jsawyer1987

Greetings,

I signed up on this site to explore possible options and see what others have done to aid in their personal recovery or aiding their loved ones in recovery. My baby sister, whom I raised for the most part as a child, has developed and addiction to pain pills and a drinking problem on top of it. Last night (Early this morning I suppose) she hit rock bottom. She physically assaulted me because I would not let her jump out of a moving vehicle. I had to physically restrain her for the duration of the 15 minute car ride home. It was her birthday and she was highly intoxicated and high on pain pills. After arriving home, she continued to physically assault me, my mother, step dad, cousin and aunt. I had to carry her over my shoulder into the house while she bit/scratched/punched and flailed. As I approached the house, while carrying her, she grabbed onto the bush in the front yard and yanked herself out of my carry. She fell to the concrete and smacked her head. She has a fractured skull and is currently in the hospital.

After this incident, I decided to sit down and write what was on my mind. I wrote a short story about my relationship with my baby sister, and then I wrote a letter to my baby sister that I plan to give to her in the very near future.

The short story summarizes our life, relationship and hardships. The letter to her is my resignation. I cannot continue to live this way and I will no longer be a part of her life. I will not enable her anymore by being a part of her life until she gets professional help.

I would really like some opinions on the matter. I really want to have this letter delivered to my sister and I want her to read the words that I have not had the strength to say to her face. I want advice on whether or not the letter could have any negative consequences.

I will copy the short story and letter below.


Short Story
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There once was a young girl that could brighten my whole day with, simply, a laugh or a smile; someone that I loved talking to and being around. I could trust this girl with all my secrets and she would have taken a bullet for me, just as I would for her. I knew this girl to be the most caring and loving person in my entire world. I bragged to all my friends about this accomplished young girl AND it was obvious to everyone around that she was the apple of my eye.

I adored this young girl and for many years I looked after her as if she was not only my sister, but more. I took an almost father-figure like role for this young girl and I was blessed with the opportunity to see her blossom. She blossomed into this mature, young adult with all of her priorities in line. You have no idea what it feels like to see such a transformation; a young girl becoming a lady. This girl had everything going for her in life… And I loved her more than anything I’ve ever loved.

This juvenile seed had sprouted into a beautiful flower, full of color and life. I was so proud to be her brother; however, I was sad because I knew that I could not keep her under my wing forever. My baby caterpillar had changed into a beautiful butterfly with wings of its own. I felt very bitter-sweet about the situation. This, newly independent, young lady had started a new life and began her own journey. She started out on a straight path but somewhere along the way she had drifted off in an unknown direction.

I had always wanted the best for her and never approved of any of the boys that she dated. I loved my sister dearly and only wanted the best for her. No guy would ever be good enough for my baby sister. I, also, knew that she was now her own person. I allowed her to make her own decisions and to learn from her own mistakes. However, somewhere along her path she had become very lost.

I watched slowly as my sisters priorities in life had changed. She was no longer the mature young lady that I had bragged about to friends over the years. She had become a stranger and my heart broke every time I saw this person. It has been difficult for me over the past few years because I see the outer shell of the girl I loved with all my heart; yet, a stranger has filled the inside.

I despise of this stranger from the deepest part of my heart. I hate the person that has stolen my beautiful, fun-loving baby sister from my life. It has been years since I’ve seen the sister that I kept so close to my heart and I grieve constantly because I have to see the stranger that replaced her. This stranger has taken more from me than anyone will ever know. The worst feeling in the world is when you feel like your most loved one has died; yet, they still have a pulse and a heartbeat.

This stranger, whom I talk about, goes by the name Addiction. Addiction has taken my baby sister, and I want her back! My life has not been the same since I've had her stolen away from me.


Personal Letter
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*****

You have no idea how much I love you and how important you are to my life. I love you so much that I must do something that I never thought I could do. This is the last time you will hear from me. I will have this letter delivered to you and this will be the last you will ever hear from me unless you make some drastic changes in your life.

I cannot stand the person that you have become. You’re so lost and I can’t keep watching you deteriorate. I miss my sister and I hate this person you are now. You have become so lost over the years and I have become so bitter. It makes me sick to my stomach every time I’m around you. My beautiful, fun-loving, caring sister is dead to me. There is now a stranger that fills her shoes and I refuse to be a part of this stranger’s life. This stranger is not my sister and I hate this person with all of my heart.

You need to get help and your opinion does not matter in this case. I don’t care if you don’t think that you have a problem. If you care about and love me enough then you will get help regardless of your opinion of whether or not you are addicted to drugs.

