StarlessNight

It's a fair question. The answer is no. I would almost exclusively drink alone, whenever I was not spending time with my boyfriend or otherwise had no plans. Sometimes when I did see him, it meant that I would miss the liquor store's hours -- I didn't abruptly end our night to make it to the store.

Granted, I drank a lot. But I learned to plan my drinking around time with him.

Nonsensical

In addition to fantail's remarks I would add that it would probably be helpful if you had a sobriety plan you could share with her. Instead of how many meetings you're not willing to go to, how about making a schedule for the number of meetings you are planning to attend over the next month?

If you want to work a program that involves no meetings, explain it to her. If you look like you're making it up as you go along, you're probably making her nervous, and she reacts by trying to be helpful.

16 days is awesome! keep it up!

StarlessNight

That made me laugh! Well, the part about the NCAA tournament. I have been missing my favorite team's games for the past few weeks doing this meeting stuff (before that I watched as many as I could). The other day there was a HUGE game on and I was like, no, no meeting tonight, end of story. I could tell that it sort of pissed off my roommate. This stuff is important to me and makes me happy...I need...my...basketballlll...

(For the record, I watched the game, enjoyed it, and did not have a drink.)

I think we're on the same page about the cult part. There is a lot to admire about AA, and it works for a lot of people. But there is something definitely off-putting when you get admonished for not finding a sponsor quickly enough, or not doing the steps, or not going to enough meetings.

I am sober today. Let's not lose sight of that because I only went to 6 instead of 7 meetings this week.

StarlessNight

Never asked for living situation advice, just advice on how to deal with someone who pressures you to go to meetings.

Thanks.

StarlessNight

Excellent suggestion. I suppose I try to play most of life by ear, and this is how she reacts when I only have a "maybe" commitment on meetings every night. I've been to meetings more nights than not in the past few weeks, but it would probably be helpful to schedule meetings that I am a definite "yes" for, so she knows what to expect. Obviously if I feel like going to a meeting another time, I am free to do that as well.

Thanks, I think you may have pinpointed the motive behind her actions. I know she's just trying to help.

ScottFromWI

I'd say it's a pretty simple question, there are 2 ways to deal with this.

1. Go to the daily meetings as she is suggesting, or at least try it for a little while. Even if you just try it for a week it's only 1 hour out of your day.

2. Explain to her your recovery plan and why it doesn't involve daily meetings. If your plan is to go every other day, or twice a week, or not at all and do something else then just tell her so.

What's most important is your recovery and sobriety. Take care of that first in a way that works for you, and everythign else will fall into place.

Zebra1275

I don't go to as many meetings as I did when I first started. I work a lot of hours and I'm busy with many other things. However, in some way I work my program everyday.

There are many days when I don't go to a meeting. But if I'm not going to a meeting I'm probably going to read the BB or other literature, spend time on SR, or talk to someone else in the program. Some focused reading in the Big Book is probably more useful than going to a rambling, open discussion meeting.

deeker

[QUOTE=StarlessNight;3871658]TL;DR -


There is no rule to how many meeting you have to attend. There are no rules to AA. You will know how many you need based on how you feel-if you want to drink when you are attending less meetings, then that is the sign you need more. If you relapse , then that definitely is a sign u need more meetings.



Pay attention to that spiritual guage inside of you. If you are feeling restless and irritable and you are only going to one or two meetings a week that is probably why.

bigsombrero

I always love deeker's advice but I have to say this language is worth noting. It's an example of the "AA Solves Everything" mantra that I see all too often from those who are neck-deep in the program.

Why is "more meetings" the automatic answer to a possible relapse? Especially if there are no rules?

For the most part I am just playing devil's advocate, but because you are going through this with your roommate, I wanted to point out that you will ALWAYS come across this in recovery. There is no dodging the advice from AA folks, and it will always be the same and it will always be right and there are no other solutions.

I like AA, for personal support and a way to keep my focus. I use it when I want to. And as always, the first priority is my SOBRIETY and my HAPPINESS. You seem to keep that close to you as well - don't lose sight of it. Enjoy your recovery journey.

deeker

I respect your opinion, I probably should have said from my own experience, when I let up on meetings, I feel like crap, stinkin thinkin slips in. I am the kind of person that continually needs to input good positive thinking into this sick brain of mine and AA does that for me. However , I have cut back slightly but I have been supplementing with this forum and bible study. i just can't let my mind be idle for to long.

But I hear what u r saying. Thanks

2granddaughters

AA is pretty simple.

If you want what the oldtimers have then do what the oldtimers did.

If you don't then go and do it your way.

Wishing everyone the best.

