When Love is not enough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1
When Love is not enough.
An interesting comment came my way today from my mother. She said maybe you are not giving him enough love because if you were you would not be having these problems. This was definately not the support I needed from her.
This is my situation. I am a divorced parent who has full custody of our son who is hell bent on destroying his life. He is resentless and remorseless of everything he does to get attention. Rather than good attention he prefers the bad attention as it causes a whirlwind of drama. He is a consumate liar, manipulator, theif, addicted to alcohol and readily admits he does drugs.
I am a recovering alcoholic since March of 09 and have regularily gone to AA, therapy sessions, family sessions and even phsyciatric help in order to acheive a 'normal kind' of life. My partner goes to Alanon and together we are actively working to better our lives. Since coming back from rehab in 09 my son took a very drastic turn.
When I arrived home I finally started to enforce our family rules such as bedtime at 9 and you can read till 10. Only an hour of TV or video games on weekdays and everyone must pitch in to do chores. Simple and normal everyday home life. Or so we thought.
My son, as expected, pushed the limits and tested my boundaries. Consequences followed, minor at first, then gradually became bigger. He went NUTS! This was expected and we knew the storm was only going to get bigger before it petered out. Well that was not the case as he just escallated.
He started acting up at school, his marks were dropping, he started lying constantly and started to steal. Of course his denial was absolute and he was greatly offended that we called him on his actions. He started burning through friends like wildfire and cared not for any of his or other peoples possesions. Absolutely no remorse at all for what he was doing.
He pushed my buttons and pushed and pushed and pushed. Eventually I would have enough and yell at him. Then I would see the smirk on his face...this was his indication that he won and things would settle down for a while.
He started sneaking out at night, bringing girls back to the house and sneaking them off in the morning. He began to regularily be sick on Saturday mornings complaining that it was something he ate. His appetite was up and down and many times he would arrive home buzzing with energy and talking 100 miles a minute. His mood was either grumpy, pouting, angry or very happy.
He started hanging out with the rough crowd. He stopped talking to us, he hid out in the basement, and occasionally came home with bruises and once with a knife wound on his arm.
Then the police were involved but of course none of it was his fault. Then after many problems at school he was expelled. He is now homeless with no ID, no Job (he got fired from his last three because of being a no-show) and is now couch surfing. He feels if he gets a job then all the money will have to be used to pay bills, so why work?
So, why does it bother me so much that my mother said I never gave him enough love? This is why.
Before I came out of rehab we tried family councellilng and individual councellilng to help overcome difficulties in the family. But as you all well know the addiction has to be dealt with first before you can actively work on any relationship or personal problems.
But now being on the good side of life we still needed family help. My son was acting up and we got him all the help possible from paying for therapists ourselves, getting the Veterans assistance for help, provincial youth workers, social workers and even psychiatrists to help this situation that was blowing out of proportion. We actually were proactive in all the help in order to prevent any more of the downward spiral. Yet it did not work.
Our son just used these sessions to learn how to talk the therapy talk, make himself sound good to everyone then just escalate his behaviour further. We exhausted all our resources getting help and we were still stuck with a child who would not give two _ _ _ about getting along in life.
We were baffled. Exasperated, frustrated and absolutely stressed to the point of breaking up our relationship over him. We were walking on eggshells every time he came home wondering what chaos he had created, who would show up at our door looking for him, wondering what problems he made and finally we threw our hands up in the air in total frustration because nothing we did helped. Nothing. So was what we did for him out of love? Yes! Because if we did not love him why the heck did we spend so many years of constant professional help to assist us on helping him and us. our efforts speak for themselves. But what happened?
What turned our son into this sociopathic, manipulative, lying, cheating person? What did we do wrong to make him into what he is now? What could we have done better? Was there something we missed? What is the question, what? What else is there?
Well after our son left home for the last time we found this out. His mother was promoting his negative behaviours, alienating me by badmouthing, creating stories and just generally perpetuating him to become everything I was so strongly striving against, which was him turning out poorly. I know now that when dealing with an addict that if at least one person is promoting their behaviour, supporting them or just generally telling him that he is doing nothing wrong that there is absolutley nothing the other parent can do to prevent the child from destroying themselves. Nothing at all, nothing.