Less than 2 months ago you had a nearly fatal seizure. Last night you physically assaulted me for the duration of our car ride home because I would not let you jump out of a moving car. I had to restrain you while you: punched, kicked, bit, scratched and spit on me. After we arrived home safely, you continued to physically assault me in the front yard. I never retaliated and I even watched as you physically assaulted our mother. You had to be restrained again and then I attempted to carry you into the house while you were still biting, scratching and punching me. As I struggled to carry you up the stairs while you were physically assaulting me, you decided to grab on to the bush so I could not take you inside. At this point you yanked yourself out of my arms and fell to the concrete. I heard your skull smash against the concrete. I had never felt so much heart ache in my entire life.

The cops and paramedics had already been dispatched and arrived shortly after. You resisted arrest with the cops and struggled with the paramedics; however, they finally got you loaded up in the ambulance. Mom, ***** and I drove to the emergency room to find out that you had suffered a fractured skull.

I seriously hope you consider getting help.

I will miss you dearly,

Joey

Mizzuno

Yes, okay I get where you are coming from. You are prepared to follow through with all that you have written, yes? I think that you are making the best decision that you possibly can for your health. Your sister needs a wake up call, this letter may not be it. Who knows if this hospital visit is the wake up call? I know that this is painful. I am sorry that your sister is absent. I am sorry that you are hurting.
Please stick around and keep posting. We are here for you Joey.

jsawyer1987

The stint in the hospital won't do a thing. She had a nearly fatal seizure less than two months ago and she went back to taking pain pills and drinking heavily the very same day she got out.

fantail

If at all possible, I think that you should speak to her in person. If not, then send a letter. But please consider editing this one before you send it. I don't think she'll hear it the same way that you mean it.

Your post makes it so clear how much you love her. But reading both the story and the letter, the word that punched me in the face was "hate". I know that you're saying that you hate the way the addiction has changed your sister. But if I were her and I received this letter, that's not what I would hear. I would hear that you hated me.

There is a lot of fear and shame that goes along with an addiction, even when it's not clear from the outside. After a few years of heavy drinking, I wasn't sure who I was anymore. If I'd gotten a letter like this, I wouldn't have felt confident that I could ever again be that person who I was before... and if I quit, and I wasn't, would I still be loved?

I did a little revision of what you wrote just as an example of what I mean. In any event, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your sister is very lucky to have you and I hope she sees that truth soon.


******,

You have no idea how much I love you and how important you are to my life. I love you so much that I must do something that I never thought I could do. Until you get help for your problem with pain pills and drinking, I can't be in contact with you. I will have this letter delivered to you and this will be the last you will hear from me unless you make some drastic changes in your life.

I can’t keep watching you deteriorate. You have become so lost over the years and I have become so bitter. You were always my beautiful, fun-loving, caring sister and I know that you still are underneath your problems. But things have gotten so bad lately.

You need to get help. I don’t care if you don’t think that you have a problem. If you care about and love me enough then you will get help regardless of your opinion of whether or not you are addicted to drugs.

Less than 2 months ago you had a nearly fatal seizure. Last night you physically assaulted me for the duration of our car ride home because I would not let you jump out of a moving car. I had to restrain you while you: punched, kicked, bit, scratched and spit on me. After we arrived home safely, you continued to physically assault me in the front yard. I never retaliated and I even watched as you physically assaulted our mother. You had to be restrained again and then I attempted to carry you into the house while you were still biting, scratching and punching me. As I struggled to carry you up the stairs while you were physically assaulting me, you decided to grab on to the bush so I could not take you inside. At this point you yanked yourself out of my arms and fell to the concrete. I heard your skull smash against the concrete. I had never felt so much heart ache in my entire life.

The cops and paramedics had already been dispatched and arrived shortly after. You resisted arrest with the cops and struggled with the paramedics; however, they finally got you loaded up in the ambulance. Mom, ***** and I drove to the emergency room to find out that you had suffered a fractured skull.

I will do anything I can to help you get better, but I can't sit back and watch while you self destruct. I seriously hope you consider getting help. Whenever you do, I will be here for you.

I will miss you dearly until then,

Joey

jsawyer1987

Fantail,

Thank you so much for the post. That post is exactly what I was looking for in a response. I know that my judgement is clouded due to recent events. I wanted someone that had experience in this situation and would be able to recognize the potentially negative aspects of my letter.

