What the hell is wrong with me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
What the hell is wrong with me?
Hell all,
I have to get this out; I'm having a rough time with certain aspects of sobriety. I was an alcoholic and drug addict, stopped drinking about 3 years ago and got off all hard drugs / illegal drugs almost 4 months ago. I still take anti-depressants. They help me quite a bit, before I took them I couldn't seem to stay sober for more than a few days or weeks... The depression was literally crushing me.
So now that I'm sober, in AA, working steps, etc. things are better. I am thankful. I feel lucky and blessed and most days I try to keep that mindset but there is still a sadness in me... I don't know how to describe it. It's like the dark cloud that came into my life and started following me as a child is still there lurking. Whenever I have a good thought, it's immediately followed by my "reality mindset" (read : negative thought) which tells me, "you know this is all BS and you are fooling yourself and you'll get sad or angry again, life is still life, you can't deal with it, you'll go back out again."
Another example is my relationship. I have a good relationship with a wonderful man. But I always feel like I'm bracing myself for when he leaves me? I've been left before, for good reasons (I was drinking) and I assume its likely to happen again because even if I don't drink, I have issues. I do ok but I'm far from perfect. Who is going to put up with me for any sustained period of time? I wouldn't blame him if he left, but really, he seems completely happy with me, I'm just afraid.
Bottom line and then I'll be quiet : why can't I just be happy?! Why do I sabatouge everything with my crazy, dark, negative thinking? I thought once I got sober it would get better and like I said I'm even going to meetings and doing the work like a good girl (ha) and its not going to fix who I really am inside or what I've done. It won't fix my fears. I feel like I might be doomed.
Has anyone else felt this? Even sober? What did you do? Thank you so much for taking time to read my rambling.
- Baby J.
I have to get this out; I'm having a rough time with certain aspects of sobriety. I was an alcoholic and drug addict, stopped drinking about 3 years ago and got off all hard drugs / illegal drugs almost 4 months ago. I still take anti-depressants. They help me quite a bit, before I took them I couldn't seem to stay sober for more than a few days or weeks... The depression was literally crushing me.
So now that I'm sober, in AA, working steps, etc. things are better. I am thankful. I feel lucky and blessed and most days I try to keep that mindset but there is still a sadness in me... I don't know how to describe it. It's like the dark cloud that came into my life and started following me as a child is still there lurking. Whenever I have a good thought, it's immediately followed by my "reality mindset" (read : negative thought) which tells me, "you know this is all BS and you are fooling yourself and you'll get sad or angry again, life is still life, you can't deal with it, you'll go back out again."
Another example is my relationship. I have a good relationship with a wonderful man. But I always feel like I'm bracing myself for when he leaves me? I've been left before, for good reasons (I was drinking) and I assume its likely to happen again because even if I don't drink, I have issues. I do ok but I'm far from perfect. Who is going to put up with me for any sustained period of time? I wouldn't blame him if he left, but really, he seems completely happy with me, I'm just afraid.
Bottom line and then I'll be quiet : why can't I just be happy?! Why do I sabatouge everything with my crazy, dark, negative thinking? I thought once I got sober it would get better and like I said I'm even going to meetings and doing the work like a good girl (ha) and its not going to fix who I really am inside or what I've done. It won't fix my fears. I feel like I might be doomed.
Has anyone else felt this? Even sober? What did you do? Thank you so much for taking time to read my rambling.
- Baby J.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Ditto on the negative thinking - I think it's how I've spent most of my life.....
Not easy to change after all that practice!
I found that mindfulness really helped me a lot (Also The Power of Now, by Ekhart Tolle). When I live in the present moment, I find that I'm so much more content, and when I don't indulge in a lot of thinking/analyzing about everything. You know how it goes: we get down on ourselves for being down on ourselves.....
Also, gratitude helps a lot, just thinking of what I do have instead of what I don't. Like: being able to feel sadness and get through it sober.....
Not easy to change after all that practice!I found that mindfulness really helped me a lot (Also The Power of Now, by Ekhart Tolle). When I live in the present moment, I find that I'm so much more content, and when I don't indulge in a lot of thinking/analyzing about everything. You know how it goes: we get down on ourselves for being down on ourselves.....
