renaldo

Sorry to hear about your Grandpa. You will mourn eventually. Perhaps now it's just too much to emotionally address. It doesn't mean you didn't love him. Or did you? I don't know.

Lorax1981

Hi DG- sorry about your loss. Sending some love your way from Oregon.

choublak

No no no no no, you're not "broken".

With some people, myself included, things like death take awhile to "sink in".

Hell, many cultures hire "professional mourners" to cry at funerals.

hypochondriac

I'm sorry for your loss DG. But I have to say I can really relate to your post in a way I have never admitted to anyone before, but I think it has a lot to do with drinking. I felt nothing when my dad died. Yeah it was a massive shock, but I don't think I was in shock, I think I thought that now I had a good excuse to drink without anyone being able to give me a hard time. A really traumatic event which excused my behaviour. And it was validated by all the people around me who thought it acceptable to hit the bottle. I am pleased you have stopped drinking, but I wonder if thinking that if you had a drink then you could grieve is really just your AV talking.

I like what Dee said too about your reaction being your reaction too. I wish I had learnt at an earlier age that my feelings were valid. There is no right way to grieve and how you feel is perfectly normal x

I don't know if you felt the same thing but I found that there was a massive difference in my thought patterns when I took the option of drinking off the table as opposed to the times when I was just trying not to drink. Do you think you are still clinging on to the hope that you can keep it under control? I can never really relate when people say that they have been drinking but not in the day or not hard liquor like that makes it okay. I never did either of those things and my drinking was still pretty damaging to me. Just because it wasn't as bad as it has been doesn't make it a good thing.

Could you maybe start posting on here more to help you a long a little. It may help you but more importantly we miss you when you're not around x

Gilmer

When my grandmother died, it took a long time for the grief to hit. I cried for an hour--then no more grief. When I found out my mother had inoperable cancer, I cried for about the same length of time--then had no emotion for the duration, even when she died.

Weasel1966

Consider this DG.... When we have all the colors of the rainbow put together we have white. The blending of it all becomes an equalizer.

Stopping my drinking forced so much to a pin point in my mind. Essentially making it all white. Things are shifting daily.

The colors of your life will be revealed as you get settled in sobriety.

So go easy on defining what is what so soon. It may simply be you feel everything that results into nothing.

Seems a perfectly normal response.

Ken

Huglets

Oh DG, you are not broken. Reading that just made my heart ache a bit.

I'm sorry for your loss. As others have said, we all grieve differently and that's fine. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have been traumatized in more than one way. And remember, grieving doesn't mean you "have" to cry. Some are criers and some aren't criers. Don't let anyone, especially yourself, punish you for not feeling and/or crying.

So far in my life (let's call it middle-aged, lol) I've been an ice princess. I have a steel wall around me and no one is allowed in. I do feel things, but I'm not about to let anyone know I can actually feel. People have pointed this out to me since I was 13 years old. They say I come across as cold and unapproachable. In hindsight, this was the only way I couldn't be hurt.

It's something I'm working on, but it will take time. I'm cool with that....I'm already seeing small changes.

Be kind to yourself....you are worth it. You're in my thoughts & prayers.

mecanix

Still waters run deep .

M

DisplacedGRITS

We had the funeral today. I had a couple of moments where i was physically going to cry but the icewater hit again. That and i guess i didn't want to cry around everyone this time. It's just, i dunno, icky. I feel so uncomfortable. I'm not sad, i'm annoyed right now. I just want to get out of this dress and heels and get away from all of these people and noise. It's overwhelming. During the funeral, i was buffeted in everyone else's emotions. People around me cried and i was there, devoid of any emotion but anxiety, fear and the desire to be supportive. Now, we're having the, i dunno, reception lunch and i'm overwhelmed by the buzz....people here can converse with such ease. I am apart. All i feel is fear and anxiety. I want to talk but i don't want to be spoken too. This is too much.

MyTimeNow

It's perfectly ok to leave. Everybody deals with funerals and the aftermath in different ways. It is more than acceptable to say I'd like to spend some time alone now. Is this a possibility DG?

I don't think you are broken or devoid of emotion or anything negative at all. We all deal with things in different ways. I think you are incredibly brave getting through it all. I'm so sorry for your loss.

mecanix

I see emotions going on , i see reasons to be numb , i see reasons to be angry , i see reasons to be sad , i see reasons to get involved , i see reasons to hide away , I see NO good reasons to drink .

Bestwishes, M

DisplacedGRITS

8 children and only two of them spoke. Well, my Uncle Ricky spoke for my Aunt Becky because she couldn't. My Dad spoke briefly. **** him. I don't like to think about how similar he and Papa are. Papa seemed to like me a lot more. Dad almost chipped through my perfect ice. I'm not sure how i really feel about that. But i didn't cry and that's what Dad taught so i won that round.

I went to my MIL's tonight and picked up some more of our stuff. That's been the extent of my good feelings. I have been of use. I'm a good mule. I'm quite happy tp be taking these things off my MIL's hands. I know it's a relief to her. So yay for me! I indulged in a lot of on site and off site binging and purging tonight. I guess i'm stressed. Whatever it takes to get through the day.

