Haunted and can't confess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 2
Haunted and can't confess
Hi, there
I am falling apart. I got sober on April 13, 2011. On February 25, 2012 I drank.. over a guy, no less. I didn't get drunk - not it really matters, I guess. I told a few people but not my sponsor and not the group, for sure. I got my one-year medallion anyway. This past June/July, I went on vacation, and smoked weed and felt zero guilt. But I drank two beers on the flight home for no reason I can think of besides that I am an alcoholic. I told NO ONE. Last night, I got my two-year medallion and I want to throw myself off a bridge for being such a liar.
I am not in danger of drinking right now and I am not in danger of killing myself. Besides lying like a rug about these slips, I have a strong program, loads of support, go to meetings every day, commitments, service, friends, love, gratitude, etc... I am afraid if I tell people that I drank, I will be too ashamed to show my face at meetings - I have been lying for 14 months!
All these HORRIBLE things have been happening lately - surgery, death, humiliating problems at work. I feel responsible for them all because I drank. AND I feel like if I am going to confess, I may as well go and get wasted first.
God help me. Thank you for reading.
I am falling apart. I got sober on April 13, 2011. On February 25, 2012 I drank.. over a guy, no less. I didn't get drunk - not it really matters, I guess. I told a few people but not my sponsor and not the group, for sure. I got my one-year medallion anyway. This past June/July, I went on vacation, and smoked weed and felt zero guilt. But I drank two beers on the flight home for no reason I can think of besides that I am an alcoholic. I told NO ONE. Last night, I got my two-year medallion and I want to throw myself off a bridge for being such a liar.
I am not in danger of drinking right now and I am not in danger of killing myself. Besides lying like a rug about these slips, I have a strong program, loads of support, go to meetings every day, commitments, service, friends, love, gratitude, etc... I am afraid if I tell people that I drank, I will be too ashamed to show my face at meetings - I have been lying for 14 months!
All these HORRIBLE things have been happening lately - surgery, death, humiliating problems at work. I feel responsible for them all because I drank. AND I feel like if I am going to confess, I may as well go and get wasted first.
God help me. Thank you for reading.
Last edited by WayTooMuch72; 04-16-2013 at 02:29 PM. Reason: glaring realization
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi WayTooMuch - welcome 
sounds to me if you make a clean breast of things you'd be divesting yourself of a really heavy burden.
I'm sure you're not the first person in this position or the last.
You may actually help someone else who's being weighed down by the same kinds of secrets.
Don't drink before hand - that's the way we used to think.
If you have a strong programme, then you need to use it...and honour it.
Don't let fear and pride keep you in this anguish.
D
sounds to me if you make a clean breast of things you'd be divesting yourself of a really heavy burden.
I'm sure you're not the first person in this position or the last.
You may actually help someone else who's being weighed down by the same kinds of secrets.
Don't drink before hand - that's the way we used to think.
If you have a strong programme, then you need to use it...and honour it.
Don't let fear and pride keep you in this anguish.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Olde England
Posts: 528
ouch - two options then I guess, live a lie until at some point you bump into your sponsor or someone in your group whilst leaving the bottle store or drunk and the lie gets exploded and is 10 times worse because you were Found Out.
Option 2, fess up to the slips - breathe deep and take the heat. A couple of weeks afterward when everythings back on track you will hopefully be wondering why the heck you tortured yourself for months.
The big problem with Option 1 is that your AV will continue to exploit the fact that you've made an exception ie it's OK to drink as long as you're very careful to do it on your own where no-one can see and you only do it now and then. Which basically means All Bets Are Off and it's only a matter of time before you go off the deep end and really screw things up.
Option 2, fess up to the slips - breathe deep and take the heat. A couple of weeks afterward when everythings back on track you will hopefully be wondering why the heck you tortured yourself for months.
The big problem with Option 1 is that your AV will continue to exploit the fact that you've made an exception ie it's OK to drink as long as you're very careful to do it on your own where no-one can see and you only do it now and then. Which basically means All Bets Are Off and it's only a matter of time before you go off the deep end and really screw things up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Hello. Your post has touched my heart. Thank you for sharing.
You can't go and throw yourself off a bridge, I get the sentiment though!
It is very admirable that you have started to make a path for yourself to come clean with this. I am sure that you are not the only person that has done this. All this sober time that you have racked up is yours and yours alone. You are not starting over at all. Im sure that you will feel better about all of this when you lay the burden down and stop carrying it around with you. I commend you for telling this forum what is going on.