Also, gratitude helps a lot, just thinking of what I do have instead of what I don't. Like: being able to feel sadness and get through it sober.....
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
I am a "glass half full person". I have found that the daily practice of gratitude is a marvellous antidote to negativity.
To use an analogy an addict can relate to is ; do it once a day, every day- the effect starts to 'kick in' after 30 days.
See the threads section- I started with a list of things that I was grateful for that day.
Todays list is
Today I am grateful for
the new crescent moon
the fact that I could get up the hill on my bike
the great views on the way down
the clean cool swim after the ride
the guys who designed and built the road
that sweet soul music my friend put me onto
To use an analogy an addict can relate to is ; do it once a day, every day- the effect starts to 'kick in' after 30 days.
See the threads section- I started with a list of things that I was grateful for that day.
Todays list is
Today I am grateful for
the new crescent moon
the fact that I could get up the hill on my bike
the great views on the way down
the clean cool swim after the ride
the guys who designed and built the road
that sweet soul music my friend put me onto
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 317
BabyJane,
Those thoughts are like tire ruts worn in a dirt road over many years. Your mind is in the habit of going down that path. You don't have to believe everything you think, and you can decide to either let your thoughts take the wheel and go willy-nilly down that same old road, or you can grab the wheel and choose to tell yourself, Stop, and think about everything good in your life : you are sober, you have a good man, you have your eyes, your ears, your nose, your mouth, you can walk and talk, you have a good future ahead of you. Choose to think on lovely things, good things, things that are true. Put a rubber band on your wrist. When you think the same sad old thoughts, snap it and tell yourself to stop. You have done two amazing things: stopped drinking and stopped drugging. You are awesome and you are strong. Think about that.
Those thoughts are like tire ruts worn in a dirt road over many years. Your mind is in the habit of going down that path. You don't have to believe everything you think, and you can decide to either let your thoughts take the wheel and go willy-nilly down that same old road, or you can grab the wheel and choose to tell yourself, Stop, and think about everything good in your life : you are sober, you have a good man, you have your eyes, your ears, your nose, your mouth, you can walk and talk, you have a good future ahead of you. Choose to think on lovely things, good things, things that are true. Put a rubber band on your wrist. When you think the same sad old thoughts, snap it and tell yourself to stop. You have done two amazing things: stopped drinking and stopped drugging. You are awesome and you are strong. Think about that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: California
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by Branches 
BabyJane,
Those thoughts are like tire ruts worn in a dirt road over many years. Your mind is in the habit of going down that path. You don't have to believe everything you think, and you can decide to either let your thoughts take the wheel and go willy-nilly down that same old road, or you can grab the wheel and choose to tell yourself, Stop, and think about everything good in your life : you are sober, you have a good man, you have your eyes, your ears, your nose, your mouth, you can walk and talk, you have a good future ahead of you. Choose to think on lovely things, good things, things that are true. Put a rubber band on your wrist. When you think the same sad old thoughts, snap it and tell yourself to stop. You have done two amazing things: stopped drinking and stopped drugging. You are awesome and you are strong. Think about that.
Those thoughts are like tire ruts worn in a dirt road over many years. Your mind is in the habit of going down that path. You don't have to believe everything you think, and you can decide to either let your thoughts take the wheel and go willy-nilly down that same old road, or you can grab the wheel and choose to tell yourself, Stop, and think about everything good in your life : you are sober, you have a good man, you have your eyes, your ears, your nose, your mouth, you can walk and talk, you have a good future ahead of you. Choose to think on lovely things, good things, things that are true. Put a rubber band on your wrist. When you think the same sad old thoughts, snap it and tell yourself to stop. You have done two amazing things: stopped drinking and stopped drugging. You are awesome and you are strong. Think about that.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, BabyJane.
I can totally relate to the way you are feeling and I'm constantly fighting with it because it really messes up with my life and restrains me in every possible way. I've been like this since childhood and was grown up in such atmosphere so it's deep rooted and not easy to get rid of. But, I think positive thinking is like a muscle - it needs training regularly and daily to get "fit".
I love what Branches said.
