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Ninety in ninety - is forcing out newcomers?

Old 05-29-2013, 11:18 AM
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Sometimes I think we get too caught up in details. Whether it is 90/90 or something else. I went to as many meetings as I could but also had to WORK the program. Remember that alcoholism is only mentioned in half of the first step. All the rest are about living a better more fulfilling life. People are always going to try and tell me I am a failure for this or that. I am no good at something or another. I do not give those people the power over me to make me feel worse about my recovery. I keep working, growing and moving forward.
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Old 05-29-2013, 11:35 AM
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Can you attend AA for a while (say 2 to 4 weeks) before getting a sponsor? I'm willing to attend with an open mind, but someone demanding that I must do 90 in 90 is unacceptable (although, suggesting is fine).
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Old 05-29-2013, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by FeenixxRising View Post
Can you attend AA for a while (say 2 to 4 weeks) before getting a sponsor? I'm willing to attend with an open mind, but someone demanding that I must do 90 in 90 is unacceptable (although, suggesting is fine).
You can attend however you wish to attend. Everything there is just a suggestion; although, most of those suggestions are based on a lot of experience. But, you don't have to share and you don't have to introduce yourself. I find the meetings warm, helpful, and welcoming.
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Old 05-29-2013, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by FeenixxRising View Post
Can you attend AA for a while (say 2 to 4 weeks) before getting a sponsor?
Of course. I don't think very many people leave their first AA experience with a sponsor all lined up. Nor is it necessarily a great idea to take as a sponsor the first person who offers. I would recommend going, introducing yourself as a newcomer, and hanging out for a bit after to meet some people. You should choose your sponsor and you can't do that until you know a few AA's at least a little bit.

Originally Posted by FeenixxRising View Post
I'm willing to attend with an open mind, but someone demanding that I must do 90 in 90 is unacceptable (although, suggesting is fine).
Your sponsor really shouldn't be demanding that you do anything. S/he should be working with you like a big brother or big sister guiding you along a path s/he has already walked and helping you avoid the mistakes s/he made along the way, not acting like some overbearing boss with you there to do exactly what you're told. And if it's not working out with a particular sponsor, there is nothing stopping you from firing him/her and getting a different sponsor.
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Old 05-29-2013, 12:12 PM
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Originally Posted by AnotherPaul View Post
Your sponsor really shouldn't be demanding that you do anything. S/he should be working with you like a big brother or big sister guiding you along a path s/he has already walked and helping you avoid the mistakes s/he made along the way, not acting like some overbearing boss with you there to do exactly what you're told. And if it's not working out with a particular sponsor, there is nothing stopping you from firing him/her and getting a different sponsor.
Thanks Jazzfish and Paul. I'm willing to attend a lot of meetings, I'm willing to work the steps, I'm willing to be brutally honest with myself, I'm willing to read and study the BB from cover to cover, and I'm willing to accept "tough love". I would think that would be enough.

Anyway, I'm attending my first meeting tonight, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm guessing my concerns are unnecessary, and that the experience will be a positive one.
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Old 05-29-2013, 12:12 PM
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90 & 90 was hatched from the rehab world...a suggestion counselors make upon making a plan of exit or strategy from a rehab facility....
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Old 05-29-2013, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by FeenixxRising View Post
Thanks Jazzfish and Paul. I'm willing to attend a lot of meetings, I'm willing to work the steps, I'm willing to be brutally honest with myself, I'm willing to read and study the BB from cover to cover, and I'm willing to accept "tough love". I would think that would be enough.
I think you've got the right idea. Oh, and as for "demands", part of why a good sponsor shouldn't be demanding anything of you is that s/he shouldn't have to. S/he should be able to convince you that what is being asked of you is for the best to the point that you want to do it for yourself.

Originally Posted by FeenixxRising View Post
Anyway, I'm attending my first meeting tonight, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm guessing my concerns are unnecessary, and that the experience will be a positive one.
Good for you! I think you'll find the vest majority of AA's to be very supportive. And don't be surprised if you find the whole room laughing out loud several times at just about every meeting. This surprised me - I expected a bunch of tears and self-pity, but it's very rarely like that at all. Most meetings are very uplifting.

Anyway, enjoy and keep coming back.
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Old 05-29-2013, 12:37 PM
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An hour (1/24th) of my day to attend an AA meeting was not hard for me at all - I used to spend 3/4ths of my day looking for my next chemical fix!
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Old 05-29-2013, 12:53 PM
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The daily meeting for 90 days thing is in the NA Basic Text.

When I became a member of AA (I had a desire to stop drinking), my sponsor said that I needed to go to as many meetings as I could and make a commitment to the program. I did not go daily, but I went to more than 180 in 180. I was unemployed and there are many meetings in my area. I needed to steep in the program and fellowship of AA.

