32 days and thinking of drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Yes I do hate myself. But maybe I can get better in sobriety and learn to like myself. My gf just quit talking to me. Her parents thought she was wasting away with me and they live in the same town I live in. They made me feel like white trash. I hate them. But I guess I will try to rest and fix my hot water heater which is leaking water everywhere. So being left by my gf just reinforces how pathetic I am, and that I stated around someone who never cared for me. Of course it is dumb to date a **** who sleeps with you after talking for thirty minutes. Chalk it all up to my drinking. Gotta start studyin soon and try to stay sober tomorrow. I have to meet my counselor after the test which means I cannot drink. I think I am having a panic attack. Why am I all alone?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Please don't drink. I got to 45 days sober in Jan 2012 and again in June 2012,both times I thought about drinking and did drink. I didn't enjoy it,felt physically and mentally unwell both times and it ended up me drinking every night again,feeling much worse than pre-quitting.I felt weak, numb, emotional,bad, regretful, shameful and miserable each time I went back. Having 45 days sober didn't show me I didn't have a problem-going back to drinking after 45 days sober showed me I DID have a problem. I felt so weak going back making a split second decision to drink had huge repercussions and genuinely didn't think I had the strength to quit again. Luckily I did quit again but it took 5 months for me to stop again.That was 6 months ago and I've been sober since. what I'm trying to say is each time it is harder to quit. Please don't give in, you will regret it. cravings and thoughts of drink do hit us but trust me, they get fewer and the more you do not give in the stronger you will become
I saw my doc for depression and anxiety at 3 months sober. i've been plagued all my life.Now, for the first timemy anxiety has gone and depression much better. I now see that alcohol made it worse,even caused it. All that time I thought it was making me happy and cheerful-it's a lie
I saw my doc for depression and anxiety at 3 months sober. i've been plagued all my life.Now, for the first timemy anxiety has gone and depression much better. I now see that alcohol made it worse,even caused it. All that time I thought it was making me happy and cheerful-it's a lie
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Okay..my recovery started when I was dumped by my addict BPD ex boyfriend for a new gal. Thankfully I was in the hands of a fantastic counsellor. She basically pointed out to me that I was giving him the job of handling my self worth..and that isn't his job..not in his contract. And his leaving meant I was worthless in my eyes. Thing is..he hated himself too..and I wasn't giving him the right reflection anymore..he needed a new mirror. WE have to find our value..WE have to give ourselves and break and learn to accept ourselves..get to know ourselves...you need to spend time with you now...BUT you ALSO need other people to connect with. So glad you're here.
YOU are in recovery...stay with us.
YOU are in recovery...stay with us.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Nothing matters to me without cigarettes and alcohol. They gave me an artificial happiness. I have never known happiness and I do not think I ever will.
It took me at least 3 months to start to feel ok - I hope your journey will be shorter...but the fact is, we need to give it time.
We drank for years - we can at least give sobriety more than a month, yeah?
I think depression is far worse than alcoholism.
You may feel ok for an hour, but then things will be way worse the day after.
I was depressed all my life - I'm far less prone to it now - again that change took time, but it happened.
I firmly believe that not drinking is a major factor in that change, Acheleus.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Acheleus, the fact that you reached out and posted indicates you're still, and mostly, listening to the real you and not your addictive voice. That's great news.
When I get in a do-or-die feeling place, I've found that doing battle with the self-loathing just won't work. I can't defend myself, I can't persuade, I can't prove it wrong. What I have to do is completely bow out of the argument with that 'harsh inner voice'. Going head to head with it doesn't work for me. I say, "Thank you for your input" and then treat myself as I would treat a good friend who was down and out. I wouldn't kick them in the teeth, tell them what a failure they were. I'd see all the good in them, be kind, compassionate. If beating myself up worked, I'd be better already. It doesn't. So I try compassion. I can always go back to beating myself up, later.
