Jaguar0425

Hi everyone, My plan was to read the post and not write anything because I did it again. Yesterday I found a local AA meeting who meets every morning at 7:30. Perfect!! I was going to go and park my butt in a chair every morning before work. Last night my sister needed a ride and then offered me a bowl of stew for taking her. My first thought was GO HOME!!. DON'T EVEN GET OUT OF THE TRUCK!! But no, I went in and of course she placed a beer in front of me as I was eating. I let it sit there for a pretty long time. Then I drank it....and 4 more. I went to bed feeling like a looser. Already planning not to come here for a while. I blamed my sister for me failing.
This morning I realize that I sabotaged my recovery. I do it all time. I just wish I could stop!! I know I have to change people, places and things but they are my family! How do I cut them off? I have no friends, no social life. If I stop associating with my sister I will be completely alone. I don't know what to do.

ted

HEY JAG,GO EASY ON YOUR SELF.
DID YOU TRY TELLING HER YOUR TRYING NOT TO DRINK ANYMORE?
IF SHE REALLY CARES,SHE'LL SUPPORT WHAT YOUR WANTING TO DO.
THAT IS A TOUGH SITUATION,I HAVE TO BE REAL CAREFUL BEING AROUND MY BROTHER.
STAY STRONG,YOU CAN DO IT!!!

ted :uzi2:

JaySee

Hi Jaguar

Don't beat yourself up mate. I've relapsed and I know how it feels. I try and use it as moment of learning, and certainly not as a failure.

I know it's difficult to say no. Especially if your sister doesn't know what you are doing. I usually say to people who perhaps I'm not ready to "tell all" (as it is MY business after all) that "I'm on a diet" or "I'm taking medication" or "I have to drive later" or anything that won't provoke difficult questions.

Keep the faith mate - you'll get stronger.

JC

Dan

Well, you may have to tell your loved ones about what you are trying to do regarding alcohol. Your sister should be able to respect your wishes is she is aware of them. The need to change the people, places and things does not always require severing a relationship I think. Have you discussed honestly with your family what you need? I'm sorry you were put in that situation Jag. But in the end, you know that it is you that decided to have those beers, and afterward drove home I take it. There's lots to do at first in recovery. Can be mind boggling maybe. Complete and rigorous honesty with all close to you will see to it that you are not placed in tough situations this early in your attempt to achieve a sober lifestyle.
Sabotage is a big word my friend. But it does describe how easily we can fall prey to our addiction. Don't let this deter you from your desire. It's happened to me too.

Anna

Jay and Ted are right. Talk to her. If she cares, she will cooperate. I hope she will be supportive of you. And, I used to sabotage myself too, over and over again. I learned that it was because I didn't think I deserved to be well, happy, have a good life. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

Love, Anna

Jaguar0425

I didn't tell my sister that I was quitting because in the past they've all made mean remarks about it. we're all addicts and I know that deep inside they feel that if I get sober they may have to look at their own problems. Even my mother has said that I think I'm better then they are when I've declined a "family" invitation because I didn't want to be the only sober one there. Sometimes I feel like screaming that I am better then they are...I'm not willing to settle for a life consumed by alcohol!!!! I want to be better. I want to be a normal person. I want to wake up and remember yesterday. Then I feel selfish and tell myself that I can go and have a few beers and controll my drinking. I even went as far as to promise myself that I will only drink when I'm with them. It's nuts! I don't see a way out of this insanity without drastically changing my boundaries when it comes to my family.

Thanks for everyone's input...I need help!
Lynda

Anna

Lynda,

I'm sorry for your situation, but I think your family are being the ones who are selfish. Granted, if they have a problem with alcohol as well, they will feel sensitive about you stopping, but you need support. It seems like you will need to distance yourself from your family, at least temporarily. Or, visit with family when alcohol isn't around - maybe meet your sister for a coffee somewhere. Once you have been sober for awhile, you may feel strong enough to deal with family/alcohol situations. I applaud you for recognizing your problem and your desire to get better. Keep posting.