So is the answer more love? Showing it in a different way? Expressing yourself by bending over backwards to ensure your child never has to deal with problems they created? Hmmm....I don't know. Perhaps giving the child the opportunity to help rebuild his Dads' boat, or even helping the child buy a cool car and fix it up, go hiking and fishing, go to a movie, or even go on a vacation together to Hawaii. How about having what we call a 'Fat *******' night where on a Friday or Saturday we get pizza, chips, Pop, and other snacks and watch movies together? I don't know but these things sound pretty normal to me and are done out of love. Because I do love my son I love him so darn much that seeing him suffer like he is now is killing me inside.
I want him to hit bottom so I can help pick him up and guide him to a better life. So I stand back and watch as there is nothing else I can do but give him moral and emotional support. I can't give him money, pay his bills, or give him things because he is an addict. And addicts don't think strait plus his mother is promoting his behaviour and no matter how hard I try she will not stop.
I do not respond to his crazyness anymore. I don't bite at his bait as that will only fuel his fire. I do this because I love him and because it is the right thing to do. If I enabled him I would be putting him in a grave or visiting him in jail that is why I have backed off and let him figure things out on his own. So MOM I am rather offended that you suggested that I never gave him enough love because if I did he would be a normal kid right now.
So, I ask my MOM why are my other two kids acting like regular normal kids when I have given more of myself to the other one and he did not turn out so good. What is it that went wrong? Love has nothing to do with this when drugs or alcohol are involved.
I pray and hope that my son discovers that there is a better life out there than the one he is living and there will always be a loving and caring family here waiting for him.
This is my situation. I am a divorced parent who has full custody of our son who is hell bent on destroying his life. He is resentless and remorseless of everything he does to get attention. Rather than good attention he prefers the bad attention as it causes a whirlwind of drama. He is a consumate liar, manipulator, theif, addicted to alcohol and readily admits he does drugs.
I am a recovering alcoholic since March of 09 and have regularily gone to AA, therapy sessions, family sessions and even phsyciatric help in order to acheive a 'normal kind' of life. My partner goes to Alanon and together we are actively working to better our lives. Since coming back from rehab in 09 my son took a very drastic turn.
When I arrived home I finally started to enforce our family rules such as bedtime at 9 and you can read till 10. Only an hour of TV or video games on weekdays and everyone must pitch in to do chores. Simple and normal everyday home life. Or so we thought.
My son, as expected, pushed the limits and tested my boundaries. Consequences followed, minor at first, then gradually became bigger. He went NUTS! This was expected and we knew the storm was only going to get bigger before it petered out. Well that was not the case as he just escallated.
He started acting up at school, his marks were dropping, he started lying constantly and started to steal. Of course his denial was absolute and he was greatly offended that we called him on his actions. He started burning through friends like wildfire and cared not for any of his or other peoples possesions. Absolutely no remorse at all for what he was doing.
He pushed my buttons and pushed and pushed and pushed. Eventually I would have enough and yell at him. Then I would see the smirk on his face...this was his indication that he won and things would settle down for a while.
He started sneaking out at night, bringing girls back to the house and sneaking them off in the morning. He began to regularily be sick on Saturday mornings complaining that it was something he ate. His appetite was up and down and many times he would arrive home buzzing with energy and talking 100 miles a minute. His mood was either grumpy, pouting, angry or very happy.
He started hanging out with the rough crowd. He stopped talking to us, he hid out in the basement, and occasionally came home with bruises and once with a knife wound on his arm.
Then the police were involved but of course none of it was his fault. Then after many problems at school he was expelled. He is now homeless with no ID, no Job (he got fired from his last three because of being a no-show) and is now couch surfing. He feels if he gets a job then all the money will have to be used to pay bills, so why work?
So, why does it bother me so much that my mother said I never gave him enough love? This is why.
Before I came out of rehab we tried family councellilng and individual councellilng to help overcome difficulties in the family. But as you all well know the addiction has to be dealt with first before you can actively work on any relationship or personal problems.
