So Scared
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So Scared
I am extremely tempted to drink right now. I just finished lunch with a friend and on the way home stopped by the grocery store to buy a bottle of wine. I rationalized my drinking and went to the check out line. When I went to show the lady my ID a glorious thing happened and she said, "I don't need to see your ID anymore, I've already checked it like 3 times already."
I say it is glorious because it snapped me back to reality and forced me to look at the fact that I have a serious disease and its apparent to others. But, I still purchased it and intended to drink it. I forced myself to wait 30 minutes and check into here while I wait. Now, Im sitting here reading threads and crying because I keep fighting myself not to drink. If I pour it out what stops me from driving to the store? What about tomorrow? I am so scared. What frightens me the most is that Im crying because I know I can't drink and I really want too. I am crying because I know I will hate myself tomorrow if I do give in. I can't live with myself if I keep drinking.
I had a really good day too so far... I dont why Im sitting here crying over something I know that will kill me if I keep engaging in this behavior. I really do want to stop drinking but I am so weak. There is no way I can keep drinking.
I say it is glorious because it snapped me back to reality and forced me to look at the fact that I have a serious disease and its apparent to others. But, I still purchased it and intended to drink it. I forced myself to wait 30 minutes and check into here while I wait. Now, Im sitting here reading threads and crying because I keep fighting myself not to drink. If I pour it out what stops me from driving to the store? What about tomorrow? I am so scared. What frightens me the most is that Im crying because I know I can't drink and I really want too. I am crying because I know I will hate myself tomorrow if I do give in. I can't live with myself if I keep drinking.
I had a really good day too so far... I dont why Im sitting here crying over something I know that will kill me if I keep engaging in this behavior. I really do want to stop drinking but I am so weak. There is no way I can keep drinking.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi newhope
It's easy to overwhelm ourselves and with despair comes the urge to drink.
maybe it's best not to worry about tomorrow right now - deal with whats in front of you now.
You can wake up tomorrow glad and happy at the decision you made tonight - dump the bottle. You won't regret it in the long run.
I drank for 20 years and every day for 5...I quit - you can too
what kind of support do you have besides SR?
D
It's easy to overwhelm ourselves and with despair comes the urge to drink.
maybe it's best not to worry about tomorrow right now - deal with whats in front of you now.
You can wake up tomorrow glad and happy at the decision you made tonight - dump the bottle. You won't regret it in the long run.
I drank for 20 years and every day for 5...I quit - you can too
what kind of support do you have besides SR?
D
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
((Newhope)) Stop the torture and pour the wine out. That voice can be relentless. You're here for a reason, I commend you for that. When you wake tomorrow you'll be without a hangover and have a fresh start to enjoy a wonderful day.
I'm telling you this because of all the evenings, I gave in and felt awful and hopeless, the next morning. You can do this and live the life you deserve.
I'm telling you this because of all the evenings, I gave in and felt awful and hopeless, the next morning. You can do this and live the life you deserve.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Im starting to calm down. I have had urges before but not like this one. Ive never cried because I knew I couldn't drink and really wanted too before. It scared the he** out of me. Is scaring the he** out of me.
I don't have anyone in the 3D world that will understand this madness I am experiencing.
I don't have anyone in the 3D world that will understand this madness I am experiencing.
2Cor5:17
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Between Doctor's opinion & pg 164
Posts: 4,187
NewHope:
I suggest you take all the bottles and pour that booze down the drain. This should @ least wake u up how much $ u're wasting since u already know that drinkings not going to solve u're problem(s) nor change anything. The 1step is to admit powerless over alc...once u study that step & get it down pact in u, then the craving, obsession & desire to drink coz u're pissed of @ some1 or the world will NO longer rule u
Read the 12&12 pgs21-24
I suggest you take all the bottles and pour that booze down the drain. This should @ least wake u up how much $ u're wasting since u already know that drinkings not going to solve u're problem(s) nor change anything. The 1step is to admit powerless over alc...once u study that step & get it down pact in u, then the craving, obsession & desire to drink coz u're pissed of @ some1 or the world will NO longer rule u
Read the 12&12 pgs21-24
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Maybe you crying is a sign that you REALLY want to change this newhope. It's not a sign of weakness. You can do this, we are here for you! Take it just for today. Like others have said you will not wake up tomorrow regretting NOT drinking. Hug to you
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
I knew my checkout folks by name. After a while I wasn't embarrassed anymore because where I bought, you purchased three things, gas, cigarettes and beer.
