Scared and not coping well with husbands addiction

Old 05-21-2013, 12:29 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Scared and not coping well with husbands addiction

Hello. I stumbled to this forum whole looking for advice on talking to my husband about his drinking. A little background and I am sorry if this is really long but I really have had no avenue to discuss this before and I feel like I have so much to say.
I am a mother of three (16,13,11) and have been married for 17 years. Over the past 5 years my husband increased his alcohol consumption little by little. In the beginning I did not notice as it was “only” a beer or two per night after work. He holds a very good job, albeit stressful, and the drinking has not interfered with that. He does not drink at work during the day it begins after work everyday and all weekend long. He drinks between 6 and 8 beer per night. The weekends much more and Friday evening through Sunday I don’t know that he draws a sober breath.
It has bothered me for the last two years and we have had mild arguments over it. Discussions more so. Over the last couple of years when he has been really intoxicated and an argument ensued he has said, “Maybe I should go to AA, what do you think”? My response has been, “I can’t make that choice for you, you have to want to go for yourself”. This tells me he knows there is a problem, but has not made the steps to resolve it.
Our son (16) confronted his father three weeks ago. It seems when the alcohol really takes hold of him he wants to try to be a Dad. It usually ends in an argument between the two of them. Our son said to him, “Dad, I love you, but why do you always have to drink on Sunday? I have no respect for you when you drink, you act stupid.” They argued and our son left for the rest of the evening telling me to call him when Dad sobers up. I sent my husband to bed for the night at 7 pm that Sunday and our son returned. There have been several incidents similar to this. Our other two children do not get involved but I am not that naďve, I know they see it and it is affecting them. Unfortunately my husband does not see that it is his drinking that is causing the issues between him and out son, he is of the opinion that he is just disrespectful.
I have let this go on, without doing much to try to stop it and I am not coping very well with it any longer. I do not cry but I want to, I try to be strong and I know I am showing that on the outside, but I feel like I could crumble at any moment. I know I enable it as I take over as if I am the only parent. I make sure everyone is fed and happy, I take them to friends houses and all the events that they are involved in. I attend as many of their sports events as I can. I am certain the other parent around know something is up as he does not attend any events in the evening or on the weekend. If I am not home it seems he drinks more tho so it’s a catch 22.
Before everyone jumps on the Al Anon bandwagon, I will tell you that I attended one meeting. I come from a very small community and the night I went it was me and the facilitator. I knew I didn’t have to speak but with no one else there so it was rather uncomfortable. I said what I wanted to but I have not returned. Its also hard because I do not want to leave the kids at home with him if he is drinking and as I said before when I am home he tends to drink a bit less.
This weekend I tried to figure out the cost financially (I already know the emotional toll it is taking). So Monday until Sunday evening, my husband alone consumed 3 bottles of wine and 80 beer. The numbers are staggering to me.
All that being said. I did let this go for a long time and I am uncertain how to confront or talk to him about it. I have made the decision that I am not willing to live like this, it is much less then myself and our three kids deserve. My heart breaks for our kids and I do not want them thinking that this is everyones “Normal”. But how do I approach the subject without causing a fight. Our kids are always at home during the week and in case of an argument I would prefer them not to be around and on the weekends he is usually too intoxicated and I stay quiet as not to cause an argument.
Any advice would be appreciated. Once again, sorry for the lengthy post….
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Old 05-21-2013, 12:38 PM
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My husband was bothered for quite some time by my drinking, but "looked the other way" mostly as he doesn't like confrontation. It got to the point however, that he could no longer look the other way...he was worried about my health (and rightly so). He called the 800 number for alcoholics anonymous and asked advice on the best way to bring the subject up with me. They gave him tips, and told him the best way to go about it, and the things NOT to say etc.

He finally did confront me in a loving way, and I was not surprised...I knew it was coming because I could see myself it had gotten way out of hand.

It sounds as though your husband may already be thinking about the possibility he has a problem as well.

Anyway, good luck.
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Old 05-21-2013, 12:46 PM
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So sorry for what brings you here.

I'm the alcoholic in my relationship. I don't know if talking to me did any good. I defended my drinking until I decided it was time to quit...and it wasn't because of a discussion someone had with me.

I'm not saying don't have a discussion, I just can't offer you a strategy to make it successful. But as the A I can tell you this: don't listen to what he says he's going to do. Watch what he does. Action over words and promises.

We have a forum for family of alcoholics.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Feel free to pop over there. Maybe someone's post will strike a cord with you. You surely aren't alone here with your troubles.
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Old 05-21-2013, 12:51 PM
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Thank you I will post my thoughts there. New these forums not so sure where is a good place to post.

Thanks again.
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Old 05-21-2013, 01:24 PM
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Location: Kingsport, TN
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I was just like your husband for many years. My drinking began to build and build and build. My wife told me about it many times, and my kids as well. I told them I was slow down, but I never did. I would keep telling myself one more won't hurt, and kept justifying it in my mind. It led to quite a few arguments between me and my wife. I was spending money left and right, going to my kids games drunk,m and even got caught sneaking beer to my wife's softball game once.

I knew that I had a problem, and I stopped a few times for her and my kids, but it never lasted. I found that I had to want to stop for myself as well. I am almost a year sober now, and I feel different this time. I know I will make it. My wife left me and that is what opened my eyes and made me want to stop before I became a ruin. I don't know what to say to you, as everyone if different, but I can tell you how I acted when my wife approached me about my drinking problem.

I grew mad when she mention how much money it was costing us. It made me mad because I felt she was only worried about the money and not my health. I was selfish in that regard, but it's how I felt at the time. I would scoff at her every attempt to talk to me about it. Also the night my wife left, I did and said some very hurtful things to her, and my 9 year old son threw a what-not at me in defence of his mother. I was seeing what I was becoming, Someone that was losing his son's respect. I haven't drunk since.

I hope that I helped in some way.
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