Ninety in ninety - is forcing out newcomers?
Sometimes I think we get too caught up in details. Whether it is 90/90 or something else. I went to as many meetings as I could but also had to WORK the program. Remember that alcoholism is only mentioned in half of the first step. All the rest are about living a better more fulfilling life. People are always going to try and tell me I am a failure for this or that. I am no good at something or another. I do not give those people the power over me to make me feel worse about my recovery. I keep working, growing and moving forward.
Can you attend AA for a while (say 2 to 4 weeks) before getting a sponsor? I'm willing to attend with an open mind, but someone demanding that I must do 90 in 90 is unacceptable (although, suggesting is fine).
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
You can attend however you wish to attend. Everything there is just a suggestion; although, most of those suggestions are based on a lot of experience. But, you don't have to share and you don't have to introduce yourself. I find the meetings warm, helpful, and welcoming.
Your sponsor really shouldn't be demanding that you do anything. S/he should be working with you like a big brother or big sister guiding you along a path s/he has already walked and helping you avoid the mistakes s/he made along the way, not acting like some overbearing boss with you there to do exactly what you're told. And if it's not working out with a particular sponsor, there is nothing stopping you from firing him/her and getting a different sponsor.
Your sponsor really shouldn't be demanding that you do anything. S/he should be working with you like a big brother or big sister guiding you along a path s/he has already walked and helping you avoid the mistakes s/he made along the way, not acting like some overbearing boss with you there to do exactly what you're told. And if it's not working out with a particular sponsor, there is nothing stopping you from firing him/her and getting a different sponsor.
Anyway, I'm attending my first meeting tonight, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm guessing my concerns are unnecessary, and that the experience will be a positive one.
Thanks Jazzfish and Paul. I'm willing to attend a lot of meetings, I'm willing to work the steps, I'm willing to be brutally honest with myself, I'm willing to read and study the BB from cover to cover, and I'm willing to accept "tough love". I would think that would be enough.
Anyway, enjoy and keep coming back.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
The daily meeting for 90 days thing is in the NA Basic Text.
When I became a member of AA (I had a desire to stop drinking), my sponsor said that I needed to go to as many meetings as I could and make a commitment to the program. I did not go daily, but I went to more than 180 in 180. I was unemployed and there are many meetings in my area. I needed to steep in the program and fellowship of AA.
My bestie lives in Alaska and when she got clean she could only do 2 meetings/week in her area. BUT she made the decision, the commitment, to the program of AA. She has more sobriety than I do.
I ask my new sponsees to commit also. I had one who was unemployed and had a car, she could go to 1-3 meetings daily. I had another who is a full-time mom and has a business. She committed to 3 meetings per week. They both have over a year now.
What I'm saying is that arguing semantics doesn't get us sober in AA. Taking the steps and practicing the 3 legacies of AA does. I will try anything that will increase my chances of recovery. Even a daily meeting, if that's what it takes for me.
In my experience, the 3 legacies of AA are all required to have a happy, joyous, and free sobriety in AA. Meetings are a part of that. Not to mention the amount of time it takes for a new habit to take hold and be a part of a persons new way of doing things.
Just my experience.
When I became a member of AA (I had a desire to stop drinking), my sponsor said that I needed to go to as many meetings as I could and make a commitment to the program. I did not go daily, but I went to more than 180 in 180. I was unemployed and there are many meetings in my area. I needed to steep in the program and fellowship of AA.
My bestie lives in Alaska and when she got clean she could only do 2 meetings/week in her area. BUT she made the decision, the commitment, to the program of AA. She has more sobriety than I do.
I ask my new sponsees to commit also. I had one who was unemployed and had a car, she could go to 1-3 meetings daily. I had another who is a full-time mom and has a business. She committed to 3 meetings per week. They both have over a year now.
What I'm saying is that arguing semantics doesn't get us sober in AA. Taking the steps and practicing the 3 legacies of AA does. I will try anything that will increase my chances of recovery. Even a daily meeting, if that's what it takes for me.
In my experience, the 3 legacies of AA are all required to have a happy, joyous, and free sobriety in AA. Meetings are a part of that. Not to mention the amount of time it takes for a new habit to take hold and be a part of a persons new way of doing things.
Just my experience.
Thanks Jazzfish and Paul. I'm willing to attend a lot of meetings, I'm willing to work the steps, I'm willing to be brutally honest with myself, I'm willing to read and study the BB from cover to cover, and I'm willing to accept "tough love". I would think that would be enough.
Anyway, I'm attending my first meeting tonight, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm guessing my concerns are unnecessary, and that the experience will be a positive one.