Can't tell you how many times I had the daily "not drinking today" discussion. I would rationalize it for months, and it never changed.
You think you need it but you don't. Your crying to abandon the destructive behaviour, good, fight it, you'll wake up tomorrow better. Each day for me is one step away from my past behaviour. One drink and I'll be sucked back to the first step.
Take a deep breath and relax, without the wine.
Toss
Can't tell you how many times I had the daily "not drinking today" discussion. I would rationalize it for months, and it never changed.
You think you need it but you don't. Your crying to abandon the destructive behaviour, good, fight it, you'll wake up tomorrow better. Each day for me is one step away from my past behaviour. One drink and I'll be sucked back to the first step.
Take a deep breath and relax, without the wine.
Toss
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
I know the conventional wisdom to offer here is to tell you to dump out that bottle.
But like you pointed out, you could just go get another one.
I actually keep an old unopened bottle of liquor around that I purchased in a weak moment like you did. But, I made it through that craving, and every craving since.
Now the bottle reminds me of my triumph over alcohol. It doesn't call to me from afar, or try to trick me into drinking it. It is just there, like it is everywhere in the real world, and I choose not to let it ruin my life anymore.
It has become a symbol of what I don't want my life to be.
Dump it, smash it, burn it, leave it, or drink it. The choice is yours. You can make the right choice.
But like you pointed out, you could just go get another one.
I actually keep an old unopened bottle of liquor around that I purchased in a weak moment like you did. But, I made it through that craving, and every craving since.
Now the bottle reminds me of my triumph over alcohol. It doesn't call to me from afar, or try to trick me into drinking it. It is just there, like it is everywhere in the real world, and I choose not to let it ruin my life anymore.
It has become a symbol of what I don't want my life to be.
Dump it, smash it, burn it, leave it, or drink it. The choice is yours. You can make the right choice.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by newhope01 
I am extremely tempted to drink right now. .
I AM THERE
Do you need Me ?
I am there.
You cannot see Me, yet I am the light you see by.
You cannot hear Me, yet I speak through your voice.
You cannot feel Me, yet I am the power at work in your hands.
I am at work, though you do not understand My works.
I am not strange visions. I am not mysteries.
Only in absolute stillness, beyond self, can you know Me
as I AM, and then but as a feeling and a faith.
Yet I am here. Yet I hear. Yet I answer.
When you need ME, I am there.
Even if you deny Me, I am there.
Even when you feel most alone, I am there.
Even in your fears, I am there.
Even in your pain, I am there.
I am there when you pray and when you do not pray.
I am in you, and you are in Me.
Only in your mind can you feel separate from Me, for
only in your mind are the mists of "yours" and "mine".
Yet only with your mind can you know Me and experience Me.
Empty your heart of empty fears.
When you get yourself out of the way, I am there.
You can of yourself do nothing, but I can do all.
And I AM in all.
Though you may not see the good, good is there, for
I am there. I am there because I have to be, because I AM.
Only in Me does the world have meaning; only out of Me does the world take form; only because of ME does the world go forward.
I am the law on which the movement of the stars and the growth of living cells are founded.
I am the love that is the law's fulfilling. I am assurance.
I am peace. I am oneness. I am the law that you can live by.
I am the love that you can cling to. I am your assurance.
I am your peace. I am ONE with you. I am.
Though you fail to find ME, I do not fail you.
Though your faith in Me is unsure, My faith in you never
wavers, because I know you, because I love you.
Beloved, I AM there.
Guess Who?
