afraidofmyself

I was dating a guy a couple years ago who, I discovered shortly after we got together, was an alcoholic like me. I had had some sober time, but the minute I walked in his door on our first date, it was like an addiction rocket went off. He and I went on a drinking binge together for about two straight months, until I got pulled over for a 2nd DUI (my first one was just 6 1/2 years ago). I kept seeing him after, and we kept drinking together. Before I got sentenced, I went up north for a family party and got so drunk, I walked into a neighbors house and fell asleep on the couch. I’m not sure to this day if I thought I was in the right house or not as I have little memory of it. I was then looking at trespassing charges. I put myself into an alcohol rehab center, and luckily they did not press charges. I did get a pretty awful sentence for my DUI. I saw the guy a couple more times after my sentencing, but put an end to it soon after. I didn’t like him sober. After I got through my probation, I started drinking again. I actually couldn’t wait to start drinking again. And pretty soon, I was talking to him again. We spent a few weekends drinking together. He never seemed to care if I drank, or if I needed to get my kids, or what - he just seemed to like me at his house drunk. Anyway, long story short, I quit seeing him. I have been trying to get sober again over the past few months, having sober time, then two day binges where I make a big mess of things. The guy was still texting me. Nice things, wanting to get together. He’s never been mean, kind of passive. So last weekend, we were texting about getting together, and I was making plans with him, then breaking them over and over again, and I finally just got mean. I was drunk and told him he was a doormat, and said some other awful things to him. Really, based on our conversations, he didn’t deserve the attack, and I did apologize a couple days later, but I’m so embarrassed! I’m not myself when I’m drunk, I’m an angry, mean drunk. And this is just another example of me losing my temper with someone where I didn’t need to. I keep wanting to text this guy, but I know I need to let it rest. He didn’t respond to any of my messages, even my apology. I know the simple answer is - be glad you are rid of him. But our kids go to the same schools, and I know I’ll run into him at some point. My biggest issue is that when I lash out at someone, I have to deal with the potential of running into them at some point. Because of this, I don’t leave the house in fear of running into these people that have seen my “ugly” side. I’m a hermit, living in fear of that person I am when I’m drunk. How do I get past this and move on? It’s easy to say “let go, and move forward”, but I am just so disgusted with the person I am when I’m drunk, especially how mean I am, that I am horrified with myself. These feelings just make me want to isolate and drink again. What do I do to get past this? I want to be proud of myself and I’m not!

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR afraidofmyself

Y'know there is nothing like a bit of solid sober time to make the shame go away. If you keep going back to drinking then you are staying trapped in the cycle and won't be able to move on. Have you tried getting support to help you stay quit? Glad you're here x

RumHound

Afraid, thanks for sharing. Seems like things are getting progressively bad for you. But that can change. And you can change. Many people here begin their change by starting a program of recovery and asking for help.

For me, my life did not get better until I stopped drinking. I really did not know how to stop drinking. But I learned how from other people. You can do that too.

Stay connected to people who know how to not drink. Good luck.

least

Are you wanting to quit drinking? If so, you're in a good place for support.

Committed

Sounds like your problems come from drinking and it seems you're ready to quit. Today is one month for me without a drop of alcohol. One month ago I woke and said to myself, "enough" and quit after 25 years of drinking I quit. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I've found out in this last long month is that when you quit alcohol you also quit the alcohol life. My whole social life is in that world and I had to leave it behind if I want to get right. After about two weeks I physically started feeling better and these was good for my self confidant. Now I'm in round two with my fight against alcohol and believe me that's what it is, a fight. Letting go of that world has been an unforeseen hardship for me. I feel all along in my struggles, but I have found comfort in this and other sites like this one. Reading the personal stories of people's struggles and how they've emerged to a better and happier life really helps me. I'm in "The Suck" of recovery right now and when you decide start your road to recovery it's going to suck. It's going to suck may be an understatement even. The folks on these sites has been a tremendous help to me and hopefully their stories will help you too. We have to have faith that on the other side of this treble time is that better and happier life I keep reading about. There's a lot of us in "The Suck" right now and there's room for more, so come on in. There's a lot of people that's on the other side of "The Suck" and that's where I'm headed. I hope...

Anna

Yeah, alcohol also turned me into a nasty, bitter person and I hated the person I was. It's such an awful feeling. Know for sure that you can be a person you are proud of, you can be who you want to be, and more, in recovery.

Soberween

As hard as it sounds, I would put all this worry on the back burner and do whatever it takes to get sober. You'd be surprise how healing a good six months or year of sobriety can be. It gets easier with time. Once you are feeling stable and comfortable in your sobriety, you can make your amends. Start being the person you are meant to be not this sick, damaged version of yourself.