HelloWorld82

I would drink to reward myself and put off dealing with "real issues"
When I stopped drinking I would get stressed and angry with myself for all of the mess or mistakes I made in my life... so I would go back into the cycle...
I could still kick myself for not being sober sooner! But it is about moving forward...

DisplacedGRITS

I drink because i don't know how to live sober. I am a kind person in many ways but i am unkind to myself. I don't like me. I can't stand who i see in the mirror, physically and metaphorically. I am a coward, i am arrogant, i am lazy, i am unremarkable...i am smart but i don't use it for anything. Hell, i've probably killed off all the braincells that made me "giiiiifted" hardeeharharhar. I'm insightful and i give good advice...as long as you don't as me to turn that advice on myself. I'll help the f*ck out of you because it means i get to not look at me for that much longer. I am a narcissist. I only do what makes me feel good. I get drunk and abuse my husband. I don't keep a clean house. I give up on projects quickly, i give the miniminum effort required. I do everything i can to be unremarkable. The only thing i put any effort into is looking good. I make my exterior look good to mask the effed up inside. And. It. Works. It even fools me because i am so blind to my own problems.

I drink because i want to feel the way i look. I'm not a head turner but i clean up nice even after a bender. Even when my insides are screaming and my soul is bleeding, i can flat iron my hair, delicately put on my makeup and put together a killer outfit. I look awesome. Someone kill me or give me a drink.

Jeni26

I drank because I thought it gave me the confidence to interact with people. I was shy, anxious and had a chronic lack of self-esteem. Drinking helped me fit in with the crowd.
It helped me numb anything painful in my life that I didn't know how to deal with. It took away the memories.

I stopped when it no longer worked. When it made me more anxious rather than less. When it made me depressed and scared of the world. When I became defined by it by the people I had tried so hard to fit in with. When it no longer became enough to numb the memories, and I began to 'top it up' with diazepam. When I began to become physically ill. When I could no longer function and isolated myself. When I realised it was killing me....

Eddie2010

I started because of being so shy in high school. And the low self esteem issues. Then it turned into a million reasons. Like drinking to make chores less boring until it became drinking to just get away from reality.

Only at day 40 now, but I've noticed I can get tons more accomplished and I can tell my body is grateful.

least

I drank to mask depression and anxiety but that just made it worse in the end.

lilgolden73

I drank to numb myself, not to feel anything. Not to feel the pain and hurt of death and other life issues that were haunting me day in and day out. I drank to forget, trouble is, as the old quote goes "sorrows know how to swim", or something of the sort.

Nonsensical

After some additional reflection I wish to revise and extend my remarks.

There is a voice in my head that tells me to drink. It belongs to the pleasure sensors in my animal brian that really enjoy alcohol. When I tell it "no" it gets irritable. Its voice grows louder. Its demands grow louder. It does not understand that if I give it all the alcohol it wants I will die (and it will die, too). It does not understand that. It's an animal brain. It's powers of perception are very limited. It just knows it likes alcohol. And it wants more.

So it begs, it pouts, it whines, it pleads, it negotiates, it rationalizes, it threatens, it insults, it deceives and it throws tantrums. Whatever it believes will convince me to drink.

When I did not know what it was I argued with it. "I", that's the part of me living in the cerebral cortex - the human part of my brain. I would argue with the animal. I would try to tell it it did not need alcohol. That I had good reasons not to drink. That it was being selfish and making me feel worthless. It didn't care. It kept on doing what it does - telling me to get it some alcohol. Driving me ever towards that end.

When I didn't know what was happening that battle in my head frightened me. Tormented me. I needed it to stop. The only way to make it quit was to give the animal what it wanted.

Now I know what that voice is. I know what it is, what it wants, why it wants it, and what it will do to get it. I also know what its limitations are - and they are many. When that voice, that compulsion, was a mystery to me it was very powerful. Not any longer.

Now I have knowledge. Knowledge is power. It's just a dumb animal. I don't argue with it any longer. My end of the conversation is simply, "no".

fantail

Sometimes I drank because I was lonely... but by the end I realized that my drinking was a wall that kept me isolated from even my closest friends. I was numb to them, and there was a huge part of my life that I would never discuss with them.

Sometimes I drank because it would make my social anxiety go away, and I would tell better stories and laugh more and give great advice and suggest fun things to do, without being nervous... but by the end I had to drink so much to get to that point that by the time I got there, I'd also just be flat out drunk and no one would take me seriously.

Sometimes I drank because I was anxious, and drinking was a shortcut to feeling calm and forgetting everything outside of the room... by the end I was sick so often and constantly visibly hungover, so any time that I wasn't drinking, I was overwhelmed by anxiety about this problem I was failing to disguise well.

Sometimes I drank because I wanted to have a fun, crazy, silly night... by the end my hangovers got so bad that those nights would keep me from doing anything fun the next day.

