Weasel1966

"Surprise! Happy birthday!"

"Hey Ken... Taking a coworker out to lunch at the pub. Want ya there."

I get the door and its friends I have not seen in a while with a bottle.

I had my first pop up drinking situation thrown at me. I failed miserably.

I think I know what went wrong. I was snug as a bug at home enjoying the day when I was surprised with some birthday wishes. My guard was down. My AV was quiet. I was sober and feeling rather proud of myself for getting so much done this weekend.

I had a hole in my plan. I accounted for everything I throw at myself. But I was not as well planned when others throw it unexpectedly at me. I had no defense. I had not considered any surprises yesterday.

There are no excuses. No reasons or occasions this drunk drug addict has to drink or use.

My guard has to be up at all times. Make staying sober second nature.

I will never foresee everything. So I have to be prepared and not be opportunistic about my recovery.

I feel like crap physically. Once I started I did it all. Emotionally? I won't acknowledge any emotions today. They are not real. They are leftovers. Tomorrow will bring new. I have to remind myself that I will not have the luxury of a tomorrow if I do that again.

That's what I learned.

soberlicious

Weas...for me, I do not drink " no matter what". That pretty much covers anything that will ever come up. I don't have to concern myself with keeping my guard up, because the answer is always the same...

When I was in the psych ward I decided NO MAS....but I knew a day would come when I would question that (I did not know about AVRT or the AV at that time). I played a little game of "what if" in my head. The answer was always the same "no, not even then." Embracing the concept of "never" did 2 things or me....1) it seals tightly all air holes (footholds) the beast may try to use and 2) in doing so, it brought the overwhelming sense of peace, freedom, and relief I had sought for so long.

Weasel1966

Sober.... Thanks. I did not see av in what I wrote but I guess it is there. Telling me that opportunities still exist when in fact they don't.

I see it now. Thank you.

lessgravity

The idea that this was a "pop-up" or unexpected experience doesn't ring true to me. Either you are committed to your BP or not. Did you watch your hand extend towards that drink without being able to pull it back? Once in your hand, did it tilt upwards and down your throat against your will? Even imagining a situation that is beyond your control is pure AV.

It was instead the perfect excuse to drink. One we've all made for years (I know I have) - it wasn't your fault! Damn those evil coworkers lurking behind doors with alcohol they've bought for you. Did they actually "throw" the booze at you? Well then I could imagine it'd be hard to dodge. Still, could've kept your mouth closed.

Either you drink or you don't.

Weasel1966

Guess I am making excuses I don't need to make.

That's what I respect about SR. You will set me straight when I wander.

Feeling kinda of silly for this post.

bexxed

Nah, that's something that really gets me. There's no place for shame here. It's about the most destructive thing that we could do to each other and ourselves.

Yup, you made the decision to drink in that moment. You didn't have at that moment the clarity to navigate the particular challenge put in front of you. It's important for you to post about it and to feel safe that people here won't shame you for it.

It was a decision you made and now you have today a choice, as you did then, as you will tomorrow, to drink or not. For me, when I think about now, today, moment by moment sometimes, the navigation works fine.

If I'd been launched in that situation I'd maybe be thinking about how I'd handle it next time. This was an opportunity for your buds to see you take a stand and not drink. It might have been awkward for them, might not have been. Who cares? But I think that it's worthy of consideration for creating a safeguard for your sobriety in certain difficult situations. It can start with "hey man I don't drink anymore" -or something else you devise.

Very very important I think though that shame is left out of it. If we live in shame we'll be right back in the pub.

lessgravity

Don't feel silly, we've all been there. Just see that every part of your decision was you letting your AV take over, even your explanation for it.

No need to reflect or dwell any more than that. Move on, buck up and don't drink today.

soberlicious

I would never "shame" Weas or anyone else. Actually, I don't have that kind of power even if I did have the inclination. I'm pretty sure Ken knows that I completely heart him (my only pickle partner lol) and that whatever I say, I say from the heart and that I would expect the same from him to me.

Nonsensical

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.
- Aeschylus

ElegantlyWasted

Weas... I'm thinking excuses; whatever... It happened. Try not to dwell on it. What's the plan so it doesn't happen again? I've "slipped" once in the last 62 days and have been strongly temped a couple of times as well. I thinks it gets better/easier the longer you go, but you got to have some kind of strategy. The trigger that got me was an unexpected surprise as well. I'm thinking some kind of meditation on expecting the unexpected..... Anyways; all the best. Good for posting about it and throwing it out and being accountable etc.

Weasel1966

No shame here.... Silly I did not see av as quickly. I read my post and was surprised. Like I didn't write it. Av was doing the typing.

I really big heart you sober!

Thanks for all the support over this. I feel strong and hopeful with a side of hangover.

ElegantlyWasted

Detachment from self to understand self. I think we're onto something.

mecanix

I've played that game , came up with the same answer

M

escapist

I always like to track down my first thoughts. They can show me when the decision was truly made to drink again. Example: I remember when I found my present location for my office. I had been happily sober for almost 5 years. I was looking to move my business and I found this building. One of my first thoughts was that if I started drinking again I would be close enough to home that I could walk if I had to. My next thought was," Oh Jesus, I will never drink again. What am I thinking" Deep down Ken, I knew I was headed for a drink. It was about a year later I was sitting at my desk slamming Crown and going home hammered. I stayed that way until I found this place and met all of you wonderful people