SullyS

The funny thing is with addiction and alcoholism is that we know where doing these things has brought us in the past and where it will bring us in the future yet we continue to do the same thing and expect something different to happen. That is my story at least, I cant speak for you but I was caught in that cycle for a while and I remember feeling those same feelings you described earlier.

trikuza

you're absolutely right about that. I'm sitting here, feeling like a complete idiot for going down this road once again. Its like...why don't I ever learn!!!!

Hopefully I will make progress with that whole issues.

SullyS

That is what I like about AA man, the people there have walked through the same horse **** I have and they have come out of it stronger. I'm not sure what meetings you went to but I have never been to a meeting where they make a newcomer get up in front of the group and talk....EVER. I would HIGHLY recommend trying a different meeting because while you will certainly find **** in meetings you dont like, you will also find people that have a solution to that insanity of picking up the first drink/drug even when you know the consequences that will come as a result of doing it.

As was said earlier, AA isnt for everyone but there are TONS of different groups in California and your experience with one of them doesnt mean that all of them will be like that and I think it would be sad to reject possible relief from this immense amount of shame and remorse you are feeling because of a few experiences.....

Hanna

Don't want to sound cliche (and I probably do!), but just don't look back.

Thinking about what you didn't do the way you think you should do is self-defeating.

We have this moment to do things differently. Focus on what you want to do now, in this moment.

And be glad you are here!!! Yay! Sober Recovery!

trikuza

well im actually not even positive that they forced anyone to get up. I guess I just assumed that all AA's worked that way. Maybe ill give it another go.

trikuza

thats great advice hanna. funny, i posted a facebook status yesterday with this quote "today is a new day. If you were wrong yesterday you can be right today." Maybe I should remember to practice what I preach.

good news is I think im almost through the negative feelings from the comedown. I'm feeling better. Problem is, my nasal passages are blocked and I cant breathe through my nose at all lol. Making it impossible to pass out. Ughhhhhhhhh

SullyS

Well whatever you think will help. I certainly know I avoided it forever because of all my preconceived notions about it so I completely understand where you're coming from.

I just know that I personally tend to like to stew in my own ******** when I'm really anxious and lonely and I isolate and it makes things worse. I still do it to this day and I almost have 2 and a half years of sobriety. All I know is that when I have felt very anxious, gone to a meeting and said HELP! I have found a lot of relief. BUT saying that and actually doing it are separate.

2granddaughters

Myself, and most of the AAs that I know felt that same anxiety. I know, I know ... you'll tell me that your anxiety is different or worse than mine but it isn't. Trust me.

You've put your life back together up to now but you know that it's getting worse. You are telling my story.

The answer for me lay in the program of AA and going to those first few meetings was painful. Nobody will make you speak anything you don't want to speak.

All the best.

Bob R

Hanna

Nah, you don't have to say anything. There's usually plenty of people that like to talk there already so it takes the pressure off you. Lol.

Sometimes they go around and share but people just pass if they aren't interested in talking. I don't think anyone thinks twice about it.

It is good to raise your hand when they ask who is new, just say your name and that you just want to listen. Good because you might meet someone helpful that way, but you don't have to even do that if you don't feel like it. In an open meeting there may be friends and family and they don't share usually so even less pressure on you.

I like your Facebook quote!

wiscsober

You don't have to do it alone. People will help you. All that emotional craziness you are experiencing and quelling with alcohol may be caused by what you are using -- poison to cure poison -. Give yourself a break. Medical help if needed. You are in a great position to quit. Be careful. We get our strength from others and you are helping others. You might not think so. But you are. Your mind and body will start settling down after a few days and up to a month. You've done it before. Draw on those experiences. May recovery come to you swift and sure.

trikyriky

ditto, for me the highlight of a weekend smoking crack was finding a huge crumb in the carpet. After feeling so ashamed. I would take a huge hit then run for the shower to try and straighten up quick swearing the cops were outside. What a life. I now have 3 days clean and am feeling much better, but this has been my routine 3 or 4 days then do it again. I hate getting high but my AV loves it. For me this sight and a certain person is working. Watch out AV you are about to lose this fight. I am going to win and so can you.

nfijules

I caught the post on the fear of speaking in AA......I myself have absolute terror when speaking. Even saying Hi Im Julie, Alcoholic/Addict freaks me out. I have found meetings where I don't have to speak. I go to open group/big book studies/and speaker meetings. I know though, it should be my duty to speak and share and I am working on it. But at this time, I listen and share one on one with someone. I hope this helps a bit.