My bestie lives in Alaska and when she got clean she could only do 2 meetings/week in her area. BUT she made the decision, the commitment, to the program of AA. She has more sobriety than I do.

I ask my new sponsees to commit also. I had one who was unemployed and had a car, she could go to 1-3 meetings daily. I had another who is a full-time mom and has a business. She committed to 3 meetings per week. They both have over a year now.

What I'm saying is that arguing semantics doesn't get us sober in AA. Taking the steps and practicing the 3 legacies of AA does. I will try anything that will increase my chances of recovery. Even a daily meeting, if that's what it takes for me.

In my experience, the 3 legacies of AA are all required to have a happy, joyous, and free sobriety in AA. Meetings are a part of that. Not to mention the amount of time it takes for a new habit to take hold and be a part of a persons new way of doing things.

Just my experience.
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Old 05-29-2013, 01:34 PM
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Originally Posted by FeenixxRising View Post
I'm willing...
You'll do fine.
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Old 05-29-2013, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by FeenixxRising View Post
Thanks Jazzfish and Paul. I'm willing to attend a lot of meetings, I'm willing to work the steps, I'm willing to be brutally honest with myself, I'm willing to read and study the BB from cover to cover, and I'm willing to accept "tough love". I would think that would be enough.

Anyway, I'm attending my first meeting tonight, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm guessing my concerns are unnecessary, and that the experience will be a positive one.
The desire to quit drinking and the willingness to work the program is what you need and it sound like you have it.

I went over a month before I got a sponsor.

Stop back and let us know how it went.
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Old 05-29-2013, 01:53 PM
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My sponsor makes suggestions to me based on her experience. It's then up to me to take them or leave them. My sobriety is on me, no one else. That's how I was sponsored and it's how I sponsor.

My sponsor did do 90 in 90. I did not. She benefited from it.....it worked for her. So far, not doing 90 in 90, has not hurt my sobriety. Neither is right or wrong.

I do know some people that sponsor by giving demands. It works for some folks. I don't think it would have worked for me.

As far as where the suggestion came from, I'm not sure it matters. I've gotten plenty of great advise that not in the book. It's not as if any advice that's not in the book is bad. That's just plain crazy talk.

It took me a long time to not concern myself with what others thought of me. Actually, I'm still working on it. Especially when I first came into AA I worried about everything....what would they think of my HP, of my 'bottom', that I wasn't a daily drinker but a binge drinker, and on and on and on. I can look back now and say that I was using many of those things as an excuse to keep on drinking.

Did some people in AA judge me? Absolutely. I accepted it as fact, we all judge each other to some extent, and moved forward. I wanted to stay sober more than I cared about what people in AA might think of me. With that said, I don't put up with bullies. In general, absolutes **** me off. May be something I need to work on, huh?

Bottom line, we all work just a little bit differently. Process things differently. Respond to things differently. It's all fine.

Something I think is very important, is to be one of those folks who has been around the rooms for a while, to remember what I felt like when I first came into the room. It seems to me people forget. I forget. When that happens, I lack empathy or compassion. Talking with folks that understood how I felt early on, was crucial to my sobriety. I want to give that back to other people. I owe that to them.
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Old 05-29-2013, 01:57 PM
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I go to 3 meetings a day now. Before work, during lunch, after work. The number isn't the important thing, it's the commitment to your health. I am proving that commitment to myself by going to as many meetings as I can. I sought them out, I show up, and I am slowly getting comfortable with the routine. 1 meeting a day was not enough for me to be successful. However, it is enough for others.
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Old 05-29-2013, 02:02 PM
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Sounds like you're a good sponsor Paper. I'm good with suggestions; heavy-handiness and demands don't work for me though (i.e. the "sit down and shut up" approach that some on this site seem to advocate). I don't need a new boss, a new father or a jailer; I need a mentor, a guide, a peer and hopefully a friend.

Anyway, there are a number of meetings and groups in my area; I'm sure I'll find one that is is good fit.

Thanks to all for your comments.
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Old 05-29-2013, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by FeenixxRising View Post
I need a mentor, a guide, a peer and hopefully a friend.
This is what I have in my sponsor. We are still getting to know each other but each time we get together we make progress.

I feel really comfortable talking to her and I have no problem picking up the phone when I need help, have a question or just want to bounce something off her mind.
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Old 05-29-2013, 02:19 PM
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something to remember what the BB says:
"a year and six months later, these three succeded with 7 others."

so thats 10 poeple sober in 18 months.
anyone have ony idea how many were approached? im sure it was more than 20.
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