Newbie Lurker Saying Thank You
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 5
Newbie Lurker Saying Thank You
I've been lurking on the forum for months now, and finally registered today.
I wanted to say thank you to all those who have posted, sharing their stories and provided encouragement to those who have posted.
I found this forum back in March, desperate to find some help in coping with my situation. Friends and family have been supportive to an extent, but none can quite seem to grasp what I've been going through.
I've been with my AH for 15 years, and made the decision to leave back in March.
Shortly after I announced I wanted to leave, he decided to quit drinking. After a few months of separation, I told him that quitting drinking was one thing, going to AA while quitting drinking was another. So he joined AA. He started therapy to explore his other issues - moodiness, narcissism, anger, etc. Or so I thought.
In the months of our separation, he badgered me with calls and texts that covered blame - he blamed everything from the kids and the dogs and social media for our problems. Calls and texts that were filled with apologies - for things he didn't even remember doing. And calls and texts that ranted about me and my behavior and accusations of wrongdoing.
He begged me to go to counseling with him. I declined. We had been down that road before. I told him he needed to fix himself before we could think about fixing us.
And despite the therapy, despite whatever he may have learned in AA, nothing seems to be working. He's still the same. I knew alcohol was only part of the problem, but he insists (on random days) that it was the root of the problem. Except he's sober now for almost 5 months, and the true him (obsessive, controlling, insensitive, degrading) is still there.
He denies being any of this, on some days. Other days, he can recall what he did in the past. I have little faith in his counselor. It seems as if he's only collecting a check. I don't know if he's still attending meetings. I don't know if he had a relapse.
He tells people he quit drinking for me. I know this is the wrong answer. He tells people about his weight loss, how he's been dry X amount of days. How he's going to counseling. And how I still won't take him back.
He's dwelling on the "good things" he can remember. He can only remember a few of the bad - flipping tables, throwing things, slamming doors off their hinges. He doesn't remember being insensitive to me when I was ill, being verbally abusive, or even how he refused to drive me to the hospital when I injured myself.
I remember the good times, but the bad outnumbers the good.
And I couldn't take anymore.
I'm moving out of our home at his request. I filed the divorce papers.
This has caused a new rash of irrational texts and bitterness. And despite the sadness I feel with giving up my home, his behavior only makes me see the bright side of moving somewhere new where I can breathe.
Reading this forum, reading others stories and what they've been through....I don't feel so alone, and while my experiences cannot even compare to others,
we're all in the same boat.
Thank you all for sharing with me, you've helped me stay strong without even knowing it.
I wanted to say thank you to all those who have posted, sharing their stories and provided encouragement to those who have posted.
I found this forum back in March, desperate to find some help in coping with my situation. Friends and family have been supportive to an extent, but none can quite seem to grasp what I've been going through.
I've been with my AH for 15 years, and made the decision to leave back in March.
Shortly after I announced I wanted to leave, he decided to quit drinking. After a few months of separation, I told him that quitting drinking was one thing, going to AA while quitting drinking was another. So he joined AA. He started therapy to explore his other issues - moodiness, narcissism, anger, etc. Or so I thought.
In the months of our separation, he badgered me with calls and texts that covered blame - he blamed everything from the kids and the dogs and social media for our problems. Calls and texts that were filled with apologies - for things he didn't even remember doing. And calls and texts that ranted about me and my behavior and accusations of wrongdoing.
He begged me to go to counseling with him. I declined. We had been down that road before. I told him he needed to fix himself before we could think about fixing us.
And despite the therapy, despite whatever he may have learned in AA, nothing seems to be working. He's still the same. I knew alcohol was only part of the problem, but he insists (on random days) that it was the root of the problem. Except he's sober now for almost 5 months, and the true him (obsessive, controlling, insensitive, degrading) is still there.
He denies being any of this, on some days. Other days, he can recall what he did in the past. I have little faith in his counselor. It seems as if he's only collecting a check. I don't know if he's still attending meetings. I don't know if he had a relapse.
He tells people he quit drinking for me. I know this is the wrong answer. He tells people about his weight loss, how he's been dry X amount of days. How he's going to counseling. And how I still won't take him back.
He's dwelling on the "good things" he can remember. He can only remember a few of the bad - flipping tables, throwing things, slamming doors off their hinges. He doesn't remember being insensitive to me when I was ill, being verbally abusive, or even how he refused to drive me to the hospital when I injured myself.
I remember the good times, but the bad outnumbers the good.
And I couldn't take anymore.
I'm moving out of our home at his request. I filed the divorce papers.
This has caused a new rash of irrational texts and bitterness. And despite the sadness I feel with giving up my home, his behavior only makes me see the bright side of moving somewhere new where I can breathe.
Reading this forum, reading others stories and what they've been through....I don't feel so alone, and while my experiences cannot even compare to others,
we're all in the same boat.
Thank you all for sharing with me, you've helped me stay strong without even knowing it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
You are so brave and sometimes we have to say enough is enough. It's time to live your life and not be help down and back by him. He sounds like he is trying to put you on a guilt trip. Don't believe the lies. You did nothing wrong.
