Stormynights

I finally accepted I was an alcoholic last November and since then my longest stint of sobriety has been two and a half months. I have an almost two year old daughter and suffered from post pardom depression. I was on antidepressants, finally stopping 4 months ago. I had a liberating moment that I just needed to deal with my emotions and stop numbing myself. Around that time is when I decided accept myself for my demons and learn to deal with them. By then I was still drinking, but not with anyone who really knew me as I knew they wouldn't approve. I had stopped binging into the next day and dealt with the hangovers as punishment for drinking. I had begun to get my life on track (I work at a night club) and started going to school for Real Estate. I had minor binges but had been able to pull myself out and used them as motivation to be better. I also wouldn't even keep alcohol in the house. There had been plenty of urges, but I stuck to my "code".

Until the last 3 weeks. I have been juggling 3 men, all using them as a means to drink. I got intimate with one and didn't even remember. The worst part about this, I started spending less time with my daughter and more time partying. After a rough night on Wednesday I decided I was going to stop, and only spend time with my daughter. Her father and I broke up early after she was born for multiple reasons but one did include my drinking. Throughout all this binging and partying our relationship started getting better and I would admit to him that I was drinking when before I would lie so he wouldn't suspect anything. On Thursday morning, he brought me the baby and I had admitted to drinking. I didn't mention that I was still drunk and had bought a case of beer to get me through the day. I didn't end up going to work that night and used it as an excuse to hang out with my baby. I don't remember much of Thursday. I woke up on Friday at 7 am still very intoxicated. I left my sleeping daughter in her crib while I drove half a mile to the liquor store. I felt much better as I had my bloody mary and was going to take my daughter swimming at a friend's house. That never happened. I finally called my daughter's father to come pick her up. I had thrown up in a trash can and missed the trash and had gotten it all over the couch. We when he got there my daughter and I were both covered in vomit.

It is so hard for me to even send this, but I feel I need to hold myself accountable. Even through all this, I feel like I can't say I won't drink again. I feel like my daughter would be better off without me. I feel like I can't even trust myself.

ExWinoMom

Good for you for being honest. You're only an alcoholic, you're still her mum, she needs you. Trust me life for her would be a lot harder without you. The fact that you are coming clean here shows that you are a good mother. To yourself and to her.
One day at a time eh.

pinkdog

Dear stormy, your honesty is great. Maybe someone else can keep your daughter for awhile so you can detox. I'm glad you came here. It's a great forum. You will get lots of good advice.

ExWinoMom

Your rock bottom does not have to be a classic rock bottom by the way! A rock bottom can be when you decide to stop, even if you don't feel like you are willing.

Bubovski

You seem to know that you seriously need help.
Believe me, things only get worse and trickier over time.
Alcohol makes all problems all that more complex.
Your love for your daughter can help you in securing a real life.
Have you considered AA or some other fellowship?

Lionhearted1

Your not evil your just not well at the moment... Leaving your 2 year old sleeping whilst you drink drive to get more alcohol is bad and you need to let your ex care for your little girl until you detox and are sober whet would have happened if she vomited in her sleep or worse.. What about if you never made it home?? Please seek help and seek it quickly..

least

Welcome to SR! You've come to a very supportive community.

drunkyjules

It sounds like you know what you need to do. Is there anyway your ex can keep the baby while you focus on recovery and get a little sobriety under your belt? Is rehab or detox an option for you. AA is a great program to get sober and meet other people with the same problem that want to live sober.

I think the single most important factor in staying sober is the true desire to want to live a sober life. In the end I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sick of waking up feeling like ****, depressed, anxious, scared about how much I would drink.

Coming here and posting is a great step, now just take another step. How about just one day not drinking and see how you feel? Post here about it. Everyone wants to see you sober and you and your daughter deserve it.

Stormynights

My ex, parents and best friend have all offered their homes to me and I have been with them since yesterday. When I get to these lows, for a weeks, there is nothing anyone can do to get me to drink. It's after the novelty has worn off, that I repeat the cycle. It's when I convince myself and everyone else that3at I am okay is when I relapse. I have asked my family not to trust me anymore and in a few weeks to check up on me. This is the hardest part for me as I have craved independence since the day I was born, but since I have developed my addiction I can't trust myself anymore.

I have looked in AA and have been to some meetings. It was during my longest stretch of sobriety besides pregnancy so I'm willing to give it a shot again. Admitting to a bunch of strangers on the Internet is a first for me and coming back everyday to read posts instead of scrolling my drunk friends on Instagram seems like another step in the right direction.

pinkdog

Hi Stormy, I'm so glad to hear you have people around to help. Coming here was a great step for you. I'm proud of you. Keep coming back. We care.

Rogue

Stormy, you're headed in the right direction. Everyone on this site is non judge mental and very caring. I'm proud of you!

Eleni58

Stormy, I feel your deep pain. We are here for you but will be brutally honest with you in order to keep you on track.

Here's a HUGE HUG)))))))))))))

Stormynights

Thank you for support and the brutal honesty. I don't need "yes" people around me. I need to be held accountable.

Carlotta

The only rock bottom is death. Your bottom is as low as you will allow it to be.

ReadyAtLast

Welcome to SR. It;s great you realizeyou need help. Leaving your baby alone whilst you go out drunk driving is so dangerous on so many levels and I'm glad you realize it's not ok. If she was sick or there was a fire or something happened to her or you you'd never forgive yourself.Can her father look after her for a short while whilst you get treatment? Or maybe move in with your family for a short while?

If you don't get help it will get worse. Your child is at risk. Children do get removed from their parents care. It only takes 1 incident and the wheels will fall off. I have a young child too and know how hard it is. Maybe forget the 3 men in your life and concentrate on getting yourself better for you and for your child.

There are many recovery options,AA,SVRT,WFS,SMART or maybe counselling therapy inpatient detox etc.Can you see your doc?

MythOfSisyphus

AVRT helped me. It might help you. Something will help. You realize you need to change, that's an awesome first step. You just need some help.

Stormynights

Thank you, I have never heard of AVRT and it seems to be right up my alley. As I have expressed before I'm not an immediate threat. It's in a few weeks that I want to take that first drink again that I fear. It happens gradually and usually takes a few months before it gets really bad.

I let go of the men before I did this. I obviously have problems being alone, for the independent woman I claim to be.

CuteNGayYay

Stormy you sound A LOT like me I go 2 or 3 weeks then go on a 2 to 4 day binge. Then it takes 3 days to feel normal again. I have also been looking into AVRT. I did the crash course and have bought the book online and will read it immediately when I get it. Let's stick with this k? =) I'm on Day 8.