Love, Anna

Chy

Anna said it well! You should explain that it's not reflection on their choices, this is what you want and need to do and you would appreciate their support. Until such time they can give it 100% it's best to stay out of the situation. You'll eventually be strong enough to pass on the beer but until that time don't set yourself up for failure. You know yourself the best, we all want some way to justify it. You did, by not wanting to hurt her feelings. It's all about YOU Jag and your desire and willingness to do whatever it takes. If your family truly loves you they will understand, though they may find teasing you to be a way of making themselves feel better.

ted

HEY JAG,FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
DON'T TELL YOUR GOD HOW BIG YOUR STORM IS
TELL YOUR STORM HOW BIG YOUR GOD IS.

MIGHT JUST WORK!...ted

amandaleepiscea

Lynda...
You will not be alone... promise... IF you go to those meetings you say you liked the idea of to start your mornings each day. It may take a while to really see it blossom, but if you stay consistent, you WILL develop new relationships. I agree too, that you hopefully won't have to sever your ties to family. If they love you they will support you if they can. If they are addicts themselves, however, you may find yourself in a position where your own life depends upon your separating a bit.

My personal experience was a bit different, but take what you can and just leave the rest, right? My sister and I are VERY close. My addiction took me soooooo far and sooooo deep into another "world" really, that I disappeared from all family and all history for about 5 years. I lived on the streets and was in and out of jails/prison. When I finally got tired enough to accept some help from my mother, who never gave up - even across country - I slowly but surely got clean. Part of my process required me to move into the home of my sister and brother in law with my daughter for a year - enough time to get on my feet and get a place of my own (which I did, thankfully, and have been on my own now for a year and a half). Well, sis and bro-in-law smoke pot and drink... not my call to say they are or are not addicts, but... the difficult thing was that I AM an addict and it is not safe or healthy for me to be around drugs or alcohol even infrequently without support from non-using friends... and I was LIVING with it. I never used with them, but I DID go out and use elsewhere. They didn't WANT me to use... that was a term/condition of my living there. They KNEW about my problem.

I guess I shared that to say to you that I know how hard it is to be around family who uses... friends... it makes it really hard to envision what I know today to be a beautiful, full and fullfilling lifestyle when you are surrounded by people who either aren't addicted and CAN use manageably, or are who can't but continue to use anyways. They can't relate to the notion of the new world/life you are trying to embrace, so how could you hope to receive any constructive support from them on this endeavor?

The only way I can keep my relationship with my sister - which is very important to me - is by doing what I have been doing for the past 2 years 4 months and 23 days now... being actively involved in my recovery. I have developed a second family. I am overwhelmed by the loving connections I have built with so many others on this same path. I remember feeling so sure I would never be connected like everyone else in the rooms was, but today I truly am and you can be too!

Hang in there! You are not your mistakes! You can do this with support! You ARE okay... prayers to you...........

amanda
eat your veggies!!! Get recovery!

Jaguar0425

WOW!!! You guys blow me away!! I can't remember the last time I felt this much support and understanding. To think I've never even met any of you. My tears are from happiness. Thank you!!

Dan

Our bond of silent spirituality is true and real.
We can use it in many surprising ways Lynda.
Together we stand and heal.
It's a miracle.

True Blue

Hello Lynda, That is why I call SoberRecovery, the Miracle Network. I wish you the best on your road to recovery. My thoughts & prayers are with you.

Timebuster

Hi Lynda

The road to recovery can be tough. Go to your meetings, get what you need, be the power of example. Be the guiding light. For those who are around you might just follow.

Timebuster

Spenser

Hi Lynda,

I don't have the track record to advise you as I am a very recent newcomer, but I have some ideas that may help you find a "Eureka" moment that helps you.