Sigh. It was good while it lasted... but I'm glad to be out of it.

letgo1234

yeah same here. that was like how i learned to drink. it was never about anything more than getting drunk in those years.

i always wonder if i was raised in a european country that drank more normally , you know if i was introduced to alcohol like a normal person if the results would have been different.

yes, since then, i've drank for the feeling. sad.

very addictive.

letgo1234

actually at this point, i feel it has mostly become an addiction.

Tammy47

Thats so me! Can't believe I'm only getting that now. I indulged in self pity on my loneliness - and all along it was me creating it (with the help of my so called buddy - wine!). Keeping my boozing secret, made me more detached from friends. I felt fake, could not be my true self with friends. Sober nearly two weeks now, it feels good to be around friends and family, not hiding a deep secret (that I drank bottle and half of booze previous night). So many advantages to be being sober.

elp19744

I drink because its like rocket fuel. A few drinks and I'm all reved up to go. Probably has something to do with my rapid cycle bi polar.

PreciousKitty

As my kids got a little older (into teenage years) I stopped doing what I enjoyed most (being a Betty Crocker Super Mom). I drank to appear happy in front of my children and be the person I used to be. In addition to that there were job issues; 3 close deaths in the family; and lots of family issues.

It worked wonders at first - But then the more I drank the more unhappy I became, but I was addicted. By this time I was drinking mainly just to numb the pain and get through the day.

To sum it up fear; resentment; pain; and then just plain addiction - repeat!

Thanks for letting me share.

phoebe64

I started drinking as a teen, senior in HS, and I simply liked it. It felt good. For years, it was an occasional thing, and i would enjoy it, look forward to it, have fun, get "buzzed." Later in life, it became more habitual, but I still liked it, and was controlled, most of the time. I have always had the occasional horrid hangover after losing count the night before.

It caused me to gain weight, become unhealthy, became a crutch to relax in the evening, llike a medication when i was under stress. My husband was travelling, I had a preschooler and a baby, an ailing father. At night, I would chill out with a couple of glasses of wine. That slowly escalated and I also developed anxiety issues as well.

Eventually, the worry over my health turned to real problems, but I got it all figured out. My health issues commanded I stop drinking. even then, I have had a relapse since that. Sober now, though.

Lizella

This sounds like I could have written it!

RocketQueen

I drank Firstly to be social (drinking is very much a part of the Aussie culture), then progressed to drinking when I was stressed/depressed, then becuase I was bored, then ultimately to stop myself from being sick from WDs.

DarkDays

I drank cause everybody else was drinking ba ba ba!

bumble

Me too. I think there WERE "reasons" at first, but by the time it didn't make sense any more, by the time I couldn't pinpoint an exact "reason," I finally realized it was nothing more than that I liked the oblivion: sitting there with the world spinning, without thought, without reason, until I didn't remember sitting there. And, of course, coming to the inevitable realization of what this was costing me, and continues to cost me.

markinsf

I started drinking for most of the reasons mentioned. But then I took an extended time off from work and found myself drinking earlier and earlier in the day because I felt so good. I was drinking for my pleasure only. Eventually I turned into a maintenance drinker. Once I found out I was physically dependent on the stuff though it scared the hell out of me. I couldn't help but wonder what I'd become - just a drunk that happened to still have a family, home, lake home and so many nice things in life. I'd become exactly what I never thought I'd be.

It didn't take any convincing of myself to know that if I didn't fix things and do it immediately I'd lose everything that meant something to me. It made the decision very easy for me to stop. After making the decision, I came up with my plan and followed through with it. I still have things to resolve in life of course but I'll solve them one at a time. It took years to get into the mess I was in and would be totally unrealistic to think that my problems will go away in a matter of weeks or months.

Sasha4

To help me cope with my job, depression and anxiety, regrets I had mostly from drinking that I used to constantly ruminate and obsess about.
At that time everything was hard work, everything got me down.

Then it seemed I just used to drink to get over my hangover.
So every evening I would get drunk.
Then I would have a day of agony at work, then I would start drinking as soon as I could. A few drinks in, the feelings of shame would leave me and I did not care anymore.

It was only respite though, the thoughts and fears and ruminations always came back in the end.

But the minute I opened my eyes in the morning, the fear would be pounding on my chest, I would feel like crying and sobbing at the thought of working all day feeling like I did.

Of course if it was the weekend I would probably just wait a few hours (one and a half cos thats nearly two) then off I would go. Why prolong the agony?

The hours I wasted sat on that stupid sofa drinking.
The money I wasted on those disgusting bottles of vodka or wine.

Now I accept that I am an anxious person.
I accept I lean towards depression.
I am not the most lighthearted individual.

But I love my family and my friends very much, and I will always do my upmost to make them happy.
I have a different view of addiction now, mostly due to SR.
I would go to the ends of the earth to try and help anyone suffering or who is in pain.

If people cannot accept me because of my anxiety then it's probably best we are not friends and don't spend time together.
And if people find my non drinking a problem thats okay too. I will happily spend sober time with them, but it's probably best they find someone else to party with other than me.

One day I will find my place in the world and I will fit in.

So thats me!