gpat1979

Today I am sitting at work unable to face my employees or customer's. All I can think about is if I will drink tonight. I don't want to, but I know the minute I get off, I will have that voice inside of me that says. " It' okay, your off tommorrow." The problem is that EVERY night I have some excuse or rationalization for why I should go home and drink till I pass out. I am so tired of being an alcoholic!! It is making me physically sick, emotionally deppressed and filled with anxiety ALL the time. I just can't seem to break the cycle. I can quit for one day and then "reward" myself the next. How sick!?!? I have been binge drinking for 6 years and I can't go on anymore. But that voice is always in the back of my mind. "It's okay for tonight...I will quit next week." Word of encouragement would be helpful. Anyone else losing their mind.

PippoRossi

Hi, gpat. I feel your pain. I've been in your shoes and it's not an easy place to be. The only words of encouragement I can give you is that it does get better, I promise. Those voices in your head? Eventually they quiet down, but it will take a lot of time and work on your part. Do you think you are ready to put in the effort it is going to take?

RobbyRobot

Welcome to SR!

You're experiencing addiction ambivalence - in simple terms wanting to both drink and not drink all at the same time. Its a process which must run to its completion for you to get to the other side of your addiction - which is in being recovered. I went thru it too - tough times indeed - now I'm recovered and my ambivalence is ended. Zero struggle with addiction.

You can make it thru your struggle too! That voice will go silent eventually, and while you work thru the process just know that your efforts are not in vain - each time you don't return to drinking you get all the stronger and all the closer to ending your struggles once and for all!

gpat1979

I think so. I hope so. I don't know. I have lived alone and far away from my family for the duration of my drinking. My parents are very worried about me and I am trying to move back home for their support. If I do, I will lose my job and all health insurance. But I feel like I need be Home. I know that wont cure me, and it might make things worse. I don't know anymore. The few hours after work when I drink are the only hours of the day when I am happy.....but those same hours are making me miserable.

PippoRossi

Great advice, Robby!

Bebetter

It doesn't sound like you are happy for those few hours you drink every night. It sounds more like you are just forgetting that you are [insert here: sad, lonely, depressed, bored, frustrated, anxious...]. I went from November 2012 to the end of June 2013 saying the same thing as you say to yourself every day. At the end of June, I binged a final time, got in a huge fight with my husband, endangered my child and the next day, actually stuck to my promise from the night before and did not drink. And I haven't drank since, and I have to say that the habit of drinking is completely gone. It's been gone for about 6 weeks now, and the voice only comes up at odd times - not habitually like it did for month after month. I'm so glad to be free of that voice every day, and every day, feeling like a failure for not stopping myself from having that first drink.

It is so freeing. The problem with giving into the voice that tells you it's okay to drink is that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy - you will drink, you will feel worse about yourself because you are going against what your healthy self wants, that lowers your self-respect and your ability to listen to yourself, and then you'll be less likely to confront the voice the next day. I found that breaking that cycle and sticking through the awful feelings for just a few days made saying no easier and easier the next day. It's like lifting weights - the more you do it, the easier it gets, and you'll be better prepared in tough situation that come up. Do something completely different tonight - don't even go home - go see a movie or take a really long walk somewhere, come home tired and tell yourself any story possible to not have that drink.

PippoRossi

gpat - That's great if your parents can be a great support system for you. Jobs come and go; you don't get that luxury with your health. It might be worth a try. If it doesn't work out, you could always find another job.

RobbyRobot

Yeah, I hear that, gpat, you have a sense of some challenges on your plate- good for you! You already know, I'm thinking, some changes are going to happen to make things easier going on your struggles, and yet perhaps not easier too. Again this doubts are all about the process of ambivalence - gets really crazy, eh?!

A great method to make important choices thru all this is by discussing and your doing exactly that - way awesome!

I can tell you this even though I don't know you I do know about addiction and being recovered - your job is not as important as your recovery - and if you believe your family is supportive then by all means let that understanding from them help you out by really considering if moving back home is helpful for you quitting. After you have successfully quit you can make new choices on where you live if needed.

Its difficult to make choices right now and hopefully you can see how talking about choices really does help when we are struggling.

AlefVavResh

Oh, I know it so well!

Spend some time reading SR. You will find many stories that resonate with your own. So much so that it will probably overwhelm you at first.

If going home and getting rest is what you need then it is what you should do. However, keeping the health insurance will open the door for a doctor visit (which you should schedule now) and detox options. And if the parents will drive you crazy, you should think it through. It may be better to find sober friends and friends in recovery. Losing your job might not be helpful to your mental health.

When I popped in here this morning, I couldn't believe it was only 10:30 my time. I've gotten so much done that I don't even feel guilty for taking time to visit SR. Feeling proud of my accomplishments and spending time in SR are helping me keep my sobriety date.

When you go home tonight (or when you drive by the dreaded liquor store) think about how crappy you feel right now. Focus on it. Then pop on SR instead.