I'm reminded of the Buddha quote, 'you can search the entire 7 kingdoms of heaven and not find anyone more deserving of love; you, yourself, as much as anyone, deserve your love and affection.'
Dee posted a link about urge surfing the other day. It has helped me immensely:
Urge Surfing to beat addictions and cravings
A technique known as "urge surfing" which harnesses mindfulness can be helpful for people who are experiencing cravings. Originally developed as a tool to help people struggling to battle alcohol and drug addiction, urge surfing is now being used to help people with overeating, gambling, compulsive shopping, smoking and other compulsive urges.
The idea behind urge surfing is that cravings come in cycles, like waves. They grow in intensity, before crashing and losing their power. By delaying gratification, and taking time to identify your thoughts, feelings and physical sensations at the time, coupled with learning to sit comfortably with your urges you can learn to let them go, and not act on them.
I often find that people confuse urge surfing with simply sitting on their hands and waiting for the cravings to pass. While delaying action can help some people, urge surfing is a more proactive approach that involves listening to your mind, heart and body. For example, where do you notice the craving on a physical level? Are you feeling tension in your shoulders or a gnawing feeling in your stomach? How does your mouth feel? What thoughts are you experiencing? Notice those thoughts and observe them calmly. Keep breathing calmly and steadily and let the thoughts pass through your mind like a video or audio reel.
Instead of battling the urge (or wave) ride it out and wait for it to crash and for cravings to disappear. When you give in to the urge, and give yourself the "fix" you crave, it only increases future cravings. By learning to ride the wave and let it go, over time you will notice cravings are less frequent.
This is a technique that takes time and patience, but if you're prepared to invest the time, it can pay big dividends. The catch is that most people find that the urge to smoke, drink, eat or gamble is so strong, that they forget that this tool is available to them. One good way to get in the habit of using mindfulness to combat cravings is to practice meditation or mindfulness daily, even if only for 30 seconds.
Any time I mention meditation or mindfulness in my workshops, the majority of the students get a glazed look in their eyes, and start fidgeting and complaining that they can't sit still for that long, let alone keep their thoughts focused on candles, mantras or clearing obsessive thoughts. My solution is to start with small achievable goals.
Most practitioners recommend spending 20 minutes a day in meditation. However, for the purposes of beating cravings 30 seconds may be all you need to stop your thought process and reorient your thinking into a more healthy pursuit. Urge surfing can also be adapted to help people with panic attacks or any form of obsessive thoughts. When you have compulsions or cravings, you need a way to interrupt your thoughts before you take action. Mindfulness, or urge surfing, can achieve exactly that.
When I get in a do-or-die feeling place, I've found that doing battle with the self-loathing just won't work. I can't defend myself, I can't persuade, I can't prove it wrong. What I have to do is completely bow out of the argument with that 'harsh inner voice'. Going head to head with it doesn't work for me. I say, "Thank you for your input" and then treat myself as I would treat a good friend who was down and out. I wouldn't kick them in the teeth, tell them what a failure they were. I'd see all the good in them, be kind, compassionate. If beating myself up worked, I'd be better already. It doesn't. So I try compassion. I can always go back to beating myself up, later.
I'm reminded of the Buddha quote, 'you can search the entire 7 kingdoms of heaven and not find anyone more deserving of love; you, yourself, as much as anyone, deserve your love and affection.'
Dee posted a link about urge surfing the other day. It has helped me immensely:
Urge Surfing to beat addictions and cravings
A technique known as "urge surfing" which harnesses mindfulness can be helpful for people who are experiencing cravings. Originally developed as a tool to help people struggling to battle alcohol and drug addiction, urge surfing is now being used to help people with overeating, gambling, compulsive shopping, smoking and other compulsive urges.
The idea behind urge surfing is that cravings come in cycles, like waves. They grow in intensity, before crashing and losing their power. By delaying gratification, and taking time to identify your thoughts, feelings and physical sensations at the time, coupled with learning to sit comfortably with your urges you can learn to let them go, and not act on them.
