ND3579

I've been told every time I go out that I haven't accepted the first step. But I feel like I have I just don't care enough to change.

Thoughts?

deeker

U wouldn't be here if you didn't care just a little right?

ND3579

I wish I could chat but my phone won't allow it I guess. I have a Samsung Galaxy S3. Any help would be appreciated.

ND3579

That's just it I can't kick this deal man. I went to bed saying I had a new motivation. It lasted untik 2pm. Then I got bored and bought a fifth.

deeker

Ok ND, wanna take the 20 questions?

Maybe you need to see it.

AA's 20 Questions

ND3579

Deeker - I think I answered yes to all of them.

Dee74

Unfortunately chats not set up for phones Nick.
Lots of support here tho - welcome aboard

I'm not a 12 stepper but I think the apathy a lot of us feel is usually partly the direct effect of drinking regularly, and partly self esteem issues, bought on in part by drinking.

The solution is pretty obvious, even if we can't quite believe it in our hearts to start with,

I'm sure you care more than a little bit, and I'm sure you have people in your life who care about you too.

If you feel you could do more with your life I think you owe it to yourself to give yourself that chance.

D

ND3579

Dee-my lack of optimism has something to do with the amount of times I've gone back out. It just sucks going to 4 meetings in one day and being drunk by 1:30.

Dee74

I drank and stopped and drank again for the best part of 20 years, Nick.

Whatever we did yesterday or last week or last year - or even last century - need not have any bearing at all on what we do today...but thats up to you to make that decision I think.

D

ND3579

I sure wish I could have that spiritual awakening.

deeker

ND, I have been in and out for years and years. Only you know if you are done. I know I am done. See my latest thread, what could possibly happen. There is nothing good waiting out there for me. Absolutely nothing. You gotta decide. Ask yourself " Am I Done" If the answer is no, not much anyone can do for you.
I can pray though.
Maybe some of these threads will motivate you and give you hope.

littlefish

I assume you are referring to the 12 steps and the BB. You don't have to wait for the awakening to happen. I personally feel I will never have that dramatic awakening: I just don't think I'm set up that way. But if you check the back of the BB there is appendices II: the spiritual experience. It discusses that another approach to the spiritual awakening is working towards spiritual development. In other words, instead of waiting for it to happen, you can choose to develop through study, reading, classes, etc.

Nonsensical

I wasted more than 20 years waiting for that magic lightening bolt to come and make me feel like not drinking anymore. It never came.

What did come was the realization that I am not responsible for the fact that I feel like drinking.

I am, however, 100% responsible for drinking.

Best of Luck!

least

I've never worked the steps and can't say if I've had a spiritual awakening or not, but I know I no longer want to drink. I made up my mind that I wanted to be sober more than anything and I've stuck to that for the last three years.

I hope we can help you get sober and live a better life.

Threshold

ND,

I remember feeling as you describe, oh heck yes my life was unmanageable, but for a while I didn't want to see what was on the other side, then I didn't care, then I felt there was no hope. I had a lot of reasons why it didn't seem worth the hassle of getting clean and sober. It was the 2nd and 3rd steps that I wasn't on board with.

I had to believe there was something worth having in my future. I had to believe that even if I couldn't see it, couldn't even dream it, it was worth it to get clean and sober so I would be around should life have something good in store for me.

It was, at that point, life or death. Not wasted or not wasted, that point had been surpassed. Life and death.

I chose to give life a chance.

ND3579

Well I'm back at square one. I'm at ease though for some strange reason. Thursday I go before a judge formy first DUI and almost certainly going to jail for a month. Obviosly I'm nervous but maybe I'll come out after the forced sobriety with a better chance at long term sobriety.

In many respects I'm very lucky. I wish I could say I didn't think I'd drink the next couple days.

ScottFromWI

[QUOTE=NicksDad1970;3906904. I wish I could say I didn't think I'd drink the next couple days.[/QUOTE]

You can say that if you really want it bad enough. Try working on just one day first.

Michael66

Hi NicksDad

Personally what stopped me from giving up for a long time was that I didn't really want to give up. I too would give up for periods, but never with a real commitment to life-long sobriety. That might be a bit different from "not caring enough", but I just didn't want to accept life without alcohol. I sometimes wonder what I would say to that old self if I had the opportunity to go back in time. I think the only thing I could say is to tell the old me that life really really is so much better without alcohol and that now I prize sobriety so much more than I used to prize the freedom to drink. Coming to terms with the idea of giving up was for me by far the hardest step (a "step zero", if you like, as the 12 steps seems to assume a real desire to give up which was lacking in me for a long time). Once that step was made, and it took me years and years to make it, the rest was much easier.

But that's just one individual perspective.

ScoutBall

I'm not a 12 stepper either.
I don't want to come here and begin a battle either, but some of my issues has to do with different verbiage and what not. Maybe it's pride. I don't know.
I just know I'm not powerless. I can become so after drinking, and probably that is what is meant. Anyway...
I think deek hit it on the head. You gotta be done.
I know I am, and what that means for you is totally different, or perhaps it's the same.
I am sick of being sick. I'm sick of alcohol costing me my health, relationships, time, and money. I'm done.
I can't type here and say with 100% certainty that I will never drink again. But, I can say with absolute certainty, that I am not going to drink right now, later tonight, or in my sleep.
Tomorrow will become today...and I'm not going to drink today either.
It seems really hocus pocus, and step 82 this, blahblahblah...but really...it's working.
Not drinking today is my focus...and the more clear it becomes, the easier it's becoming.
I wish you well.
Scout

Veritas1

I felt that way. If I don't change, I must not care. I must have given up and accepted that this is the only way I know how to live my life.

The good news is that is a lie, and we can change.

Never give up.