He seriously needs to get into the steps of AA. Have you ever though of Al- anon? Glad u are here.
Also post in Family and Friends forum.
He seriously needs to get into the steps of AA. Have you ever though of Al- anon? Glad u are here.
Also post in Family and Friends forum.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by SnowedIn 
And despite the therapy, despite whatever he may have learned in AA, nothing seems to be working. He's still the same. I knew alcohol was only part of the problem, but he insists (on random days) that it was the root of the problem. Except he's sober now for almost 5 months, and the true him (obsessive, controlling, insensitive, degrading) is still there.
He denies being any of this, on some days. Other days, he can recall what he did in the past. I have little faith in his counselor. It seems as if he's only collecting a check. I don't know if he's still attending meetings. I don't know if he had a relapse.
He tells people he quit drinking for me. I know this is the wrong answer. He tells people about his weight loss, how he's been dry X amount of days. How he's going to counseling. And how I still won't take him back.
He's dwelling on the "good things" he can remember. He can only remember a few of the bad - flipping tables, throwing things, slamming doors off their hinges. He doesn't remember being insensitive to me when I was ill, being verbally abusive, or even how he refused to drive me to the hospital when I injured myself.
I remember the good times, but the bad outnumbers the good.
He denies being any of this, on some days. Other days, he can recall what he did in the past. I have little faith in his counselor. It seems as if he's only collecting a check. I don't know if he's still attending meetings. I don't know if he had a relapse.
He tells people he quit drinking for me. I know this is the wrong answer. He tells people about his weight loss, how he's been dry X amount of days. How he's going to counseling. And how I still won't take him back.
He's dwelling on the "good things" he can remember. He can only remember a few of the bad - flipping tables, throwing things, slamming doors off their hinges. He doesn't remember being insensitive to me when I was ill, being verbally abusive, or even how he refused to drive me to the hospital when I injured myself.
I remember the good times, but the bad outnumbers the good.
More importantly, and despite his protestations to the contrary, he continues in his unacceptable behaviors, demanding that the problem is with you and not him. He has all the trappings of someone who's determined to work on himself without any real commitment to do so. There is no room for you to be a real and individual person in his narrow world. Your primary purpose is to service his needs and not be distracted by your desire to live your own life. He appears to be play-acting as a means of getting you to come back; likely a psychologically devastating blow to what's left of his already shattered ego.
You've clearly learned a great deal from your suffering. You've come a long way to get where you are today. Struggling with the anticipated consequences of a divorce is a problem for everyone in that position. Finding strength in major disappointments, loss and emotional chaos is a uniquely human process that few dare to attempt.
Keep on doing what you're doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
Based on what you've described, it's very likely that your husband is putting up a good front with his therapist. Patients like your husband often seek validation from others -- even better when it's an "expert" -- in the service of justifying their behavior. If he believes his therapist experiences him as a good person whose troubles can be attributed to his alcoholism and/or the unfair and poor treatment he reports getting from you and others, then his troubles become your fault. Over time, a good therapist will experience what you've been experiencing with him (in somewhat different, often more subtle ways) and voice his/her observations to the patient. Only after this is accomplished can healing begin. Many people find an excuse to drop out of treatment at this point, making the therapist a part of his/her problems.
More importantly, and despite his protestations to the contrary, he continues in his unacceptable behaviors, demanding that the problem is with you and not him. He has all the trappings of someone who's determined to work on himself without any real commitment to do so. There is no room for you to be a real and individual person in his narrow world. Your primary purpose is to service his needs and not be distracted by your desire to live your own life. He appears to be play-acting as a means of getting you to come back; likely a psychologically devastating blow to what's left of his already shattered ego.
You've clearly learned a great deal from your suffering. You've come a long way to get where you are today. Struggling with the anticipated consequences of a divorce is a problem for everyone in that position. Finding strength in major disappointments, loss and emotional chaos is a uniquely human process that few dare to attempt.
Keep on doing what you're doing.
More importantly, and despite his protestations to the contrary, he continues in his unacceptable behaviors, demanding that the problem is with you and not him. He has all the trappings of someone who's determined to work on himself without any real commitment to do so. There is no room for you to be a real and individual person in his narrow world. Your primary purpose is to service his needs and not be distracted by your desire to live your own life. He appears to be play-acting as a means of getting you to come back; likely a psychologically devastating blow to what's left of his already shattered ego.
You've clearly learned a great deal from your suffering. You've come a long way to get where you are today. Struggling with the anticipated consequences of a divorce is a problem for everyone in that position. Finding strength in major disappointments, loss and emotional chaos is a uniquely human process that few dare to attempt.
Keep on doing what you're doing.
Once he realized that we weren't getting back together, he went back to yelling at me for my messy projects and the cluttered house. It all seemed like a scam to me anyway.
Now with my move only a week away, the badgering has only intensified.
Thank you all for your support.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
to SR! Do take a look at our friends and family forum for additional insight from people who have been in your shoes. It sounds like you're doing the right thing for you. Stay strong. 
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