TTandDA

I am a new member and so much in need of help. My fiance and I are dealing with an adult child (23) who is very down, an alcoholic, won't work, won't go to school, steals to get whatever he can get his hands on. He is now living in the garage of an elderly grandparent who really can't let him stay inside due to him stealing so much from family and taking advantage in the past. The grandparent is buying him food, cigarettes, paying his cell phone bill and paying his car insurance and buying his gas at this point. We feel hopeless and lost about the situation and need advice on dealing with our guilt in not helping him anymore, and of course being extremely angry at the grandparent who keeps enabling. Does anyone have a clue as to what we can do to try and get/stay positive in relation to the addict and the grandparent's behavior. Thanks.

Anna

I think you could find support at AlAnon in your area. Also, we do have a forum for Friends & Families on this board.

I hope that your son seeks help for his addiction.

honeypig

Welcome, and glad you found SR. Here is a link to the family and friends section, where your postings will likely get more responses Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Do some reading on this site, and don't miss the stickied threads at the top of each forum section.

Also, would like to echo what Anna said about getting to an Alanon meeting as soon as you can. That is probably the best way for you to learn about what you're up against and what you can do to help yourselves.

This board has been a great help to me, and I hope you find the same, but again would strongly suggest that you find an Alanon meeting and get some face-to-face support and help.

You are not alone.

least

Do take a look at that link, lots of insight in that forum. Is it possible to speak to the grandparent about not enabling your son anymore? He really needs to 'reach his bottom' without that soft cushion there.

wolfpackfan45

If you can find an Al Anon meeting near you please attend. You'll meet a lot of folks there who can help you change your enabling behavior in order to help your son. My son is 22 and a recovering alcoholic. I was an enabler too and didn't even realize it until I started in Al Anon.

Crossfitdad

I'd say a first start would be to have the GPs stop paying for his crap. It's hard wake up call when your stuff isn't paid for.

Nighthawk8820

Everyone is enabling him. If he isnt working, how is he purchasing alcohol? If he steals, call the police and press charges or have him removed from the home. Its harsh, but he is in a desperate place and needs a wake up call. No one wants to change when they get whatever they want, with no accountability. If I never had panic attacks, or gained weight, or embarrassed myself on a nightly basis, or totally lost my dignity and life goals.........who knows where I would be? He is 23, and shouldn't be stealing and free loading. He is doing it because no one is stopping him. His addiction is in full swing, and he needs you now, needs you to be firm and do what may be difficult for everyone involved, but is necessary.

Kick him out of that garage if he refuses to get help or seek treatment. You may think this is being mean, but you may just be saving his life. You may need to plead with the grandparents, who most likely think they are helping him by enabling him, but its the opposite. Educate them if you need to, try anything. If all else, fails, call the cops next time you know he is drinking and driving. I had to do this for my dad, who was in deep and driving around town loaded. He resented it at the time, but it got him a dose of accountability.

Gottalife

As a sober alcoholic I hope you can take some comfort from the fact that the people that refused to enable me to drink saved my life. I also had many enablers over the years, and I know they had the best of intentions, but they almost brought about my death. I was 22 when I got sober and I am very grateful that people like you cared enough to take a stand.

Alanon may be helpful and it might also be useful to give the grandparents some reading material on the subject. I am sure they want the best for their grandson and would be horrified if they thought they were making matters worse.

Living

In your post you do not identify whose child this is - yours or your fiance? Please do not take this wrong, but if he is stealing money and items from his elderly Grandparents, one of you need to step in and remove him from their home. Elderly people are often abused physically and mentally or manipulated by an addict family member. I am sure that they could spend their money on better things than supporting an addict and his bills.

I understand he doesn't live with you, but something does not feel right that he is living with his Grandparents. If you are really wanting to get him help, contact your local social service department and explain what is going on with the Grandparents. DFCS in my County take elderly abuse seriously.

He might not be physically abusing them, but if they are enabling him like you said, they are being taken advantage of and either you or your fiance need to take control of the situation and lay it on the line with him.

Different circumstances and a lot less serious, but when my daughter was a teenager in High School, she would frequently have her Grandfather (my Dad) check her out of school without my permission (because he was on the list) to take her to lunch and shopping. Of course she told him I said it was OK and him being a loving Grandfather did whatever she wanted. I had to put a MAJOR STOP on this. First thing was to let my Daughter know that she was not only lying but manipulating. Strict rules were put in to place and that ended her carefree school days.

Sadly, if he does not get help at 23, one day Grandparents are not going to be around and you will have a 40 year child at your home.

TTandDA

and I was married to an alcoholic for about 16 years and can see so many of the hurtful patterns being repeated in this young man's life. I was so angry and resentful about the mistakes and enabling that has really existed for this 23 year old's entire life. I truly think he would be working some sort of job if grandma hadn't been paying all his bills off and on for the last couple of years. It is so difficult to see enabling going on and NOTHING can be done about it. I think the 78 yr old grandma feels good that she is "helping" and likes having control, at any cost. What really makes me sad is that I think deep down she knows she has perhaps made things worse and still just can't stop because she says "what if he's homeless, what if he does something desperate (crime) and ends up in jail?" At this point my fiance and I are even having lots of stress over being powerless in the attempts to get her to stop and this is so sad and sometimes I think it will result in us having to say goodbye to each other. Any advice and specifically how to deal with the grandmother would be so nice. Thank you all for your knowledge and kindness! Today Tomorrow and the Day after. TTandDA

honeypig

There is no magic way to control the grandmother, unfortunately. The only person you can control is yourself. You cannot stop the son from drinking OR the grandmother from enabling.

I believe several posters did give you some specific advice on avenues you can pursue, and several of us advised Alanon for you yourself. It might not be what you want to hear, but folks here have come by their knowledge honestly, and you can trust it.

TTandDA

I have been to al anon a long time ago and think it's a great idea. My fiance doesn't think it will help. I will keep trying! I am working on myself, can't really work on anyone else! Thank you!