trikuza

hey guys. its been a few months since ive been an active member on sober recovery. I think im hitting rock bottom. I've been using coke multiple days a week and using xanax to help cope with the come down. In addition to this, ive been drinking almost every day to deal with the depression that has hit me because of my abuse.

This is very unlike me. It is not in my character to be doing all of this. The panic attacks I am having from worrying that I will go past what my body can handle is worrying the hell out of me.

Today I vow to stop all of this, entirely. I cannot allow myself to indulge in anything. I know that I will find the strength to beat this. I know when Ive taken things too far. I MUST REBUILD MYSELF over the next weeks. I need to come back to reality. Any advice and encouragement is obviously welcome.

nfijules

Thats good to hear! I have felt the way you feel before. You have made a decision to quit - now how are you going to stay done? Do you have a plan? When I got sober, for me, I immediately started going to meetings, got a sponsor, and have drastically changed my life. I myself, could not do it myself and needed guided, direction. My life revolves around friends in recovery, meetings, outings, and life is fun now. Goodluck, and looks like there is a lot of support here!

Ptcapote

Well, you know what they say, Trikuza, if you've hit rock bottom than the only way is up from here, right? Sounds like you are building from a pretty solid foundation of acceptance and commitment to me.

And self-knowledge, which is also pretty key.

You in AA or NA? Any plans for that or something else?

Try to get your system clear of all that stuff for now---may feel like hell for a bit but the panic should lessen and your decisions will be a lot more clear.

JCMalta

What we see depends mainly on what we look for. I think you took the right decision my friend.

trikuza

thanks for your insight. First off, the drinking is what makes me lose my judgement and say "hey, it wouldnt hurt to go pick up some yayo and have one of those crazy nights." So the first thing i need to do is stop drinking.

I started partying so hard because I just graduated college/graphic design school. But its been two months since graduation and I still haven't toned it down. I've been really focused on my design, but I need to cut out all the "fun" so I can become 100 percent dedicated to my career. I know I can do this. But the first few days/weeks im gonna be hurtin. I just wanna come back stronger than ever before, and not slip back into this again.

Right now im lying in bed, this comedown is killin me. I just wanna survive this day...

SullyS

I am very familiar with that feeling of hopelessness and that fear that you are experiencing and it certainly is paralyzing. What do you think of AA? Have you tried it?

trikuza

i did try AA for a short while. I got so much anxiety while thinking about when they would call me up to talk about my life and issues. I'm one of those people that hates public speaking so much that I just couldn't follow through with AA.

What I am going through now, I have experience a few times before in the past few years. Every time I was able to put my life back together.

I know its just sleep deprivation, the comedown, and withdrawal thats messing with my head and making me feel absolutely terrible. But as some of, if not most of you know, its just a ****** place to be in lol.

But at like 7 am this morning i was still snortin the stuff, and I had that overwhelming feeling like this might be the one time where I OD and my life ends prematurely. My heart was racing so fast and couldnt stop thinking about how it would affect my loved ones. So I know I cant be fooling around with this anymore.

0percentABV

Ironic. One of my fears of quitting was that I was going to lose my true self. I guess I was so entrenched in booze that I felt it was part of me.

trikuza

@0percentAPV

i know what you mean. I place too much pride in being the fun, absurdly drunk guy that gets into all kinds of exploits that make for great stories.

Unfortunately, I get into a little too much trouble and become completely irresponsible.

artsoul

I remember my first day sober, curled up in bed with my laptop, reading SR. I thought the day would never end, but it did and you can get through this, too. (Don't be afraid to get medical help if you need it, though).

Take the time you need to heal and don't worry about anything but staying sober today. We're here for ya....

trikuza

@artsoul

I really appreciate the support. I'm quite certain I will spend my day doing exactly that. It sucks that I have white blinds that barely stop the sun from pouring into my room. When i'm in this state, one of my biggest pet peeves is feeling like a vampire exposed to the sunlight. It doesn't help my attempt to take a nap lol.

I might have to put the Godfather series on, it seems to have a calming effect on me.

I feel so bad for my insides. I can imagine taking such stimulating coke and relaxing xanax at the same time has extremely negative effects on my body. Why do I suck so much!?!?

Hanna

AA is not for everyone, but they don't make anyone speak. If you are in a meeting where they did that, it is beyond bizarre. Lots of people just say "I'm just hear to listen today."

I'm sorry you are going through this. Glad you are here on SR.

CNH08

you don't suck. I swear. I was into yayo for years. I'd be up until 7 or 8 in the morning scraping the last remnants off my nightstand. Then taking xanax to fall asleep. Then freaking out that I would die. Repeat. I understand what you are going through. I know for me the panic eventually subsided. Hang in there.

trikuza

yeah i think I have plenty people to share my thoughts with in these forums. people just like you hanna lol

trikuza

I will hang in there!! always good to know there are several others out there, who have found themselves, or are finding themselves in the same damn mess I'm in!

0percentABV

You don't. Guilt comes with the territory. Get some days under your belt and you won't feel so bad about yourself. Just don't take that as a sign to "celebrate." Where you left off is where you'll start. There are no do overs here. The line has been crossed. The more you keep going back the more the guilt compounds. The only way to beat all this is to walk away.

trikuza

yeah i suppose the guilt comes from knowing I've been in this position before. And I ask myself "how the hell did I end up here again? You know better than to do this.

I should have learned from past mistakes. Drugs are the devil lol. They convince you that you're still in control of things and you're just having a little fun. And you tell yourself that after you have 1 or 2 extreme nights, you'll get back on top of things. And the next thing you know...you feel like a dark soul...and that everything in your life is pretty much ******

julez

One thing you said that I totally resonate with is that you are losing your true self. My true self is a dedicated athlete, a devoted, overprotective mother, a wife that after 20 years is still in love with her husband.
Lately I have been the hungover, unable to get through a workout athlete, a distant mother, and a snippy wife.
I hate the me that I am.
Im here to say ENOUGH.

trikuza

Yeah I definitely feel that achieving my goals becomes more distant. I need my health to get that ambitioun, focus, and clarity that I normally have

0percentABV

Today's the day then, folks. You've already reached the peak of your using if not already halfway down the other side. There is nothing but darkness at the bottom. Time to bail, brush yourself off and work on creating something better for your life.