marriage
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: lakewood ca
Posts: 2
I think its to many hurts water under the bridge.
We have a 26 year old son disabled and lives at home adds to it as well.
Im not going to drink over this but would like to save my marriage.
Im sure you know I think the world should listen to and my hurts and concerns are never heard.
She is a great women but now is bring up so many old hurts 30 years ago and how i never feel her pain. I try to understand but its never enough . Thanks I need help
We have a 26 year old son disabled and lives at home adds to it as well.
Im not going to drink over this but would like to save my marriage.
Im sure you know I think the world should listen to and my hurts and concerns are never heard.
She is a great women but now is bring up so many old hurts 30 years ago and how i never feel her pain. I try to understand but its never enough . Thanks I need help
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
Well, I usually try to stay out of the relationship threads, but since I'm twice divorced I may have insights.
Bringing up very old misdeeds is usually a bad sign. My initial reaction is that it's not fair for her to do that, and that she is doing wrong by bringing them up. But I will not advise you to treat this problem as hers. It would not be fair for you to try to fix her, and I would not mention to her (yet) that bringing up old wounds is hurtful.
All you can do right now is look at yourself. What are you doing *now*? What are you doing now that might hurt the relationship, and what are you doing now to help the relationship? Just like recovery, you need to make a plan to make things better. If nothing changes, then nothing changes.
Once you make a plan, then maybe present that plan to her. She may be very happy that you want to make a real effort, and if she is it is a really good sign.
Bringing up very old misdeeds is usually a bad sign. My initial reaction is that it's not fair for her to do that, and that she is doing wrong by bringing them up. But I will not advise you to treat this problem as hers. It would not be fair for you to try to fix her, and I would not mention to her (yet) that bringing up old wounds is hurtful.
All you can do right now is look at yourself. What are you doing *now*? What are you doing now that might hurt the relationship, and what are you doing now to help the relationship? Just like recovery, you need to make a plan to make things better. If nothing changes, then nothing changes.
Once you make a plan, then maybe present that plan to her. She may be very happy that you want to make a real effort, and if she is it is a really good sign.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is failing but glad that you decided to reach out and that you aren't going to relapse over these marriage problems.
Obviously I don't know much about your marriage or the things that happened in the past, but it doesn't seem fair to bring things up that happened so long ago. After 30 years it is extremely unhealthy that she is still feeling resentments towards things that have happened. How can the two of you grow if things from 30 years ago are still being brought up? The only thing I can recommend is that the two of you go to marriage counseling. It sounds like there is some old pain that is resurfacing and it would prob. be a great help to talk it out with a third party who is a professional.
I hope that things work out. Communication is key so perhaps try to talk to her and see if she is willing to go to counseling.
Obviously I don't know much about your marriage or the things that happened in the past, but it doesn't seem fair to bring things up that happened so long ago. After 30 years it is extremely unhealthy that she is still feeling resentments towards things that have happened. How can the two of you grow if things from 30 years ago are still being brought up? The only thing I can recommend is that the two of you go to marriage counseling. It sounds like there is some old pain that is resurfacing and it would prob. be a great help to talk it out with a third party who is a professional.
I hope that things work out. Communication is key so perhaps try to talk to her and see if she is willing to go to counseling.
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