RJY9

Hi everyone!

Just returned from holiday and to say it was a great time would be a lie. I basically got so drunk on a mixture of spirits and beers that out of the dark depths of my alcoholism came a monster. I have planned to quit for good as i am now back and also as i have previously written on here and fully intend on keeping my promise to myself my family and this place.

I wont go into to too much detail but lets justs say that i can understand the saying 'you always hurt the ones you love' and this time was my parents. Everything was going so well untill one small negative was said to me and i flipped and basically went on a tyriad of abuse and was actually trying to split my parents up??? It scared me so much the next day that just couldnt work out where so much hatred and resentment had come from. I actually called my own mother a f***** c*** at the top of my voice. She was deeply hurt and i had alot of repairing to do. We continued with the holiday and despite everything we had a nice time but that awful horrifying feud was still in the back of everyones minds and was awkward to say the least. I realised what a monster i could become on that poison and maybe sub consciously my body was rebelling against my decision to quit but i have no understanding what could make me say such evil things to the people i love the most. Anyway here i am at day 1 and managed to pass the shop on the way home from work and not give in and now having a Sprite and big bag of Chocolate Fingers lol. I'm done with that life now and need to move forward to good and close the page on the past 15 years. I will come here everyday.

Mizzuno

HEllo. I remember your story. You were heading on a vacation and decided to quit drinking when you got back. I am so happy to see you.

I am sorry that the vacation turned out to be messy. I can do some amazingly crazy things while under the influence. I have no clue where it is coming from, and I do not know the person that I become. She is an A**HOLE! I am sorry for your hurt. I know that you can move past this. One day at a time. Yes, please do stay with us here at SR. We need you here, and you need the support.
Congrats on your resolve. You have made an amazing decision.

RJY9

Thanks Mizz. I am feeling so ashamed of myself right now and I cant get the vision of how upset my mother was out of my mind, she didnt deserve that. I can only move on. I need to deal with my anxiety and paranoia as well which unfortunatley is a seperate issue. Guess i self medicated with the Drink to ease the anxiousness. It scares the shi*t out of me but i fully intend on ploughing through.

Sasha4

Has she accepted your apologies?
Have you made amends to her?

RJY9

Yes but its hard to forget. I dwell on things for a very long time, always have. I actually live in the past.

Sasha4

It must be very hard for her to forget, I agree.

Do you have a plan for where you go now?

xxxx

Nuudawn

(((RJY9))) I am so happy to see you here! You told us you'd be back and here you are. Doesn't always happen round here. I am sorry for the hurt you caused your parents..you can make it right by sobering up. I hate to say it..but I'm glad you got more evidence of the nastiness of what alcohol can do. I'm sorry..but I am.

If I recall correctly..you didn't want to "spoil" your holiday by quitting beforehand. Ironic isn't it.

tate9685

Welcome back! You can do it

RJY9

Well hellooo! Nuudawn! Yes im back and i was thinking excatly the same, how ironic! Well its done now and i just have to move forward, what else can i do? It was insane though, i was actually trying to split my parents up on a holiday they had paid for! I can understand that nasty spirits can make people nasty but cant understand the content of what i say as its just so randomly evil! Scary stuff and i was a total embarssment to myself and to everyone involved.

RJY9

Yes! I go forward and leave the past behind. Just the present moment to be in from now on.

Nuudawn

Well you gotta great "playback" when/if drinking seems like an option. My last day drinking is at the forefront of my memory. My parents too were involved...well, they saw the mess of their daughter. I had a 75 year old and an 83 year old driving round looking for their drunken 46 year old daughter. How pathetic is that? I drove in a "blackout"...I shudder to think who I could've hurt.

But that's in the past..just like your trip. Congrats on deciding to face life sober. It rocks : )

RJY9

Wow Nuudawn! Thanks for sharing that. That sounded like a nightmare time! Glad you have a nice life now though.

JettBoy

Glad to see you back here. We always tend to beat ourselves up about our past actions. People do forgive us but it doesn't always ease the guilt. The best present you can give your parents is to do the right thing,stay sober and show them you are making an effort to be a better human being. I'm sure that'd make them very happy and ease your mind as well. One thing to remember,you never have to feel like this again,it's a choice ,do the right thing or not,your call. Best of luck to you on your recovery road!!!!!

keen2bclean

Hello RYJ9 I dread to think of the things I've said and done to the people I've hurt while drowning in alcohol...got to the point I couldn't even remember half the stuff ....would be met the next time with disapproving looks while desperately trying to scramble my dying brain for scraps of memories...good you made the decision to quit...your parents will distance you from 'it' when they see you as yourself, sober good luck!

kadidee

RJYN, glad to see you. I once called my sister a "f***in' b****" and then threw something at my father . The next day was awful and painful and I was so ashamed and confused about how 'I' could have done that. Alcohol does crazy, crazy things to our emotional states. But they forgave me. Your remorse is evident and I'm sure they feel that. Time will bring distance from the event and you guys will create new memories--you'll be even better than before! Just focus on today--congratulations on a new path forward!

Mizzuno

When I first got back here 5 months ago, the amount of shame and regret that I had was immense. I could not even speak for what seemed like months. My last drink involved loss of employment, almost my marriage, and a suffering that was unbearable. Slowly, with the help of this forum I was able to learn how to forgive myself and my family began to forgive me. We have all done things that are out of character. I understand and in no way does it make you any less of a person. Walking in the direction of sobriety has shown me that I am capable of so much. Your mother has forgiven you and now it is time, and with time you will begin to forgive yourself.
The only way out is through. So, I commend you for coming back. Give sobriety a chance to work its magic.

IslaLuna

You are not alone...use the experience to get sober. Your family will very probably be proud of you. Mine are, and I was an absolute cow to my parents, family and friends when drunk. I mean really bad. But that is not who I am today, and I have let go of the shame of the past. My past keeps me sober x