I am here seek and you will find me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 54
One step at a time. You know what you want to fix. This is a test of your strength. No one wants you to hate yourself tomorrow by drinking tonight. I hope you got through your craving. Try and get some rest. Best wishes
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Originally Posted by CharlieNoogan
I know the conventional wisdom to offer here is to tell you to dump out that bottle.
But like you pointed out, you could just go get another one.
I actually keep an old unopened bottle of liquor around that I purchased in a weak moment like you did. But, I made it through that craving, and every craving since.
Now the bottle reminds me of my triumph over alcohol. It doesn't call to me from afar, or try to trick me into drinking it. It is just there, like it is everywhere in the real world, and I choose not to let it ruin my life anymore.
It has become a symbol of what I don't want my life to be.
Dump it, smash it, burn it, leave it, or drink it. The choice is yours. You can make the right choice.
But like you pointed out, you could just go get another one.
I actually keep an old unopened bottle of liquor around that I purchased in a weak moment like you did. But, I made it through that craving, and every craving since.
Now the bottle reminds me of my triumph over alcohol. It doesn't call to me from afar, or try to trick me into drinking it. It is just there, like it is everywhere in the real world, and I choose not to let it ruin my life anymore.
It has become a symbol of what I don't want my life to be.
Dump it, smash it, burn it, leave it, or drink it. The choice is yours. You can make the right choice.
I don't believe in testing my resolve. My resolve got all the testing it needed without my creating more.
If I've made a commitment to be alcohol free I don't need a bottle around to remind me of that resolve.
I know myself, and I'm not casting aspersions on you here because I realise there are differing schools of thought, but if I'd kept a bottle around, it might have really meant that a part of me was not ready to let alcohol 'go'.
Newhope - maybe it's time to look for a little '3d' help?
D
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
I am feeling a lot calmer now and wanted to thank everyone so much for your support.
@Deeker: That poem was very touching and although it brought more tears I felt they were good tears.
@toss, quit4me79 and charlienoogan: your responses left me feeling empowered behind choosing to not drink tonight. I feel reaffirmed in my commitment to myself.
I really want everyone to know how grateful I am that you took the time to provide me with the encouragement I so badly needed. If it wasn't for coming here I would have gave in. But, I knew if I came here I would receive genuine kindness and support and that's why I initially didn't want to come here because than I knew I would be easier to just drink. But I am so glad I did because now I am going to bed sober instead.
Tomorrow will be a much brighter day for myself than what it could have been. Thank you.
@Deeker: That poem was very touching and although it brought more tears I felt they were good tears.
@toss, quit4me79 and charlienoogan: your responses left me feeling empowered behind choosing to not drink tonight. I feel reaffirmed in my commitment to myself.
I really want everyone to know how grateful I am that you took the time to provide me with the encouragement I so badly needed. If it wasn't for coming here I would have gave in. But, I knew if I came here I would receive genuine kindness and support and that's why I initially didn't want to come here because than I knew I would be easier to just drink. But I am so glad I did because now I am going to bed sober instead.
Tomorrow will be a much brighter day for myself than what it could have been. Thank you.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
This may sound terrible, but for the first time I believe that I am committed to a life free of alcohol. I believe in myself this time. I was so close to drinking tonight and am so happy I made it through. I need to remember this next time I think I can't do this.
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Its about 8:30AM and I am brewing a pot of coffee and contemplating going on a run before work today at 12:30PM. Wouldn't have been able to enjoy this morning if I caved last night. Thanks again everyone. 
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,133
Originally Posted by newhope01
This may sound terrible, but for the first time I believe that I am committed to a life free of alcohol. I believe in myself this time. I was so close to drinking tonight and am so happy I made it through. I need to remember this next time I think I can't do this.
As awful as it must have been, I think your experience was and is incredibly valuable. Just as you say, you stared that urge in the "face" and you rode out the bad feelings and YOU. DID. NOT. DRINK. You know you have that control, that power, now.
I hope I am able to do the same when the next urge hits me. Actually, screw hope. I KNOW I can if I choose to!
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