We are here for you.
You can't go and throw yourself off a bridge, I get the sentiment though!
It is very admirable that you have started to make a path for yourself to come clean with this. I am sure that you are not the only person that has done this. All this sober time that you have racked up is yours and yours alone. You are not starting over at all. Im sure that you will feel better about all of this when you lay the burden down and stop carrying it around with you. I commend you for telling this forum what is going on.
We are here for you.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 496
Hello and congrats on all your sober time. That's a huge accomplishement in my eyes. I understand your guilt though. For myself, confession is good for the soul. I say this literally because being raised a Catholic, it was drummed in2 our heads as part of our religion. But even later in life, when my faith was weak, and I had fell away from the church, there came a time when I was so burdened with guilt about some things.. So I went and confessed it. Felt like a huge weight was lifted from me. Not trying to persuade you as what you should do. Just sharing my experience with something similiar. Hope this helps. And chin up, its not so bad as it seems!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 141
Our group does chips every Monday, and sometimes people get up with long term sobriety and accept a one day chip when those are being handed out. No big long explanation, no horrifying guilty confession, just an admission that you had a slip.
People have thanked those people that get up and commiserated with them in OD that they feel like they are on the edge, or have been there a few years back when they tossed a year or sobriety out the window, but they got back on it and are good again. That guilt seems overwhelming. Just accept your 24 hour chip (or whichever chip is appropriate) and move on with it. If that's all you feel like you can share, that's at least a step in clearing your conscience and coming back to good.
Welcome to SR!
People have thanked those people that get up and commiserated with them in OD that they feel like they are on the edge, or have been there a few years back when they tossed a year or sobriety out the window, but they got back on it and are good again. That guilt seems overwhelming. Just accept your 24 hour chip (or whichever chip is appropriate) and move on with it. If that's all you feel like you can share, that's at least a step in clearing your conscience and coming back to good.
Welcome to SR!
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
People who understand will understand those that don,t have their own issues to work on. I wonder if you told ypur sponsor in the first instance then work out how to proceed from there.
Keeping it in is eating you- its better off out.
The chips don,t matter - you do
Keeping it in is eating you- its better off out.
The chips don,t matter - you do
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
I, too, think you will be rid of a burden if you are open about this. It doesn't take away from the massive sober time you have had, and I think you will feel relieved and better. Perhaps tell your sponsor first?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 280
There are many who are walking around with 2 year or more tokens that have had more than their fair share of drinks, so you're not alone. First off, you sound a little OCD (No offense) you think bad things have happened because you believe you're living a lie? Sorry, but bad and good things happen reguardless of if you lie or tell the truth.
If its bothering you, just give the tokens back, and say "I can't in good consience keep these, as I have had alcohol on two occasions"
Now my personal opinion, you drank twice, didn't get wasted, didn't get out of hand. Just had a couple weak moments. But other than that, you've been sober. Those are such minor slips that I wouldn't even count them, especially with how far apart they were.
And just stay sober for the next two leap years, and you've made those days up.
I don't think you're living a lie... but thats me... I think you're being way to hard on yourself because you think bad things are happening to you because of some completely un related thing. Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc.
But if you feel you're living a lie, then you should come clean and not be embarassed, everyone lies, everyone makes mistakes... its how we correct those mistakes that matter.
If its bothering you, just give the tokens back, and say "I can't in good consience keep these, as I have had alcohol on two occasions"
Now my personal opinion, you drank twice, didn't get wasted, didn't get out of hand. Just had a couple weak moments. But other than that, you've been sober. Those are such minor slips that I wouldn't even count them, especially with how far apart they were.
And just stay sober for the next two leap years, and you've made those days up.
I don't think you're living a lie... but thats me... I think you're being way to hard on yourself because you think bad things are happening to you because of some completely un related thing. Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc.
But if you feel you're living a lie, then you should come clean and not be embarassed, everyone lies, everyone makes mistakes... its how we correct those mistakes that matter.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
They say "we are only as sick as our secrets". I'm sure you aren't the first person in this position & perhaps it would be freeing for you to just come clean. Your true friends will still support & accept you. Hugs to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 2
thank you so much!
Hi, all!