Bob R

ScottFromWI

Keep in mind were not here to debate the pros or cons of AA - it works for some and for some it doesn't. I don't use AA myself but I respect that it works for many, just as I respect those who use AVRT or SMART or whatever else they choose. There are other forums here besides the newcomers for those wishing to debate such topics.

fallingtogether

Here's my thoughts:
I don't go to meetings under the influence, it's another hour of the day that I can be sure I won't pick up.

Sponsors/mentors/ friends in aa have no right to push you around to go to more meetings. We suggest things, based on OUR experience. It has been my experience when I slack in meetings, my recovery gets moved to the back seat. (Did you ever think that she is simply stating that when she didn't hit alot of meetings it got her drunk?)

If you aren't comfortable with the arrangements you have, find a different solution: ie different meeting to attend. That way she doesn't feel responsible for your recovery.

I can say when I have gone to meetings that I am not find of, I find reasons to debate beliefs and challenge suggestions. Fortunately I have found a daily meeting I like, and I get there as much as possible. It's working for me.

If you were at your bottom and you asked her for help, and said you were willing to do whatever to get and stay sober, then she's just adhering to what you asked. Now that you have 16 days and feel better, maybe you don't wanna do the work.

For sure: sr is a great place to bounce ideas, but you won't find a solution until you speak with her and or your boyfriend

Best wishes

nancylee

Don't be bullied. This woman sounds like a zealot, which sometimes happens. I don't go to AA, didn't like it, I work a sobriety program online, Women for Sobriety, and that has worked for me. Yoga works for others, Rational Recovery for,others, my point is that if you are committed to sobriety, you will do anything to keep sober, and there are lots of ways to do that, including coming here every day. I don't like when people tell others that if they are not working whatever program they follow, they will relapse. It is absolutely not true. Your decision to not drink is the most important part of being and staying sober.

Check around at all your options, PM me is you want to learn about WFS. Or go to meetings like she asks, if you want to keep the peace, but I think that might being up lots of resentment on your part. But whatever you do, do NOT drink!!!
Peace,
Nancy

Deluxe

Some points from my perspective:

Firstly to those who say an AA meeting is only and hour, it's not. This is not me being pedantic. I live in a big city. It take me 45 minutes to get there wherever it is and 45 mins back minimum. With the meeting that's 2 and a half hours. Then I am limited to what meeting I go to due to commitments to my children and their sport so that may well dictate that the meeting I attend is an hour away and an hour back. I then have to schedule clients so that they dont encroach on that 3 hour period. With getting my son to school and picking him up and getting a meeting in that can be pretty much the whole day gone not including the bits and pieces in the middle. Meetings are not only an hour out of someones life for many as so many constantly point out,

I do 5 to 7 meetings a week averaging 6. Love it! People where I live that tell me they did 2 to 3 meetings a day for years as a sign of their commitment to sobriety (with great pride) are also telling me a whole lot more about themselves, primarily that they have lost balance and have no job and no other way to seek balance and fulfillment. Living only in AA is not living, it is as obsessive as the drink was. As my drug and alcohol specialist told me when I explained I am doing a lot of meetings, have a sponsor and love it - "careful not to replace one addiction with another and that includes AA. Strive for insight and balance in your perspective".

Balance for many is so important to maintaining sobriety. OP if you neglect your relationship and other key aspects of your life you will also neglect your sobriety. What I mean is drive yourself into a place of such anguish that you will reject other things, including I suspect your efforts at being sober.

Some have suggested that you need to "justify" your program to your roommate and lay the plan out for her. You don't. She is your roommate not your sponsor. A simple explanation that you are committed to your program and your sobriety will suffice.

OP, it's your recovery and your recovery only. That also makes it your responsibility. Be vigilant and hang onto it for dear life. I know I am.

awuh1

Lots of folks hear things that are not being said. This seems to take place more often in folks who have very high needs for “independence” and “free thought”. The ”go to” word when someone says something is “no”. I know, because I’m the same way. I have learned to listen very carefully and suspend judgment on what is said for far longer than previously. I am no more prone to “loosing myself” to the viewpoint of others than I was before. The truth speaks for itself.

Because your roommate has many years of sobriety does not make her immune from fear… any more than you are.

BadCompany

You forced this into her life without her permission. Now you don't like how she deals with the situation. Is that a good summary of the situation?

avocado

some people seem to get obsessive and fanatical about AA. Only you can decide what's right/works for you.

Dee74

welcome to SR StarlessNight

I think if you want this womans guidance it's going to come with expectations and conditions.

That's not necessarily a bad thing - what you have to decide is whether you're prepared to live with that or not?

_____________________________________________

to everyone:

Please remember this forums rule - this is not a thread about whether AA is good or not.

D

HappyDestiny3

Yes you are the only one that can decide what and how you get sober..

And there are people that obsessive and fanatical about AA, Just as there are the opposite the one's that want nothing more than for AA to drop of the planet..

Member we deal with alcoholic's .. Which by nature are fairly obsessive and fanatical about what they want and like..