But now being on the good side of life we still needed family help. My son was acting up and we got him all the help possible from paying for therapists ourselves, getting the Veterans assistance for help, provincial youth workers, social workers and even psychiatrists to help this situation that was blowing out of proportion. We actually were proactive in all the help in order to prevent any more of the downward spiral. Yet it did not work.
Our son just used these sessions to learn how to talk the therapy talk, make himself sound good to everyone then just escalate his behaviour further. We exhausted all our resources getting help and we were still stuck with a child who would not give two _ _ _ about getting along in life.
We were baffled. Exasperated, frustrated and absolutely stressed to the point of breaking up our relationship over him. We were walking on eggshells every time he came home wondering what chaos he had created, who would show up at our door looking for him, wondering what problems he made and finally we threw our hands up in the air in total frustration because nothing we did helped. Nothing. So was what we did for him out of love? Yes! Because if we did not love him why the heck did we spend so many years of constant professional help to assist us on helping him and us. our efforts speak for themselves. But what happened?
What turned our son into this sociopathic, manipulative, lying, cheating person? What did we do wrong to make him into what he is now? What could we have done better? Was there something we missed? What is the question, what? What else is there?
Well after our son left home for the last time we found this out. His mother was promoting his negative behaviours, alienating me by badmouthing, creating stories and just generally perpetuating him to become everything I was so strongly striving against, which was him turning out poorly. I know now that when dealing with an addict that if at least one person is promoting their behaviour, supporting them or just generally telling him that he is doing nothing wrong that there is absolutley nothing the other parent can do to prevent the child from destroying themselves. Nothing at all, nothing.
So is the answer more love? Showing it in a different way? Expressing yourself by bending over backwards to ensure your child never has to deal with problems they created? Hmmm....I don't know. Perhaps giving the child the opportunity to help rebuild his Dads' boat, or even helping the child buy a cool car and fix it up, go hiking and fishing, go to a movie, or even go on a vacation together to Hawaii. How about having what we call a 'Fat *******' night where on a Friday or Saturday we get pizza, chips, Pop, and other snacks and watch movies together? I don't know but these things sound pretty normal to me and are done out of love. Because I do love my son I love him so darn much that seeing him suffer like he is now is killing me inside.
I want him to hit bottom so I can help pick him up and guide him to a better life. So I stand back and watch as there is nothing else I can do but give him moral and emotional support. I can't give him money, pay his bills, or give him things because he is an addict. And addicts don't think strait plus his mother is promoting his behaviour and no matter how hard I try she will not stop.
I do not respond to his crazyness anymore. I don't bite at his bait as that will only fuel his fire. I do this because I love him and because it is the right thing to do. If I enabled him I would be putting him in a grave or visiting him in jail that is why I have backed off and let him figure things out on his own. So MOM I am rather offended that you suggested that I never gave him enough love because if I did he would be a normal kid right now.
So, I ask my MOM why are my other two kids acting like regular normal kids when I have given more of myself to the other one and he did not turn out so good. What is it that went wrong? Love has nothing to do with this when drugs or alcohol are involved.
I pray and hope that my son discovers that there is a better life out there than the one he is living and there will always be a loving and caring family here waiting for him.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome redfisher -
It must be heartbreaking to see your son going through this. Hopefully, he'll get tired of the life he's leading and see it for what it is. He's lucky to have you.
Are you going to AlAnon or getting counseling (in other words, taking care of you?).... We have a Family/Friends forum here that you might want to check out:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
It must be heartbreaking to see your son going through this. Hopefully, he'll get tired of the life he's leading and see it for what it is. He's lucky to have you.
Are you going to AlAnon or getting counseling (in other words, taking care of you?).... We have a Family/Friends forum here that you might want to check out:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome to SR redfisher - we're happy you found us.
I hope it helps you to be here, where I'm sure others have been through the same sort of thing. It certainly sounds like there's been no lack of love or concern! Sometimes baffling things happen that make no sense, especially where families are concerned. We parents care so deeply and try so hard - but sometimes it's out of our control.
