fancybritches

welp...decided to give up my liquid diet and try something new. I am on the verge of killing all I've worked hard for, as well as hurting those who cross my path.

Growing up with add-not diagnosed until the age of 16-was very difficult. Always self conscious, with the occasional manic episodes, and the pits of depression-well links my obsession to find anything to numb who I am.
First started "closet" drinking at the age of 12...would steal booze from my parents-also colorful drinkers- and drink alone in my closet. I wanted to erase the negative thoughts I had for myself.
I was always compared to my siblings...why can't you get grades like your brother...why don't you sit and do your homework like your sister...I was supposed to be placed on meds at the age of 5-my parents were in denial,
sad to say I had to wait till I was basically done w high school to address my ability to focus and my frequent episodes.

Drinking on my meds don't mix well. I can drink probably a 12 pack and be buzzed-2 bottles of wine-well that's why I am here...Drinking without meds doesn't work well either...binge and drop off the planet for as long as possible...scrumagging to make it to work come Monday.


At the age of 17, I began to drink excessively-lost a best friend (heart murmmer)-followed by his best friend 1 yr later (atv accident)-followed by my ex boyfriend (heroin overdose).

I would say my alcohol intake continued to increase shortly after.

A year ago, I ended the 6 year relationship with the man i thought I'd eventually marry. I wanted to try and help myself...When we drank we fought, and sometimes the fights got violent. I felt stuck... I wanted a break to figure out who I was...felt like my add was taking over who I was...my happiness replaced w anxiety...and booze to mask those feelings. I tried reading books, working out excessively, staying productive...however, my add and all the new changes were overstimulating...which heightened my anxiety, depression, and thus alcohol seemed to help.

I've reached the end of the plank my friends...not eating and drinking till 4 am, hanging around those who also have a problem-feeding off one another...cause that's real healthy...

I want to be proud of myself for once...i want the people in my life to look at my change as inspiration to eventually take this step too. For those who are concerned about what I've turned into, well, I wish for them to finally feel like I am productive and not just someone who doesn't give two ***** and is irresponsible. I don't want to wake up regretting the previous evening -who's bed I'm in and my $100 bar tab...wearing same makeup to work, throwing on whatever smells clean that passes as classy casual...

Dee74

welcome to SR fancybritches

I'm a guy, but one of the things I really like about being sober is being able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror again

this is a great place for support - we're glad to have you here

D

Michael66

Hey fancybritches

Welcome to SR.

You are always precious and loved. You don't need to achieve anything (even sobriety) for that to be true. Your dignity is there now, as a loved and loving person. You can enjoy that dignity and love lots more when you are sober and eating and sleeping well. Sobriety takes a little time to adjust to so be patient as you go through the early days and weeks.

Have you considered some support? Something like AA?

Seiceps

Michael, what a Truley beautiful message. That really touched me. Well put.

least

to a very supportive place! Giving up drinking was the best thing I've ever done for myself. My life is better than ever and I no longer wake up hating myself and wishing I were dead.

I congratulate you on your decision to make a better life for yourself.

misspond

Hi fancybritches, you've found a good place for support, and just like everyone else here, you absolutely deserve the best possible life you can have.