I picked up 500 mL of Chardonnay and drank that like a dehydrated elephant. Not enough to get blasted but enough to get loose. I'm not sorry now and i won't be tomorrow so don't try to guilt trip me into sobriety. I've got two more things to do. Drink a Long Island Ice Tea and an Amaretto Sour. Not necessarily on the same night and not to get drunk. Just because i like them and i want to enter this first frogdamn stage of sobriety without regrets. I might not get the Long Island Iced Tea and just get two Amaretto Sours. I love that drink.

I'm driving back to Milwaukee Friday. I promised Kev i'd be 24 hours sober before i leave. I have a place to stay (honestly, i have half a dozen at least) should i fail. I honestly don't care when i get back to MKE. I just want to have a clean, clear trip back up full of AA speaker tapes (i've got like, 4 more different versions of Clancy's story to listen to!).

What really sucks is that my therapist and my psych can't see me for months. What's great is that AA's presence in Milwaukee is amazing. I'm going to work my ass off looking for a homegroup and a sponsor. I know i need help. I know my way doesn't work. I'm getting the last bit outta my system.

I just need someone to tell all this to. I know some/many of you will tell me "nooooo! Don't do it!" Don't get me wrong, i love and respect you,but's not going to work. Still, thank you, from my heart. I'm not giving up on myself. I'm just the last bit of the embers in the ashes of the old phoenix. I am about to rise again. It will not be splended or magnificent at first. Hell, have you seen birds?? They start as eggs in a shell. When they hatch, they are ugly ass creatures. They stay ugly for a long, LONG time...it is a while before a fledgling becomes a beautiful bird but if you watch it all along the way you can see all the little changes. It's an amazing transformation and it happens in small ways every day.

I've got a long row to how but for the first time in a long time i'm looking forward to it. There's to effing pink cloud to carry me through this time. I've gotta get through this a different way. It's gonna take the Steps and a good Sponsor. All i know is i need help. I can't wait to get home.

Hi, my name is Lisa and i'm an Alcoholic.

quitforme79

Travel safe & take care of yourself. I am glad you have a plan and look forward to your input when I need it. You always did give me great advice. ((hugs))

Dee74

I don't want to annoy you, but I wouldn't be doing you or anyone else here any good if I didn't say I really can't recommend last hurrahs.

They're a ridiculous and dangerous idea...you already know drinking's bad for you...you already know you want to live your life another way - why not start now?

for me, the trouble with getting 'the last of it out of my system' was I never really stopped, and I was never ready for any of the many dangerous situations I found myself in.

Take care in getting yourself home Lisa, ok?

Even in a couple of days, there's a heck of a lot of holes folks like you and me can fall into during a last hurrah.

D

DisplacedGRITS

Thanks, Dee. I don't think of it as a hurrah though. It's honestly a last drink. I'm not even drinking to get drunk anymore. If i was, i'd be back on the vodka full force. I haven't had an Amaretto Sour in years. It's just for the pleasure of it. It's actually the only acoholic beverage i really like. I'm not going to bother with the Long Island. That's just a "getcha drunk" drink anyways. no, the Amaretto Sour was the first drink i ever had. Let it be my last.

hypochondriac

All alcohol gets you drunk DG, it's just some gets you there quicker than others. I can understand what you're doing because I did the same thing. I wish I had had the guts to post while I was still actively drinking and gearing up to stop, but I felt like I was just making excuses. Your journey here could really help someone else struggling to stop. I hope you get home safe x

Elisabeth888

Well, you did it before- you had almost a year- you can do it again. I want to tell you that I really admired your sobriety and I follow you on here. When I was in my relapses, you would be on here talking about how great sobriety is. You inspired me.

It's weird because I have a Kevin and I am from Mobile.

Huglets

Lisa,

I appreciate your honesty. It's brutal. It's also an expression of deep emotion. See, you aren't a complete iceberg yet.....

I felt as you did when I was 14 months sober. Just a few drinks, right? It lasted 6 months and ended with a 6 day hospital stay full of IVs and medications. I am convinced - thoroughly convinced - that no drink is ever worth my life.

I wish you safe travels. You will remain in my heart and prayers as you work through this episode. You have what it takes. You really do.

renaldo

They treated me very nicely in the hospital. Really caring people. But it's embarrassing to land there. To not even be able to care for yourself.

I don't mean that to sound like I don't like myself, but I end up in trouble sometimes.

Thank goodness no trouble with the law, no fist fights or anything like that. Just falling down.

I'm as timid as a field mouse so I eschew altercations to the best of my abilities. Even still, circumstances whack me on the head on occasion. Or rather the other way around. I get up close and personal with the pavement simply because I've lost my faculties. Jeez, it happened last night, I have to admit. What's wrong with me?

Genetic anomaly is my best guess. The economy isn't doing so good, and despite all best efforts, securing employment has been elusive at best, despite going back to school, getting certificates, etc.

That was my shining moment. I was a straight A student and a darling of all the instructors. The actual work environment seemed to disregard my skills.

Hey buddy, there are tons like you. We can't even be bothered to acknowledge your application (despite the hours it took). You're a meadow meal.

I don't mean to sound morose or self pitying, but employers should acknowledge that you've applied. That's just common decency, which apparently is out of fashion now.

mecanix

Post soon Grits ,
We all care for you ,

M