Anyway, I'm attending my first meeting tonight, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm guessing my concerns are unnecessary, and that the experience will be a positive one.
I went over a month before I got a sponsor.
Stop back and let us know how it went.
My sponsor makes suggestions to me based on her experience. It's then up to me to take them or leave them. My sobriety is on me, no one else. That's how I was sponsored and it's how I sponsor.
My sponsor did do 90 in 90. I did not. She benefited from it.....it worked for her. So far, not doing 90 in 90, has not hurt my sobriety. Neither is right or wrong.
I do know some people that sponsor by giving demands. It works for some folks. I don't think it would have worked for me.
As far as where the suggestion came from, I'm not sure it matters. I've gotten plenty of great advise that not in the book. It's not as if any advice that's not in the book is bad. That's just plain crazy talk.
It took me a long time to not concern myself with what others thought of me. Actually, I'm still working on it. Especially when I first came into AA I worried about everything....what would they think of my HP, of my 'bottom', that I wasn't a daily drinker but a binge drinker, and on and on and on. I can look back now and say that I was using many of those things as an excuse to keep on drinking.
Did some people in AA judge me? Absolutely. I accepted it as fact, we all judge each other to some extent, and moved forward. I wanted to stay sober more than I cared about what people in AA might think of me. With that said, I don't put up with bullies. In general, absolutes **** me off. May be something I need to work on, huh?
Bottom line, we all work just a little bit differently. Process things differently. Respond to things differently. It's all fine.
Something I think is very important, is to be one of those folks who has been around the rooms for a while, to remember what I felt like when I first came into the room. It seems to me people forget. I forget. When that happens, I lack empathy or compassion. Talking with folks that understood how I felt early on, was crucial to my sobriety. I want to give that back to other people. I owe that to them.
My sponsor did do 90 in 90. I did not. She benefited from it.....it worked for her. So far, not doing 90 in 90, has not hurt my sobriety. Neither is right or wrong.
I do know some people that sponsor by giving demands. It works for some folks. I don't think it would have worked for me.
As far as where the suggestion came from, I'm not sure it matters. I've gotten plenty of great advise that not in the book. It's not as if any advice that's not in the book is bad. That's just plain crazy talk.
It took me a long time to not concern myself with what others thought of me. Actually, I'm still working on it. Especially when I first came into AA I worried about everything....what would they think of my HP, of my 'bottom', that I wasn't a daily drinker but a binge drinker, and on and on and on. I can look back now and say that I was using many of those things as an excuse to keep on drinking.
Did some people in AA judge me? Absolutely. I accepted it as fact, we all judge each other to some extent, and moved forward. I wanted to stay sober more than I cared about what people in AA might think of me. With that said, I don't put up with bullies. In general, absolutes **** me off. May be something I need to work on, huh?
Bottom line, we all work just a little bit differently. Process things differently. Respond to things differently. It's all fine.
Something I think is very important, is to be one of those folks who has been around the rooms for a while, to remember what I felt like when I first came into the room. It seems to me people forget. I forget. When that happens, I lack empathy or compassion. Talking with folks that understood how I felt early on, was crucial to my sobriety. I want to give that back to other people. I owe that to them.
I go to 3 meetings a day now. Before work, during lunch, after work. The number isn't the important thing, it's the commitment to your health. I am proving that commitment to myself by going to as many meetings as I can. I sought them out, I show up, and I am slowly getting comfortable with the routine. 1 meeting a day was not enough for me to be successful. However, it is enough for others.
Sounds like you're a good sponsor Paper. I'm good with suggestions; heavy-handiness and demands don't work for me though (i.e. the "sit down and shut up" approach that some on this site seem to advocate). I don't need a new boss, a new father or a jailer; I need a mentor, a guide, a peer and hopefully a friend.
Anyway, there are a number of meetings and groups in my area; I'm sure I'll find one that is is good fit.
Thanks to all for your comments.
Anyway, there are a number of meetings and groups in my area; I'm sure I'll find one that is is good fit.
Thanks to all for your comments.
This is what I have in my sponsor. We are still getting to know each other but each time we get together we make progress.
I feel really comfortable talking to her and I have no problem picking up the phone when I need help, have a question or just want to bounce something off her mind.
I feel really comfortable talking to her and I have no problem picking up the phone when I need help, have a question or just want to bounce something off her mind.
something to remember what the BB says:
"a year and six months later, these three succeded with 7 others."
so thats 10 poeple sober in 18 months.
anyone have ony idea how many were approached? im sure it was more than 20.
"a year and six months later, these three succeded with 7 others."
so thats 10 poeple sober in 18 months.
anyone have ony idea how many were approached? im sure it was more than 20.
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