Those thoughts are like tire ruts worn in a dirt road over many years. Your mind is in the habit of going down that path. You don't have to believe everything you think, and you can decide to either let your thoughts take the wheel and go willy-nilly down that same old road, or you can grab the wheel and choose to tell yourself, Stop, and think about everything good in your life : you are sober, you have a good man, you have your eyes, your ears, your nose, your mouth, you can walk and talk, you have a good future ahead of you. Choose to think on lovely things, good things, things that are true. Put a rubber band on your wrist. When you think the same sad old thoughts, snap it and tell yourself to stop. You have done two amazing things: stopped drinking and stopped drugging. You are awesome and you are strong. Think about that. Thank you, just what I needed to read in the morning to put me in proper state of mind)
Cheer up, BabyJane. Focus on today like you did when quitted drinking. Look at this negative thinking as thinking poisoning and take one day at a time to tackle it.
Best wishes to you, you are doing great)
I can totally relate to the way you are feeling and I'm constantly fighting with it because it really messes up with my life and restrains me in every possible way. I've been like this since childhood and was grown up in such atmosphere so it's deep rooted and not easy to get rid of. But, I think positive thinking is like a muscle - it needs training regularly and daily to get "fit".
I love what Branches said.
Originally Posted by Branches
Those thoughts are like tire ruts worn in a dirt road over many years. Your mind is in the habit of going down that path. You don't have to believe everything you think, and you can decide to either let your thoughts take the wheel and go willy-nilly down that same old road, or you can grab the wheel and choose to tell yourself, Stop, and think about everything good in your life : you are sober, you have a good man, you have your eyes, your ears, your nose, your mouth, you can walk and talk, you have a good future ahead of you. Choose to think on lovely things, good things, things that are true. Put a rubber band on your wrist. When you think the same sad old thoughts, snap it and tell yourself to stop. You have done two amazing things: stopped drinking and stopped drugging. You are awesome and you are strong. Think about that.
Cheer up, BabyJane. Focus on today like you did when quitted drinking. Look at this negative thinking as thinking poisoning and take one day at a time to tackle it.
Best wishes to you, you are doing great)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
It took me a long time to retrain my brain - much longer than it took to stop drinking...but it was much the same process for me - just as I refused to listen to that drinking voice anymore I refused to listen to self loathing defeatist self hating voice.
Counselling helped but learning to trust that good things could happen to me and I deserved them helped more
D
Counselling helped but learning to trust that good things could happen to me and I deserved them helped more
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
Thank you all for your helpful comments and words of comfort. FRIENDS and COMMUNITY really help with my depressive thinking as well. That's why I go to meetings and come here! I am thankful for :
1.) Sober Recovery
2.) My Guy
3.) My dad who is struggling with alcohol but still alive
4.) living in a place I love
5.) The opportunities that I will have in my future because I'm sober
6.) My first baby due Aug 30th, the chance to be a sober mom
7.) coffee and toast in the morning
8.) good music
9.) computers and phones which allow me to feel less isolated
10.) comedy and funny movies (maybe I'll watch one today!)
So that's a start. I will try to re-direct my dark thoughts as soon as I can, I might even get that rubber-band! Ha! Maybe I need a physical reminder of how often I get caught up in this rut. I'm really glad I have such intelligent, wonderful sober buddies. You guys are great.
1.) Sober Recovery
2.) My Guy
3.) My dad who is struggling with alcohol but still alive
4.) living in a place I love
5.) The opportunities that I will have in my future because I'm sober
6.) My first baby due Aug 30th, the chance to be a sober mom
7.) coffee and toast in the morning
8.) good music
9.) computers and phones which allow me to feel less isolated
10.) comedy and funny movies (maybe I'll watch one today!)
So that's a start. I will try to re-direct my dark thoughts as soon as I can, I might even get that rubber-band! Ha! Maybe I need a physical reminder of how often I get caught up in this rut. I'm really glad I have such intelligent, wonderful sober buddies. You guys are great.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I also tend to fall back to the negative thinking. So, I have to be aware and push those thoughts aside at times. I think that negative thinking got to be a comfortable place for me. I felt safe there, until I realized where it could take me. For me, antidepressants help to level the playing field, but it's still up to me to try to focus on the positive.
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