jstar

My husband has seen me drunk for years. He took over our household last summer so I could go to rehab. He sat beside me in the hospital when I OD'd and almost died. He has supported me going to treatment, therapy and AA. He has listened to me promise "this is the last time, I'm done" bunches of times and loves me through it all by some miracle.

Yet I relapsed again and again over the last few weeks. I drank for hours last night and of course wanted to try to explain to him how hard it is to stop. He says "if it makes you feel like crap, then just don't drink. It's simple. Just don't do it. " I know as a "normie" he will never understand the insanity that goes on in my head.

Is there anything I can say that might give him even the smallest glimpse into what I go through, or is it best to just leave it alone and only talk to fellow alcoholics about what I think & feel?

At this time he is not open to Al-Anon or couples therapy (he did go to therapy with me for a few months but then quit going).

What to do? I'm not looking to explain away my behavior or give any excuses whatsoever, it's just that he is a smart man and I wonder if there is any way to talk to him about my alcoholism. He just can't see why I can't "take it or leave it" as normal people do.

deeker

I like that you said that about not explaining away your behavior cuz i know a lot of people who just wanted them to understand so they could keep the door open for another relapse. Have him read the chapter to "The wives" in AA's Big Book. But picture himself as the Wife. here is a link.
There were more alkie men when book was written. may help but they will never quite understand.

Big Book Online Fourth Edition
Linked With permission Of AA World Services, inc

Check out the 24 Hour club

LadyinBC

It is hard for people that aren't alcoholics to understand. Even my daughter couldn't understand how I couldn't stop. I couldn't understand my mother not being able to stop. I sure can now!

I don't even know how to explain it to my daughter, and I've tried. Sorry, this isn't really very helpful!

silentrun

I don't know that one. My husband is a normie and can't understand why even though I quit I talk about it once in awhile or spend hours on this site when I am having a rough time. I came to the conclusion that his supporting me by not bringing alcohol into the house is enough. While your husband can sympathize with you I don't think he can empathize.

KarenSW

All my husband does is tell me how AA breaks up marriages as he fixes another drink in front of me while I read from my Big book...

jstar

Oh Karen, so sorry to hear that just keep working your program and if nothing else, YOUR life will get better. Hugs!

jstar

Thanks deeker! I thought about handing him my BB and asking him to read that chapter but I didn't want him to feel like I was "throwing the book at him"! Maybe I will try that after all. I don't want to be all AA preachy to him but the BB really does explain me. I see myself so much in the pages of that book it's frightening.

I will try to find the 24 hr club you mentioned. Thanks

sugarbear1

maybe get to an open AA meeting with him so he can hear from others

start again and stay stopped and work those 12 steps with great willingness!

upandup

Maybe post this question in the friends and family section, see what clicked (or didn't) for them?

ETA glad to hear you're still trying! Keep up the good work, we're pulling for you!

hypochondriac

He may not understand the insanity in your head but he is right in a way. Just don't drink. The difference between your husband saying that and a recovering alcoholic telling you that is that one doesn't get it but tells you not to drink whilst the other understands exactly how you feel but still tells you not to drink.

It sounds like you have been through a lot together so I am sure he understands that you are struggling. Maybe understanding how you feel exactly is not necessary, the fact he has stuck with you and supported you speaks volumes. Maybe what is needed is for you to understand exactly how he feels...

ippochick

i've just looked at the thread over there, and some responses are cruel, projecting family of alcoholics' pain at partners who seem not to be seeking recovery and amends.

i don't think jstar should be taking the brunt of others' pain.

Nonsensical

Let me know if you crack the code on this. I have tried numerous ways to get my wife to understand, but I can tell she still does not.

Dee74

A lot of us wanted understanding from friends and partners, but I think most of us didn't get it.

It took me a long time to understand that others couldn't really understand it the way I did - they didn't have to.....

Fortunately there's a ton of support from alcoholics for alcoholics about - be it this forum or AA or SMART or whatever.

Noone need do this alone

D

LadyBlue0527

Wow, just wow. jstar, first of all, I'm glad that you're here. This thread just blows me away, both your post and the post of all others who are going through somewhat the same with spouses. I also had (and still somewhat have) the same issue. For me, it's been honesty and talking that's helped.

I had to jump back up here from the end, for those not wishing to read a novel, skip to the next to the last paragraph. I start these posts not meaning to go off but it never seems to end that way. All of my post applies but the point is in that paragraph.

My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 10 this month. My husband endured a lot of horrific, verbal abuse from me 75% of the time that I drank. My alcohol use was a means to pour everything at him that was irritating me or that I was mad at and bottled up when I was sober. He has referred to me as Jekyll and Hyde or Sybil. The person that I am when I'm not drinking is the person that he fell in love with. The person that I become when I drink and have bottled something up is the extreme opposite. I don't know how many times I've heard "When you're not drinking your one of the nicest, best people that I know. But when you drink something happens and you become the worst". God love him that he put up with my crap for all the years that he has and never gave up on me.