Thank you so much for all your suggestions! I've decided to come clean and already feel an enormous weight lifted! I told a good friend a little while ago, and we ended up laughing about it. Not because it is funny, but because it's not such a big deal. I am alcoholic and drug addict. Huge parts of my story are still playing out. I have had a crippling fear of rejection and humiliation my whole life, as many of us do. I didn't tell anyone because I was so disappointed in myself, and was sure I'd be humiliated and rejected. A another huge part of my story is hiding and suffering in silence - indeed being as sick as my secrets. I thought if I don't have witnesses, then it was like it didn't happen. This ate away at me and took me to suicide attempts. This is all alcoholic behavior. What a surprise I've been torturing myself!! I'm an alcoholic and I am acting like one!
Thank you all so much for your support and helping me make this decision. To quote a bunch of you who had especially powerful messages:
* And, try to be positive about how far you've come.
* Well, you told us and from what i am reading, the responses are loving, embracing and compassionate. Do you think that It might be the same with your family and sponsor?
* Seems like not telling is hurting you more than the drinks did.
* You can't keep this inside you any more. It's eating you alive.
* They say "we are only as sick as our secrets". I'm sure you aren't the first person in this position & perhaps it would be freeing for you to just come clean. Your true friends will still support & accept you.
* But if you feel you're living a lie, then you should come clean and not be embarassed, everyone lies, everyone makes mistakes... its how we correct those mistakes that matter.
* I, too, think you will be rid of a burden if you are open about this. It doesn't take away from the massive sober time you have had, and I think you will feel relieved and better.
* The chips don't matter - you do.
* No big long explanation, no horrifying guilty confession, just an admission that you had a slip. [I am going to talk to my sponsor and some friends about how to break the news].
* And chin up, its not so bad as it seems!
* Im sure that you will feel better about all of this when you lay the burden down and stop carrying it around with you.
* sounds to me if you make a clean breast of things you'd be divesting yourself of a really heavy burden. I'm sure you're not the first person in this position or the last. You may actually help someone else who's being weighed down by the same kinds of secrets. If you have a strong programme, then you need to use it...and honour it. Don't let fear and pride keep you in this anguish.
Thank you all so so much! I am practically happy about this decision! What a relief! I have been carrying this for 14 months!
xoxox
Thank you so much for all your suggestions! I've decided to come clean and already feel an enormous weight lifted! I told a good friend a little while ago, and we ended up laughing about it. Not because it is funny, but because it's not such a big deal. I am alcoholic and drug addict. Huge parts of my story are still playing out. I have had a crippling fear of rejection and humiliation my whole life, as many of us do. I didn't tell anyone because I was so disappointed in myself, and was sure I'd be humiliated and rejected. A another huge part of my story is hiding and suffering in silence - indeed being as sick as my secrets. I thought if I don't have witnesses, then it was like it didn't happen. This ate away at me and took me to suicide attempts. This is all alcoholic behavior. What a surprise I've been torturing myself!! I'm an alcoholic and I am acting like one!
Thank you all so much for your support and helping me make this decision. To quote a bunch of you who had especially powerful messages:
* And, try to be positive about how far you've come.
* Well, you told us and from what i am reading, the responses are loving, embracing and compassionate. Do you think that It might be the same with your family and sponsor?
* Seems like not telling is hurting you more than the drinks did.
* You can't keep this inside you any more. It's eating you alive.
* They say "we are only as sick as our secrets". I'm sure you aren't the first person in this position & perhaps it would be freeing for you to just come clean. Your true friends will still support & accept you.
* But if you feel you're living a lie, then you should come clean and not be embarassed, everyone lies, everyone makes mistakes... its how we correct those mistakes that matter.
* I, too, think you will be rid of a burden if you are open about this. It doesn't take away from the massive sober time you have had, and I think you will feel relieved and better.
* The chips don't matter - you do.
* No big long explanation, no horrifying guilty confession, just an admission that you had a slip. [I am going to talk to my sponsor and some friends about how to break the news].
* And chin up, its not so bad as it seems!
* Im sure that you will feel better about all of this when you lay the burden down and stop carrying it around with you.
* sounds to me if you make a clean breast of things you'd be divesting yourself of a really heavy burden. I'm sure you're not the first person in this position or the last. You may actually help someone else who's being weighed down by the same kinds of secrets. If you have a strong programme, then you need to use it...and honour it. Don't let fear and pride keep you in this anguish.
Thank you all so so much! I am practically happy about this decision! What a relief! I have been carrying this for 14 months!
xoxox
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