Fiance is an alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Flint, MI
Posts: 5
Fiance is an alcoholic
HI all,
I don't know if I'm in the right place, but I don't really know where to go. My fiance/my best friend/my life just admitted after a really hard drinking binge that he is and has been forever, an alcoholic. His entire family is as well. I am having trouble understanding because this is all new to me. I am angry at his mom for being drunk, I don't know how to act anymore. It's stupid because nothing's changed except, I now know the facts that he has been sugar-coating all this time. I already knew, but it just hit hard when he admitted it. He is having a lot of trouble because he doesn't think I like his family. And it's not that. It's just that I am pissed off and all I want is for everyone to be happy and I just simply don't understand. I am trying to be supportive, but he is so depressed. He hasn't drank for a month and he's been to a couple AA meetings. Last night we got into an argument and he left and when he finally came back he was crying and admitted he was going to drink but decided against it. That's good, I suppose. We are just having such a hard time through these first stages. I have suggested he see a therapist but his response was he doesn't know where to go. I am having doubts and wonder if I like only the drunk side of him. I know that's completely untrue, but He seems so lost right now. He seeks my comfort and then turns away from me. From what I've read, this is all very normal. It's just hard. I have taken on pretty much all the tasks. I pay the bills, I clean, I cook, I take care of the pets and the laundry. He is still working and is almost obsessive with it and saving money. We were looking for houses because we are getting married next year, but he gets very nervous everytime we do. I told him we could put it off for a long while. He keeps telling me he needs space......and all I want to do is be there for him. I feel like his mother right now. His hurt dwells inside of me. Does anyone have some advice for me? I'll have to tell him about this website, but he's not too interested in using the computer like me. Thanks--sorry this is sooo long.
I don't know if I'm in the right place, but I don't really know where to go. My fiance/my best friend/my life just admitted after a really hard drinking binge that he is and has been forever, an alcoholic. His entire family is as well. I am having trouble understanding because this is all new to me. I am angry at his mom for being drunk, I don't know how to act anymore. It's stupid because nothing's changed except, I now know the facts that he has been sugar-coating all this time. I already knew, but it just hit hard when he admitted it. He is having a lot of trouble because he doesn't think I like his family. And it's not that. It's just that I am pissed off and all I want is for everyone to be happy and I just simply don't understand. I am trying to be supportive, but he is so depressed. He hasn't drank for a month and he's been to a couple AA meetings. Last night we got into an argument and he left and when he finally came back he was crying and admitted he was going to drink but decided against it. That's good, I suppose. We are just having such a hard time through these first stages. I have suggested he see a therapist but his response was he doesn't know where to go. I am having doubts and wonder if I like only the drunk side of him. I know that's completely untrue, but He seems so lost right now. He seeks my comfort and then turns away from me. From what I've read, this is all very normal. It's just hard. I have taken on pretty much all the tasks. I pay the bills, I clean, I cook, I take care of the pets and the laundry. He is still working and is almost obsessive with it and saving money. We were looking for houses because we are getting married next year, but he gets very nervous everytime we do. I told him we could put it off for a long while. He keeps telling me he needs space......and all I want to do is be there for him. I feel like his mother right now. His hurt dwells inside of me. Does anyone have some advice for me? I'll have to tell him about this website, but he's not too interested in using the computer like me. Thanks--sorry this is sooo long.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi and welcome!
First off congratulations on 30 day's to your b/f. That really is awesome. Understand however, it's very hard. Most of us initially feared sobreity as we simply did not know how to handle life, emotions, relationships, jobs, without drinking. So he's made a really good start and should be proud. I hope he continues meetings, it does get so much better.
Now my dear, for you, the best thing you can do is visit Al-Anon, we have a great forum of fabulous people in your shoe's who can lend support and understanding and a tad bit of advice. If you like what you see, can relate to the similarities, perhaps trying a reall face to face meeting in your area will help you better deal with an alcoholic in your life. He has to work through his own demons, you can only support him in staying sober each day, not to much more.
Glad your hear!
First off congratulations on 30 day's to your b/f. That really is awesome. Understand however, it's very hard. Most of us initially feared sobreity as we simply did not know how to handle life, emotions, relationships, jobs, without drinking. So he's made a really good start and should be proud. I hope he continues meetings, it does get so much better.
Now my dear, for you, the best thing you can do is visit Al-Anon, we have a great forum of fabulous people in your shoe's who can lend support and understanding and a tad bit of advice. If you like what you see, can relate to the similarities, perhaps trying a reall face to face meeting in your area will help you better deal with an alcoholic in your life. He has to work through his own demons, you can only support him in staying sober each day, not to much more.
Glad your hear!
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: left of center
Posts: 68
Hi- Don't be sorry!!! You are beginning to find your own answers and that is what it has to be about for you. My name is Amanda and I am an addict in recovery. You are right, it is wonderful that he decided not to use after your fight. But he DOES need to find his own answers, just like you do. Feeling like a mom - - - rough, and hard to stop that caretaking, I know. On top of being an addict, I have grown up around the addiciton of others and suffer from trying to take care of EVERYTHING too.
You may have seen that there are other forums in here - ones for Alanon and Naranon... You will get great support and feedback there for what YOU are going through and that is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for him) - - - because this IS happening to you too. The partners and family members and friends of addicts very often go through soooooo much pain because they fool themselves (and the addiction in their loved one fools them too - it wants them to keep on fixing things because that allows the sickness to continue to control everything around it) into thinking that they can DO something (ANYTHING!!!!) to help make things better. What you CAN do is learn about addiction and learn some tools to help YOU take care of you while your partner finds his own way.
Hard to let go... REALLY hard, but you are on the right track! And letting go doesn't have to mean losing your loved one, unless they choose not to recover for themselves. And that is up to them - - - - you cannot do anything to help them make that decision, with the possible exception of refraining from enabling them in their sickness. He sounds like he has a desire to stop. I wish you all the best in finding some peace for yourself... Keep on writing!
hugs to you! amanda
You may have seen that there are other forums in here - ones for Alanon and Naranon... You will get great support and feedback there for what YOU are going through and that is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for him) - - - because this IS happening to you too. The partners and family members and friends of addicts very often go through soooooo much pain because they fool themselves (and the addiction in their loved one fools them too - it wants them to keep on fixing things because that allows the sickness to continue to control everything around it) into thinking that they can DO something (ANYTHING!!!!) to help make things better. What you CAN do is learn about addiction and learn some tools to help YOU take care of you while your partner finds his own way.
Hard to let go... REALLY hard, but you are on the right track! And letting go doesn't have to mean losing your loved one, unless they choose not to recover for themselves. And that is up to them - - - - you cannot do anything to help them make that decision, with the possible exception of refraining from enabling them in their sickness. He sounds like he has a desire to stop. I wish you all the best in finding some peace for yourself... Keep on writing!
hugs to you! amanda
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
Welcome Evileyes,
I'm glad you found us and as the others have said, you might check out our AlAnon forum on this board. The best you can do is to look after yourself. Congratulations to your bf for his 30 days!
Anna
I'm glad you found us and as the others have said, you might check out our AlAnon forum on this board. The best you can do is to look after yourself. Congratulations to your bf for his 30 days!
Anna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Flint, MI
Posts: 5
The thirty days didn't last long. It's August (nearly sept) and he's out of work, drinking a LOT all by himself. Claiming to work on things. And telling me he doesn't want to be with me. And then changing his mind and loving me. (Just venting)
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