He also has a non addictive personality and can't get why I would continue to drink when alcohol does to me what it does. It's not just verbal abuse to him, I have had a DUI back in 2006 where I don't even remember driving and also, a few years back was fired from a top level job because I wrote a not so nice email to my superiors while in a blackout. He was baffled that someone would go through some of the things that I did and not stop drinking. My only answer to him now is that's just how powerful alcohol is. He hated weekends because he knew what was coming. I would go over to one of my drinking buds and I would tell him I would be home in a few hours. This was supposed to imply that I wouldn't get drunk. I complied most of the time but would always continue on when I got home. He started sleeping in the back bedroom on weekends the beginning of this year. I finally came to my senses because of yet another bad fight and quit on 5/27.

Once I became sober I didn't realize how much my life was going to change. Guess what? Neither he nor I even stopped to think about that if my life changed that in turn, his would too. Albeit good changes, we all take into consideration how sane things are going to be but we don't look at the fact that a change this big is going to require adjustments, not just on the part of the alcoholic but also for those closest to them. Especially a spouse.

One thing that's most notable is how the communication comes back. Where communication before was about day to day things and the same pattern over and over, when you get sober you want to talk about it. Who do you want to talk to about it? The closest person to you. When that person doesn't understand addiction they can't feel the elation that you feel for finally ridding yourself of this far reaching problem. Then they realize that life is changing, even their own, and that's scary stuff. My husband was so non responsive when I came home from AA meetings and told him things that I learned. I would be ecstatically happy and he'd just sit there and remain silent. It took me being honest with him that I needed him to respond and to be supportive of me, even if it just meant agreeing with me or saying just one word when I was talking. He then admitted that when his ex wife was attending Al Anon (her father was a chronic alcoholic) that she met up with some guy and started spending time with him. She also started not wanting him to drink. I assured him that I was not going to take up with anyone else, I'm not her. As far as not wanting him to drink, he's not an alcoholic, and thankfully, he rarely ever drinks at home. He would go to a friends house and have a few beers. When I say a few I mean a few. In the beginning of my sobriety I asked him not to go there even though he doesn't have a problem. However, I became realistic recently and told him to go but asked that he be respectful and mindful of what it is that I'm doing. I know that he'll comply with my request.

My daughter has been clean from opiates for 18 months now and goes to a counselor, she talked to him about all of the above and he gave the best explanation of what happens to a relationship when one of the people (or both) become sober. It makes extreme sense.


POINT: When you're with someone for many years you both learn the same dance. When one of those person changes it throws things off kilter. If you do the Tango with someone for X years and then one of you starts doing the Merengue you're going to be thrown off balance for a while. You need to relearn steps so that you're back in alignment. It takes some time and patience and is a big period of adjustment. For the person who is still doing the Tango they didn't factor in that they too must adjust. It's scary stuff. Change is stressful no matter whether it's good or bad.


I hope that this post helped. What it comes down to is that you need to communicate, that's key!

doggonecarl

There are recovered alcoholics. So yes, we can stop drinking. Your husband is probably at the end of his rope listening to how hard it is for you to stop drinking. He just wants you to stop.

I wish you both well.

Nighthawk8820

I am an alcoholic, but I made the choice to change and not drink, and thats it. Its not an option, take it off the table, and stay true to that choice. I can not drink, ever again, and that is a fact of life for me. I dont think there is anything you can say to him that will make him okay with what has happened or the repeated behaviors, because trust is really hard to get back after its been broken (especially multiple times). Im not trying to be mean, and I do want you to succeed very much, but maybe you havent hit your bottom yet? Sometimes for some people to really get it, they need to lose things dear to them, which can propel them into really wanting to make a change. Whatever your plan for getting sober has been up to this point is clearly not working out at all, so its time to take another approach. Maybe you need to seek out a treatment program or something outside your own devices or willpower. Hang in there.

flutter

My husband said things like that to me for years.. "Just have one!" "just don't drink!". He never has got it, never will.. I had to look outside of our relationship for the support I needed to get sober, and forget about him fully understanding what 'this' is like. Almost 5 years sober now, he will *still* say things like "Don't you think you could just have one?", in inwardly "lol" at him and move along with my day, he'll never get it and it's not his job to.

CupofJoe

I've never found a non-alcoholic who could fully understand. That being said, they don't need to. I found it much more helpful to talk to fellow alcoholics about how they got and stayed sober.

I've found that the longer I'm sober, the less I need non-A's to "understand" because I'm able to live a normal, happy life and my alcoholism is no longer hurting them.

Hoping you follow a path that leads you to sobriety. Wishing you all the best.

jstar

Well much to my regret I did post this in friends and family. ..I will NEVER do that again!! What hate I received from the posters over there. I wasn't looking for pity or sympathy from anyone and many turned my whole post around into just that. I would never be so unkind to a family member posting here in newcomers looking for help. Geesh...I get it, as an alcoholic we do horrible things and all that...but man you look for help and get torn to shreds. I won't make that mistake again.

doggonecarl

What's the advice from AA? Take what works and ignore the rest? You got some helpful suggestions, but you focused on the ones that hurt. Maybe take a break and in a day or so, look at their responses from an objective position, if possible.

And there is a reason some of those replies stung so much. Perhaps there is something to be learned from that.