Ptcapote

Ach, I am so sorry you're having a rough go of it right now. Alcohol definitely does kill your emotions and they come back up with vengeance when we stop. I had tons of anger to deal with and process and it was very hard some days. It WILL get better. It will even out.

Thinking of you...

Junegirl

Feeling quite a bit down here too. Hey, misery loves company so I'll jump in here. Panic attacks suck big time. Hang in there, Ache. Tomorrow will be better.

June

foolsgold66

Acheleus, I am sorry you are feeling so isolated but you have friends here. There are real people at keyboards talking to you here. No, you can't reach out and touch us, no you can't sit in a room with us, but this DOES count.

As to in-person friends, I know you have a job and you go to school. Just talk to people a little bit both places. Say hi, ask someone what they are reading, offer to help with a task, whatever. If you reach out a little bit, casually, and just start saying hello and talking to people, you will end up with a friend or two.

Nobody just gets handed friends, you have to do some interacting. I know you can do it.

Acheleus

I will try to reach out. I just assume people do not want anything to do with me. My dad is 73 and I don't want him to die. I am always scared that I will get a phone call from someone telling me he died. Then I will be alone and I won't be able to take care of myself. I'm just ******* terrified and I don't want to be here alone. I'm just taking deep breaths and trying to calm down.

Eleni58

Must be a full moon--I am having a rough weekend too--can't talk to anyone in my family about what I am going through--only can talk to SR people.

HERE'S A HUGE GROUP HUG)))))))

Junegirl

Ache hon, you *will* be able to take care of yourself no matter what happens. I totally get you on the fear of your dad dying. When I ever think about my mom passing I choke up right away. It's a terrible thing we have to come to grips with. Please don't waste precious time and energy on thinking about death. Why don't you write your dad a letter telling him what he means to you? Even if you don't give it to him, maybe it will help you feel better.

Hugs,

June

Plenny

That assumption is something I recognize right away as sabotaging behavior. Some say you attract what you put out, and if you put out that you attract nothing, well... You negate your chances of bringing people into your life. You seem like a very nice, sensitive person, and I think if you open up like you say you're going to, you'll be surprised...
I know what it's like to become comfortable in a cycle of self-denial. I struggle with it a lot. In new sobriety you're already going to be learning a new system, I bet letting go of that vicious cycle will fit naturally well with everything else. Good luck tonight, you're really not alone, you'll be in the thoughts of all these people at keyboards.

Acheleus

I don't know what happened to me. I lost my gf/best friend and now I feel like a piece of garbage, just a worthless thing that is invisible to other people. I need to pray and help myself. I hate that alcohol is everywhere, I never want to see it again.

Plenny

Yeah I know how you feel

sherman23

It's a roller coaster. I wept in my car yesterday after a work out, then today felt pretty good, then tonight anxious about the future of every aspect of my existence. Aaaargh!

Plenny

My first husband left me right after my dad died, and my family basically ignored me, and my friends stayed 'out of my way.' I felt like the **** of the earth. I thought there must have been something truly wrong with me to send everyone running from me even when I was in such pain and needed them. I slowly learned that yes, I was a wreck, but the people that I had been surrounded by were not understanding of what a person is like when their soul is ripping apart (Oh yeah, absolutely everyone in this part of the story is an alcoholic).
There were a few people that were in the woodwork during that time who actually cared and had no qualms about the pain and wreckage that was me. I slowly started seeing them, and all the fairweather friends and family members just disappeared, and those people in the woodwork came out and became my family.
It was such a painful process to go through alone. But it was so worth it to know the truth and find out just what kind of people I want on my team.
I hope you find your team, and use the alone time to strengthen your love for yourself so that they can find you.

Major hugs

Nuudawn

You are not garbage Acheleus...but yes, I know you feel that way. It breaks my heart the struggles you endure within your own mind.

I have posted a link to a song that although I had heard it a number of times, one day when running I really "heard" it. And somehow the words became words I was absorbing for myself...speaking to myself. I knew that I had to make my "self" ...my mind...my own interiors ...my home. It had been a very inhospitable place most of my life. I was my own worst enemy..and just plain old mean to ...me. This song spoke to me just this past January on that seawall..and I have been trying to make ME..my home...ever since.

Phillip Phillips - Home - YouTube

sherman23

My screen saver on my computer says:

Be nice to yourself, it's hard to be happy when someone's mean to you all the time!

This in response to Nuudawn's post....