Nuudawn

Ya..I was. Sobriety is bringing it back. I too slogged through everyday to get home and uncork that wine. I too believed that all my happiness existed in that bottle. It felt like the only respite to the meaninglessness of my life. Thing is...it was the alcohol making me life so very meaningless. It was a defeating cycle. Taking that first sip was liking putting on a pair of rose coloured glasses..ah..relief. I'd come home from work, open that wine...and slowly fade into some benign oz of my own mind. I'd putter a bit..and then sink into my couch...and drink..until it was time to pass out. Day after day. Oh sometimes I would take my 'oz" outdoors and make a right arse of myself...then climb into my truck ...endangering myself and the world around me....and somehow get myself home. I shudder to remember.

Crawl out of the bottle. The world is a better place.

firstymer

It's exhausting gpat, isn't it? Constantly thinking about not drinking? Physically and mentally exhausting. For me, at Day 9, it has been like running up a hill. It is particularly steep at the bottom, where you are at. But with each day, it seems to get less steep and even, sometimes, to begin to level off. If you drink again, it's liking rolling back to the bottom of the hill and having to run up the steepest part, over and over again. But if you can stick with it, you will find that it DOES get less difficult with each passing day. And you will find that the experiences, and the "view" gets better and better the farther up the hill you can get. Hang in there. We are all in this together.

lessgravity

Great post Nuu, well written and so on point.

Life is better

Stay strong.

gpat1979

Thank you all for kindness and advice. I have used alcohol to cope with my problems for so long that I am unsure of how to address life's obstacles without it. Each day is spent mired in depression, anxiety and self loathing. I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety years ago and have been on every combination SSRI/Benzo possible. Clearly the Benzo's are not the answer and further complicate my situation. I am at a point where every moment I'm awake brings more and more anxiety. I even tend to invent things to worry about. Again, thanks for the responsed and advice. I know what I need to do (NOT DRINK) but am finding it very difficult to make the commitment.

gpat1979

Next week I am moving back home and will live with my parents. My mother, who dealt with my Alcoholic father until his death is very worried that I will follow in his footsteps...as am I!! Drinking has been my "Friend" my "Confidant" my escape for so long I am worried that the "Geographical Cure" I am seeking will not work. I have to do this for my Mother, but most importantly for myself...I know that. My mother has asked me to start taking Antabuse because she fears for my life. Has anyone else taken this drug? I know I shouldn't be asking for medical advise but I am unsure of its efficacy.
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Melina

gpat- I haven't taken Antabuse but I wanted to thank you for this thread. It popped up at exactly the right time for me.

For the first time in 17 days sober my AV started yapping at me a few hours ago. This was just what I needed to read to tell it to get out - I feel a lot calmer now and I will not drink. I wanted to get out of my head but alcohol is not the answer for me. Turns out I was just really hungry. And now it's chamomile time til bed, that always helps me immensely.

Back to you, I'm sorry your Mom is worried. By taking the right steps in your recovery you will gain her trust over time. I hope somebody can chime in with some Antabuse experience.

I just wanted to give my thanks and encouragement to you. Please hang in there and stay sober. I wish you the best of luck and strength during your move!

gatorgirl67

Hope you're able to get the help you want/need home with your family. Please keep us posted on how you and your mom are doing.

Dee74

Hi gpat

you need to ask your Dr about medications.

Not all meds suit every occasion and not all meds suit everyone - speak with your Dr and see what they suggest - they may suggest meds...or they may have other ideas.

The important thing to remember is - you have the power here - if you want to stay sober - put in the effort - find support, make changes - personally I think that kind of approach is a sure fire winner

D

Hevyn

Hi gpat. I'm sorry I have no experience with antabuse, but I'm glad you posted to give us this update. We're all here for you as you make this big change in your life. You can get free of it and have a whole new beginning.

Eddiebuckle

In my experience, those hours were not when I was happy, they were when I wasn't conscious of my unhappiness.

Only you can decide for yourself what things will make it easier to get and stay sober, but do them as though your life depends on it. If you are an alcoholic, sooner or later your life will depend on it. Getting sober doesn't get easier the longer you continue drinking.

happyhour

gpat, sorry you are struggling. SR is going to be a good place for you, and all of us.

drinking disables our ability to decide what is best for ourselves, we basically know the things we should not do and that harm us, but we do them anyway - so, our overall decision making gets really indecisive and waffly.

i have had moments where i hand-wring over a decision to buy a shirt, the size, the color, do i have a coupon at home for this, is there a better store someplace else, etc, etc - only to return the darn thing the next day!

that is the alcohol.

you are going to find anxiety will subside, decisions become easier, you are less confused, you become more clear headed, you gain patience, and your overall coping skills improve - all of these dramatically lessen your anxiety. your most important step is to not drink, then the benefits and simplicity of a sober life will follow shortly thereafter, important word - "shortly"

thanks for this post, i can so relate, and it spoke to me so