Scared and not coping well with husbands addiction
Hello. I stumbled to this forum whole looking for advice on talking to my husband about his drinking. A little background and I am sorry if this is really long but I really have had no avenue to discuss this before and I feel like I have so much to say.
I am a mother of three (16,13,11) and have been married for 17 years. Over the past 5 years my husband increased his alcohol consumption little by little. In the beginning I did not notice as it was “only” a beer or two per night after work. He holds a very good job, albeit stressful, and the drinking has not interfered with that. He does not drink at work during the day it begins after work everyday and all weekend long. He drinks between 6 and 8 beer per night. The weekends much more and Friday evening through Sunday I don’t know that he draws a sober breath.
It has bothered me for the last two years and we have had mild arguments over it. Discussions more so. Over the last couple of years when he has been really intoxicated and an argument ensued he has said, “Maybe I should go to AA, what do you think”? My response has been, “I can’t make that choice for you, you have to want to go for yourself”. This tells me he knows there is a problem, but has not made the steps to resolve it.
Our son (16) confronted his father three weeks ago. It seems when the alcohol really takes hold of him he wants to try to be a Dad. It usually ends in an argument between the two of them. Our son said to him, “Dad, I love you, but why do you always have to drink on Sunday? I have no respect for you when you drink, you act stupid.” They argued and our son left for the rest of the evening telling me to call him when Dad sobers up. I sent my husband to bed for the night at 7 pm that Sunday and our son returned. There have been several incidents similar to this. Our other two children do not get involved but I am not that naďve, I know they see it and it is affecting them. Unfortunately my husband does not see that it is his drinking that is causing the issues between him and out son, he is of the opinion that he is just disrespectful.
I have let this go on, without doing much to try to stop it and I am not coping very well with it any longer. I do not cry but I want to, I try to be strong and I know I am showing that on the outside, but I feel like I could crumble at any moment. I know I enable it as I take over as if I am the only parent. I make sure everyone is fed and happy, I take them to friends houses and all the events that they are involved in. I attend as many of their sports events as I can. I am certain the other parent around know something is up as he does not attend any events in the evening or on the weekend. If I am not home it seems he drinks more tho so it’s a catch 22.
Before everyone jumps on the Al Anon bandwagon, I will tell you that I attended one meeting. I come from a very small community and the night I went it was me and the facilitator. I knew I didn’t have to speak but with no one else there so it was rather uncomfortable. I said what I wanted to but I have not returned. Its also hard because I do not want to leave the kids at home with him if he is drinking and as I said before when I am home he tends to drink a bit less.
This weekend I tried to figure out the cost financially (I already know the emotional toll it is taking). So Monday until Sunday evening, my husband alone consumed 3 bottles of wine and 80 beer. The numbers are staggering to me.
All that being said. I did let this go for a long time and I am uncertain how to confront or talk to him about it. I have made the decision that I am not willing to live like this, it is much less then myself and our three kids deserve. My heart breaks for our kids and I do not want them thinking that this is everyones “Normal”. But how do I approach the subject without causing a fight. Our kids are always at home during the week and in case of an argument I would prefer them not to be around and on the weekends he is usually too intoxicated and I stay quiet as not to cause an argument.
Any advice would be appreciated. Once again, sorry for the lengthy post….