sukosuko1

I've seen over half of our newcomers drop out by the inflexiblity of their sponsors and the general feeling that its all pretty weird. If someone just said keep coming back...hang out with us...they'd probably stay around until they get it (i did). Most alcoholics, compared to users, deeply don't know if they doing anything wrong or belong in aa...denial is very strong for drinkers. If they get hit with an intense program...90/90...the feeling you're a failure if you didn't do step x yet...the old friends and social outlets look like an easier option I think. a sponsor just lost 10 out of 10 sponsees this year...what can we do?

I did about 70 in 90 and felt I did good. If I was told I failed I would be out there.

Natom

Where I am it isn't physically possible to do 90 meetings in 90 days unless you took planes, which is grossly unrealistic. It seems to be a culture that we haven't really adopted in England. I was always told by my sponsor to get to as many meetings as I could but if I couldn't no worries. I probably didn't even do 90 in 6 months. Whilst I understand that it's good to do as many meetings as possible it just isn't possible. I've been employed in the majority of my recovery and it's hard to fit in 90 meetings around work.

Natom

Sazzle

I agree with Natom. That culture hasn't crept over here yet, for which I'm grateful. I go to as many meetings as a can and usually more when I need a boost but I do get quite uncomfortable at the thought of replacing one obsession with another. I'm learning to fit more positives in my life: hobbies, reading, walking, working out and getting to meetings. I'm an all or nothing personality type and I know I would not be at 7 months if meetings were as you've described. They need to chill out and let the person be empowered do the right thing. I appreciate my home group more after your post.

S

least

Ninety meetings in ninety days isn't part of AA, that came from rehabs.

GracieLou

I think there are many differences in sponsor techniques as well as differences in meetings.

That being said I agree that 90/90 can set up someone to feel like they failed.

I have glanced around the internet and there does not appear to be united information on where the 90/90 came from.

When you say a sponsor lost 10/10 sponsees, I assume this is the same sponsor? That seems like really bad odds.

For myself I do not have ninety days of sobriety yet, but I have not been counting how many meetings I go to either. On a regular basis I go to five a week, one of them being my home group. There are times when I feel I need more and I have hit two and even three meetings in a day.

I think some people have a tendency to look at the BB as a law while others look to it as a tool or a guide. The BB makes reference that these are suggestions.

There was talk before a meeting I was at the other day about how there should be no meetings for only men or woman because it was not that way in the beginning.

Well we rode around in horse drawn carriages at one time and read by candle light but times have changed. I do feel that the BB and the steps should be kept in tact as they are and followed as close as possible but I am sure the creators of the book never intended it to be followed as strict as some seem to think it should be.

BadCompany

Where can I find these sponsees that do everything their sponsor tells then?

visch1

I first came to AA in '76 and 90/90 was suggested along with sit up front, take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth and listen as you have nothing to contribute for 3 months. Another saying was to try it for 90 days as your misery is refundable if you don't like it and watch the closing door so it doesn't hit your tender butt. KEEP COMING was the one I needed and fortunately I heard it. How does AA work? Just fine! As demonstrated by many millions throughout the world, if it works lets not fix it. Some things I see on forums and hear at meetings are akin to someone off the street wanting to fly and land a 747 without going into any training program. It takes TIME to get really sober in mind let alone body. BE WELL

PeppyGirl

Where I live 90/90 is not a mandate by the sponsors. I have certainly heard of it, and I am trying to hit as many meetings a week as I can. I have made about 50 in 60 days. They just tell us to make as many meetings as we can, if we can't make a meeting call and talk to our sponsor. I personally do feel that mandating the 90/90 is going to turn so many people off. After all, the only requirement to be in AA is "a desire to quit drinking". I had several relapses while attending AA and if they told me to never come back as a result of that I probably wouldn't have. PG

FinallyFinished

Honestly, the entire idea of being bullied by other alcoholics really turns me off. I could not physically make many meetings even if I were interested in doing so. The idea of creating an entire world revolving around other drunks is much less appealing to me than staying sober around my own people and learning to do better for them here and now. Thanks to SR this has been working for 6 months now. So, I guess I'm saying that if the 90/90 thing sounds awful to you there are always other ways of accomplishing the same goal without buying in. There are plenty of people out there who need the 90/90 type pushing, and I'm glad that its there for them. Just my 2 cents