I hope you won't blame yourself - and as artsoul said - begin to take care of you. I'm hoping you'll feel a little better by coming here and telling your story. We care.
I hope it helps you to be here, where I'm sure others have been through the same sort of thing. It certainly sounds like there's been no lack of love or concern! Sometimes baffling things happen that make no sense, especially where families are concerned. We parents care so deeply and try so hard - but sometimes it's out of our control.
I hope you won't blame yourself - and as artsoul said - begin to take care of you. I'm hoping you'll feel a little better by coming here and telling your story. We care.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Sounds like you've done everything right, now it's up to your son to do the right thing... but it sounds like he's not willing to change right now. I hope for your sake you can have some peace in your home. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Your post really hit home. In some ways my mother could have written this post about my brother.
Every single thing you posted about his behavior was the same
I am a parent. I have a son. I know the unconditional love a parent has for their child. There are no lengths you will not go. It sounds like you have not only went through all those but then some.
My mother was like you and your mother combined. She helped and enabled. She got him treatment/counseling, not to the degree you described but then this was 29 years ago. When he turned 18 my father had had enough. He kicked him out of the house. He was tired and emotionally drained. We all were. We loved him, but love is not enough.
My mother would not let go like you have. She did not practice tough love. She would drive to his place at the boarding house and have me go upstairs and wake him up for work and then take him to work. When he spent that money he earned from work on alcohol and drugs she skimmed money off the household to pay for his room and buy him food. There are many more examples but you get the drift. The circle went around and around.
I wish my mother had been stead fast like you are and have been. I hold many resentments towards her for giving herself to him more than she gave to me. I read on here that forgiveness is required to let go of the hope for a better past. I am working on that. A part of me, and I hate myself for thinking this way, wants to blame her. If she would have just let him go and hit bottom.
My mother took the same type of treatment from her father. You did not do enough. You did not love him enough. You were not strict enough etc.
If my brother had discovered there was a better life and had not made the choice he did then we might feel a lot different. There is no way to know.
Dreaming, wishing, hoping and praying for a better past won't help and it won't change anything.
I agree you when you say love is not enough. You have done everything that love can do and what it can't do, you have also done. All you can do now is what you are doing.
Every single thing you posted about his behavior was the same
I am a parent. I have a son. I know the unconditional love a parent has for their child. There are no lengths you will not go. It sounds like you have not only went through all those but then some.
My mother was like you and your mother combined. She helped and enabled. She got him treatment/counseling, not to the degree you described but then this was 29 years ago. When he turned 18 my father had had enough. He kicked him out of the house. He was tired and emotionally drained. We all were. We loved him, but love is not enough.
My mother would not let go like you have. She did not practice tough love. She would drive to his place at the boarding house and have me go upstairs and wake him up for work and then take him to work. When he spent that money he earned from work on alcohol and drugs she skimmed money off the household to pay for his room and buy him food. There are many more examples but you get the drift. The circle went around and around.
I wish my mother had been stead fast like you are and have been. I hold many resentments towards her for giving herself to him more than she gave to me. I read on here that forgiveness is required to let go of the hope for a better past. I am working on that. A part of me, and I hate myself for thinking this way, wants to blame her. If she would have just let him go and hit bottom.
My mother took the same type of treatment from her father. You did not do enough. You did not love him enough. You were not strict enough etc.
If my brother had discovered there was a better life and had not made the choice he did then we might feel a lot different. There is no way to know.
Dreaming, wishing, hoping and praying for a better past won't help and it won't change anything.
I agree you when you say love is not enough. You have done everything that love can do and what it can't do, you have also done. All you can do now is what you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I wish you were my parent.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. I know that it is hard, and you have exhausted all options. I really do hope that your son comes around, and will see how much you truly do love him. The one thing that I thought of, was sending this beautifully constructed, thoughtful, letter to your mother. I think that it would be good for her to read this. I heard a lot in this. Be well!
I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. I know that it is hard, and you have exhausted all options. I really do hope that your son comes around, and will see how much you truly do love him. The one thing that I thought of, was sending this beautifully constructed, thoughtful, letter to your mother. I think that it would be good for her to read this. I heard a lot in this. Be well!
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