One, I totally know where you are coming from in the conflict of not really wanting to tell everyone who may put a beer in front of you the whole story and proclaim that you don't drink anymore. Probably because I am not quite strong enough to do it myself. What I am doing this week (as I have a couple of business trips and encounters with friends coming up this week) is simply claiming to be on antibiotics. Kind of funny but a low-key approach. You could be on the Atkins diet or whatever. Just kind of gets you past the moment with little fanfare.

In other areas of life that involve significant habit-changing, it is important to understand that habits are hard to both break and to build, especially in the initial stages. When you are trying to do both at once, ie break the drinking habit and build the sobriety habit, think of it this way:

Habits you are building are fragile at first. The first time you act on a new desired habit, look at it as a strand of thread. You have to pay close attention to not break it. It takes energy not to break that fragile thread. Then you add another thread the next time you practice the new behavior. Now the thread is a little stronger. Soon, with continued practice, this thread becomes a string. Harder to break. Then eventually it becomes a rope. Eventually, it becomes a cable, something ingrained into your behavior pattern and something you do almost automatically. This means the habit becomes more second-nature and requires less of that unblinking attention.

Same with breaking a habit. Too strong to just "break" right away. It is like removing a strand at a time until you get to the point where it is not strong. It is no longer being "reinforced" therefore you can "break" it.

This is kind of helping me as I know at this time I have to have a very heightened sense of vigilance to stay away from that first drink. In no way am I suggesting it is easy even for those who remain sober for many years to remain so, but I think those who have had success with sobriety have ingrained a new behavior and thinking pattern that helps protect against relapse.

This is exactly how it was for me when I quit smoking pot 15 years ago, after years of daily, continuous use. I never even imagined I could ever stop, it was not part of my reality. But, as Einstein said; 'you cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it', which, to me, means you need to open your mind to what is possible for you, which is what I am doing with my drinking problem. It is hard for me to imagine myself as someone who doesn't drink right now. However, I am combatting that thought pattern with some new guided imagery. I am imagining myself as a sober person, healthy, clear thinking, productive, and seeing myself as this right now. Kind of 'fake it till you make it'...When I have thoughts of being around friends in a drinking situation and having many beers as I would normally do, I then actively create a competing thought where I see myself as having a fine time with everyone but I am clear-headed and drinking a Diet Coke.

Good luck to you, there are some incredible people who really care on this great site!

Justme57

Hi Lynda

Sorry to hear you are having these problems , but it is YOUR life you are protecting girl, the others will just have to deal with how it makes them feel.

get to that meeting Lynda , and soon you will be hanging with sober friends , who have been where you are !

its a great feeling, I had no friends , and no family when I first went to AA, and honestly, I have such a full social calander now , I am amazed , and all with my sober friends

One day at a time

HUGX
Lee

mackat

hello lynda
for a long time in recovery, the alcoholics and addicts of NA/AA WERE my family- they gave me the sense of belonging and support that my biolological family never had been able to give me.

and now, this SR forum has , once again, extended my definition of family. So....
'hi sis!'
mackat

wingsfree

Hi Lynda.....so happy you've found SR. Pretty good gang eh? You've already gotten the best advice here, not much I can say, only welcome you to your new family. Wishing you the best in your recovery, you'll find your way, you're here looking for help, reaching out, so there you go, that's the best start.

Love and hugs....Denise

Jaguar0425

I want to let all of you know I took my sister to lunch today and told her I need to stop drinking. She really looked confused, like she was thinking "what will you do now?". She probably can't imagine being sober all the time. I told her I love her but for now I have to stay away after work and on weekends. I told her we can have lunch together and go shopping on Saturday morning, but no camping or barbeques or "family functions" for a while. I explained that I have to do this for me because I'm not happy with the way I am. She seemed to understand, she even said that after a while I can bring a jug of iced tea with me or carry a 12 pack of soda in my truck for when I can't avoid a "situation". I was glad to finally say something. It felt good.

Dan

That Lynda is such a HUGE statement.
Kudos girl!