the 70s and have driven in muscle cars at very high speeds. I don't think I freaked out at 65. My normal behavior is to fall asleep on the way home.

I finally got him to stop and get out of the car. He walked off and I got into the drivers seat and drove away. I meant to leave him there, but got weak. I went back and found him.

There are other "reality" stories...too much for here.

Thanks guys. I appreciate the term gaslight, and he and I have had much therapy on his "anger" issue. Our main therapist said she couldn't help us. That was years ago.

In some ways he is a good man. But once in a while he is a monster.

Fandy

and this good man/angry drunk driver could have killed you or others.
i'm sorry he lost his job, so have many others....he will start drinking more during the day, i would bet $$on it.
don't put up with his poor me attitude...and don't drive when either of you have had "a few" drinks! throw a nice dui into this mess and you will compound your problems, could injure others and i think it will cost you about 10k.
please be careful and take care of yourself.

Anna

Missy, my suggestion is to take care of yourself and find a Women's Shelter where you can be safe and rebuild your life. You don't need to remain in such a dangerous, volatile situation.

neferkamichael

MissyNef, rootin for ya.

amy55

Missy ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))


Just for now, know that we believe you. Know that you can talk to us. Know that you are not crazy, and his anger is not your fault.

I don't know if you had any support previously for what you are going through with his "anger" issues, just know that you do now.

I know when I found out that I actually did have support and that someone actually believed me, I felt a feeling of "calm". I had to let it sink in for awhile, perhaps for a few days or so, but then I felt so relieved, this was when I started to reach out for help.

Just know that I care, and I do believe you, and anything you tell me, or us, will not shock us. We are here for you.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

frances2011

Missy, my friend, thank you for sharing this story.

I'm so sorry this happened.

Inbox me if you'd like and I'll send you my cell number. I don't have the experience some of the folks here have, but I'm standing firmly on the Sane side of the street.

You have my support to be safe and live a happy life.