Carlotta

I am not sure I did a ninety/ninety. My sponsor used to tell me to do as much as I could but if I could not make it not to sweat it. One thing I do though is that I don t pick up no matter what and I do at least one recovery oriented thing a day whether it is posting on SR, step work or reading from the BB.

tomsteve

something important to remember:
some of us suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders."

we aint all there that's why we're there.

we don't have it all together but together we have it all.

yup, some sponsors are control freaks. it happens, has happened since the beginning of AA and this behavior isn't limited to AA.

ScottFromWI

I would say any recovery method has those who over do it or try to be controlling. I would not participate in a group like he one mentioned in the original post. regardless if it were AA or not.

oinobares

I left a rapid hospital detox after the attending physician reluctantly discharged me saying I was hopeless and doomed and would be dead without rehab. I told him I was going back to AA, and committed to 90/90 before I even had a sponsor. I'm not even sure where I got the idea, but I had fully accepted my dire situation and knew that I needed to be committed to a program of recovery. The 90 in 90 was a simple goal that reinforced that commitment. I'm a perfectionist and the possibility loomed that I would feel like an abject failure if I didn't make exactly 90 in 90. At the end of the three months, the steps I had worked, the experiences I had absorbed, the help of my sponsor--all changed me so profoundly that not making a cool 90 didn't bother me in the slightest. I made more than 80 but less than 90. Now if only I could do something similar with exercise...

Anyhow, all the discussion about the "90 in 90", pro and con, seems a bit of the red herring to me. It helped me get the AA program (and I never did do the rehab as the good doc suggested). No question in my mind that if I hadn't committed to daily meetings in the beginning I wouldn't have the sobriety I'm so grateful for today, just about a year later.

Dave42001

It's not good if newcomers are leaving bottom line! Hope the new people try a different group. That's not what the programs all about..

jakec

My sponsor doesn't tell me to do a "90 in 90".. rather he just says to go to a meeting every day and he'll tell me when to stop

Lionhearted1

No where does it say in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that you must do 90/90!!! So since Aa is the big book and the programme is the steps why would i do something that the founders did not do or suggest!I was under the impression that 90/90 came from the court systems in USA?? I would think that a sponsour would want to take there sponsee through the steps quickly and thoroughly like the old days when the success rate was in the 90% range!

hypochondriac

90 in 90 is something I only ever heard on SR. I mentioned it to someone in AA and they said it was a rehab thing and nothing to do with AA. I was so paranoid when I was going to AA that people would think I wasn't going to enough meetings. A lot of people seemed to go to every meeting (my area isn't huge but you could go to one a night and 2 some days) and I only ever could make one or 2 a week maximum. If it was suggested I went everyday I wouldn't have gone at all (all or nothing type). When I apologetically mentioned my lack of meeting attendance most people seemed to be of the opinion that I went when I needed it and knew when I needed to be there.

sukosuko1

Great to hear the message of tolerance from everyone. If one has free time a meeting everyday is the best thing they can do or else attend how every many meeting you are comfortable with. Do NOT burn yourself out. A few people dropping out I just want to beg to come to our speaker meeting once a week instead of dropping out.

The people who are "in the middle of the herd" always talk about themselves, what worked for "ME", and never about the people who can't keep up maybe needed a slower pace and get sucked back into the disease and just disappear..my group never never mentions their names again. its a bit sad really.

jazzfish

Going to meetings is not working the program. However, on a practical note, I have heard many times it takes about 90 - 100 days to adopt a new habit. So, I can see a useful purpose to attending meetings, even if you aren't learning or sharing anything about how to work the program.

2granddaughters

What does your sponsor say about this ?? .....

My sponsor told me that if I wanted what he had then I had better be willing to do what he did.

Most of those folks who left will be back when they have hurt enough. It's all in HOW IT WORKS.

All the best.

Bob R