I often find that people confuse urge surfing with simply sitting on their hands and waiting for the cravings to pass. While delaying action can help some people, urge surfing is a more proactive approach that involves listening to your mind, heart and body. For example, where do you notice the craving on a physical level? Are you feeling tension in your shoulders or a gnawing feeling in your stomach? How does your mouth feel? What thoughts are you experiencing? Notice those thoughts and observe them calmly. Keep breathing calmly and steadily and let the thoughts pass through your mind like a video or audio reel.
Instead of battling the urge (or wave) ride it out and wait for it to crash and for cravings to disappear. When you give in to the urge, and give yourself the "fix" you crave, it only increases future cravings. By learning to ride the wave and let it go, over time you will notice cravings are less frequent.
This is a technique that takes time and patience, but if you're prepared to invest the time, it can pay big dividends. The catch is that most people find that the urge to smoke, drink, eat or gamble is so strong, that they forget that this tool is available to them. One good way to get in the habit of using mindfulness to combat cravings is to practice meditation or mindfulness daily, even if only for 30 seconds.
Any time I mention meditation or mindfulness in my workshops, the majority of the students get a glazed look in their eyes, and start fidgeting and complaining that they can't sit still for that long, let alone keep their thoughts focused on candles, mantras or clearing obsessive thoughts. My solution is to start with small achievable goals.
Most practitioners recommend spending 20 minutes a day in meditation. However, for the purposes of beating cravings 30 seconds may be all you need to stop your thought process and reorient your thinking into a more healthy pursuit. Urge surfing can also be adapted to help people with panic attacks or any form of obsessive thoughts. When you have compulsions or cravings, you need a way to interrupt your thoughts before you take action. Mindfulness, or urge surfing, can achieve exactly that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Sorry, another post from me: I also wanted to add something that you might relate to. I have lifelong PTSD (depression, anxiety, anhedonia, apathy, nihilism, etc.). I didn't have a 'before' to try and get back to; this is all I ever knew. Drinking and drugging, for a time, reduced my symptoms and it was a huge relief. But they don't work anymore for me - as my brain and body changed in reaction to them, the price had gotten higher and higher, with less and less dividends paid.
There've been a couple of days where it's gotten so bad that my brain says, "Well, at least TRY it one more time - at least that's a sure thing." And then, I think it through and know that, as someone posted here, it'll just be another case of, "when I'm drinking all I think about is not drinking and when not drinking all I think about is drinking."
So, I deal with the urge, first and foremost. There are things for people who aren't lucky enough to be 'just normal folk who happen to be alcoholic' but are people who've never, or nearly never, been able to grasp happiness or normalcy. Things that can help: CBT, DBT, EBT, EMDR, megavitamin therapy (just read a book on it and there's great results for alcoholism, depression and anxiety), exercise, nutrient-dense eating, social support, etc.
However, if you're so depressed that you feel hopeless and/or don't even have the clarity, energy or focus to utilize the tools, it might be time to check in with your doc. Support for success is the most important thing; I know I sometimes keep struggling along, forgetting I can get help.
HTH, Acheleus.
There've been a couple of days where it's gotten so bad that my brain says, "Well, at least TRY it one more time - at least that's a sure thing." And then, I think it through and know that, as someone posted here, it'll just be another case of, "when I'm drinking all I think about is not drinking and when not drinking all I think about is drinking."
So, I deal with the urge, first and foremost. There are things for people who aren't lucky enough to be 'just normal folk who happen to be alcoholic' but are people who've never, or nearly never, been able to grasp happiness or normalcy. Things that can help: CBT, DBT, EBT, EMDR, megavitamin therapy (just read a book on it and there's great results for alcoholism, depression and anxiety), exercise, nutrient-dense eating, social support, etc.
However, if you're so depressed that you feel hopeless and/or don't even have the clarity, energy or focus to utilize the tools, it might be time to check in with your doc. Support for success is the most important thing; I know I sometimes keep struggling along, forgetting I can get help.