If there are anymore opinions on the matter, I would be forever grateful. I would really like to have this letter ready for tomorrow.

shockozulu

I had to go no contact with my older sister when she began to abuse some stimulant. I even changed my phone number and area code so she could not reach me. It's very hard but worth it to me. I have peace and serenity in my house, I also ended up with companionship when I was asked to adopt a mini dachshund by his owner. I've learned to take it one dy at a time. I also found the friends and family of substance Abusers here to be very helpful as well as AlAnon. I hope to see you over at our F&F board here

deeker

That was an amazing letter and I am just so impressed with your courage. It must have really come to a head. Most people who come in here that I have seen are still in the tryin to fix the other stage and enabling them. The only thing I saw that stood out to me was that you stated she should change for you and no matter how much you may want her to do that, it may not happen. Plus addicts don't like ultimatums.

She is ill. Addiction from what I have learned is a 3 fold disease of body, mind and spirit. No amount of pleading is going to change that.

Have you thought about an intervention with the family and people who care about her? Now might be a good time to do that while this episode is still fresh and she is feeling low and is still feeling the consequences. Definitely look into rehabs. I am sorry you are going through this. I believe if she doesn't decide to get help that you are making the right decision to cut her out of your life. It may just be the thing that helps her hit bottom.

Bless your heart!

SereneEdition

Hi Joey -

Are you doing ok? That's a really stressful set of events...
Great idea to get your thoughts down on paper to get clarity.

Question: Are you writing the letter because you need to set some boundaries to keep your sanity or is it in hopes that she will choose sobriety?

Your baby sis is very ill. She'll need to come to the decision to get sober on her own terms, so the letter won't have much effect on the later :/

Has she admitted that she has a problem yet? If not then she may need someone who has seen her at her worst that she can open up to & confide in that she needs help - this might be a turning point that you can help assist with by being present to guide her in getting help.

From personal experience going through this with my own baby sister - you'll need the ultimatum card to use for yourself when you really have given up on her recovering (you've accepted that death is inevitable). Plus it can't be taken back without losing situational power - and this is a situation that you want to manage well as her parent figure. Finally, there is nothing quite as lonely as feeling abandoned by your parent figure, which can trigger all kinds of additional problems - basically try not to give her a reason to justify her drinking. (We alcoholics will twist things to suit our needs). Not sure where you're at on the continuum but do want to throw out some scenarios so that you can think them through to see if they apply to you.

In the meantime, I DO recommend communicating clearly your needs & what happened - that you need some time and separation from the madness - but avoid making your re-connection dependent on her actions and instead based on your own decision.

I wish you the best. AlAnon is a great resource (to add to the other great suggestions).

jsawyer1987

Thank you all for your very helpful comments. I really appreciate everything and all comments are being noted. I would love to hear more on the subject; whether you think I want to hear it or not.

deeker

I'll bump ya

fantail

Hi again, I've been thinking about this and I have another suggestion... I think it would be really helpful if you wrote a paragraph about what you hope for her future. It should be as long or longer than the paragraph about all the recent problems she's had (and that paragraph can be shortened a bit). I think it will help her to imagine a way out if you imagine it with her.

Dee74

Hi js - welcome

I'm sorry for your situation and your pain but I'm glad you found us. We addicts have our journeys to make, but our loved ones have a journey too, and you guys deserve support as much, and maybe even more than we do.

I hope you'll also check out our Family and Friends forums too - there's a lot of people down there who've dealt with similar situations, and you'll find a lot of wisdom and support.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

best wishes to you, your family and your sister
D

daisy1

Your sister is so lucky to have you. I agree with those that have said the letter won't be what makes her stop - but it might help and be one of the many things that hopefully will make her decide eventually.
The words 'hate' did also jump out at me, and I know if I had got that letter from a loved one I would have thought you didn't understand me and hated me. Now I'm sober of course I would love to have a letter like that, and I would read it daily to remind me of what my addiction has done to my loved ones.

All the best I hope your sister gets through this and becomes the sunshine in your life again xxx

Sasha4

I have always wanted a big brother, never had one.
She is very blessed ti have you.

Perhaps a word of caution.

She's not your baby sister.
She is an adult.
Your adult sister.

I can fully understand you wanting to protect her, keep her safe, keep her out of harms way, but she has to do this herself.

No-one is forcing her to drink.
No-one is forcing her to take pills.

It is her choice and her own free will.

When I was confronted by family, did I stop?
No, I just made sure they never saw me drink and I went to extra lengths to make sure I kept it super hidden.
I had to 'get it' myself.
Nobody could get it for me.

Please don't take this as criticism, its not meant that way at all.
Its something the friends and family section will know much more about and its just my experience.

You sound like just the big brother I wanted. Still want in fact.

I wish you and your family well.
I wish your sister a speedy recovery.

My best to you.