HTH, Acheleus.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Thank you. Maybe the stress of the test tomorrow is hurting. I just cannot concentrate and I have felt exhausted all day long, but I cannot fall asleep. Cognitive behavioral therapy is something I want to try, and I will go to a doctor as soon as my health insurance kicks in. But I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow. I hate this class I have been taking, it is an intensive language course: a whole semester in 3 weeks. So I had the great idea to quit smoking and drinking a week before the class started. I have done ok in the class but not as well as I hoped. Tomorrow the test may destroy me and I just hate the decisions I have made in my empty life. So this clas is driving me ******* crazy, but if I can just study now and do ok tomorrow the class will end. Plus I am back at school in my home state after living away for years. My grandparents killed themselves here years ago. My useless father lost everything he owned when I was a junior in high school. He lived on a boat for a while and tried to kill himself. My mom went to jail here a few years ago. I ******* hate all the horrible memories this place reminds me of. Sooo. Maybe I will eat and study, even though I really do not care about the class anymore. Just this one test and it will be over and I can leave this state for five weeks.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 332
Acheleus,
It sounds like you have so much on your plate right now. I work with college students, and a lot with students studying writing and languages. There's a lot of stress the day before a big test. I've been cried on more times than I can remember.
I can't imagine what it's like to do everything you're doing at the same time, and all those memories on top of it. All this to say that it's natural to feel the way you do, but please don't let it drive you back to drinking. That will only make your situation worse. I know a shower, treating myself to some excellent crappy TV to take my mind off things and some sleep does a lot for me. As a teacher I do tell my students not to even bother to study when your mind is resisting. You won't retain. I'd say it's better to get to bed asap and wake up early in the morning when you're more refreshed. An hour of studying with a fresh mind is better than studying 3 hours with a mind that's a sieve.
That's my dos centavos. Bonne chance, mon ami.
June
It sounds like you have so much on your plate right now. I work with college students, and a lot with students studying writing and languages. There's a lot of stress the day before a big test. I've been cried on more times than I can remember.
I can't imagine what it's like to do everything you're doing at the same time, and all those memories on top of it. All this to say that it's natural to feel the way you do, but please don't let it drive you back to drinking. That will only make your situation worse. I know a shower, treating myself to some excellent crappy TV to take my mind off things and some sleep does a lot for me. As a teacher I do tell my students not to even bother to study when your mind is resisting. You won't retain. I'd say it's better to get to bed asap and wake up early in the morning when you're more refreshed. An hour of studying with a fresh mind is better than studying 3 hours with a mind that's a sieve. That's my dos centavos. Bonne chance, mon ami.
June
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Yes drinking will only make it worse. But drinking is what I have always done when something comes up in my mind that I don't want to think about. So reality is a new thing for me, unfortunately. I never realized how much alcohol kept me numb. Maybe you are right and I should not stay up all night studying. I just don't even want to take the test, but I will study a little before I go to bed. Thank you all for the support. I am going to push through and make myself better, I just need to be patient, it is only 32 days. My brain is just very foggy today.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by DylanS 
Things that can help: CBT, DBT, EBT, EMDR, megavitamin therapy (just read a book on it and there's great results for alcoholism, depression and anxiety), exercise, nutrient-dense eating, social support, etc.
Great suggestions, all of them.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by Acheleus
Yes drinking will only make it worse. But drinking is what I have always done when something comes up in my mind that I don't want to think about. So reality is a new thing for me, unfortunately. I never realized how much alcohol kept me numb.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
I still had cravings and thoughts to drink at 32 days. Actually hit me pretty hard at that time. If you don't feed the beasts, they will get quieter and the positive you will become stronger. I am so proud of you for coming so far, stick around longer and it will get better. My sponser used to say to me (when I wanted to drink) "don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens" I didn't understand what she meant but now I do and am so grateful I didn't give up. You can do this!
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